I changed my mind about lending $, am I a bad friend?

[Anonymous]

A longstanging friend from childhood said she' is trying to raise $5,000 to help with expenses while she is in the process of selling her home.

I don't like being asked for money, but I reluctantly said I'd lend her $500 and she doesn't have to pay me interest.  And she'd pay me back when she sells her house.  I asked her if she consulted real estate agent and she has had 2 of them visit her place.  So, the sale is upcoming.

I've since changed my mind about lending the money, but I haven't told her that I've just been avoiding the subject.  I was suppose to give it to her last week, but didn't and, in all fairness, she hasn't asked again.  But, she has stopped intiating contacting/texts with me, I noticed.

So anyways, I reached out to her today to see how she's doing and she said she isn't well (she didn't even ask about me). So I asked what's going on.  And she said she has severe back pain so I asked coud it be related to a medical condition.  She just said it was stress over selling the house and lack of money.

She is not well mentally and she's not working.  So, I suggested she sell some of her stuff (as she'll be moving anyways) including antiques.  She said she is trying to do that now.  I told her to get an antique dealer in to buy her stuff, but she said they wouldn't give her much for it and that she was trying to sell it online first.

Anyways, everything I suggested she had an answer for.

I asked if she was sleeping, not well she said.  Eating? Whatever's in the house like a lot of rice.  I said that's not good and she said no it isn't.

Personally I'm angry at her that she let herself get into this situation and I don't feel it's my responsibility to bail her out.

She knows I've made some large purchases for myself recently because I want to put myself first now that I am newly single.

I own my own house, no mortgage, and I have worked hard and now she asks for a loan.  I resent that.

I talked with my older brother about her and he also told me not to lend the money.

Granted she and I have gotten closer this past year since I've been single and I'll often call when I'm feeling down or alone, but I really feel she crossed a line by asking for the money.

So today when I texted her at the end I said I'll let her rest, to take care and love you my friend.  And she didn't respond.

Am I being a bad friend?

Should I dump her for even asking me for a loan?

[teakitty]

There might be a typo in your post.  Did you offer to lend her $500 or $5,000?  

 

[Anonymous]

I really don't like lending money either.

[Anonymous]

$500.  She still has to borrow $4,500 from other people.

I didn't offer more because I'm worried I'll lose the money.

[Alpacalia]

If I had the extra money I would help a friend out and I wouldn't expect the money back, you seem well off financially but of course that doesn't obligate you to lend money if you're not comfortable with it. Your friend is obviously struggling.

Lending money you resent giving isn't actually helping anyone. It damages the friendship, creates tension, and puts you in a position where you might end up feeling taken advantage of (whether fairly or not).

There's also a difference between:

Giving what you can genuinely afford to give freely

Stretching yourself to cover someone else's problem

The second one isn't generosity, it's self-sacrifice, and it usually comes with strings attached (conscious or not).

So if you're reflecting on your own values: You can be a generous, caring friend and have boundaries about money. You can decline a loan and show up for someone emotionally. You can admit "I can't do this" and still be a good person.

[Anonymous]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Lending money you resent giving isn't actually helping anyone. It damages the friendship, creates tension, and puts you in a position where you might end up feeling taken advantage of (whether fairly or not).

So if you're reflecting on your own values: You can be a generous, caring friend and have boundaries about money. You can decline a loan and show up for someone emotionally. You can admit "I can't do this" and still be a good person.

I would like to think of myself as a good person.  I just feel she mismanaged the timing of the sale of her home and I resent her for even asking me.  I feel she is the one who put the relationsip in jeopardy and created tension and so on.  

[Sanch62]

Have you been straight forward about your change of mind about the money? If not, you’re distracting yourself by making her a scapegoat for your own dance around the real issue.

Decide what costs you more. A $500 gift that you could choose to let go and just be pleasantly surprised if she ever pays it back, or an ending to your relationship over  $500.

Neither answer is wrong, but just get clear about this woman’s value to you and whether she is worth $500 to you. If so, behave accordingly, and if not, just be done and stop dancing around that fact to upset both of you about her shortcomings.

