Boyfriend (47m) of 10 years keen on a younger woman

[Idkwhattodo]

My bf of 10 years is 47yo and I am 52yo. We live apart to make it easier on our kids. We just came back from a month vacation with friends. The moment we left he was enamoured by our friends 30yo daughter. Actively engaging her and connecting on common topics like music. He did not have the same energy for me nor our other female friends.. She was flirting with him the first night and he was drunk and occupied with friends, yet did not shut her down. I told him the next day it upsets me and to stop. He agreed and showed effort for one day. Then told me he doesn’t want to be rude to her and told me he loves me and to stop feeing that way. Then he began criticizing her to me to make me feel comfortable (I believe). When we returned home,  I saw texts between them. She initiated and he added emojis to some posts she shared with him. He also initiated a message telling her he heard a song by a band she liked.  He had not been himself with me since coming home - not as affectionate and does not connect with me like before. He would always call or text before bed and hasn’t now. Just a good morning text. He doesn’t suggest getting together and I have had to. He agreed to one night saying he should be home from work. I waited for him to tell me he was home but he ghosted me. Tonight he asked me to stay over. I dressed up with cowboy hat and nice dress. He asked if I was going to see Luke Combs and that this 30yo seeing him because he saw her Facebook post (where she’s wearing a sexing outfit with cowboy boots). I dismissed it and we caught up and he seemed engaged. but he lost steam and wasn’t. I saw texts between them from Monday and Tuesday. She is a Harry Potter fan and he decided to watch the movies to see the fuss. I saw texts tonight of them chatting about it. I am so upset right now. He did this to me two other times in the last three years. He was enamoured by a young woman in our cottage area. One night at the local bar where she was working, he spent time chatting with her and his face was lit up. She too have a country western dress on. I knew he liked her.  He ignored me and wasn’t engaged with me when I went to say hi. I called him out and I broke up with him. He immediately went into save the relationship mode. A year later we were at a bar and he was chatting another young woman up while I was talking to friends. I am so hurt. He says he loves me but I think I’m just his comfort. He makes plans to golf with friends and works long hours but won’t make plans just with me. It’s always plans with friends. What should I do?  

Edited June 7 by Idkwhattodo
Typos and some clarifying information

[Sanch62]

I don’t like the word ‘should’, I can only speak of what I would do. I’d give him the permanent heave-ho.

I don’t believe in using break ups as warnings to straighten up and fly right. That only positions a partner to get better at hiding their behavior for a time, even while it would set me up for a future of suspicion and waiting for the next shoe to drop. That’s no way to live.

I’d make this less about him and more about me and my own vision of my future. I either want to find a great and loyal lover, or I want a peaceful focus on the people and interests that bring loving joy to my life. Trying to hang onto a disrespectful man at all costs is not that.

Either someone is all in, or I wish him well but he can take a hike—with whoever else he chooses.

Head high, and challenge yourself and your resilience to minimize this dude’s importance while you maximize your own. You have too many years ahead to settle for anyone who brings you misery.

[ExpatInItaly]

His latest crush is the symptom of a bigger problem. 

It sounds as though you two have really drifted apart over the last couple years. If he is, as you say, often making plans with his friends but not really with you,  it's a pretty clear indicator that his interest in the relationship has faded. At the same time, you two just came back from a month-long holiday with friends ; whose idea was that and who planned it? He also asked you to stay over, so I see he is still asking to see you. Can you clarify what you mean when you say he doesn't make plans? 

1 hour ago, Idkwhattodo said:

When we returned home,  I saw texts between them. She initiated and he added emojis to some posts she shared with him. He also initiated a message telling her he heard a song by a band she liked.

1 hour ago, Idkwhattodo said:

I saw texts between them from Monday and Tuesday. She is a Harry Potter fan and he decided to watch the movies to see the fuss. I saw texts tonight of them chatting about it.

