How is your life going after ending the affair?

[Helen77]

About 10 years ago I had an affair with a married man. He was my first true love. After a while, it became clear he only cared about having extra sex. It was difficult for me to break it off, because he kept persisting, but I succeeded after 3 years. I really loved him and fell into a depression after the break-up. I felt so heartbroken. I felt so stupid.

Almost 2 years after the break-up I met someone new. I didn't feel the same as I felt with the married man, but it felt good being with him. We got into a relationship. I never forgot the married man, or should I say what I felt for him, but that feeling got less present, a bit dormant. I didn't think that much about him anymore after about being 3 years into my new relationship. It took me almost 5 years to stop thinking that much about the married man. It took me at least 3 years to stop hurting that much. My boyfriend knew about this and tolerated it. He had a lot of patience with me. 

During that time I also went to therapy. I learned that I had to stop romanticizing the married man. I never knew how it would be to live with him in the 'real world'. He also has his flaws. I only knew him from the short times when we were together which were fun times. Although there were also a lot of painful times during the affair. It was a lot on and off again, very hard emotionally. The married man was someone who basically cared for his own needs, not mine.

I also learned that a comparison between him and my new boyfriend was not fair. I lived with my boyfriend and saw his flaws. The feeling for my boyfriend also changed after being together for some time. Less infatuated after a while like is normal in a long term relationship. I never got to this point with the married man. I was still in the infatuated fase with him when I ended things wondering what could have been. A very addictive feeling also because of the on and off dynamic of the affair which intensifies the longing. So different from the boyfriend-girlfriend dynamic. 

When I broke it off with the married man, I asked him to leave me alone. Most of the time, he did. He stopped calling, but kept sending me an annual text asking how I was doing. He assumed we were friends. I responded shortly without sharing much personal information of my life. I didn't block and still responded because I still felt something for him. Also the fact that after all these years he kept sending these messages gave me a feeling I was special to him. However last year he began to send more texts to which I replied sadly enough. Those dormant feelings came back again and I met with him. It felt great to be honest. It's a very addictive feeling I have for this man. What I did find a bit odd is that he really wanted to know how I liked the sex with my boyfriend and who was a better lover and had the bigger penis. The married man really needed validation, but maybe that's a guy thing, I don't know. I told everything to my boyfriend and we broke up after being together for almost 5 years. 

After some persisting of him, I kept seeing the married man after my break up. However nothing had changed. The married man still doesn't want to leave because of children and finances and probably some other reasons too. I may date and have sex with other men, even start a new relationship. He doesn't mind, although he would love to continue having sex with me. It's all about the sex for him and validating his ego while keeping his stable life with wife and children. Although I still love him very much, I don't want this kind of pain in my life anymore. I know he doesn't love me like I love him. I told him again I was done and to stop communication. He didn't mind at all and so far he has kept his word (no communication for several weeks now). I find it very hard to block him, I must say, because of my feelings. 

So I'm back at where I was about 7 years ago and I am wondering how other people survived the ending of an affair with such intense feelings. I assume it will take me again several years to stop feeling the pain I'm feeling now and that's on me. It was a stupid and selfish thing to do. But how did you get through it? What I find especially hard are those intense feelings. I have never felt this for anyone in my life and I don't know if this is something I need to persue when looking for a new 'normal' relationship. Not that I am looking by the way, but that damn intense feeling actually ruined my previous relationship. I never forgot the married man because of that feeling. Rationally I know perfectly that this man is only using me for sex and validation and doesn't love me. Rationally I know he will never be my boyfriend. Rationally I know I could never trust him. But I feel so much for him which makes me weak when I hear from him. 

How can you move on from this? I assume I will always have that feeling for him, but will this also mean I will be in pain for the rest of my life? Will this mean I will be single for the rest of my life? Or can you have a relationship with someone else although the feeling for that person is less intense? I would love to know how you are doing (months, years?) after the ending of your affair being the other man/woman. Maybe you have some encouraging words for me. Maybe life can get better after this.

Thanks in advance.

Edited yesterday at 02:48 PM by Helen77
typo

[BaileyB]

21 hours ago, Helen77 said:

I assume it will take me again several years to stop feeling the pain I'm feeling now

If this is what you think and feel, this is what will be…

However, if you make the decision to move forward, to not waste another moment of your life on a man who did not love you in return, that could also be your reality. 

You decide. You have only one life to live, and it’s short. Choose wisely. There is no more time to waste if you want to build a life that will bring you joy and happiness. 

Edited 5 hours ago by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

Let me ask you this first: what were your relationships like before this married man came into your life?

Had you had long-term relationships? How did they go?