Edited June 15 by Sanch62

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I just feel she mismanaged the timing of the sale of her home and I resent her for even asking me.  I feel she is the one who put the relationsip in jeopardy and created tension and so on.  

While I get that it was awkward of her to ask you for money, I think your resentment is directed at the wrong person.

I think the person you are actually upset with is yourself. You now realize you didn't really want to say yes to this request and you seem to be upset with yourself for going along with it when you didn't want to. You are very much contributing to the tension by not being honest with her that you cannot lend her the money after all. 

I would not want to lend it to her either, to be very clear. If she is unwell and doesn't work, it would tell me that I likely would not be seeing that money any time soon - especially considering how much she still wants to borrow from others. You would likey be lumped into a long list of people she owes. However, you are both now tip-toeing around this when you need to bite the bullet and speak up. 

Personally, I would simply tell her that you have reviewed your budget/expenses and won't have the extra money to help her out. She will probably not be happy about this but it is up to her to get on her feet and find another way. 

[Anonymous]

8 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Have you been straight forward about your change of mind about the money? If not, you’re distracting yourself by making her a scapegoat for your own dance around the real issue.

Decide what costs you more. A $500 gift that you could choose to let go and just be pleasantly surprised if she ever pays it back, or an ending to your relationship over  $500.

Neither answer is wrong, but just get clear about this woman’s value to you and whether she is worth $500 to you. If so, behave accordingly, and if not, just be done and stop dancing around that fact to upset both of you about her shortcomings.

It shouldn't be about the money is my point.  She's the one who didn't say "Love you" at the end of the text conversation when I said it.  So clearly she is evaluating me based on money.

No, I didn't bring up that fact that I've changed my mind.  I figure she'll ask again and then that's when I'll tell her.

[Anonymous]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

While I get that it was awkward of her to ask you for money, I think your resentment is directed at the wrong person.

I think the person you are actually upset with is yourself. You now realize you didn't really want to say yes to this request and you seem to be upset with yourself for going along with it when you didn't want to. You are very much contributing to the tension by not being honest with her that you cannot lend her the money after all. 

I would not want to lend it to her either, to be very clear. If she is unwell and doesn't work, it would tell me that I likely would not be seeing that money any time soon - especially considering how much she still wants to borrow from others. You would likey be lumped into a long list of people she owes. However, you are both now tip-toeing around this when you need to bite the bullet and speak up. 

Personally, I would simply tell her that you have reviewed your budget/expenses and won't have the extra money to help her out. She will probably not be happy about this but it is up to her to get on her feet and find another way. 

I wouldn't say I'm upset at myself because I didn't create her situation, so I shouldn't be made to feel guilty.  She wrote to me saying she was trying to raise $5,000 and it was a hard ask. (So it should be) I imagine she wanted me to lend her the full 5 grand and she asked for me to call which I did.  I asked if she had bills to pay and she said yes.  I said I could do $500.  She caught me off guard.

She knows I have money.  I just bought a small sauna and I have a personal trainer at the gym now.  I really want to invest in myself and I am angry she asked me for help.

What is the friendship worth to her, I wonder.  Losing me over $500?

[ExpatInItaly]

28 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I really want to invest in myself and I am angry she asked me for help.

Then you should have said no. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

57 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

She's the one who didn't say "Love you" at the end of the text conversation when I said it.

Wait...what exactly is your interest in this person? 

This sounds like there's a much deeper issue unrelated to money - do you have feelings for her?

[Anonymous]

48 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Wait...what exactly is your interest in this person? 

This sounds like there's a much deeper issue unrelated to money - do you have feelings for her?

We're both straight women and it's platonic.  I just always end my text with "Love you" sometimes I put a hart emoji or a gif of a teddy bear hug.

But the truth is she didn't say love you back this time and now with that (plus asking me for a loan), I am questioning my feelings for her.

[Anonymous]

57 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then you should have said no. 

