Update on: "Met a really great guy but there are red flags?"

[heavenonearth]

I wanted to give you an update from my last dating person whom I posted about last year in August.

Original post: Met a really great guy but there are red flags?

It turned out that all my fears about him were true! He lied to me about still being on the dating app 2 months after we were exclusive! I confronted him and he lied some more. Later on he finally came forward with the truth, but he was acting like a child that got caught doing something bad. He sank deep into the couch and became mute. He was not adult about it at all! No communication, just deflection and guilt-tripping me for "attacking him". His excuse? He was insecure about if I truly wanted to be with him and so he needed "outside validation". He asked me then if I wanted to be his girlfriend and I said I'd be his girlfriend if he showed that he can be committed over time. Just weeks later it all crashed down! He actually got so insecure about stuff that he ended it abruptly. It happened right when classes started for me at Uni for my Masters degree! It was Early October. I had a really busy week and he was wishy-washy about when we would meet again for the weekend. He canceled last minute and said he'd come the next day. I told him that the flakiness needed to stop, as my time is valuable and he constantly left me hanging last minute and was unable to make concrete plans - just not very reliable. This had happened so many times. He could not handle me critiquing him, got angry and mean and hung up, then broke up via text the same evening. I responded that I liked him a lot and he was important to me but that I needed someone who was reliable and responsible, someone who can also be strong for me, not just the other way around (ALL THE DAMN TIME). Well, he wrote me another message a week later! This was wild. He sent me a poem that I HAD SENT HIM when we just started dating, basically like returning a gift... and then he wrote a really mean text, of how he "saw me and he saw enough" and some other mean stuff that made no sense, just a lot of projection. I discussed it in my self-help group and they all said that it sounded like I just dodged a narcissist. 

Gosh, that really opened my eyes! I had this realization that i am DONE "saving" men from their own misery. No more men with big ego and baggage of insecurity. No more millenial type losers who can't even say what time they will meet me on Friday and who do not know what they want from life. I never replied to his second text and I am proud of myself for just blocking him and letting it go. I do not regret the experience - it really helped me with my dating trajectory going further. My overall assessment is that he felt small next to me. We both had similar issues - autistic, chronic pain, sensitive... but I am a fighter, and I try everything in my power to achieve my dreams, like doing a Masters now despite my challenges - while he cannot even open his mailbox because he is afraid of bureaucratic letters. There is no shame in that, we all struggle, some more than others, and we often are victim of our circumstances. But the moment you project your problems, issues, ailments onto someone else - that is where I lose sympathy for you. And that is what happened with us. He played victim and then made me the bad guy for just wanting basic communication and accountability. 

I wrote a few songs about it and that really helped. And thanks to my self-help group I got over it very quickly. He texted me a few more times in December and January (around the holidays) but I blocked and ignored. 

That being said, I met someone really great shortly thereafter and have been with that person for 7 months now! But that is for another post... 

Thank you everyone for your input in my silly dating life over the years! 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

He asked me then if I wanted to be his girlfriend and I said I'd be his girlfriend if he showed that he can be committed over time.

It is good that you are well rid of this man.Having said that, I would also ask yourself why you wanted to continue with him after his behaviour on the dating app. That would have been enough for me to send him packing, so I would reflect further on why you didn't do so then and there. 

[heavenonearth]

On 6/19/2026 at 8:54 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

It is good that you are well rid of this man.Having said that, I would also ask yourself why you wanted to continue with him after his behaviour on the dating app. That would have been enough for me to send him packing, so I would reflect further on why you didn't do so then and there. 

Yeah, I guess he made a good case at the time of having done it bc he wasn’t sure if I actually wanted him. But I also must say that at the time I had already lost spark for him — i thought it was just so unattractive. The funny thing is in the past I would have been the anxiously attached one and begged for him to want me or something. But here i just put my foot down and i could watch myself become less attracted to him at this moment. …. 
 

its a shame i didnt end it right then and there for sure.  

[Sanch62]

On 6/18/2026 at 5:11 PM, heavenonearth said:

… he constantly left me hanging last minute and was unable to make concrete plans - just not very reliable. This had happened so many times.

If someone flakes on you once, I can see allowing them to make that up to you if they’ve otherwise treated you well and they DO make that one-off a priority to compensate for. But repeatedly? No self-respecting person would stick around for that in the first place. I hope this taught you that.

Head high, we all learn by living. 

[Sony12]

One thing you need to realize is that most all these stories and excuses they give as to why they did what they did are just that. Stories and excuses. These guys usually aren't insecure about themselves and usually are very keen about knowing what they want. The problem is is that what they want often isn't the same as what women looking for a relationship want. While young women looking for a relationship want to be tied down to one person the young men they are attracted to don't. 

[Sony12]

Also I went back and looked at the thread you made over a year ago OP and one mistake you did make is that when you were talking to guys online you would specify tell them that you were just looking for friendship and not anything serious. Most men that you say that to would equate that to a lady saying she isn't going to hassle them about a relationship. And then all of a sudden just a couple months later you turned around and started saying you wanted a relationship. If you two had been just having a good time with each other for a year or more it would be perfectly reasonable to progress that into a real relationship. But just a couple months? After only a couple months most people would have still only seen each other a handful of times  at most. And maybe only a few times. When you try to turn things around that quickly it definitely makes it look like you weren't being all that honest about just wanting a friendship and nothing more then that.

[introverted1]

4 hours ago, Sony12 said:

While young women looking for a relationship want to be tied down to one person the young men they are attracted to don't. 

 She's 40 (or very close to it) so I doubt the issue is youth.