I changed my mind about lending $, am I a bad friend?

[Anonymous]

A longstanging friend from childhood said she' is trying to raise $5,000 to help with expenses while she is in the process of selling her home.

I don't like being asked for money, but I reluctantly said I'd lend her $500 and she doesn't have to pay me interest.  And she'd pay me back when she sells her house.  I asked her if she consulted real estate agent and she has had 2 of them visit her place.  So, the sale is upcoming.

I've since changed my mind about lending the money, but I haven't told her that I've just been avoiding the subject.  I was suppose to give it to her last week, but didn't and, in all fairness, she hasn't asked again.  But, she has stopped intiating contacting/texts with me, I noticed.

So anyways, I reached out to her today to see how she's doing and she said she isn't well (she didn't even ask about me). So I asked what's going on.  And she said she has severe back pain so I asked coud it be related to a medical condition.  She just said it was stress over selling the house and lack of money.

She is not well mentally and she's not working.  So, I suggested she sell some of her stuff (as she'll be moving anyways) including antiques.  She said she is trying to do that now.  I told her to get an antique dealer in to buy her stuff, but she said they wouldn't give her much for it and that she was trying to sell it online first.

Anyways, everything I suggested she had an answer for.

I asked if she was sleeping, not well she said.  Eating? Whatever's in the house like a lot of rice.  I said that's not good and she said no it isn't.

Personally I'm angry at her that she let herself get into this situation and I don't feel it's my responsibility to bail her out.

She knows I've made some large purchases for myself recently because I want to put myself first now that I am newly single.

I own my own house, no mortgage, and I have worked hard and now she asks for a loan.  I resent that.

I talked with my older brother about her and he also told me not to lend the money.

Granted she and I have gotten closer this past year since I've been single and I'll often call when I'm feeling down or alone, but I really feel she crossed a line by asking for the money.

So today when I texted her at the end I said I'll let her rest, to take care and love you my friend.  And she didn't respond.

Am I being a bad friend?

Should I dump her for even asking me for a loan?

[teakitty]

There might be a typo in your post.  Did you offer to lend her $500 or $5,000?  

 

[Anonymous]

I really don't like lending money either.

[Anonymous]

$500.  She still has to borrow $4,500 from other people.

I didn't offer more because I'm worried I'll lose the money.

[Alpacalia]

If I had the extra money I would help a friend out and I wouldn't expect the money back, you seem well off financially but of course that doesn't obligate you to lend money if you're not comfortable with it. Your friend is obviously struggling.

Lending money you resent giving isn't actually helping anyone. It damages the friendship, creates tension, and puts you in a position where you might end up feeling taken advantage of (whether fairly or not).

There's also a difference between:

Giving what you can genuinely afford to give freely

Stretching yourself to cover someone else's problem

The second one isn't generosity, it's self-sacrifice, and it usually comes with strings attached (conscious or not).

So if you're reflecting on your own values: You can be a generous, caring friend and have boundaries about money. You can decline a loan and show up for someone emotionally. You can admit "I can't do this" and still be a good person.

[Anonymous]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Lending money you resent giving isn't actually helping anyone. It damages the friendship, creates tension, and puts you in a position where you might end up feeling taken advantage of (whether fairly or not).

So if you're reflecting on your own values: You can be a generous, caring friend and have boundaries about money. You can decline a loan and show up for someone emotionally. You can admit "I can't do this" and still be a good person.

I would like to think of myself as a good person.  I just feel she mismanaged the timing of the sale of her home and I resent her for even asking me.  I feel she is the one who put the relationsip in jeopardy and created tension and so on.  

[Sanch62]

Have you been straight forward about your change of mind about the money? If not, you’re distracting yourself by making her a scapegoat for your own dance around the real issue.

Decide what costs you more. A $500 gift that you could choose to let go and just be pleasantly surprised if she ever pays it back, or an ending to your relationship over  $500.

Neither answer is wrong, but just get clear about this woman’s value to you and whether she is worth $500 to you. If so, behave accordingly, and if not, just be done and stop dancing around that fact to upset both of you about her shortcomings.