 

I realize that now, but I guess I thought if I didn't mention it again, then she'd find other people and leave me alone.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

But the truth is she didn't say love you back this time and now with that (plus asking me for a loan), I am questioning my feelings for her.

Do you mean you think you may in fact have more-than-friendly feelings for her? 

There wouldn't be anything wrong with that, of course. It may help explain where your resentment and anger is really stemming from, though. 

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I guess I thought if I didn't mention it again, then she'd find other people and leave me alone.

That's essentially what she has done though, isn't it? I didn't see where she had asked you again for the money. She also didn't reach out to you when the time/day came and went that you said you'd send it to her. You reached out to her. She had been leaving you alone - or have I got the story wrong? 

[Anonymous]

28 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you mean you think you may in fact have more-than-friendly feelings for her? 

There wouldn't be anything wrong with that, of course. It may help explain where your resentment and anger is really stemming from, though. 

That's essentially what she has done though, isn't it? I didn't see where she had asked you again for the money. She also didn't reach out to you when the time/day came and went that you said you'd send it to her. You reached out to her. She had been leaving you alone - or have I got the story wrong? 

Not romantic feelings, I meant friendly feelings. You see we've known each other since we were babies because our families were friendly.  I have pics of us growing up as kids and teenagers.  Then she moved away, but is back now and we text or talk on the phone 2-3 times a week now and see each other every so often. That's been like that since I've been single which is about a year.  She's single too. So we gravitated toward each other out of out time sake.

You are right, she didn't contact me about the money again and I was supposed to get it to her last week. She has essentially been lying low.

But when I texted her last night and said at the end Love you my friend, she didn't text back like she usually does to say she loves me, too.

So even though I resent her now that she asked me for money, it seems that she resents me. 

So my question is am I a bad friend? Does she have the right to pull back or should I be the one pulling back considering how she's treated me?

It's her birthday in a few days, should I even reach out to her then?

I don't know if I presented myself in a good light here, just keep in mind that I didn't ask to be hit up for cash. I feel I'm a good person and I listen to her on the phone as much as she listenes to me, so it seemed like a fair exchange.

[Sanch62]

You could have ignored the written request or said no. Instead, you want to make her a villain because you won’t follow through on what you offered to do. So tell her you’ve changed your mind. Then you’re off your own hook, and you can stop resenting her so much.

[Alpacalia]

19 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I would like to think of myself as a good person.  I just feel she mismanaged the timing of the sale of her home and I resent her for even asking me.  I feel she is the one who put the relationsip in jeopardy and created tension and so on.  

Reading through this, yeah... the $500 stopped being the real issue pretty early on.

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Not romantic feelings, I meant friendly feelings. You see we've known each other since we were babies because our families were friendly.  I have pics of us growing up as kids and teenagers.  Then she moved away, but is back now and we text or talk on the phone 2-3 times a week now and see each other every so often. That's been like that since I've been single which is about a year.  She's single too. So we gravitated toward each other out of out time sake.

You are right, she didn't contact me about the money again and I was supposed to get it to her last week. She has essentially been lying low.

But when I texted her last night and said at the end Love you my friend, she didn't text back like she usually does to say she loves me, too.

So even though I resent her now that she asked me for money, it seems that she resents me. 

So my question is am I a bad friend? Does she have the right to pull back or should I be the one pulling back considering how she's treated me?

It's her birthday in a few days, should I even reach out to her then?

I don't know if I presented myself in a good light here, just keep in mind that I didn't ask to be hit up for cash. I feel I'm a good person and I listen to her on the phone as much as she listenes to me, so it seemed like a fair exchange.

The "love you" thing is the biggest tell. By the end it's become your main piece of evidence.... "she's evaluating me based on money," "what's the friendship worth to her, losing me over $500." But in the conversation that triggered all this, she'd just told you she's in real pain, not sleeping, basically living on rice, and not doing well mentally. If a friend told me that, whether she remembered to type "love you too" afterward wouldn't even register. That it registered so much for you enough to make you question the whole friendship. Says this hit something that has almost nothing to do with $500.

