How do I feel like a person again?

[2500]

I feel over dramatic thinking about this so much after this much time but I feel like I need some honest feedback to get my head out of it.

back when I was 13 (for reference I am currently 16 and I believe she is 19), I had met a 16 year old girl at church who would turn out to be my neighbor. The first thing she said to me was something akin to her thinking i was hot and she gave me her number. That had been the first time I was referred to in that way and I felt odd about it, still I was happy at the idea that someone thought I was half decent. When it came time for her to text me for the first time (a day or so later), she invited me over to help paint her foster parents’ second property. Most of the time was spent with me painting, taking out trash, and removing wallpaper while she watched, (not to discredit her work or anything, she did plenty of work before I got there) usually asking about anything I’ve done in the past relationship wise. After a couple of days of this, she offered for me to go back to her house to talk where we really just spoke on her couch until she asked if I wanted to kiss, saying she wanted to be my first. I said I didn’t think I was ready and that I barely knew her but she kept asking that whole night, saying it was “now or never”, saying she really needed my consent, that I should probably leave if I said no, and that she just wanted to try it, offering to “teach” me. I felt uncomfortable, I wanted to save that sort of thing for someone I trusted and to have it be a moment, not something flippantly decided on a girl I just met’s couch. Still, I didn’t want to leave and I didn’t want her to stop liking me so I eventually said yes one she said she’d be chill about it. As soon as I said yes, she instead pretty much immediately had me lay down and got on top of me, telling me what to do with my hands and to close my eyes before immediately (and I’m sorry if this is kinda graphic) going in with tongue and biting. I freaked out but I kinda thought it was rude to actually do anything so I sorta tried to focus on anything else in the room until she pulled back and suggested we go again. I said I had to go home, offered her like a high five or something and ran home (across the street) where I dry heaved in the sink for a hot minute and cried about it for most the night. 

The thing is, it wasn’t just that night cause from then on she would message me regularly to have me come over and would try the same thing. I remember the one night she had the same situation set up with me laying down this time in her room only this time I flinched when she went in. She sorta got all weird, going on about how I must not like her and that I should leave which she retracted once I apologized. We ended up doing this whole routine for nearly two-ish years where she would go plenty of time meeting up regularly before she’d cut me off for anything from a week to a month or so. Within the first month of being with her, I found out I wasn’t the only one she was with. I really felt like a whore. I wanted her to like me and to want me but I still knew she didn’t really value me too much. She went so far as to introduce me to the other guys she was with, even made out with one in front of me. She would also talk about sex with them rather frequently (and she would weirdly try to do this whole thing of “yeah I was with him the other night but he honestly wasn’t that great, I wonder if you could do any better?” which I would always subvert the conversation from) which made me think that we weren’t really dating aside from the fact that she would constantly have me tell her I loved her and would flip out if I spoke to anyone else (girl or guy). She’d go through my contacts and delete conversations or write out messages on my behalf telling people I hated them so they would stop messaging me. She’d also do this whole thing where if I was the one who suggesting leaving, she’d make me show proof that I had something more important to do and would get irritated regardless. One thing that I still have to deal with today even though I hardly see her is that she somehow got a ton of people who work around town (who I assume are friends of hers, idk) to recognize me but I haven’t met them, she doesn’t have any pictures of me, and they can pick me out by name in a crowd. I still get people coming up to me asking me if they have my name right and then following by telling me that she still misses me or something. 
 

The last time I spoke to her really was the day I returned from the mental hospital (we both were really suicidal at the time (she was the only one who knew at the time), she offered a double suicide a couple times which I wasn’t down for being I felt guilty and like I was responsible for her death if I agreed. Sometimes I felt like she just kept me around cause she knew I had a gun I could get to, idk though). She didn’t say much aside from showing me photos of her new boyfriend (or just another her guy she was into, I don’t remember) and then telling me about her own attempt, having me tell her I loved her again. Out of nowhere she started changing (like full on nude) in front of me (which I looked away for) before redressing in some kinda short clothing and commenting on the condom wrapper on the floor. She asked if I was a virgin and made some kinda gross comments when I said that I was before asking to sit with me. I said sure and she proceeded to instead sit on my lap and put on what she referred to as her sex playlist (which, side note: sucked, it was just trippie redd). I don’t remember if she asked if I wanted to or not, she probably did and I probably just said that I didn’t know but she started putting her hands under my pants and shirt and telling me it was fine. I pretty much gave up at that point, I cant tell if I wanted it or if I never wanted to see her again so I just tried distracting myself again. I only got out of the full blown thing because her dad walked in. Somehow he didn’t see and I ended up having to eat dinner with her family afterward. 
 

