How to move on from someone when the love and connection will likely never fade?

June 11

I dated a woman for about 5 years. We ended up having a child together

We were both quite young, inexperienced, and probably battling some mental health issues.

Our relationship has good moments but was filled with relatively small, trivial things that instead of being treated as such regularly devolved into yelling, fights, bickering, not talking to each other for days.

She ended up leaving. We did a base level of communicating for our child's sake for almost 2 years.

Fast forward to about 7-8 months ago we started taking a little more, taking our child to do things, talking on the phone a bit more

It eventually got to the point where our interactions were so good, happy, full of laughter, and I had seen so much growth in her and she had told me numerous times she had seen a ton of growth in me- and was so proud of me for the father I was, for my growth and maturity, for how much better I handled things nowadays- that I brought up the idea of giving us another shot.

Mind you we were together about 5 years, and separated for about 3 total now.

She was a bit confused and not sure when I brought up getting back together. She told me that it was something buried deep down inside her as a wish or hope but she simply couldn't do it now.

We had an incident where she gave me some bad news and I handled it in a perfectly calm way (she later said) but in that moment she got very upset and went into a (for lack of a better term) PTSD sort of "breakdown" and it took her a minute to "come back"

Later that day she told me I did nothing wrong or bad in how I handled the situation, but that it's that sort of thing that lets her know we cannot be together. She knows any time there is any sort of issue her body and nervous system are going to revert back to 5-6 years ago when we were in a bad place relationally.

She ultimately said she still loves me, thinks about me all the time, sees me every time she looks at our little boy, but that her nervous system was still on so much alert around me and she was still so protective of herself against me that she physically couldn't be together.

The last thing she said to me about it was

She would never tell me to wait for her, that's completely wrong and she could never do it. But all she knows is that she cannot be with me right now and she can't guarantee that she will ever be in a place where she could give us another try.

I love her and care for her so much. I realize that I just have to let her go be free, and how she describes the nervous system going haywire on her when we have a sensitive subject come up breaks my heart and I don't want to be a source of any pain or discomfort to her ever again. So I have to let her go.

We do things with our child sometimes and we will have a minor issue and we get through it like it's nothing. We carry on and continue to laugh and have a good day. And I just feel my body screaming "look at us, we can do it. We are so much more mature and capable of communicating and getting through stuff together!" It's like things before that wouldve ruined our whole day are dealt with immediately and don't turn into anything

I am just struggling to reconcile her moving on with her life and me moving on with my life when we both still love each other after all the years and all we've been through, and also with seeing so much growth and improvement in each other. And sometimes I think I should just wait for her, like I owe her that. But I know she isn't waiting for me, she's not even sure we can or will ever be together again.

All I can do is support her and live my life. I know the answer. It's just so hard to give up on us. Does anyone have any thoughts for a situation like this where it might not be over forever but it's over for now? I feel stuck in a sort of limbo. Like I'm not living the life where we've lost each other, and I'm not living the life where we are back together. I'm in some murky gray abyss where I'm living on hope for something that probably won't even happen, and it's preventing me from actually living

June 12

4 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Does anyone have any thoughts for a situation like this where it might not be over forever but it's over for now?

This “might not be over” thinking is your biggest problem here.

No one knows the future, and yes, it is not impossible for two people to separate and then get together again.

But hoping that would happen instead of moving on and rebuilding your heart will just cause you tons of extra suffering.

She is very clear about not wanting to be together. You have to accept it.

You have a child together and you’ll always be part of each other’s lives and care for each other. That’s already something that a lot of people don’t have. You can be close friends without having a romantic relationship, which didn’t work out between you two. You’re young and there is plenty to explore and experience in your romantic life.

June 12

It sounds like she doesn't have the heart to tell you she isn't into you like that anymore, so she comes up with some other rather odd reasoning to avoid hurting you by being more honest.

As such, I don't really think there's any "might" here, in terms of reconciliation. It instead seems she has moved on, and sees that you are good friends and co-parents but the romantic interest isn't there for her any longer. Anything is possible, but it doesn't seem she sees a future with you as a partner. I would take that for what it is, and move forward without keeping yourself in limbo.

You might always care for each other but the connection you feel right now is likely to fade as you come to accept that you and she have moved in different directions.

