My situation

[Anonymous]

Okay so I 19F knew a guy (19M) from primary school. He's on a gap year I'm in uni Our families were friendly but we haven't seen each other in person since we were kids and we were never friends.

 

So when we were 17 our moms became friendly again and they tried to set us up I guess like his mom asked for my number and we texted a bit but it didn't go anyway no hard feelings yet I caught a crush on him.

 

A few months ago, I reached out again through my friends Instagram account. She set us up and he found out it was me and that I was too shy to speak to him so obviously he knew I had a crush. I don't use social media but my friend suggested I create an Instagram account so I did. We started talking properly. The conversation was warm and normal he even flirted a bit at first. but then after a few days he started leaving me on delivered and when i texted him once or twice he was friendly but didn't seem that into it. He eventually left me on delivered for a long time and lied about transferring phones. I took that as a clear sign that he wasn't interested. He then went silent for two months

 

Then he texted me out of the blue, asked about a trip he knew I was on, and we started talking again. I though he was just being friendly. This time he was warmer, he deliberately tried to make himself seem interested in stuff I aspired to do such as wanting to train for a marathon and when I asked which one he said whichever one your doing. cause your doing one righttt. which to me sounded a bit..forward. we started chatting again and he gave me his number cause he was deactivating insta and we texted on whatsapp for a couple of days and he was warmer than before and made future orientated comments. he then started leaving me on delivered again and took a long tome to reply. so I decided to just end the convo and he didnt try to revive it. its been weeks now.

 

My question is what's his deal. He knows I like him so if hes not interested why is he coming back giving me his number and fading again. is he just being friendly? If so why would he come back ?

[Gebidozo]

He is obviously not interested in you romantically.

He occasionally comes back because he is bored, or maybe because he does like you as a person, or because talking to a girl who likes him makes him feel good about himself, or because someone told him to keep backups around.

It can be any of the above reasons or any other. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want to date you, so you should move on and find someone who does.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Anonymous said:

My question is what's his deal. He knows I like him so if hes not interested why is he coming back giving me his number and fading again. is he just being friendly? If so why would he come back ?

He's not interested but, like many people, he enjoys the digital company and attention when it suits him. That's why you hear from him only sporadically.  He probably reaches out when other girls aren't talking to him or he's a little bored or some such thing. 

The bottom line is that he doesn't share your crush. It stings but it's going to be best for you to drop the idea of anything more happening here and not reach out to him again. If he gets in touch, I would keep it short and sweet but remind yourself that he's not going to stick around. 

[stillafool]

I agree he's not interested and just contacted you out of boredom and perhaps to feed his ego.  When a guy is interested, you don't have to question it, they make it obvious by being consistent in their pursuit of you.

[Anonymous]

On 6/4/2026 at 1:44 AM, Gebidozo said:

He is obviously not interested in you romantically.

He occasionally comes back because he is bored, or maybe because he does like you as a person, or because talking to a girl who likes him makes him feel good about himself, or because someone told him to keep backups around.

It can be any of the above reasons or any other. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want to date you, so you should move on and find someone who does.

I have a question. How would he know he doesn't like me if we texted so briefly and haven't met in perosn since we were kids. If he's not even curios enough to find out what does that say about me ?

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I have a question. How would he know he doesn't like me if we texted so briefly and haven't met in perosn since we were kids. If he's not even curios enough to find out what does that say about me ?

What? This says absolutely nothing about you.

It says he isn’t interested in you romantically. Which is the default state for everyone. By far most people are not interested in a majority of people.

Your question is strange. How would he know he doesn’t like you? He just doesn’t. It sometimes takes a long time to really like someone. It doesn’t take any time at all to not like someone. 

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I have a question. How would he know he doesn't like me if we texted so briefly and haven't met in perosn since we were kids. If he's not even curios enough to find out what does that say about me ?

Because if he was ever really attracted to you he would be jumping at the chance to see you again.  Maybe he already has a girl he's into or trying to get with now.  Did you send him a picture so he know what you look like now?  BTW it doesn't say anything about you.  Maybe he doesn't have the time or desire to reconnect.

Edited June 5 by stillafool

[Anonymous]

17 hours ago, stillafool said:

Because if he was ever really attracted to you he would be jumping at the chance to see you again.  Maybe he already has a girl he's into or trying to get with now.  Did you send him a picture so he know what you look like now?  BTW it doesn't say anything about you.  Maybe he doesn't have the time or desire to reconnect.