I dunno, people have gone through way worse than what happened and it’s been almost a year now, I should be over it but I feel stuck. I don’t know why she did any of that, what she was trying to do or why it was me (she was with plenty of people but I was the only one she did the suicide thing with and would talk about the other people with (at least according to what I have been told)). I feel really lame about it. I know I hated all of it but I kept coming back every time and honestly I would come back now if she game me a chance again. I really want someone to want me and I’m afraid of relationships with people who actually care. I feel like I don’t deserve better. I’ve started developing habits dangerously close to becoming agoraphobic and I think my self esteem is shot. I dunno, I feel like I realized all the stuff that should bring me out of this but I still feel stuck. It’s just so embarrassing, the fact that I don’t have the dignity to have been the one to break up, the fact that I want back, just having to go in public with her was humiliating in its own. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore, how to stop saving myself for someone who doesn’t care.

 

im sorry for how long this is, thank you for reading, I’m just so incredibly lost and I’ve started feeling hopeless. I’m hoping hearing what people think might ground me but I’m not sure,

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry to hear all of this, OP.

This young woman sounds like she was very distrubed and while she was only 3 years old than you, she essentially preyed on a child. I got a chill reading how she pushed sexual boundaries and behaved so inappropriately with you, and this was even more troubling:

21 hours ago, 2500 said:

she offered a double suicide a couple times

She was (and likely still is) a deeply unstable person who needs ongoing psychiatric help. May I ask if you are currently in any sort of treatment? You mentioned you had done a stint in a mental health facility, so I am wondering if you are still under the care of a medical professional. 

What is your relationship like with your parents? Have you got a trusted adult in your life? I am concerned that you are only 16 and have already experienced what could be considered sexual abuse and certainly emotional abuse at the hands of this person. 

[2500]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She was (and likely still is) a deeply unstable person who needs ongoing psychiatric help. May I ask if you are currently in any sort of treatment? You mentioned you had done a stint in a mental health facility, so I am wondering if you are still under the care of a medical professional. 

real quick, I want to say thanks for reading all of that and taking the time for a response, it means a lot honestly. 
 

to answer your question though, no. I haven’t really had any health professionals involved in my life since that first time with the hospital. I would ideally like to go to a therapist just to have someone to talk to about this sort of thing but I’m trying to avoid getting any diagnoses or prescriptions which has been a problem for me in the past. 
 

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What is your relationship like with your parents? Have you got a trusted adult in your life? I am concerned that you are only 16 and have already experienced what could be considered sexual abuse and certainly emotional abuse at the hands of this person. 

I’m pretty close with my parents at the moment but I don’t really talk too deeply with my father. I trust my mom but I haven’t told her and I really don’t think I ever can, or at least not until im an adult and it won’t matter anymore. She does seem to be somewhat aware though, she keeps asking me if someone has done that kinda thing to me just cause I act weird about relationships. All my parents know is that I used to be close to my neighbor and that she kissed me once (they may have found out a couple other things when they went through my phone while I was at the hospital but I’m unsure). 
also, I’m sorry if this sounds weird or something but I kinda struggle with the idea of calling it abuse. I mean I know I’m caught up in it but I also came back and I still sort of want to. I dunno, I feel awful about what happened but I think that if I really hated it that i would have done something more to get out, yk?

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, 2500 said:

I’m trying to avoid getting any diagnoses or prescriptions which has been a problem for me in the past. 

In what way? 

8 hours ago, 2500 said:

I feel awful about what happened but I think that if I really hated it that i would have done something more to get out

This is often what young abuse victims struggle with you. You're too young to have given consent and it's normal to have mixed-up feelings, but this person knew she was deeply violating a boundary and acting against your will. This was abusive behaviour on her part. In any case, I think it would serve you well to speak with a qualified professonal who is trained and experienced in helping young people handle such delicate matters and navigate the complex emotions that come with it. 

Would you trust your mom to help you find someone to talk to? 

[2500]

16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

In what way? 

