Update to "Sudden and Unexpected Breakup"

[LauraXX]

I can't reopen my old thread, but I wanted to post an update. So ... my bf broke-up with me in April. The whole thing turned into the worst heartbreak of my life. In the past weeks we were in touch occasionally. Mostly him asking how I was doing, telling me that he missed me, but also confirming that he was still having doubts etc. At one point I told him, that I didn't want to close the door on talking, but that I couldn't do these casual catch-ups with him any longer. After that: Silence. But then, about a week ago, he started sending flirty messages after I reposted a picture on Instagram. "You look so beautiful.", "I miss you", etc. I replied: "Your behaviour is very confusing." And he replied "I confuse myself a lot too." So I suggested "What about having a proper conversation instead of confusing each other on social media?" He agreed and last night we finally met.

He said some things that made me hopeful: E.G. that he hadn't even planned on breaking-up with me that evening. That he was so shocked afterwards that he had to sit on the street for an hour to wrap his head around what had just happened. That he didn't even tell his friends / family about the break-up until a week ago, because he didn't want to talk about it. That he missed me so much etc. But SOME of the things he said also told me, that this relationship is really over: That he still has these doubts that keep popping up in his head. That he often feels like something was missing. When I said "We should probably both work on our communication skills" he said "Yes, but it's too late now."  I replied, that it might be better to really cut off all contact then. That his catch-up messages, his comments on my social media etc. were just giving me mixed signals and a clean cut might be better. And he agreed.

I then asked him if he could give me back the stuff I still have at his place. He lives right next to the restaurant where we met. So we walked over, he gave me the stuff, I said goodbye. But then he hugged me very tightly, whispered "please stay. please don't go." We started kissing (me crying at the same time ... it was a mess). And then we ended up in bed. Later that night I asked him : "So what does this mean, are we seeing each other again?" And he said that he would like that, but "what if I'm starting to have doubts again in a month or in a year?" And I said "We'll deal with it then." And then I went home.

I called my sister on the way home who has supported me through everything and she was quite mad with me. Said that he was gaslighting me. That this was the classic start of a toxic on-off-relationship where he gets what he wants without giving me clarity. And that I really shouldn't have done this. I kind of expected a message from him last night addressing what had just happened or at least asking if I got home okay. But nothing. Nothing this morning as well. And now I'm in this very heavy "doomsday mood". I'm suddenly convinced that I'm not going to hear from him again. That last night was a slip-up. But that he's going to give me the "no contact" that I asked for now. I feel very helpless. 

Edited yesterday at 08:56 AM by LauraXX
added paragraphs

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, LauraXX said:

That this was the classic start of a toxic on-off-relationship where he gets what he wants without giving me clarity. And that I really shouldn't have done this.

Your sister is absolutely right about all of it. 

4 hours ago, LauraXX said:

And then we ended up in bed. Later that night I asked him : "So what does this mean, are we seeing each other again?" And he said that he would like that, but "what if I'm starting to have doubts again in a month or in a year?" And I said "We'll deal with it then."

GIrl - what?? 

As I recall, you (like me) are not that young and naive. Surely you know someone will sleep with you with zero intention of it meaning anything more than getting some sexual gratification. No, it did not mean you were seeing each other again. And you'll deal with it then? My word, listen to yourself. You are going to be dealing with nothing but heartbreak when his doubts crop up again. Because they will , and you will come crashing down again. 

4 hours ago, LauraXX said:

He said some things that made me hopeful: E.G. that he hadn't even planned on breaking-up with me that evening. That he was so shocked afterwards that he had to sit on the street for an hour to wrap his head around what had just happened.

Oh, please. First of all, I call equine manure on his story about sitting on the street for an hour. He's full of caca but he clearly know what to say to tug on your heartstrings. 