June 12

"

She would never tell me to wait for her, that's completely wrong and she could never do it. But all she knows is that she cannot be with me right now and she can't guarantee that she will ever be in a place where she could give us another try."

this is a very standard line from someone that doesn't know how to be blunt and say "no" along with the other instances of her making excuses that her nervous system and body won't allow her to date you.

this story sounds more like YOU are the one holding onto the fantasy and she isn't. you approached the conversation, she said no. if she wanted to get back together, she would have said yes.

June 12

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It sounds like she doesn't have the heart to tell you she isn't into you like that anymore, so she comes up with some other rather odd reasoning to avoid hurting you by being more honest.

As such, I don't really think there's any "might" here, in terms of reconciliation. It instead seems she has moved on, and sees that you are good friends and co-parents but the romantic interest isn't there for her any longer. Anything is possible, but it doesn't seem she sees a future with you as a partner. I would take that for what it is, and move forward without keeping yourself in limbo.

You might always care for each other but the connection you feel right now is likely to fade as you come to accept that you and she have moved in different directions.

She's actively dating other men. That's what the "bad news" was about. She opened up to me about something not working out with someone else. I consoled her. And somehow that didn't really cast any clarity on the situation for me.

I remember telling myself that she was forcing herself to date other men because she loves me but doesn't think he will work out so she's trying to hurry up and move on in order to cover/replace her feelings

Insanity huh.

I know she's gone.

June 12

6 hours ago, flitzanu said:

"

She would never tell me to wait for her, that's completely wrong and she could never do it. But all she knows is that she cannot be with me right now and she can't guarantee that she will ever be in a place where she could give us another try."

this is a very standard line from someone that doesn't know how to be blunt and say "no" along with the other instances of her making excuses that her nervous system and body won't allow her to date you.

this story sounds more like YOU are the one holding onto the fantasy and she isn't. you approached the conversation, she said no. if she wanted to get back together, she would have said yes.

When she said the she still loves me things, she thinks about me all the time, etc., it was completely unprompted.

We were sitting down with our child (too young to understand) eating lunch and she started saying those things

It's all irrelevant anyway, she said she doesn't want to be together, that's it

June 13

5 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

She's actively dating other men. That's what the "bad news" was about.

Ah, I see. Well, that tells you where she is at, anyway. How did you react to this news when she told you? What did you say to her?

5 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

I remember telling myself that she was forcing herself to date other men because she loves me but doesn't think he will work out so she's trying to hurry up and move on in order to cover/replace her feelings

Insanity huh.

It's a common reaction to not being ready to accept that someone has moved on, really. We often go into panic mode and think of a less-painful justification as a means of protecting ourselves against the sting of reality. But it sounds like you're slowly accepting that the above isn't the reason she is dating. She is dating because she would like to find a new partner and has moved on from your past relationship.

Take your time healing. Eventually you will probably see this is for the best.

June 13

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Ah, I see. Well, that tells you where she is at, anyway. How did you react to this news when she told you? What did you say to her?

It's a common reaction to not being ready to accept that someone has moved on, really. We often go into panic mode and think of a less-painful justification as a means of protecting ourselves against the sting of reality. But it sounds like you're slowly accepting that the above isn't the reason she is dating. She is dating because she would like to find a new partner and has moved on from your past relationship.

Take your time healing. Eventually you will probably see this is for the best.

When she told me I think I went a little numb, I didn't say anything for probably 20 seconds

She said something to the effect of are you mad at me and I said not mad, it's a little difficult to hear that when I'd been hoping to reconcile over the last 6-7 months

That was basically it because she was very upset about it not working with this guy, so I was just consoling her and trying to make her feel better. Told her dating is hard, just because someone isn't interested doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you, she's a fun, happy, good person, and she will find someone eventually

Just tried to be supportive.

I find myself becoming quite angry at her. I didn't mention it in the initial post but when this whole thing started 7-8 months ago the very first thing she said regarding us getting back together was that she didn't know, and she needed to see how we could operate as parents first, and that's what she needed right now.

And over those months I'd randomly get calls from her which could have been simple text messages for something logistical for our child and we'd talk for an hour on the phone, we'd go to dinner and she'd call me old pet names, if we hadn't talked much in a week or 2 she'd make it a point to get out of the car when she picked our child up and stand there talking for 30 min.

It was confusing for me, and I feel like several things she said and did would have led anyone to think something was being rekindled, particularly with the needing to see how we did as parents first comment.