My past therapists have really just had a really high focus on medicinal solutions which I communicated against wanting. I understand it to be a valid approach to certain concerns but I stated I didn’t want them and it would get brought up every session all the same. Namely with my last therapist was this the biggest problem given she had diagnosed me with numerous issues at the time (of which would all require some form of serious treatment or focus to remedy). What all she diagnosed me with didn’t entirely make sense and I really just didn’t want all of it showing up on my file so I needed up leaving (she wasn’t the only one to do this though). I’m pretty sure she tried to say I had adhd, ocd, bi-polar disorder, and a decently serious personality disorder (I don’t recall which one cause I was pretty out of it and I didn’t really take her seriously). It kinda felt like she was just throwing labels at me without much rationale.
 

16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Would you trust your mom to help you find someone to talk to? 

I don’t think so, no. At least definitely not now given we’re both moving to a kinda dangerous area right now and she’s tryna figure it all out so I feel like it’s not a great time to add more to the situation. Also I am somewhat concerned for her reaction. She knows my neighbor’s family somewhat (the neighbor is next to my dad’s house, not my mom’s for reference) and I know that if she thought it was a big deal she would flip out on them which I’d like to avoid. Last time I told her about what happened with another girl and I was feeling pretty unwell about it she kinda blew it off and said that there’s way worse— which there is, I won’t deny that at all, I just felt kind of like a wuss for being all upset about it. Just worried that’ll happen again even though I’m pretty sure this situation would be considered “worse”. 

I dunno, I just want to feel better about this. I’m sorry to just throw this in but I haven’t felt this bad in a hot minute. I feel so incredibly depressed and I haven’t been able to sleep the past few days. I’m getting desperate I think. I don’t want to sit around sorry for myself but I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t feel like I have any worth, that any good that people think of me is because I deceived them in some way. I’ve been pushing away my friends (which I’m very new to having) and I feel like a terrible person for it. I don’t know why I’m doing this or why I’m squandering the talents I have but I feel almost as though I’ve lost my will. I really love life, I think it’s a beautiful thing that I am lucky to be granted but I’m stuck right now and it hurts really bad. I just don’t know what to do anymore or who to turn to. I’m sorry again I just feel like I have to get this out in some way, you don’t have to respond, I really don’t want to create any amount of obligation I’m just scared of what’ll happen if I don’t communicate it this time yk? Im just really freaked out right now I think. 

[basil67]

I'm so sorry to hear how tough this is for you.   

Quick question: Have you reported your neighbour to the police?  We're talking sex crimes here.   And while it doesn't justify her actions, it's likely that your neighbour learned this behaviour from someone who cared for her in the past, so there's another perpetrator out there.   And trust me, it will still matter when you're an adult.  

12 hours ago, 2500 said:

I’m sorry to just throw this in but I haven’t felt this bad in a hot minute. I feel so incredibly depressed and I haven’t been able to sleep the past few days. I’m getting desperate I think. I don’t want to sit around sorry for myself but I don’t know how to fix this.

While I don't have the alphabet soup lot of diagnoses which your professions are talking about,  I do know a bit about antidepressants.  They make me feel "like a person again" - I can function and not want to cry all the time.   I was great for years and weaned off them a while back and thought I was OK, but I then I stopped sleeping too and my world just fell apart again.  Sleeping tablets are great to get your sleep patterns back on track.  And being back on anti depressants is so much better for my headspace.    In your case, the ADHD may well benefit from Ritalin

I do understand you not wanting to take meds, but if you don't take them and things get worse for you, you may end up back in a psych ward and involuntarily medicated.  Take control of this while it's in your own hands.  Have some say in what you're taking and when. 

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, 2500 said:

What all she diagnosed me with didn’t entirely make sense and I really just didn’t want all of it showing up on my file so I needed up leaving (she wasn’t the only one to do this though). I’m pretty sure she tried to say I had adhd, ocd, bi-polar disorder, and a decently serious personality disorder (I don’t recall which one cause I was pretty out of it and I didn’t really take her seriously)

Perhaps you should have, though. 

I understand your reluctance to accept what she had told you, and I am not saying she was entirely right, but maybe you should not have been so quick to dismiss everything she was saying, either. You are talking about someone with years of professional experience who was trying to help you. Writing it all off isn't necessarily to your benefit. It seems you don't want any diagnoses when in  fact a proper diagnosis and treatment plan may be what helps you the most. 

[2500]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

Quick question: Have you reported your neighbour to the police?  We're talking sex crimes here.   And while it doesn't justify her actions, it's likely that your neighbour learned this behaviour from someone who cared for her in the past, so there's another perpetrator out there.   And trust me, it will still matter when you're an adult.  