You described a friend who sounds like she's in real trouble.... pain, no sleep, barely eating, "not well mentally," out of work, selling her things to get by and what you took from that conversation was "I might not get my money back" and "she didn't ask about me." Neither of those is really about $500. That's the read of someone who needs this friendship to keep proving itself to them to keep asking, keep saying it back, keep initiating and when she's too overwhelmed to do that, it lands as her pulling away rather than as her drowning.

So if I'm being straight: I don't think this is "am I a bad friend for not lending $500." It's closer to "I need to feel like I matter to her."

You don't owe her $500 you don't want to give, for the record. But the conversation you actually need to have probably isn't about the loan it's figuring out what you actually need from this friendship right now and being honest with her about that, instead of waiting to see if she earns her way back into your good graces.

What you described about her health and mental state sounds like more than stress about selling a house. Worth keeping an eye on, regardless of how the money thing resolves.

[Anonymous]

3 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

You could have ignored the written request or said no. Instead, you want to make her a villain because you won’t follow through on what you offered to do. So tell her you’ve changed your mind. Then you’re off your own hook, and you can stop resenting her so much.

I'll think about this. I should have said no, I guess. I'm on the fence now and need to be convinced by having her ask for the money again.  I just want to see that she is making an effort herself and plus maybe other people will lend her money. If she asks again, though, I think I might lend it to her.

[Anonymous]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

So if I'm being straight: I don't think this is "am I a bad friend for not lending $500." It's closer to "I need to feel like I matter to her."

You don't owe her $500 you don't want to give, for the record. But the conversation you actually need to have probably isn't about the loan it's figuring out what you actually need from this friendship right now and being honest with her about that, instead of waiting to see if she earns her way back into your good graces.

Yeah, I want to be respected. Thank you for saying I don't owe her the $500.  You see, the way I was brought up is that if you made your bed you lie in it. I've worked hard. I know she has mental issues like depression that she's been dealing with. But, if she made better choices, then maybe she wouldn't be so depressed. And I was fine with how the friendship was going up until now. Am I getting what I need from it? I was, but now I'm expected to pay.. That's what gets me.

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I know she has mental issues like depression that she's been dealing with. But, if she made better choices, then maybe she wouldn't be so depressed.

To be fair to your friend (and others who are struggling emotionally), it's difficult to make better choices when one's mental health is poor

[teakitty]

OP,  you are going around in circles.  I agree with what others have said in that you either lend her the money or you tell her that you can't.

You shouldn't have said "yes", if you felt like it was a violation of your principles.

You offered, now you are withholding.

I would say this goes deeper and that there is some shadenfreude at play.

[Sanch62]

27 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I'll think about this. I should have said no, I guess. I'm on the fence now and need to be convinced by having her ask for the money again.  I just want to see that she is making an effort herself and plus maybe other people will lend her money. If she asks again, though, I think I might lend it to her.

Oh, c’mon. You offered it, told her when you would have it for her, skipped your own deadline, and now you want to make her tap dance for it?

Skip that. You have a friend in big trouble, and you offered to help. Don’t test her graciousness now. Keep your word or tell her that you’re not going to do that, and stop judging her ability to perform for you while she’s trying to survive.

[Alpacalia]

36 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

Yeah, I want to be respected. Thank you for saying I don't owe her the $500.  You see, the way I was brought up is that if you made your bed you lie in it. I've worked hard. I know she has mental issues like depression that she's been dealing with. But, if she made better choices, then maybe she wouldn't be so depressed. And I was fine with how the friendship was going up until now. Am I getting what I need from it? I was, but now I'm expected to pay.. That's what gets me.

She’s barely sleeping, in pain, living on rice, and “not well mentally.”

You interpret that as her “making bad choices,” instead of recognizing that depression limits a person’s capacity to make good ones.

That’s resentment misplaced onto her illness.

Sorry, but you're making her responsible for your own discomfort with your own boundary. You didn’t want to lend the money. You said yes anyway. Now you're angry at her for the discomfort you created.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are your own worst enemy here, OP.