How to move on from someone when the love and connection will likely never fade?

[Anonymous]

 

I dated a woman for about 5 years. We ended up having a child together 

We were both quite young, inexperienced, and probably battling some mental health issues.

Our relationship has good moments but was filled with relatively small, trivial things that instead of being treated as such regularly devolved into yelling, fights, bickering, not talking to each other for days.

 

She ended up leaving. We did a base level of communicating for our child's sake for almost 2 years.

 

 

Fast forward to about 7-8 months ago we started taking a little more, taking our child to do things, talking on the phone a bit more

 

 

It eventually got to the point where our interactions were so good, happy,  full of laughter, and I had seen so much growth in her and she had told me numerous times she had seen a ton of growth in me- and was so proud of me for the father I was, for my growth and maturity, for how much better I handled things nowadays- that I brought up the idea of giving us another shot.

Mind you we were together about 5 years, and separated for about 3 total now.

She was a bit confused and not sure when I brought up getting back together. She told me that it was something buried deep down inside her as a wish or hope but she simply couldn't do it now.

 

We had an incident where she gave me some bad news and I handled it in a perfectly calm way (she later said) but in that moment she got very upset and went into a (for lack of a better term) PTSD sort of "breakdown" and it took her a minute to "come back"

Later that day she told me I did nothing wrong or bad in how I handled the situation, but that it's that sort of thing that lets her know we cannot be together. She knows any time there is any sort of issue her body and nervous system are going to revert back to 5-6 years ago when we were in a bad place relationally.

She ultimately said she still loves me, thinks about me all the time, sees me every time she looks at our little boy, but that her nervous system was still on so much alert around me and she was still so protective of herself against me that she physically couldn't be together. 

The last thing she said to me about it was

 

She would never tell me to wait for her, that's completely wrong and she could never do it. But all she knows is that she cannot be with me right now and she can't guarantee that she will ever be in a place where she could give us another try.

 

 

I love her and care for her so much. I realize that I just have to let her go be free, and how she describes the nervous system going haywire on her when we have a sensitive subject come up breaks my heart and I don't want to be a source of any pain or discomfort to her ever again. So I have to let her go.

 

We do things with our child sometimes and we will have a minor issue and we get through it like it's nothing. We carry on and continue to laugh and have a good day. And I just feel my body screaming "look at us, we can do it. We are so much more mature and capable of communicating and getting through stuff together!" It's like things before that wouldve ruined our whole day are dealt with immediately and don't turn into anything 

 

 

I am just struggling to reconcile her moving on with her life and me moving on with my life when we both still love each other after all the years and all we've been through, and also with seeing so much growth and improvement in each other. And sometimes I think I should just wait for her, like I owe her that. But I know she isn't waiting for me, she's not even sure we can or will ever be together again.

 

All I can do is support her and live my life. I know the answer. It's just so hard to give up on us. Does anyone have any thoughts for a situation like this where it might not be over forever but it's over for now? I feel stuck in a sort of limbo. Like I'm not living the life where we've lost each other, and I'm not living the life where we are back together. I'm in some murky gray abyss where I'm living on hope for something that probably won't even happen, and it's preventing me from actually living 

 

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Does anyone have any thoughts for a situation like this where it might not be over forever but it's over for now?

This “might not be over” thinking is your biggest problem here.

No one knows the future, and yes, it is not impossible for two people to separate and then get together again.

But hoping that would happen instead of moving on and rebuilding your heart will just cause you tons of extra suffering.

She is very clear about not wanting to be together. You have to accept it.

You have a child together and you’ll always be part of each other’s lives and care for each other. That’s already something that a lot of people don’t have. You can be close friends without having a romantic relationship, which didn’t work out between you two. You’re young and there is plenty to explore and experience in your romantic life.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like she doesn't have the heart to tell you she isn't into you like that anymore, so she comes up with some other rather odd reasoning to avoid hurting you by being more honest. 

As such, I don't really think there's any "might" here, in terms of reconciliation. It instead seems she has moved on, and sees that you are good friends and co-parents but the romantic interest isn't there for her any longer. Anything is possible, but it doesn't seem she sees a future with you as a partner. I would take that for what it is, and move forward without keeping yourself in limbo. 

You might always care for each other but the connection you feel right now is likely to fade as you come to accept that you and she have moved in different directions. 

[flitzanu]

"

She would never tell me to wait for her, that's completely wrong and she could never do it. But all she knows is that she cannot be with me right now and she can't guarantee that she will ever be in a place where she could give us another try."

 

this is a very standard line from someone that doesn't know how to be blunt and say "no" along with the other instances of her making excuses that her nervous system and body won't allow her to date you.

this story sounds more like YOU are the one holding onto the fantasy and she isn't.  you approached the conversation, she said no.  if she wanted to get back together, she would have said yes.