In a weird sort of way, I think I caused her to start dating again. She hadn't dated in multiple years and still hadn't started dating when I initially came back into the picture 7 months ago

I think what happened is that she probably didn't have a ton of interest in reuniting with me, but the romantic interest I started showing her-going to dinner, talking on the phone at night like we used to, flirting with her, and the general affection I clearly had and showed toward her- sort of ignited in her again the feelings of intimacy and having someone who loved you and with whom you had and cultivated that romantic sort of vibe. I think it reminded her what "having" someone was like in some distant and indirect way.

And those feelings after so long were extremely welcome from her point of view, only she realized it was still me and she had basically already written me off from filling the romantic role in her life.

I don't really believe she led me on, but I do believe she was confused at the beginning of all this as to what she wanted, and so the combination of at least some ambiguity on her part with my clear rationalization and justification of everything she did and said as somehow suggestive of a silver lining for us and indicative of her wanting to reunite sent me down a path for months and months of being sure we'd come back to each other.

But now I see that in order for her to actively seek other men and pursue relationships with them. I'm completely extinct from her romantic horizon. I was extremely deluded.

I have a hard time understanding why if we're so much better to each other now, and both claim we still love each other, and have a child together , and both want love and to be with someone.. why would she not give us another chance. She obviously wants a relationship.. she's dating. And I'm right here, ready to try again and show up much better, more healthy , and more mature for each other. And she can't be bothered by any of it. She's just going on without me, looking for someone else.

June 13

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Ah, I see. Well, that tells you where she is at, anyway. How did you react to this news when she told you? What did you say to her?

It's a common reaction to not being ready to accept that someone has moved on, really. We often go into panic mode and think of a less-painful justification as a means of protecting ourselves against the sting of reality. But it sounds like you're slowly accepting that the above isn't the reason she is dating. She is dating because she would like to find a new partner and has moved on from your past relationship.

Take your time healing. Eventually you will probably see this is for the best.

One thing she has reiterated over and over is that she loves how we are able to take our child to do things together now, take them to appointments together, how we can talk or call each other, and the general much closer co-parenting relationship we've built

Unfortunately I think that's going to have to end. I will continue to be supportive and communicate as necessary, but if we are not going to be together and she is going to be dating other men, I have no interest in seeing her beyond what's necessary for our child. I do not want to participate in outings with her and our child. These are typically things like fairs, zoos, restaurants.

I feel like moving on with my life means, at least for some period of time, I need to see as little of her as possible and hear as little of her as possible. Not sure if that's immature of me but at some point I have to start putting my needs above hers in at least this context , I feel.

June 13

20 minutes ago, whathappenstomenow said:

I have a hard time understanding why if we're so much better to each other now, and both claim we still love each other, and have a child together , and both want love and to be with someone.. why would she not give us another chance.

Quite simply? Probably because she doesn't have romantic feelings for you anymore. Sometimes it just isn't there any longer.

I can think of a couple of exes of mine who were generally good guys and made some positive changes after the break-ups. I hadn't asked them to make those changes, to be clear, but I certainly saw that they'd been doing better for themselves on the random occasions we'd run into each other or briefly caught up. Both of them expressed a desire to try again, and I had to be honest with myself that I just didn't see them that way anymore. I didn't feel good at the thought of being intimate with them again and wouldn't have wanted to. In my heart and mind, my feelings had changed and didn't go any further than friendship any longer. My guess is that this is where your ex is now. She is fond of you and obviously was once into you that way, but isn't now. It's nobody's fault. .It's often just what happens when we fall out of love and have moved on.

9 minutes ago, whathappenstomenow said:

if we are not going to be together and she is going to be dating other men, I have no interest in seeing her beyond what's necessary for our child. I do not want to participate in outings with her and our child. These are typically things like fairs, zoos, restaurants.

I think that is completely fair and not immature of you at all. She's fine with seeing you and going on joint outings because she doesn't have those feelings for you anymore, while you are coming from a different place and still wanted to be with her. It is not a good idea to be doing joint anything beyond what is necessary for your child. Most co-parents aren't that close. It's not always the healthiest choice, either. Sometimes caring for someone from a distance is the healthiest for all involved.

30 minutes ago, whathappenstomenow said:

In a weird sort of way, I think I caused her to start dating again. She hadn't dated in multiple years and still hadn't started dating when I initially came back into the picture 7 months ago

Maybe, maybe not. Maybe she just hadn't met anyone she was actually interested in dating. Maybe she's slept with or dated men you know nothing about. I wouldn't presume you know the real goings-on behind closed doors, nor would I speculate any further about it. It doesn't serve you and doesn't really change anything for you.