It's just like I said we were never friends as kids and hadn't seen each other for years so when I reached out to him again there was essentially nothing to be attarcted to more just like oh this girl who I was briefly set up with a year back has a crush on me. As for the picture when we were texting I updated my pfp to just a normal photo of me with a friend but he would ofc know which one is me as he knew me as an 11 year old. And secondly my face hasn't changed drastically since primary school if I'm being honest I'm just a normal average looking  girl with a few beautiful features nothing that would realistically make a guy go running for the hills. So my confusion is if hes only seen one photo of me and only texted me for a bit what about me is so off putting that he wouldn't even want to try. I mean I know he probably wasn't Hella attracted to my photo to the point where it was like oh despite having surface level text convos I'm gonna stick around anyway despite not having much else to go in but equally I think in my opinion it would be really really weird if he instantly lost interest based on one pfp where I look pleasent enough ?

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, Anonymous said:

So my confusion is if hes only seen one photo of me and only texted me for a bit what about me is so off putting that he wouldn't even want to try. I mean I know he probably wasn't Hella attracted to my photo to the point where it was like oh despite having surface level text convos I'm gonna stick around anyway despite not having much else to go in but equally I think in my opinion it would be really really weird if he instantly lost interest based on one pfp where I look pleasent enough ?

Since you were the one who had the crush on him and not the other way around or mutual, he was never smitten.  What would make him reach out is if he were lonely, without a girlfriend, or memories of how he felt about you in the past.  He's probably not without female company in his life so he sees no need to add another girl to his life.  He's just not interested in you.  I'm sorry.

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, Anonymous said:

it would be really really weird if he instantly lost interest based on one pfp where I look pleasent enough ?

He was never genuinely interested to begin with, though. That's the piece you are missing. 

20 hours ago, Anonymous said:

So my confusion is if hes only seen one photo of me and only texted me for a bit what about me is so off putting that he wouldn't even want to try

This is truly bizarre way to frame this. What is up with your self-esteem, girl? Most people who come into our lives don't catch our romantic interest. Why "try" when we are not feeling it, for whatever reason? You are making this guy from your childhood a measuring stick of your self-worth and ability to attract a man, which indicates you have a lot of work to do on yourself. 

[Anonymous]

On 6/7/2026 at 8:07 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

He was never genuinely interested to begin with, though. That's the piece you are missing. 

This is truly bizarre way to frame this. What is up with your self-esteem, girl? Most people who come into our lives don't catch our romantic interest. Why "try" when we are not feeling it, for whatever reason? You are making this guy from your childhood a measuring stick of your self-worth and ability to attract a man, which indicates you have a lot of work to do on yourself. 

Yes I know, before he even saw what I looked like we had only been texting for two days. 

[stillafool]

I'm surprised you're still thinking about a guy from so long ago.  Why?  What do you want from him, and have you been involved with other guys?

[Anonymous]

30 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm surprised you're still thinking about a guy from so long ago.  Why?  What do you want from him, and have you been involved with other guys?

I'm surprised too. I don't even know why I developed such strong feelings for someone I barely know. Bascalky idk , you see the thing is from when I was 11 to 18 I went to an all girls school so I didn't interact with guys at all really. I've only been out of high school for one year now and I do nursing at university which is a pretty female dominated course and not to mention my uni is pretty quiet it's not the typical uni life. So as you can imagine my interactions with guys has been ...limited I'd say. So to me ig when I met this guy briefly two years ago and I felt even a flicker of attarction idk I think I built up this whole idea of him in my head. 

[Alpacalia]

His behavior follows a pretty clear pattern, and while I can't read his mind, the pattern itself tells you something important: His actual actions show disinterest, regardless of what his initial flirtation suggested. He keeps coming back because it feels good to reach out to someone he knows likes him (it feels good to be liked).

You built him up in your head, and now you're invested in understanding why. But he's just... a guy who's been flaky and inconsistent. That's the deal. And that's enough reason to redirect your attention elsewhere.

You're 19, at university, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't spend emotional energy on someone giving you breadcrumbs. 

[Sanch62]

Great advice above. Also consider that the family relationship puts a weird weight on his choice of interaction with you. He wants to be polite without offending you, yet he may have the kind of social life and interests in playing the field that would not bode well for a romantic relationship. If he gets too close, he knows he could hurt you and blow up your family relations. That’s likely keeping him at arms length and is not a reflection on you, at all.