Secondly, what about someone who will implusively break up with you like that makes you hopeful? It should be registering as a serious red flag. It means he doesn't think such big decisions through and acts on a whim with little thought about how it will hurt you. You should be running away for the furthest and highest hills from someoene who ends a relationship on a whim. You can expect more sudden pain if you aren't wise enough to stay away from this guy. 

I realize you are hurting and now that you haven't heard from him since having sex, it stings and you're feeling vulnerable. But, Laura, you have got to start looking out for yourself more. It is very clear now this relationship is not going to have a happy ending. Please don't make the mistake of being the architect of your own pain. 

[LauraXX]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Secondly, what about someone who will implusively break up with you like that makes you hopeful? It should be registering as a serious red flag. It means he doesn't think such big decisions through and acts on a whim with little thought about how it will hurt you. You should be running away for the furthest and highest hills from someoene who ends a relationship on a whim. You can expect more sudden pain if you aren't wise enough to stay away from this guy. 

I've dated my fair share of a**holes and I think I can detect them from miles away now. But I've been with this man for a year and I honestly think that he's a decent guy. Of course the way he ended the relationship is a red flag. No question. I didn't see it coming at all ... and I wonder if I'd ever be able to trust my gut feeling with him again. So yes, that is a huge risk. But then again ... he apologized for the way he handled the situation about 50 times. And I'm not exactly great at communicating my feelings either. So maybe this is something we could work on. Not sure if that's realistic though.

Btw: When I asked him "Does this mean we're back together" I wasn't talking about the sex. I'm not that stupid. We'd been lying in bed for two hours at that point and a lot of things were said that I can't even recall word by word now. A lot of "I missed you", "I missed this", "What are you doing next weekend? " etc. Enough for me to ask "Wait ... so are we back together now or what?" And last but not least: We did end up talking today. Nothing significant. Not the big "I'm so glad we're back together" that I probably hoped for. But at least "How are you? How are you feeling about last night?" etc. I replied "I'm a bit all over the place. But I feel good." And he said, that he felt the same. So... well. We'll see if all of this was a huge mistake. 

[ShyViolet]

17 hours ago, LauraXX said:

Later that night I asked him : "So what does this mean, are we seeing each other again?" And he said that he would like that, but "what if I'm starting to have doubts again in a month or in a year?" And I said "We'll deal with it then." And then I went home.

Why on earth would you consider being with someone who would say this?  Why are your standards so low?  This guy is still unsure about being with you.  He's playing with your emotions, and you are letting him.  Your sister is 100% right. 

He already dumped you once, now he pops up when he feels like it, and he's unsure about you.  He says that he might have doubts about you again.  That should really tell you all you need to know.  Find someone who wants to be with you and who makes you truly feel that.  Don't ever put your heart out there for someone who is so unsure about being with you.

 

[Gebidozo]

18 hours ago, LauraXX said:

I called my sister on the way home who has supported me through everything and she was quite mad with me. Said that he was gaslighting me. That this was the classic start of a toxic on-off-relationship where he gets what he wants without giving me clarity. And that I really shouldn't have done this.

Maybe you should listen to your sister.

I agree with every word she said.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, LauraXX said:

I honestly think that he's a decent guy.

Being decent is not enough. You need a guy who is 100% into you and 100% sure he wants to be with you. This guy isn’t.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, LauraXX said:

Not sure if that's realistic though.

It's not. He isn't going to stick around and it would be foolish to think he won't blindside you again. 

9 hours ago, LauraXX said:

We'll see if all of this was a huge mistake. 

It was. It's already obvious, but unfortunately your standards are low and you are willing to accept breadcrumbs. 

9 hours ago, LauraXX said:

I've dated my fair share of a**holes and I think I can detect them from miles away now.

Not to be harsh, but clearly you can't. A decent guy wouldn't try to flirt with you much less have sex with you knowing how you feel and how much his behaviour hurt you and confuses you. You have got a lot of work to do, Laura, and I would strongly suggest you take time off dating and get your self-worth sorted first. 

You are shooting yourself in the foot.