Relationship of 4 years… Am I being unreasonable thinking this way?

[EmotionalSherbert]

So I (female) have been with my wonderful boyfriend since Feb 2022. We are both 27 and I can definitely see how we have grown together.

We have a good relationship and I’m happy… for the most part. However, for I’d say about the last year or so,  I’ve been getting down a lot over our relationship and I don’t know if I’m being dramatic or if it’s justified.

Brief background:
We see each other every weekend (Friday-Sunday/Monday)
I’m diagnosed BPD (borderline personality disorder) and he deals with anxiety and depression. Both of us are on medication and continuously seek professional support for this as well as being there for each other. I have also just been diagnosed with PCOS.

So I guess what’s getting me down probably has a lot to do with how slow we are moving or I suppose how fast I see our friends relationships moving. Me and my partner do not live together yet and I honestly can’t tell when thats going to happen. And yes I know, he always tells me, every relationship moves at a different pace and has different situations so I shouldn’t compare to others… just hear me out.

There are a few factors that do prevent us moving in together, I’m in an IVA until I’m 30 (Debts from when I was young and from a previous abusive relationship) and he already currently has a mortgage with his mom… it’s always just been him and his mom and he got the mortgage about 3 months before we got together. So buying a house is out of the question for me until after 30 which sucks, but then he also has another 14 years left on his mortgage with his mom and has no plans of coming out of that. So even by the time I can be ready to buy a house, if we wanted to get a mortgage together it makes it 10x harder as we aren’t first time buyers and deposit jumps up a hell of a lot as it will be classed as his second mortgage. So I can’t see that working for us.

I currently live in a 1 bed council flat and I’m a part time carer/PA for my 22 year old disabled brother. I LOVE looking after him but as he’s getting older and stronger and more independent he needs his own space and room (I’m sick of sleeping on the sofa). So ideally I need a two bed flat Atleast just to continue doing my job. (My boyfriend LOVES my brother and calls himself his big bro, he’s amazing with him). I have tried to reapply to council housing to get a two bed property and emailed my local MP, but they say I’m still only eligible for another 1 bed flat… so it’s pointless me moving from one to another. My only other option (which I’m more than happy to do, excited even) is to star night shifts caring again to get some extra money in to rent privately a 2 bed property. (I’m also doing the open university, but my priority is working more to move out so if I can’t make time to finish uni with working two part time jobs, I’m aware I will have to leave uni. This has been heavily consider).

My boyfriend has the idea that if I got a private place to rent that he could just move in after and split some of the bills all while still paying his mortgage and affording a holiday once a year…I can’t see that working for a couple reasons:
1: I really can’t see him being able to afford his current mortgage as well as splitting rent and some bills and then still afford a holiday. He already worry’s about his finances now as it is. I’m willing to give up holidays for a while if it means us moving in together.
2: if I rent a private place In my name, council tax will be for a single person… so if he just moves in after and we won’t tell anyone, I don’t want to be committing fraud or anything as council tax would (and should) go up. So if he wants to live there his name would have to be put down as well.
I just can’t see that working out.

His other option is for me to move into his with him and his mom… now i moved out when I was 19 and have been parent free since then, so that alone makes me say no. I love his mom but I don’t want to live with her, I’d feel like I’m moving into a home that would never be mine and I’d feel like I’m moving backwards. Both my grandparents are also against this idea and I do respect what they have to say. (My mom died 13 years ago and I don’t have a father daughter relationship with my dad, we are more like friends that constantly fall out. So I’m very close to my grandparents).

Another reason for me not wanting to move into his with him and his mom is down to my job looking after my brother. Their house isn’t big at all( no issue with that) but it’s perfect for 2 people, 3 would be a push. But 4 people on the days I have my brother would be impossible. No idea where he would sleep.

So that’s another no…

Other things that get me down are the fact that I’m 27, not living with my boyfriend of 4 years and in my heart and mind, I’m so ready to get married and start a family.
I know I may sound too traditional and I get it’s not for some(you do you) but in an ideal situation, I would like to be married before having kids. I have told my boyfriend this and he doesn’t give much of a response. I feel like ive compromised by saying okay, Atleast engaged and living together before having kids.