So the question is not why can’t he see my value, it’s how can someone who is not ready for a committed relationship with a lot on the line navigate away from expectations that would come along with any kind of pursuit beyond a family friendship?

[Anonymous]

On 6/15/2026 at 12:34 AM, Alpacalia said:

His behavior follows a pretty clear pattern, and while I can't read his mind, the pattern itself tells you something important: His actual actions show disinterest, regardless of what his initial flirtation suggested. He keeps coming back because it feels good to reach out to someone he knows likes him (it feels good to be liked).

You built him up in your head, and now you're invested in understanding why. But he's just... a guy who's been flaky and inconsistent. That's the deal. And that's enough reason to redirect your attention elsewhere.

You're 19, at university, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't spend emotional energy on someone giving you breadcrumbs. 

I know I keep going on about this, and I should have moved on and in trying to but I feel insecure about the whole thing. I keep wondering if my face was the problem and why it didn't work out. Ppl have told me I'm pretty ..but I wonder if they are being genuine cause this dude didn't even put his best foot forward. Even flaky guys at least try in the beginning. So I keep thinking oh is the only variable it must be my pfp 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't understand your thinking.

Do you really assume that every guy who meets you is going to automatically be interested in you? Are you interested in every guy you meet who happens to have a handsome face? 

Edited June 25 by ExpatInItaly

[Anonymous]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't understand your thinking.

Do you really assume that every guy who meets you is going to automatically be interested in you? Are you interested in every guy you meet who happens to have a handsome face? 

That's not what I meant I meant becusee he wasn't interested is it likely my face that's the problem 

[basil67]

56 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

That's not what I meant I meant becusee he wasn't interested is it likely my face that's the problem 

It's highly unlikely.   I wonder if you rule out all men who don't look like a model and are projecting

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

That's not what I meant I meant becusee he wasn't interested is it likely my face that's the problem 

It’s very unlikely. Being not interested in the default. Being interested in the exception, the special case. People don’t need to have a reason for not being interested. Having a pretty face is far from being a guarantee to evoke interest. Otherwise all men would be interested in all women who have beautiful faces.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Anonymous said:

That's not what I meant I meant becusee he wasn't interested is it likely my face that's the problem 

Are you that superficial? 

 

[Alpacalia]

On 6/25/2026 at 10:15 AM, Anonymous said:

I know I keep going on about this, and I should have moved on and in trying to but I feel insecure about the whole thing. I keep wondering if my face was the problem and why it didn't work out. Ppl have told me I'm pretty ..but I wonder if they are being genuine cause this dude didn't even put his best foot forward. Even flaky guys at least try in the beginning. So I keep thinking oh is the only variable it must be my pfp 

Your face isn't the problem. The real issue is that you're 19, a little isolated socially, and you latched onto the first flicker of something and built a whole story around it. That's completely human. But he was never the right measuring stick. Find confidence from the inside, not from whether a flaky guy from primary school texts back.

Why do you feel your face is the problem>>>>>Do you not like how you look?

You've mentioned that people tell you you're pretty, but you don't believe them. You've described yourself as "average" and then immediately walked that back. You're searching for a concrete reason why this didn't work out, and you keep landing on your appearance as the most likely culprit.

Dismissing compliments, assuming your looks are the issue, needing external validation to feel okay, that's not really about him at all. That's a relationship with yourself that was already shaky before he ever entered the picture.

Years in an all-girls school, limited experience with guys, a quiet university life. You haven't had many opportunities to just exist around men in a normal, low-stakes way. So when this one didn't respond the way you hoped, it hit harder than it should have, because there wasn't much else to balance it against.

No guy's interest or disinterest can tell you whether you're attractive or loveable. That's not how it works, and handing that power to someone who barely knows you is only going to keep hurting you.

So genuinely-----> how do you feel about how you look, setting him aside completely?

[juleitteee]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Your face isn't the problem. The real issue is that you're 19, a little isolated socially, and you latched onto the first flicker of something and built a whole story around it. That's completely human. But he was never the right measuring stick. Find confidence from the inside, not from whether a flaky guy from primary school texts back.

Why do you feel your face is the problem>>>>>Do you not like how you look?

You've mentioned that people tell you you're pretty, but you don't believe them. You've described yourself as "average" and then immediately walked that back. You're searching for a concrete reason why this didn't work out, and you keep landing on your appearance as the most likely culprit.

Dismissing compliments, assuming your looks are the issue, needing external validation to feel okay, that's not really about him at all. That's a relationship with yourself that was already shaky before he ever entered the picture.

