How do I feel like a person again?

[2500]

I feel over dramatic thinking about this so much after this much time but I feel like I need some honest feedback to get my head out of it.

back when I was 13 (for reference I am currently 16 and I believe she is 19), I had met a 16 year old girl at church who would turn out to be my neighbor. The first thing she said to me was something akin to her thinking i was hot and she gave me her number. That had been the first time I was referred to in that way and I felt odd about it, still I was happy at the idea that someone thought I was half decent. When it came time for her to text me for the first time (a day or so later), she invited me over to help paint her foster parents’ second property. Most of the time was spent with me painting, taking out trash, and removing wallpaper while she watched, (not to discredit her work or anything, she did plenty of work before I got there) usually asking about anything I’ve done in the past relationship wise. After a couple of days of this, she offered for me to go back to her house to talk where we really just spoke on her couch until she asked if I wanted to kiss, saying she wanted to be my first. I said I didn’t think I was ready and that I barely knew her but she kept asking that whole night, saying it was “now or never”, saying she really needed my consent, that I should probably leave if I said no, and that she just wanted to try it, offering to “teach” me. I felt uncomfortable, I wanted to save that sort of thing for someone I trusted and to have it be a moment, not something flippantly decided on a girl I just met’s couch. Still, I didn’t want to leave and I didn’t want her to stop liking me so I eventually said yes one she said she’d be chill about it. As soon as I said yes, she instead pretty much immediately had me lay down and got on top of me, telling me what to do with my hands and to close my eyes before immediately (and I’m sorry if this is kinda graphic) going in with tongue and biting. I freaked out but I kinda thought it was rude to actually do anything so I sorta tried to focus on anything else in the room until she pulled back and suggested we go again. I said I had to go home, offered her like a high five or something and ran home (across the street) where I dry heaved in the sink for a hot minute and cried about it for most the night. 

The thing is, it wasn’t just that night cause from then on she would message me regularly to have me come over and would try the same thing. I remember the one night she had the same situation set up with me laying down this time in her room only this time I flinched when she went in. She sorta got all weird, going on about how I must not like her and that I should leave which she retracted once I apologized. We ended up doing this whole routine for nearly two-ish years where she would go plenty of time meeting up regularly before she’d cut me off for anything from a week to a month or so. Within the first month of being with her, I found out I wasn’t the only one she was with. I really felt like a whore. I wanted her to like me and to want me but I still knew she didn’t really value me too much. She went so far as to introduce me to the other guys she was with, even made out with one in front of me. She would also talk about sex with them rather frequently (and she would weirdly try to do this whole thing of “yeah I was with him the other night but he honestly wasn’t that great, I wonder if you could do any better?” which I would always subvert the conversation from) which made me think that we weren’t really dating aside from the fact that she would constantly have me tell her I loved her and would flip out if I spoke to anyone else (girl or guy). She’d go through my contacts and delete conversations or write out messages on my behalf telling people I hated them so they would stop messaging me. She’d also do this whole thing where if I was the one who suggesting leaving, she’d make me show proof that I had something more important to do and would get irritated regardless. One thing that I still have to deal with today even though I hardly see her is that she somehow got a ton of people who work around town (who I assume are friends of hers, idk) to recognize me but I haven’t met them, she doesn’t have any pictures of me, and they can pick me out by name in a crowd. I still get people coming up to me asking me if they have my name right and then following by telling me that she still misses me or something. 
 

The last time I spoke to her really was the day I returned from the mental hospital (we both were really suicidal at the time (she was the only one who knew at the time), she offered a double suicide a couple times which I wasn’t down for being I felt guilty and like I was responsible for her death if I agreed. Sometimes I felt like she just kept me around cause she knew I had a gun I could get to, idk though). She didn’t say much aside from showing me photos of her new boyfriend (or just another her guy she was into, I don’t remember) and then telling me about her own attempt, having me tell her I loved her again. Out of nowhere she started changing (like full on nude) in front of me (which I looked away for) before redressing in some kinda short clothing and commenting on the condom wrapper on the floor. She asked if I was a virgin and made some kinda gross comments when I said that I was before asking to sit with me. I said sure and she proceeded to instead sit on my lap and put on what she referred to as her sex playlist (which, side note: sucked, it was just trippie redd). I don’t remember if she asked if I wanted to or not, she probably did and I probably just said that I didn’t know but she started putting her hands under my pants and shirt and telling me it was fine. I pretty much gave up at that point, I cant tell if I wanted it or if I never wanted to see her again so I just tried distracting myself again. I only got out of the full blown thing because her dad walked in. Somehow he didn’t see and I ended up having to eat dinner with her family afterward. 
 

I dunno, people have gone through way worse than what happened and it’s been almost a year now, I should be over it but I feel stuck. I don’t know why she did any of that, what she was trying to do or why it was me (she was with plenty of people but I was the only one she did the suicide thing with and would talk about the other people with (at least according to what I have been told)). I feel really lame about it. I know I hated all of it but I kept coming back every time and honestly I would come back now if she game me a chance again. I really want someone to want me and I’m afraid of relationships with people who actually care. I feel like I don’t deserve better. I’ve started developing habits dangerously close to becoming agoraphobic and I think my self esteem is shot. I dunno, I feel like I realized all the stuff that should bring me out of this but I still feel stuck. It’s just so embarrassing, the fact that I don’t have the dignity to have been the one to break up, the fact that I want back, just having to go in public with her was humiliating in its own. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore, how to stop saving myself for someone who doesn’t care.

 

im sorry for how long this is, thank you for reading, I’m just so incredibly lost and I’ve started feeling hopeless. I’m hoping hearing what people think might ground me but I’m not sure,