June 13

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Quite simply? Probably because she doesn't have romantic feelings for you anymore. Sometimes it just isn't there any longer.

I can think of a couple of exes of mine who were generally good guys and made some positive changes after the break-ups. I hadn't asked them to make those changes, to be clear, but I certainly saw that they'd been doing better for themselves on the random occasions we'd run into each other or briefly caught up. Both of them expressed a desire to try again, and I had to be honest with myself that I just didn't see them that way anymore. I didn't feel good at the thought of being intimate with them again and wouldn't have wanted to. In my heart and mind, my feelings had changed and didn't go any further than friendship any longer. My guess is that this is where your ex is now. She is fond of you and obviously was once into you that way, but isn't now. It's nobody's fault. .It's often just what happens when we fall out of love and have moved on.

I think that is completely fair and not immature of you at all. She's fine with seeing you and going on joint outings because she doesn't have those feelings for you anymore, while you are coming from a different place and still wanted to be with her. It is not a good idea to be doing joint anything beyond what is necessary for your child. Most co-parents aren't that close. It's not always the healthiest choice, either. Sometimes caring for someone from a distance is the healthiest for all involved.

Maybe, maybe not. Maybe she just hadn't met anyone she was actually interested in dating. Maybe she's slept with or dated men you know nothing about. I wouldn't presume you know the real goings-on behind closed doors, nor would I speculate any further about it. It doesn't serve you and doesn't really change anything for you.

It's just so brutal with a child. In past breakups I get rid of everything and I'm fine. Required continuous exposure makes it much more difficult.

I know you don't know her but the way she still looks at me, how she blushes a little when I tease she or whatever. It's like I know she still feels something. I don't think she's just over it.

I'm hopeless. I just have to remember she's with other people

Thank you for the time

June 13

1 hour ago, whathappenstomenow said:

but the way she still looks at me, how she blushes a little when I tease she or whatever. It's like I know she still feels something.

You could also very well be projecting.

She knows she could be with you if she wanted. She has chosen another route so it is best you don't read into something that might not actually be there.

June 14

10 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

I know you don't know her but the way she still looks at me, how she blushes a little when I tease she or whatever. It's like I know she still feels something. I don't think she's just over it.

Sometimes people have no intention of being with you but enjoy the fact that you're attracted to them. And if you don't set boundaries to protect yourself, they will gladly bask in the attention you give them. You still have feelings for her. So you want to avoid putting yourself in situations where you keep getting rejected. You definitely don't want to be the guy that she confides in about her experiences dating other men.

June 14

44 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Sometimes people have no intention of being with you but enjoy the fact that you're attracted to them. And if you don't set boundaries to protect yourself, they will gladly bask in the attention you give them. You still have feelings for her. So you want to avoid putting yourself in situations where you keep getting rejected. You definitely don't want to be the guy that she confides in about her experiences dating other men.

It's been about a week and I'm pretty pissed off about what she told me and the detail used. I didn't need to know that.

She prefaced it with " you're either going to be really mad at me or not care at all" (regarding what she was about to tell me)

She's putting serious effort into finding someone to spend the rest of her life with and I'm sitting here like an idiot all upset, missing her, and hoping we get back together.

I have no interest in speaking to her anymore.

June 14

2 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

She's putting serious effort into finding someone to spend the rest of her life with and I'm sitting here like an idiot all upset, missing her, and hoping we get back together.

Don't be too hard on yourself here.

I agree with you that while she didn't promise you anything, her behaviour with you sent mixed messages that I am sure she was aware could have been misinterpreted by you as hope for a future. She should have been more mindful of that and put firmer boundaries in place so as not to get wires crossed.

2 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

I'm pretty pissed off about what she told me and the detail used

I also think she could have been much more mindful here. It was good that she let you know she has been dating others in the interest of being honest, but there was no need to go into further detail about it. And there was certainly no need to cry on your shoulder about it. Having said that, I do wonder why you didn't shut that down and instead tried to "support" her in that conversaiton. A simple, "sorrry, but I am not the person to vent to about this" would have sufficed. She isn't clueless, so I am sure she also knew it could be very awkward to cry to an ex-boyfriend about a current love situation not working out. Come on.

Anyway, now you know where your boundaries are and can do a better job protecting them moving forward.

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