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[35f] [37m] Underwhelming proposal but it wasn't really my fiancé's fault - how do I deal with this? 

Anonymous

By Anonymous
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Anonymous

Anonymous

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My fiancé had previously told me he'd been wanting to propose for the last 6 months but wanted us to be in a slightly better place. It's been a pretty tough year, a lot of bickering but we'd finally gotten through it. We've been together 1.5 years.

He'd asked for my dad's blessing a few weeks ago, and got a ring. I wanted it all to be a surprise... which it was. Whilst we live together, I'd gone home to visit my parents for a week but my fiancé told me I'd need to be back by the Thursday (last week). I knew that we were going on holiday in a couple of weeks (mid June) so I actually thought the proposal might happen then.

I ended up being pretty rushed coming back from home, not knowing what to pack - ended up taking the wrong things as the weather forecast was off. We went to a place roughly 5 hours away. The first day the weather was lovely, we did a bit of sightseeing and had a great time. We were staying in a different hotel to the following two nights. I had a feeling he'd propose the following day as he said we'd have a chilled night, then had a lot going on the next day.

Unfortunately we got in to a bit of a squabble just before we were going to go to bed. He left the room for 5 mins just to cool down, when he came back I got annoyed that he felt the need to leave. I cried a fair bit (PMS), and as I was getting out of the bathroom he said 'do you actually want to marry me?'. I told him I wanted nothing more in the world than that, and he said perhaps this was how the proposal was meant to pan out. He got down on one knee in the hotel room, I cried, said yes, and he put the ring on.

In hindsight, if I'd have known I'd be feeling this way right now I would've shut it down and told him we'd go to bed and have a good day the next day. However, it was still a nice moment and we went on to celebrate after. The following day we checked out and went to a far more luxurious and romantic hotel... we had a suite overlooking the lake. The grounds were stunning, and I then became aware that he would've proposed there. There were acres of land and a nice trail that we explored the following day which would've been the perfect spot. He had booked a boat ride and a tasting menu at a phenomenal restaurant so we got to celebrate properly.

The main issue is that the proposal event didn't quite go to plan and it's bugging me. He has told me that, if anything, it should be a lesson that none of that matters that much - me and him matter the most, and that we still had those moments but it wasn't manufactured for a photo. He is happy we got to experience all of that together and he's told me we can go somewhere else when I get my final ring.

I suppose because I'd built it up in my head especially over the last couple of months, and there aren't really any beautiful photos, and I'm embarrassed... it feels like a missed opportunity. He'd put so much thought into the weekend and I wanted a beautiful lasting memory. I can't wait to marry this guy. I just want to know how I can stop feeling so miffed, especially since this will sit with me in future when I hear about other proposal stories... what can I do to get over this?

tl;dr proposal wasn't as romantic/ scenic as hoped, especially considering the wait. My fiancé is fine with it but it's grating on me. Not sure how to deal with this feeling

Gebidozo Established Member

Gebidozo

Posted
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I can only say that if I knew that my fiancée was miffed because I proposed in a hotel room instead of a trail and even compared my proposal unfavorably with some other proposals, I’d cancel the engagement.

 

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Anonymous

Anonymous

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Posted
16 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I can only say that if I knew that my fiancée was miffed because I proposed in a hotel room instead of a trail and even compared my proposal unfavorably with some other proposals, I’d cancel the engagement.

 

There was nothing special about the hotel, nothing personal to us. Whereas the views from the hotel trail would've been absolutely stunning and I know it would have been more emotional for both of us. I want to look back on it as a fond memory, not something that happened after an argument

Sanch62 Established Member

Sanch62

Posted
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Decide how much of a Cinderella fantasy your real actual life 'must' stand up to.

That's how much you can opt to crap all over your own parade.

Congrats on your engagement!

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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You two are not ready to get married. Your relationship is not strong enough to sustain it, OP. 

You are worried about the wrong things here. How the proposal happened is beside the point when you've only been together 1.5 years and already needed to get to a better place and have had a tough year. 

Zoom out. You currently can't see the forest for the trees. 

 

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Acacia98 Established Member

Acacia98

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, Anonymous said:

There was nothing special about the hotel, nothing personal to us. Whereas the views from the hotel trail would've been absolutely stunning and I know it would have been more emotional for both of us. I want to look back on it as a fond memory, not something that happened after an argument

Since it mattered that much to you, you should have asked him to do the proposal again on the trail. Or you should have proposed to him on the trail. Or you should have made a commitment to each other on the trail. The possibilities are endless.

