9 year relationship: I’ve been financially supporting my boyfriend and I’m burnt out

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years. We got together when I was 21 and he was 20, and I’m 30 now.

For context: I’ve been paying almost all of our bills for years. Rent, utilities, phone bill, groceries, household stuff — basically everything. About 1-2 years ago he quit his job even after I told him how much pressure it would put on me and how negatively it would affect our relationship. Since then he’s mostly done gig work here and there, but it’s inconsistent and nowhere near enough to truly help carry the household financially.

The issue is I feel completely burnt out and resentful now. I’ve basically been carrying two adults financially for almost 4 years and it has taken a huge toll on my mental health. I feel like I’ve lost every soft/feminine part of myself because I’m constantly stressed, budgeting, surviving, and trying to make sure everything stays afloat.

Meanwhile he still wants sex constantly, affection, quality time, etc., and honestly I’m mentally exhausted and irritated most of the time now. We argue a lot because I feel like I’m sacrificing my own life and happiness while he’s comfortable existing like this.

I also feel like I’ve spent years shrinking my life because he can’t afford things. I’ve skipped trips, experiences, and opportunities because I’d feel guilty going without him. Now I’m at a point where I want more for myself and I want to actually live my life.

Part of me feels terrible because we’ve been together so long, but another part of me feels like he’s only still here because he has nowhere else to go. 

Men: if you were in his position, how would you honestly view this situation? Is this something that can realistically come back from after years of resentment, or does this sound like a relationship that’s already emotionally over?

Ladies: Have you ever loved someone deeply but realized the life you were building with them was making you unhappy? What did you do?

[Sony12]

Never ever allow someone to become a mooch. It's not a relationship at that point. It's them taking advantage of a vulnerable individual which is something a lot of people will do if you allow them to do so.

You need to end things with him immediately. Cut him out of your life cold turkey. No contact at all. 

You aren't in a relationship at this point. You are a target that someone is using.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

Men: if you were in his position, how would you honestly view this situation? Is this something that can realistically come back from after years of resentment, or does this sound like a relationship that’s already emotionally over?

I was in his position about 20 years ago, when I was fired from one job and struggled to get another one in a foreign country. My then-girlfriend (now ex wife) supported us for about 1 year. Then I found a job and supported her financially.

As a rule, men tend to feel very uncomfortable when they are jobless and can’t contribute financially at all. I find it very strange that your boyfriend has been fine with that for almost 4 years (!).

Honestly, it feels like he’s just cruising along for convenience. I don’t think you should stay with someone who makes you feel exhausted and unhappy like that.

 

[Sony12]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I was in his position about 20 years ago, when I was fired from one job and struggled to get another one in a foreign country. My then-girlfriend (now ex wife) supported us for about 1 year. Then I found a job and supported her financially.

As a rule, men tend to feel very uncomfortable when they are jobless and can’t contribute financially at all. I find it very strange that your boyfriend has been fine with that for almost 4 years (!).

Honestly, it feels like he’s just cruising along for convenience. I don’t think you should stay with someone who makes you feel exhausted and unhappy like that.

 

Not all men feel this way. There are some men who look for women who can easily be taken advantage of and will absolutely use them for financial reasons. A lot of men who meet women at rehab clinics will do this kind thing. They know that these women are vulnerable to addiction issues so they simply make themselves one of her addictions. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I’ve been paying almost all of our bills for years. Rent, utilities, phone bill, groceries, household stuff — basically everything

You said he quit his job a year or two ago. Why were paying for almost everything even before that? 

What is the reason he can't or won't find more stable work now, and what kind of work does he do? 

5 hours ago, Anonymous said:

About 1-2 years ago he quit his job even after I told him how much pressure it would put on me and how negatively it would affect our relationship.

And what was his response to ths? 

He seems to have gotten very comfortable freeloading and you seem to have enabled that for a long time. This won't get better until you stand up for yourself and draw a hard line in the sand. And yes, he may balk at that. If he does, then you know the situation is even worse than you thought, since most people would not be comfortable mooching off their partners like this. Who paid all his bills before? Mommy and daddy? 

[Sony12]

A lot of guys who do stuff like this just jump from one victim to the next. Just like some guys know the type of girl who will give them easy sex these guys know the type of girl who they can take advantage of financially.

[Anonymous]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You said he quit his job a year or two ago. Why were paying for almost everything even before that? 

What is the reason he can't or won't find more stable work now, and what kind of work does he do? 

And what was his response to ths? 

He seems to have gotten very comfortable freeloading and you seem to have enabled that for a long time. This won't get better until you stand up for yourself and draw a hard line in the sand. And yes, he may balk at that. If he does, then you know the situation is even worse than you thought, since most people would not be comfortable mooching off their partners like this. Who paid all his bills before? Mommy and daddy? 

Yes, I was paying for most things before he quit because even when he was working, he wasn't making enough to help cover the bills the way I needed. When he wanted to quit, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, but ultimately it was his decision.

He's told me he's been applying for jobs, but so far nothing has come through. The bigger issue for me is that the situation has continued for a long time without much improvement, and it's put a lot of pressure on me financially and emotionally.

I actually tried to have a calm conversation about all of this last night—finances, responsibilities, our future, and what our plan is moving forward—but it turned into a huge argument instead.

At this point, I am trying to stand up for myself because what we're doing isn't working for me anymore. I don't need perfection, but I do need progress and a plan. As for who paid his bills before, I believe his mom helped him quite a bit.

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

Yes, I was paying for most things before he quit because even when he was working, he wasn't making enough to help cover the bills the way I needed. When he wanted to quit, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, but ultimately it was his decision.

He's told me he's been applying for jobs, but so far nothing has come through. The bigger issue for me is that the situation has continued for a long time without much improvement, and it's put a lot of pressure on me financially and emotionally.

I actually tried to have a calm conversation about all of this last night—finances, responsibilities, our future, and what our plan is moving forward—but it turned into a huge argument instead.

At this point, I am trying to stand up for myself because what we're doing isn't working for me anymore. I don't need perfection, but I do need progress and a plan. As for who paid his bills before, I believe his mom helped him quite a bit.

You are the only one who can do anything about this. Giving you advice is only going to matter if you are willing to listen to advice. And I will just say right now you are being used. He isn't ever going to change. He will continue to take advantage of you as long as you let him and if you ever do get to the point where you kick him out of your life he will simply find some other girl who will be willing to do the exact same thing for him that you have been doing.

The ball is in your court. You know at this point what he is all about.

[Sanch62]

8 hours ago, Anonymous said:

As for who paid his bills before, I believe his mom helped him quite a bit.

I'd have him go live with his mom. He could reach out if he's ever on his feet and capable of carrying his own load and contributing toward a family. If I'm still available then we might meet to catch up. Otherwise, why waste my best fertility years on someone who won't partner up to run a household with me? Who 'needs' that?

Edited June 3 by Sanch62

[ShyViolet]

You should have never started financially supporting him in the first place.  A relationship is supposed to be an equal partnership, not one partner being a deadbeat freeloader and taking advantage of the other one.  Of course you are resentful, but it was a huge mistake on your part letting this happen.  It's not your job to financially support a grown man.  It's time for you to correct this mistake that you have made, and put an end to this.

[stillafool]

He has basically turned you into his mother and depends on you for his survival.  He could get some type of job, even if it's working at MacDonald's or Walmart.  I could never be attracted to a man who would use me like this one is doing you.  I find it difficult to believe that others in your life have not pointed out to you how you're being used.  I hope you wake up soon and not waste another 10 years of your life like this.