No, I haven’t. I really don’t want to complicate things with her and honestly I don’t know if I could handle my parents knowing which they would have to if it were to be reported. As far as her history with this sort of thing, so long as there is another incident I was not told of, what happened has already been addressed by the proper authorities and she currently lives at a foster home. 
also, does this really warrant all that? I feel like it’s not bad enough to earn the label of a sex crime. (Not to assume you are wrong or anything, this is more for understanding n whatnot)

 

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

While I don't have the alphabet soup lot of diagnoses which your professions are talking about,  I do know a bit about antidepressants.  They make me feel "like a person again" - I can function and not want to cry all the time.   I was great for years and weaned off them a while back and thought I was OK, but I then I stopped sleeping too and my world just fell apart again.  Sleeping tablets are great to get your sleep patterns back on track.  And being back on anti depressants is so much better for my headspace.    In your case, the ADHD may well benefit from Ritalin

I do understand you not wanting to take meds, but if you don't take them and things get worse for you, you may end up back in a psych ward and involuntarily medicated.  Take control of this while it's in your own hands.  Have some say in what you're taking and when. 

You make a good point, especially there at the end. I just worry about how I could get it prescribed now that I am no longer connected with a mental health professional and my mom really wants me to avoid medication for the most part (she did, however, bring up today the idea of me starting Zoloft since she noticed me sort of spiraling lately as she put it). I think that Ritalin would be off the table with her given she believes I should learn to manage it (which I kinda agree with, it might not work for everyone but I think that if that diagnosis was something then it is something manageable for me). I think the main concern with medication like this stems from my mom having been highly dependent on an antidepressant for a large portion of my early childhood which has caused for an amount of distrust surrounding the subject as a whole.

[2500]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Perhaps you should have, though. 

I understand your reluctance to accept what she had told you, and I am not saying she was entirely right, but maybe you should not have been so quick to dismiss everything she was saying, either. You are talking about someone with years of professional experience who was trying to help you. Writing it all off isn't necessarily to your benefit. It seems you don't want any diagnoses when in  fact a proper diagnosis and treatment plan may be what helps you the most. 

It may be. I’m pretty resistant to what she had to say given the sheer volume of labels that I felts weren’t thoroughly explained and were of relatively major scale in terms of how much they were to effect my life. I agree that I should be more considerate of her level of expertise, I believe I had just been off put by her general approach to counseling given I had felt I wasn’t given much time to privately speak with her. Plus, it’s I think somewhat hard to accept some of the things she threw out with what seemed like such little reason. Idk what I’m supposed to make if it

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, 2500 said:

No, I haven’t. I really don’t want to complicate things with her and honestly I don’t know if I could handle my parents knowing which they would have to if it were to be reported. As far as her history with this sort of thing, so long as there is another incident I was not told of, what happened has already been addressed by the proper authorities and she currently lives at a foster home. 
also, does this really warrant all that? I feel like it’s not bad enough to earn the label of a sex crime. (Not to assume you are wrong or anything, this is more for understanding n whatnot)

It was sexual coercion, which is considered to be rape under many jurisdictions.  Granted, it was rape by a minor, but still rape.   And her foster parents need to know about her behaviour so they can get her into therapy.  Do you have any evidence such as emails or messages on your phone?

15 minutes ago, 2500 said:

You make a good point, especially there at the end. I just worry about how I could get it prescribed now that I am no longer connected with a mental health professional and my mom really wants me to avoid medication for the most part (she did, however, bring up today the idea of me starting Zoloft since she noticed me sort of spiraling lately as she put it). I think that Ritalin would be off the table with her given she believes I should learn to manage it (which I kinda agree with, it might not work for everyone but I think that if that diagnosis was something then it is something manageable for me). I think the main concern with medication like this stems from my mom having been highly dependent on an antidepressant for a large portion of my early childhood which has caused for an amount of distrust surrounding the subject as a whole.

I can't give you specific advice on meds because I'm not a doctor.   But you need to go back to your psychiatrist and ask them these questions.  If you're comfortable, have your mother there with you so she can ask questions about the meds and learn what she needs to support you.   Please don't worry about having walked away previously - this would not be uncommon in their line of work!

I can tell you that not all antidepressants work for everyone.  You may need to try a couple before you find the right fit.  I've had one which didn't work, and one which did.  I would imagine the Psych would prescribe them one at a time so that if something isn't working you can pinpoint what it is.  

Edited June 10 by basil67