Edited 14 hours ago by Sanch62

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I just feel she mismanaged the timing of the sale of her home and I resent her for even asking me.  I feel she is the one who put the relationsip in jeopardy and created tension and so on.  

While I get that it was awkward of her to ask you for money, I think your resentment is directed at the wrong person.

I think the person you are actually upset with is yourself. You now realize you didn't really want to say yes to this request and you seem to be upset with yourself for going along with it when you didn't want to. You are very much contributing to the tension by not being honest with her that you cannot lend her the money after all. 

I would not want to lend it to her either, to be very clear. If she is unwell and doesn't work, it would tell me that I likely would not be seeing that money any time soon - especially considering how much she still wants to borrow from others. You would likey be lumped into a long list of people she owes. However, you are both now tip-toeing around this when you need to bite the bullet and speak up. 

Personally, I would simply tell her that you have reviewed your budget/expenses and won't have the extra money to help her out. She will probably not be happy about this but it is up to her to get on her feet and find another way. 

[Anonymous]

8 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Have you been straight forward about your change of mind about the money? If not, you’re distracting yourself by making her a scapegoat for your own dance around the real issue.

Decide what costs you more. A $500 gift that you could choose to let go and just be pleasantly surprised if she ever pays it back, or an ending to your relationship over  $500.

Neither answer is wrong, but just get clear about this woman’s value to you and whether she is worth $500 to you. If so, behave accordingly, and if not, just be done and stop dancing around that fact to upset both of you about her shortcomings.

It shouldn't be about the money is my point.  She's the one who didn't say "Love you" at the end of the text conversation when I said it.  So clearly she is evaluating me based on money.

No, I didn't bring up that fact that I've changed my mind.  I figure she'll ask again and then that's when I'll tell her.

[Anonymous]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

While I get that it was awkward of her to ask you for money, I think your resentment is directed at the wrong person.

I think the person you are actually upset with is yourself. You now realize you didn't really want to say yes to this request and you seem to be upset with yourself for going along with it when you didn't want to. You are very much contributing to the tension by not being honest with her that you cannot lend her the money after all. 

I would not want to lend it to her either, to be very clear. If she is unwell and doesn't work, it would tell me that I likely would not be seeing that money any time soon - especially considering how much she still wants to borrow from others. You would likey be lumped into a long list of people she owes. However, you are both now tip-toeing around this when you need to bite the bullet and speak up. 

Personally, I would simply tell her that you have reviewed your budget/expenses and won't have the extra money to help her out. She will probably not be happy about this but it is up to her to get on her feet and find another way. 

I wouldn't say I'm upset at myself because I didn't create her situation, so I shouldn't be made to feel guilty.  She wrote to me saying she was trying to raise $5,000 and it was a hard ask. (So it should be) I imagine she wanted me to lend her the full 5 grand and she asked for me to call which I did.  I asked if she had bills to pay and she said yes.  I said I could do $500.  She caught me off guard.

She knows I have money.  I just bought a small sauna and I have a personal trainer at the gym now.  I really want to invest in myself and I am angry she asked me for help.

What is the friendship worth to her, I wonder.  Losing me over $500?

[ExpatInItaly]

28 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I really want to invest in myself and I am angry she asked me for help.

Then you should have said no. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

57 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

She's the one who didn't say "Love you" at the end of the text conversation when I said it.

Wait...what exactly is your interest in this person? 

This sounds like there's a much deeper issue unrelated to money - do you have feelings for her?

[Anonymous]

48 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Wait...what exactly is your interest in this person? 

This sounds like there's a much deeper issue unrelated to money - do you have feelings for her?

We're both straight women and it's platonic.  I just always end my text with "Love you" sometimes I put a hart emoji or a gif of a teddy bear hug.

But the truth is she didn't say love you back this time and now with that (plus asking me for a loan), I am questioning my feelings for her.

[Anonymous]

57 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then you should have said no. 

 

I realize that now, but I guess I thought if I didn't mention it again, then she'd find other people and leave me alone.