Why has ending this situationshop affected me more than some relationships?

[barneygame]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading a lot about attachment, situationships and unrequited feelings recently, and I think I need some outside perspective because I've been struggling to make sense of what happened.

I'm 34 and about a year ago I met a woman who is 24 while travelling abroad. We connected instantly, ended up sleeping together and stayed in touch afterwards.

Over the next year we spoke almost every day. We became emotionally close, supported each other through difficult times, shared personal things and became a significant part of each other's lives.

The problem was that while I increasingly developed romantic feelings, she maintained that she saw me as a friend.

This is where I became confused.

It never felt like a typical friendship to me. We'd slept together, there was chemistry, attraction and emotional intimacy. She acknowledged there was a connection between us and even made comments over time that suggested things may have been different under different circumstances.

At the same time, whenever the topic became serious, the friendship label remained.

Recently I travelled to see her again. I'd been looking forward to it for a long time and probably built it up too much in my head.

Unfortunately things didn't go as I hoped. We spent less time together than expected due to work, illness and plans falling through. I became disappointed and emotional.

One night after drinking I sent messages that I regret. Nothing abusive or cruel, but I wasn't at my best and I let my emotions get the better of me.

Before the trip I had written her a letter explaining my feelings because deep down I already knew I couldn't continue indefinitely in this grey area.

Eventually she read the letter and responded kindly insisting she wanted to see me but after I sent the drunk messages, she cancelled and messaged me. She told me I wasn't delusional, wasn't a placeholder and that she valued me. She thanked me for everything, said she would miss me and wished me well. On top of that she said this isn't goodbye because you don't know what life will bring and if I ever need to contact her, do not hesitate or think it's weird. Finally she said don't forget how amazing you are and that she would keep the letter forever. 

However, she also made it clear that she saw me as a friend.

After that I made the decision to walk away, she agreed if it was for my mental well being. 

I realised that no matter how much I cared about her, I couldn't genuinely continue a friendship while hoping for something more.

What I'm struggling with now isn't whether I should contact her again. I don't intend to.

What I'm struggling with is understanding why this has affected me so deeply and why I'm finding it harder to move on from this than some actual relationships I've had.

Part of me feels like I lost a friend.

Part of me feels like I lost a possibility.

Part of me feels disappointed because I never felt I fully understood her side of things. She was always kind but other times she would flirt and then change. Sometimes she would open up and tell me she felt the connection instantly and in another life under different circumstances this could've been something. But she replayed our day together many times in her head and it made her feel alive, the connection wasn't one sided. 

And part of me wonders whether the uncertainty itself is what kept me attached for so long. I just don't know what changed for her, I'm not mad but I just couldn't do it anymore so I walked. Whenever I used to try and pull away she would always pull me back in. There was a guy who she liked before she met me, but it was complicated. He was always busy and breadcrumbed her so she was hooked on that, I was always reliable to be genuine. But whenever she'd mention him it'd hurt me because we'd have something too. She's supposed to be moving to where her friends are next year and that guy lives around there too, also one of the reasons I had to walk. She's entitled to do what she wants but if I was a close friend and they got together, it'd hurt too much so that was a disaster I've tried to avoid. 

Has anyone experienced something similar? I know walking was the right thing to do, if she doesn't come back then that's the way it is. I do think she will though down the line, even if it's only for friendship which I can't see me accepting.

How did you stop analysing the situation and finally make peace with it?

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, barneygame said:

Whenever I used to try and pull away she would always pull me back in.

Can you elaborate on what you mean by this? How did you pull away and how you feel she pulled you back in? 

It sounds to me like it was a vacation fling that she enjoyed, and you two became closer after, but that she never really viewed this as a longer-term prospect. It appears you don't live near each other so I am sure logisitics didn't help, so I don't know that anything changed - it seems it never really had legs to begin with. 

The disconnect stems, in my opinion, for the expectations and emotional value each of you assigned to this. It doesn't sound entirely one-sided but it also appears she wasn't as emotionally attached as you were. I also gather you viewed this as building towards something, while she viewed it as a fun time and good friendship but not something with potential to develop.

11 hours ago, barneygame said:

Recently I travelled to see her again. I'd been looking forward to it for a long time and probably built it up too much in my head.

Whose idea was it to plan this trip? If you knew she viewed you as a friend, why did you go through with it, and what expectations did you have? You said you built it up too much in your head, so I am wondering how you thought it was going to go versus how it actually went. Did you have other indicators that it wasn't going to be the experience you'd imagined? 

[Sanch62]

The most difficult break ups are the ones we are forced to have with fantasies we create about someone, which can have very little to do with the person themselves. It’s the kind of painful dis-illusion-ment young people tend to suffer over celebrities and rock stars when they live most vividly in their own head rather than participating in real life to a healthy enough degree.

It sounds as though you invested in such fantasies while this woman was out participating in her life. She may have kept a pen pal volley going with you, but she had a more practical grasp on how far things could go while you were not positioned to become a regular presence in one another’s lives.

Your grief is natural, but be careful of how much suffering you‘ll want to hold onto. This experience can either teach you to become more grounded and resilient, or you can misuse it to drill yourself into an unnecessary hole to climb out of. Consider your choice wisely.

[Gebidozo]

I think the reason why it’s so difficult is because you let a fantasy take over reality for too long.

The moment it became clear to you that you were catching feelings for her while she continued regarding you as a friend you should have terminated this connection.

Instead, you continued to lead yourself on with unreasonable hopes, letting your feelings develop instead of nipping them in the bud.

It’s like a disease that you neglected to deal with during its early stages, starting the cure after it had already progressed.

Luckily, romantic obsessions are intrinsically curable. Give yourself more time to heal.