To be fair, I certainly find some of his behaviour concerning- the above included. He knew his interactions with her bothered you but it seems they have carried on anyway. How did you come to see these all these messages? 

1 hour ago, Idkwhattodo said:

I dismissed it and we caught up and he seemed engaged. but he lost steam and wasn’t.

What do you mean by this? How did he lose steam - you two just stopped chatting or he went to bed, or? 

And finally, how is your intimacy with him? I am going to guess that has faded too, but I will let you fill in the gaps. It helps to paint a better overall picture of what's been going on. 

[Idkwhattodo]

14 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

I don’t like the word ‘should’, I can only speak of what I would do. I’d give him the permanent heave-ho.

I don’t believe in using break ups as warnings to straighten up and fly right. That only positions a partner to get better at hiding their behavior for a time, even while it would set me up for a future of suspicion and waiting for the next shoe to drop. That’s no way to live.

I’d make this less about him and more about me and my own vision of my future. I either want to find a great and loyal lover, or I want a peaceful focus on the people and interests that bring loving joy to my life. Trying to hang onto a disrespectful man at all costs is not that.

Either someone is all in, or I wish him well but he can take a hike—with whoever else he chooses.

Head high, and challenge yourself and your resilience to minimize this dude’s importance while you maximize your own. You have too many years ahead to settle for anyone who brings you misery.

Definitely no way to live.  I am on an emotional rollercoaster.  He is loving and tender when we are in bed together and at least once a week he is so happy when I'm just hanging out with him. He loves me through service -- changes tires, fixes things around my house, helps my family (mom, children).  He won't get me gifts unless its special occasion and then its a practical gift unless I tell him.  He is so insecure and tries hard to be a man's man that he won't do much of anything overtly romantic. He claims he has no money to spend on me, yet he spends money on things he wants like expensive tools and golf. Every time I see him, he greets me with a kiss and hug and tells me he loves me before bed, cuddles at night and in the morning. He is a different person almost at other times.  He will get in these bad moods and not be fun to be around, or he will be distracted, distant and cold with me. Now add this other woman he's chatting up. Plus with his work's busy season and golf, he's not initiating getting together and lazy when I suggest it. He used to ask me over the day before and check in the next day to ask me what time i'd be over.  So he always planned ahead.  Then he got his daughter fulltime so I would go there. Pre-trip,instead of him inviting me over on specific days, I started telling him the day before my plans to go over.  The day of, I would check in with him to make sure he would be home but he would usually call me to check in. One night soon before the trip, we agreed the day before we'd get together and he never called me. At 11pm(very late), I called him but he hung up.  I called back and he was drunk and had been sleeping. Told me some excuse that he was out with his friends. Since its busy season for him, and this ghosting incident, I will no longer put myself out there.  He needs to invite me so I know he won't ghost me and that he wants me there. 

 

That's it exactly, he is disrespectful and has been in other ways across the 10 years, including losing his patience and snapping at me when I'm helping with direction or asking about something I forgot.  I honestly don't know why I stay. He offers me little. 

[Idkwhattodo]

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

His latest crush is the symptom of a bigger problem. 

It sounds as though you two have really drifted apart over the last couple years. If he is, as you say, often making plans with his friends but not really with you,  it's a pretty clear indicator that his interest in the relationship has faded. At the same time, you two just came back from a month-long holiday with friends ; whose idea was that and who planned it? He also asked you to stay over, so I see he is still asking to see you. Can you clarify what you mean when you say he doesn't make plans? 

To be fair, I certainly find some of his behaviour concerning- the above included. He knew his interactions with her bothered you but it seems they have carried on anyway. How did you come to see these all these messages? 

What do you mean by this? How did he lose steam - you two just stopped chatting or he went to bed, or? 

And finally, how is your intimacy with him? I am going to guess that has faded too, but I will let you fill in the gaps. It helps to paint a better overall picture of what's been going on. 