Side note: I don’t really want to be 30+ no kids and no idea when I’m getting married. That just isn’t what I want which I think is fair. I’d rather know it isn’t going to get to that and stay single with no kids. But I know what I want with my boyfriend. I want to marry him and have kids with him.

We have spoke about marriage and we both seem on the same page about wanting it, but he says things along the lines of ‘it will happen when it happens’ which doesn’t give me confidence. Kids on the other hand we talk about a lot more.

I have recently come off the pill due to recommendations from the doctor after my PCOS diagnosis. This scares me. I would absolutely love to have a baby, like more than anything, but I don’t want us to get pregnant while we aren’t living together and ideally before we are engaged/married. I suppose the marriage before babies for me shows a more solid foundation and commitment, and it’s just something I want.

I know there are other forms of contraception but I don’t want the implant or anything like that and we both struggle with condoms so the pill worked for me. But like I say, now I’m not on it, I’m scared I’ll get pregnant and have no choice but to move into his with his mom and I REALLY don’t want that. I wouldn’t be happy at all.

I guess I’m just questioning everything. I love him more than anything and I know exactly what I want from our relationship. He says he does too and that we are on the same page but with everything I’ve mentioned above, I just don’t think he actually thinks everything through. I may overthink a lot but I feel I’m being sensible with this.

Now, when we talk or see each other, I’m so happy to see him/talk to him, but I’m also really sad because I don’t know where this relationship is going to go.

I guess I just want some advice from anyone who’s been in a similar situation or know whether I’m being unreasonable or not.

The absolute last thing I want is for this relationship to end, but like I say, I don’t want to be 30+, 10 years in to the relationship and to still in the same place we are now. That also scares me.

[Acacia98]

It sounds like you may have a great connection, great chemistry and genuinely like each other but are incompatible when it comes to some important long-term goals for your relationship (i.e. having a home and family together). It really looks like, between the two of you, you're the only one thinking about practicalities of building a life together.

And maybe I'm wrong about this, but I think your goal should be to finish uni and use your credentials to get a better paying job. Moving out into a better situation doesn't seem to be a realistic option for you right now. So I don't know how you can make it your priority. Also, if you're still with this guy down the road, I think you should plan to get a mortgage on a smaller place of your own when you ultimately get to the point when you're ready to buy a place. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, EmotionalSherbert said:

We have spoke about marriage and we both seem on the same page about wanting it, but he says things along the lines of ‘it will happen when it happens’ which doesn’t give me confidence. Kids on the other hand we talk about a lot more.

This is all a pipe-dream when you two can't even work out how you will live together, though.  Whether marriage comes before or after kids is moot when you aren't currently in any position (logistically or financially) to raise a child together. 

2 hours ago, EmotionalSherbert said:

I know there are other forms of contraception but I don’t want the implant or anything like that and we both struggle with condoms so the pill worked for me. But like I say, now I’m not on it, I’m scared I’ll get pregnant and have no choice but to move into his with his mom and I REALLY don’t want that. I wouldn’t be happy at all.

Then you really do need to find an alternate form of contraception. I don't see what your other option is if you don't want to wind up moving in with him and mom. 

You may cherish your boyfriend and want a future with him, but your current situations are not conducive to marriage or children. I will instead echo this advice, which I think is your best bet towards paving the way for the future you want: 

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

I think your goal should be to finish uni and use your credentials to get a better paying job

 

[Gebidozo]

I also think you should finish the uni and do everything else you need to be in a better financial situation. Then, and only then, if you guys are still together, start planning steps like marriage or having kids.

You’re only 27. You still have a large window for having children. If you guys are really great for each other, you can keep being together like you’re now and work on improving your life conditions.

[Sanch62]

For your immediate living situation, instead of you applying for another flat, wouldn’t your brother be eligible to apply for 2 rooms—one for his caregiver?