Boyfriend (47m) of 10 years keen on a younger woman

[Idkwhattodo]

My bf of 10 years is 47yo and I am 52yo. We live apart to make it easier on our kids. We just came back from a month vacation with friends. The moment we left he was enamoured by our friends 30yo daughter. Actively engaging her and connecting on common topics like music. He did not have the same energy for me nor our other female friends.. She was flirting with him the first night and he was drunk and occupied with friends, yet did not shut her down. I told him the next day it upsets me and to stop. He agreed and showed effort for one day. Then told me he doesn’t want to be rude to her and told me he loves me and to stop feeing that way. Then he began criticizing her to me to make me feel comfortable (I believe). When we returned home,  I saw texts between them. She initiated and he added emojis to some posts she shared with him. He also initiated a message telling her he heard a song by a band she liked.  He had not been himself with me since coming home - not as affectionate and does not connect with me like before. He would always call or text before bed and hasn’t now. Just a good morning text. He doesn’t suggest getting together and I have had to. He agreed to one night saying he should be home from work. I waited for him to tell me he was home but he ghosted me. Tonight he asked me to stay over. I dressed up with cowboy hat and nice dress. He asked if I was going to see Luke Combs and that this 30yo seeing him because he saw her Facebook post (where she’s wearing a sexing outfit with cowboy boots). I dismissed it and we caught up and he seemed engaged. but he lost steam and wasn’t. I saw texts between them from Monday and Tuesday. She is a Harry Potter fan and he decided to watch the movies to see the fuss. I saw texts tonight of them chatting about it. I am so upset right now. He did this to me two other times in the last three years. He was enamoured by a young woman in our cottage area. One night at the local bar where she was working, he spent time chatting with her and his face was lit up. She too have a country western dress on. I knew he liked her.  He ignored me and wasn’t engaged with me when I went to say hi. I called him out and I broke up with him. He immediately went into save the relationship mode. A year later we were at a bar and he was chatting another young woman up while I was talking to friends. I am so hurt. He says he loves me but I think I’m just his comfort. He makes plans to golf with friends and works long hours but won’t make plans just with me. It’s always plans with friends. What should I do?  

Edited 1 hour ago by Idkwhattodo
Typos and some clarifying information

[Sanch62]

I don’t like the word ‘should’, I can only speak of what I would do. I’d give him the permanent heave-ho.

I don’t believe in using break ups as warnings to straighten up and fly right. That only positions a partner to get better at hiding their behavior for a time, even while it would set me up for a future of suspicion and waiting for the next shoe to drop. That’s no way to live.

I’d make this less about him and more about me and my own vision of my future. I either want to find a great and loyal lover, or I want a peaceful focus on the people and interests that bring loving joy to my life. Trying to hang onto a disrespectful man at all costs is not that.

Either someone is all in, or I wish him well but he can take a hike—with whoever else he chooses.

Head high, and challenge yourself and your resilience to minimize this dude’s importance while you maximize your own. You have too many years ahead to settle for anyone who brings you misery.

[ExpatInItaly]

His latest crush is the symptom of a bigger problem. 

It sounds as though you two have really drifted apart over the last couple years. If he is, as you say, often making plans with his friends but not really with you,  it's a pretty clear indicator that his interest in the relationship has faded. At the same time, you two just came back from a month-long holiday with friends ; whose idea was that and who planned it? He also asked you to stay over, so I see he is still asking to see you. Can you clarify what you mean when you say he doesn't make plans? 

1 hour ago, Idkwhattodo said:

When we returned home,  I saw texts between them. She initiated and he added emojis to some posts she shared with him. He also initiated a message telling her he heard a song by a band she liked.

1 hour ago, Idkwhattodo said:

I saw texts between them from Monday and Tuesday. She is a Harry Potter fan and he decided to watch the movies to see the fuss. I saw texts tonight of them chatting about it.

To be fair, I certainly find some of his behaviour concerning- the above included. He knew his interactions with her bothered you but it seems they have carried on anyway. How did you come to see these all these messages? 

1 hour ago, Idkwhattodo said:

I dismissed it and we caught up and he seemed engaged. but he lost steam and wasn’t.

What do you mean by this? How did he lose steam - you two just stopped chatting or he went to bed, or? 

And finally, how is your intimacy with him? I am going to guess that has faded too, but I will let you fill in the gaps. It helps to paint a better overall picture of what's been going on.