Actually the weird thing is we got super close last year up until before this trip. Things were amazing.  I have no idea why he's not the same anymore. I think you are right, our relationship isn't shiny new, nor am I. He doesn't initiate plans with me and when I do, he is not enthusiastic and non-committal because he won't check in to let me know he's home for me to go over, and doesn't follow up if I don't. I won't hear from him at all until the next day.  I asked about getting together his past Friday night, he said yeah he should be home from work (not firm).  I hear nothing all day and night (no courtesy). At 10 pm I drove there to drop off my mom's house key because in the morning I said I would that night (he was opening her pool the next morning).  When I got there, he was home. I didn't go inside. I put the key under his front door mat and left. I texted him that the key was there and he was surprised I didn't go in to say hello. I said I thought he was busy or sleeping cause I didn't hear from him at all. 

 

I saw the messages when I had his phone. He gave me the password a long time ago. 

 

He lost steam in the sense that he was warm, happy to see me at the start of the visit and talked my ear off. Then he became quiet and started scrolling social media and would show me some funny reels. Then he was emotionally distant and cool but still a good host -- he built us a fire outside then made me a drink and popcorn for us.  He suggested we watch that movie that his "friend' likes. Idk if I'm overreacting or this other woman is making me hyper vigilant. 

 

We are regularly intimate and we have no issues with that at all.  He is loving, tender and attentive. He always initiates love making. On past trips he and I went on, this would be the same. But on some trips there is more of a wedge between us. This month-long holiday was one such trip.  He didn't initiate often and I felt he was more cold and distant with his affection and lack of conversation.  In the mornings, he did not kiss me no good morning or hug me. And sometimes not even a word to me. It may have been alcohol (he drank a lot), or me getting upset with him over that woman, or the time I told him off because he snapped at me for interfering with him setting the tv up, it may be trip stress.  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Idkwhattodo said:

I asked about getting together his past Friday night, he said yeah he should be home from work (not firm).  I hear nothing all day and night (no courtesy). At 10 pm I drove there to drop off my mom's house key because in the morning I said I would that night (he was opening her pool the next morning).  When I got there, he was home. I didn't go inside. I put the key under his front door mat and left. I texted him that the key was there and he was surprised I didn't go in to say hello. I said I thought he was busy or sleeping cause I didn't hear from him at all. 

 

This is all quite strange, yes. 

I think there is a quickly-growing emotional chasm between you two and you rightly sensing that something is off. He doesn't sound that interested anymore and coupled with the attention he is giving another woman, I would be very concerned. 

It is probably time to re-evaluate whether is a real future here. This relationship may well have run its course. 

[Idkwhattodo]

On 6/7/2026 at 7:15 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

This is all quite strange, yes. 

I think there is a quickly-growing emotional chasm between you two and you rightly sensing that something is off. He doesn't sound that interested anymore and coupled with the attention he is giving another woman, I would be very concerned. 

It is probably time to re-evaluate whether is a real future here. This relationship may well have run its course. 

Thanks for your thoughts. 

[basil67]

I've been on the other side of this.   

As a 19yo, I had a holiday romance with a guy who was 28yo and lived a 7 hour drive from me.   It was a fun time doing all the summer things (picnics, swimming, dancing, and loads of sex).  Then he started talking about continuing the relationship and I was shocked.  I thought that a guy who was that much older than me would have known that such the big age difference would mean that it was only ever a fling.  

The good news is that he moved on, got married and had children. 

[ShyViolet]

On 6/7/2026 at 5:05 PM, Idkwhattodo said:

I honestly don't know why I stay. He offers me little. 

It sounds like you already know the answer.  He has done this multiple times over the past few years and he's not going to change.  Now it's up to you to decide whether a relationship like this is something you want for yourself.  It really sounds like this relationship has run its course.

[smackie9]

IMO you gave him plenty of chances to redeem himself and change his ways....he has gaslit you, dismissed your concerns, etc. I know walking away will be difficult, but boy in the end you will feel sooooooo much better.