Years in an all-girls school, limited experience with guys, a quiet university life. You haven't had many opportunities to just exist around men in a normal, low-stakes way. So when this one didn't respond the way you hoped, it hit harder than it should have, because there wasn't much else to balance it against.

No guy's interest or disinterest can tell you whether you're attractive or loveable. That's not how it works, and handing that power to someone who barely knows you is only going to keep hurting you.

So genuinely-----> how do you feel about how you look, setting him aside completely?

Thank you, I actually see your point and I definitely agree that's part of the reason. 

As for your other question, no I geuinly don't see myself as hard to look at, when I look in the mirror I just  see a normal  somewhat pretty girl. It's more the reason why I hyper fixated on my appreance as the main issue is that that was the only new variable he saw of me during when we were texting....I updated my pfp. It's not that he instantly ghosted me after seeing it nothing like that he still texted for a bit normally after but it's hard to say whether that would have happened anyways considering we barely texted before  it either or he saw it and thought absolutely not and only texted to look like he wasnt ghosting because of it.   

I mean like I said before in other replies, I know physical attraction is important I'm ngl but also it  would be unexpected if one tiny pfp made him lose all interest considering he had all that context for who I was and I look similar. 

To sum things up it was more how quickly it fizzled out that made me think that.  

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Your face isn't the problem. The real issue is that you're 19, a little isolated socially, and you latched onto the first flicker of something and built a whole story around it. That's completely human. But he was never the right measuring stick. Find confidence from the inside, not from whether a flaky guy from primary school texts back.

Why do you feel your face is the problem>>>>>Do you not like how you look?

You've mentioned that people tell you you're pretty, but you don't believe them. You've described yourself as "average" and then immediately walked that back. You're searching for a concrete reason why this didn't work out, and you keep landing on your appearance as the most likely culprit.

Dismissing compliments, assuming your looks are the issue, needing external validation to feel okay, that's not really about him at all. That's a relationship with yourself that was already shaky before he ever entered the picture.

Years in an all-girls school, limited experience with guys, a quiet university life. You haven't had many opportunities to just exist around men in a normal, low-stakes way. So when this one didn't respond the way you hoped, it hit harder than it should have, because there wasn't much else to balance it against.

No guy's interest or disinterest can tell you whether you're attractive or loveable. That's not how it works, and handing that power to someone who barely knows you is only going to keep hurting you.

So genuinely-----> how do you feel about how you look, setting him aside completely?

 

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, juleitteee said:

Thank you, I actually see your point and I definitely agree that's part of the reason. 

As for your other question, no I geuinly don't see myself as hard to look at, when I look in the mirror I just  see a normal  somewhat pretty girl. It's more the reason why I hyper fixated on my appreance as the main issue is that that was the only new variable he saw of me during when we were texting....I updated my pfp. It's not that he instantly ghosted me after seeing it nothing like that he still texted for a bit normally after but it's hard to say whether that would have happened anyways considering we barely texted before  it either or he saw it and thought absolutely not and only texted to look like he wasnt ghosting because of it.   

I mean like I said before in other replies, I know physical attraction is important I'm ngl but also it  would be unexpected if one tiny pfp made him lose all interest considering he had all that context for who I was and I look similar. 

To sum things up it was more how quickly it fizzled out that made me think that.  

 

You're welcome. I know it can take a hit to our ego when someone we've built up in our minds doesn't respond the way we hoped....especially when there's so little actual history there to explain it. The brain loves to fill in the gaps, and "maybe it was my photo" feels like a neater explanation than "sometimes people just don't click, and that's genuinely not about you."

Hey maybe next time, try this:

 

 

[Sanch62]

You’re dismissing the most obvious. Your parents have a close, longstanding relationship with his. If he mentioned a whiff of being in touch and possibly asking you out, he may have received a warning from the people who know him best. If he’s been playing the field, and he’s not done with that, then messing with you is off limits. Otherwise, such a path would result in an ending that hurts you, and that can harm his family’s friendship with yours.

You’re overlooking the high stakes there by engaging a fantasy that his friendship would somehow lead to a forever romance, happily ever after. But he’s likely too young for that, and leading you on, only to end up ‘splaining that it’s the wrong stage of life for him would be a foolish move.

If you opt to make that about your looks, that’s a disservice to yourself and likely not even accurate. There’s a larger picture here, and it would be wise to consider that and avoid romanticizing it.