My ex broke contact and now I’ve fallen in love again

[Yannis]

Here’s the full backstory in as much detail as I could remember

This is going to be a long one. I am venting a little here but I really need advice. I’m so stuck and I can’t even sleep. 

For context, me and my ex were together for 5 months and I stupidly broke up with her out of immaturity and lack of communication. Our relationship was great while it lasted and our parents also became good friends. This was all back from over a year ago, up until the very end of August where things broke apart. 

Ever since I broke up with her, our parents remained in contact and it slightly bothered me as I always felt like my parents were completely ignorant of how awkward I felt knowing I’ll eventually come into contact with her through my parents which really made me stay away. She has a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend up until about 2 weeks ago, the relationship ended for unrelated reasons, we had both lost interest. 

Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago, (me and my ex are friends on instagram) where she randomly texts me ‘hey just curious, are you coming tomorrow?’ This was so odd, me and her hadn’t talked in over 7 months. I had no clue that there was an arranged meet up and especially that she’d be coming. Her asking me if I was coming motivated me to say yes as I felt as if I needed to tie some loose ends off and clear some things up. I think that deep down I just wanted to see her again. We ended up texting a little and I cut the conversation short so we’d have more to talk about in person. 

So the next day we end up all going to her house as arranged (me, my mum, my dad,) to meet up with her and her 2 parents and little sister. We knock on the door and we exchange a smile. We swiftly take off after arriving and take a long walk down a nature path that would eventually lead to an old abandoned train station that has a cafe running right next to it. It’s a spot that me and my ex had actually gone to on one of our first dates. As we are walking through this nature path, conversation is lively but me and her have still not said a word and I had been mainly speaking with her mother just catching up. It was very weird to me as I haven’t spoken to her since the relationship. 

After the walk was over and we arrived at the cafe we all sat down. No words between me and her had been said but we ended up sitting opposite each other at the end of the table. We end up talking and wow conversation was flowing like crazy. It makes sense-if we were a good match back then why wouldn’t we now? It’s not like it’s been half a decade of distance between us. Our parents talked and kept busy, while me and my ex caught up. We talked and I felt a strong chemistry between me and her. At some point we were talking about hair and she asked me to ‘feel’ how soft her hair was. I was a little shocked by the comment as I found it very fast paced to be breaking the contact barrier with an ex who is slightly autistic too. From what I’ve gathered, she threw quite a few hints and flirts at me during the day but I stayed respectful, knowing she was taken and so was I at the time. 

Fast forward through the day and we had started heading back. Now at this point, me and her were far away from family so it was just us two walking back and I admitted my mistakes and asked for her forgiveness. She did the same and the vibe changed a lot after. Just a few minutes later, she ended up opening up to me about some very sensitive and personal topics. She also mentioned how she’s been getting into Daniel Caesar lately-who is my favourite artist- and how she can get tickets to go watch him in Manchester, but has no one to go with. No mention of me and her going just a comment she made.

Anyways, I’m moving on a little just so this isn’t a whole book. As we were leaving she gave me that distinct look she used to give me when we were together when I’d leave her house. She had that glare in her eyes and at that moment I was in complete shock emotionally. This whole day had really messed me up psychologically as it really threw me back to when we were together and it felt like we hadn’t actually ended the relationship. It was a horrible feeling as I didn’t know how to feel whatsoever. 

The next day she texts me first, just making small talk and eventually mentioning how me and her should go to the Daniel Caesar concert after the summer holidays. I didn’t give a solid answer as I was still confused about where we stood relationship wise and the fact that she had a boyfriend. I said that we should discuss in person. She tells me that she’d like to start seeing me more and that me and her should hang out 1 on 1. 

We end up arranging to meet again a week and a half later but with her parents and mine, at a pub that we had been to back when we were still in a relationship (her idea to go to this place). The whole time she was very tired and on her phone too texting her partner. We talked but it was very different to the first time. I asked her about going out 1 on 1 as she said but she declined and told me that we can go together but with out mums in addition instead. 

We all went back to mine just to have a beer and close off the night as we had already been hanging out all together for 3 hours. At mine, I asked her to come upstairs (no intention of anything sly) as I just wanted to show her around my room and how it’s changed. She saw my piano and we talked about how we used to play together and I asked her if she could play something. She said yes and played 2 songs. One was ‘who knows’ by Daniel Caesar. I’m starting to see a pattern of this guy now that I’m writing this . 

We head back downstairs and throughout the rest of the night I catch her occasionally glancing over to me and at some points we held eye contact for a few seconds. As they were about to leave, me and her were waiting in the hallway while everyone else was still in the living room. We stood next to eachother facing each other but slightly to the side and close enough to kiss just without being close enough to touch. We hold eye contact for about 2 seconds, and I say to her how I enjoyed seeing her, and went in for a side hug. She rested her head on my shoulder for a second and then hugged me back. After that no other words between us were said and everyone left. That whole day she was quite cold but also not and it really threw me off. Yet again like last time no mention of her boyfriend was made and no mention of my girlfriend (now ex at the time) was made either. 

I ended up talking with my mum who is a psychologist and she thought that my ex that I hung out with (let’s call her Daisy) only sees me as a friend and nothing more since daisy already has a few guy friends and has grown up with them. 
 I disagreed with my mum . 

Now that I’ve explained everything that happened in those 2 meet-ups, you guys are all up to date, which brings me to the final part - yesterday and today. 

She text me first again, yesterday, saying sorry for the fact she was so tired and ect ect. We have small talk for the rest of the day. Today, the conversation carried over from yesterday but we ended up talking a lot more and talking about deeper stuff. At times she would say ‘bro’ and stuff like that that made me think oh I’m just a friend. Other times she’d be more open, changing my mind again. She ends up asking me for advice on a subject, and mentions her current boyfriend and a small argument that happened and tells me about it. She asks me for my opinion on who’s in the wrong and that she really wants this relationship to work out. Me, stuck with what I should say, I just say that it’s not that big and she shouldn’t worry about it, blah blah. Just reassurance basically but it really made me wonder if this is just all a friendly thing in her head and she doesn’t actually see me as anything else

In conclusion, I am worried that if Daisy does like me, that she is being disloyal to her boyfriend and she could do the same to me. As well as this, I hate everything that’s happened up until now. I just feel like s*** because I don’t know. It’s a grey area. If she doesn’t like me, I’ve basically just been daydreaming about nothing. I really need to see her 1 on 1 because I want to make it clear how I feel and that if she feels the same she needs to sort out her relationship because it isn’t fair on me or the guy. If it’s nothing more than platonic friendship I’d like to know so I don’t need to see her again for my own good. What do you guys think? Am I being led on for attention? Is it that she does like me but is conflicted? Is it that I’m just a crutch for when she feels insecure in her own relationship? I know her quite well and I don’t think it’s any of these but to be honest, I can’t be certain at all. Please help guys I just really need some good neutral advice. I’m so stuck

[ExpatInItaly]

As long as she is in a relationship, keep your distance. 

I would personally avoid any confessional about your feelings. I would simply tell her that out of respect for her relationship, you are going to take your space. Then I would avoid any further meet-ups with her (alone or otherwise) and no more chats about her boyfriend or too much small talk. If she is into you and respects you and her boyfriend, she will understand that she needs to make herself single before anything else can happen.