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Gebidozo Established Member

Gebidozo

Posted
Posted
13 hours ago, Anonymous said:

There was nothing special about the hotel, nothing personal to us. Whereas the views from the hotel trail would've been absolutely stunning and I know it would have been more emotional for both of us. I want to look back on it as a fond memory, not something that happened after an argument

I don’t know what to tell you. If I were you I’d be happy he didn’t cancel the engagement altogether, knowing that you are actually disappointed because it happened in one location and not another.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I think that all the bickering is a much greater issue than the fact the proposal wasn't perfect. 

Don't say anything about the proposal.  Marriage contains a LOT of compromise, so make this the start of learning to compromise.   Or, if you feel that you already compromise too much, then this goes back to the two of you not being ready/suitable for marriage.

Edit to add: one of my favourite ever memories of us was a date when EVERYTHING went wrong at the venue.  It was so bad it was good.  Learn to laugh at things which go wrong.  In time you can look back and laugh about the funny proposal

Edited by basil67
Anonymous

Anonymous

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Since it mattered that much to you, you should have asked him to do the proposal again on the trail. Or you should have proposed to him on the trail. Or you should have made a commitment to each other on the trail. The possibilities are endless.

I did say that at the time, but I think it would've felt pretty forced. He has told me we'd be going abroad once I get the final ring, so I suppose we can have a moment there

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

He's going to have a hard time pleasing you in this marriage.

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Anonymous

Anonymous

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19 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He's going to have a hard time pleasing you in this marriage.

Why is this? It's not about me being pleased. I actually feel really really guilty too, since he took the time to meet my dad and did it all as a surprise yet I still fluffed it.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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What is the source of all the bickering that had been taking place and why was this last year rough? 

On 6/3/2026 at 3:55 PM, Anonymous said:

Unfortunately we got in to a bit of a squabble just before we were going to go to bed

About what? 

On 6/3/2026 at 3:55 PM, Anonymous said:

I cried a fair bit (PMS)

How often are you in tears? 

 

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ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

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If it's been a "tough year" in the relationship that's only 1.5 years long, with a lot of bickering, I'm not sure why you would think it's a good idea to be getting engaged.  Your relationship doesn't sound strong.  And it's ridiculous that you are fixating on something so superficial.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I did say that at the time, but I think it would've felt pretty forced. He has told me we'd be going abroad once I get the final ring, so I suppose we can have a moment there

Does he know that you expect a whole production?

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Els Established Member

Els

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Posted

There's a lot of pressure on the proposal in modern culture, so it's understandable that you feel disappointed that it didn't turn out the way you hoped for, when it's been hyped up so much as the "one moment".

But if you think about it, that's not what life is and it's not what marriage is. It's okay to be disappointed for a little while, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. You can have a second "put the ring on event" or whatever you two decide will be enjoyable - there are no rules except that which you make. 

Is the arguing a frequent theme in your relationship, or is it just an occasional bicker?

Sanch62 Established Member

Sanch62

Posted
Posted
23 minutes ago, Els said:

Is the arguing a frequent theme in your relationship, or is it just an occasional bicker?

This is a key question, because if you’re in the habit of manufacturing drama in the negative, this incident can teach you how that can rip you off of any organic drama in the positive that could have otherwise occurred.

If you’ve assigned your partner a role of therapist or emotional punching bag to spar with in a quest for attention, then that’s going to interfere with healthy negotiation, and it can sabotage the good times you could be enjoying instead.

Consider working with a counselor, coach, or therapist to manage stress and any impulsive stuff that’s on you to learn how to handle rather than putting that on your fiancée. This doesn’t mean you can’t confide in him and manage issues together. You may just need to learn healthy ways to do that without expecting him to resolve emotional stuff that’s outside his scope.

Meanwhile, consider ways to adopt gratitude for the man who has been through tough times with you and still wants to marry you. Commit to learning how to become the best possible partners for one another, and find the silver lining in this busted bubble that has called you forward to straighten up and fly right.

This disappointment was a gift if you use it properly. Head high.

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Acacia98 Established Member

Acacia98

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 6/4/2026 at 10:03 AM, Anonymous said:

I did say that at the time, but I think it would've felt pretty forced. He has told me we'd be going abroad once I get the final ring, so I suppose we can have a moment there

The proposal you anticipated having if everything went right already sounded like a pre-arranged performance to me. So I don't see much difference there. The only truly "unforced" proposal I can imagine is one in which he proposes to you out of the blue, totally unexpected.

Anyway, if there's still going to be a final ring and another performed moment, why don't you just wait for it to happen? And why don't you spend this time addressing the more fundamental relationship problems you seem to have?

Edited by Acacia98
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