Is it possible to love more than one person?

[Anonymous]

We learn about ourselves every single day. I am with my wife for over ten years now. Of course, like all couples, we have our good times and we fight as well, but I do love my wife. We don’t have kids yet. 

 

Couple months back I got to know a woman from our partner’s company. At first it was only about work, slowly we just started talking about our lives, she knowing that I am married. She had the ability to calm me down about the stresses I had in life, and always to the point where no one has ever touched before. The more we talked surprised that we have so much in common, life background, likes and dislikes, and even values. At that time, I just thought she’s a great friend/coworker to have. Before we know it, we were talking every single day. Through the conversations, she has opened my mind to areas that I did not know I am capable of.  I would even consider her my “soul mate.”

 

The most surprising part is not that we have all these common stuff, but even the times we message each other, the same food we eat at different locations, and much more. I have never met anyone that is as close to my thoughts ever! Also contributes to reason why we kept talking beyond work. 

 

We have crossed the line. We both know it’s wrong. There are times when we argued out of jealousy, but we are so much alike that we listen and just resolve it. Often times it scares me how much she understands me, how much we are alike, how much chemistry we have (not just relationship-wise). We both have thought about ending it, but also finds this rarity to be almost impossible, therefore treasuring it. I really don’t know how to describe it.

When Im with my wife I still give her all. Thinking it through, the only reason that may contribute to this is my wife’s health condition, many of the things that we use to do to make us happy, we are not able to anymore. 

 

Even through this, I still love what I have with my wife and know what we have accomplished together. I know I should end it, no doubt. I don’t like cheating on my wife, yet letting this woman I know be a third person. 

 

But I guess I have a few questions:

 

Do you think a person can love more than one person?

 

Can man and woman be just good friends? Can we ever go back to only friends?

 

Can opposite sex soul mates only be partners? 

 

Anyone have similar experience they can share the results with?

 

Any questions I should be asking myself?

[ShySoul]

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Do you think a person can love more than one person?

Yes. Our hearts don't stop caring for people once we have a relationship. We can find ourselves growing attached to others, admiring and respecting them, having things in common and even falling in love. It's not necessarily wrong to love someone else. You can't control those feelings. What you do control is how much you act upon it.

 

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Can man and woman be just good friends? Can we ever go back to only friends?

I'm a man who has always had more female friends than male friends. Only a couple of those has ventured  beyond friend level. Of course men and women can be just good friends, even best friends. Once you've started something though, it gets trickier. It involves both sides accepting that it's only going to be friends and setting clear rules for acceptable and not acceptable behavior. It requires honesty and accountability. It means taking space if needed. You can go back to just friends, but it requires effort that many find difficult and are not emotionally ready to handle.

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Can opposite sex soul mates only be partners? 

Depends on how you view soul mates. I'm not even sure if there is only one soul mate in our lives. I think there can be people that come into our life for a short time and were a soul mate for that time, when we needed them. I think there can be soul mates that inspire us romantically and we spend our lives with. I think there can also be a soul mate that is just a friend who inspires us and pushes us to be our best self. Ideally the soul mate would be best friend and romantic partner, all in one. But life doesn't always follow such clean rules.

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Anyone have similar experience they can share the results with?

I knew a woman who was married. She loved her husband. He loved her. But there was a spark missing. She met someone else who filled that spark, identified with her in a way that she needed. They tried an open marriage, with communication between all parties and established guidelines on what lines not to cross. Eventually the open part of it faded and she stayed with her husband. All parties remained okay with each other.

It's possible for things to work out. It's possible to be friends and not cross into that kind of arrangement. But it isn't easy for all parties and usually ends up hurting people. Most people can't handle it and it really is wise to avoid getting involved with anyone else beyond being a friend.

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Any questions I should be asking myself?

What leaps out to me is your wife's health condition that you briefly stated. Is she sick? Something serious? That's often how something starts. One person feels stressed because they have to assist take care of their partner. They feel disconnected because they can't do the things the used to do together, don't have the same degree of connections because the partner is occupied with something else. So another person ends up being a source of comfort and a distraction. Feelings start to grow.

Be honest with yourself. Who did you pledge yourself to be with? Your wife. Take care of that relationship first. Rather or not you stay together, you owe it to the two of you to figure that out first. If you find you want to be with your wife, then you need to reconnect with her. If it doesn't work, then you'll have at least tried. If the other person is right instead, they will still be there afterwards. Otherwise, that's not meant to be.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Do you think a person can love more than one person?

I don't personally feel it is possible to truly love two people at the same time in the the romantic sense. My thoughts are that if you are in love with one person, you aren't going to have much space in your heart and mind to love another on the same level. That has never been the case for me, speaking from experience. Everyone is different, though. 

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Can man and woman be just good friends? Can we ever go back to only friends?

I am a woman with a couple dear male friends, and it has only ever been platonic. However, because you and this other woman have already crossed that line, I don't believe it's realistic to expect to go back to being just friends. There is too much water under that bridge and too many feelings involved. Also, it would be terribly unfair to your wife to keep this person in your life in any way. That is not true friendship. 

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I would even consider her my “soul mate.”

Keep in mind that you have only known her a few months, and have not had a real relationship with her. Sure, you seem to line up on many levels but you also haven't done real life together. You currently exist just in the bubble of an affair, in which you aren't navigating the demands daily life places on a relationship. It's easy to consider someone a "soul mate" when you don't know them that well and are only operating in the limited space offered by a secret affair. I would caution you against assuming she is a soul mate when you have only experienced a fraction of her (and she of you) 

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Anyone have similar experience they can share the results with?

I do know of one affair (both parties were in long-term marriages) that eventually transitioned into a real relatonship when they decided to be together. That was about 20 years ago now, and they are still together. However, a lot of damage was done along the way. Their respective children eventually found out how they met and it caused great strife for years, with much resentment from the children towards their unfaithful parents. Everyone is okay with each other now, but it left deep scars. 

The others I know who've had affairs didn't work out. A couple of them returned to their former partners, while two more fizzled once they tried to take the affair to a real relaitonship. One  person in particular could not let go of the knowledge that her partner (who'd left his fianceé for her) was capable of cheating and she eventually had to end it.  She'd become suspicious every time he missed her call or didn't respond to messages promptly, because she remembered all the sneaking around they had done when his former fianceé had been trying to reach him. She remembered him ignoring those calls and messages because he was with her, and she became consumed with the fear that he was up to old tricks every time he seemed quiet or unreachable. 

My point? Be very careful what you wish for. And really stop and think about the fall-out your wife will suffer if this ever comes to light. 

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

You may think what you have is special and unique, but it's not.  It's just another run-of-the-mill affair.

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Do you think a person can love more than one person?

Not romantically, no.

 

11 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Can man and woman be just good friends? Can we ever go back to only friends?

Men and women can be friends, but that’s not your case.

 

11 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Anyone have similar experience they can share the results with?

Such experiences always result in either of the following:

1) The man stops the affair and returns to the wife

2) The man leaves the wife for the affair partner.

In both cases, the relationship with the wife is irreparably damaged, rooted in deceit, or both.