4 years still real no title :(

[Anonymous]

For reference I am a 27 year old female who has been involved with a 35 year old man (he’s an Engineer w phd) for the past 4 years. For context the situation did not begin traditionally. He was in a relationship when we met but told me they had an agreement. Apparently not though because she ended up leaving him after seeing that I was sticking around.
 

He courted me hard from the beginning and I in turn fell hard. I’m a giver so I’d often even meal prep for him and just do small things to make his life easier. He was very open about his non committal ways and would sometimes invite women over while I was there to flirt etc. and then when he wouldn’t text me or would disappear in the night I’d obviously know what was going on. For awhile I also would entertain other men and then somehow we became more enmeshed especially this past year.

Why this past year? Well, he began having severe mental health issues to the point of requiring a rehab center after withdrawals from benzos and alcohol. He has been completely sober from benzos for a year and is now on treatment with anti anxiety medication and seeing a psychiatrist. His dad committed suicide years ago and I think a lot of his issues were from that. Anyway through this he has leaned on me most. For the first time during his struggle I finally met his family including his mom and siblings. I was at his Christmas family dinner, his birthdays etc. however, when he started feeling a little better I noticed he was still entertaining other women and recently I found a comment he left on a girls picture saying “the girl to the left of you is hot” there was no other girl in the picture so clearly he meant her. This was devastating. I’ve been there for him for years and since his withdrawals. I sleep in his bed most nights of the week because he says he needs me there, I help make his schedules and encourage him to meditate and journal. I’m a 4th year psychology PhD student so helping him feels like part of my calling. Lately he’s been needing to stay at his moms house again as he has relapsed a bit mentally and is still unable to work.

He still has a home he owns and luckily is able to day trade for income but my problem is deeper. Recently I asked him when he feels better where he sees us? And his answer was “I don’t know, I’m just trying to get my life back right now.” This of course burned me to my core. My family already dislikes him but I’ve tried to stick it out. The fact is there doesn’t seem to be a guarantee with us. He tells his friends that he and I are not in a relationship yet he freaks out if I don’t stay the night when he wants (which is most week nights). His mom adores me too. I just don’t know where to go from here. I think we are incredibly codependent on each other. When I try to leave he freaks out and tells me how much he cares about me yet nothing fundamentally changes. We also have a very sparse sex life although I sleep in bed w him most night and I’m afraid he’s getting it elsewhere. 
Any advice would be amazing. Should I wait it out? 

[Anonymous]

Wondering why he hasn’t made it official? 

[introverted1]

When someone shows you who he is, believe it.  This guy has made it clear in a thousand ways that he not interested in a serious, monogamous relationship with you.  The fact that he enjoys having you stay over so he doesn't have to be alone doesn't change that.

25 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I think we are incredibly codependent on each other.

As a PhD candidate in psychology, you know how unhealthy this is. 

[bozoclowncox]

7 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

When someone shows you who he is, believe it.  This guy has made it clear in a thousand ways that he not interested in a serious, monogamous relationship with you.  The fact that he enjoys having you stay over so he doesn't have to be alone doesn't change that.

As a PhD candidate in psychology, you know how unhealthy this is. 

I like an engineer. If I ever see him again, and he is single, I'm gonna tell him

 I struggled too with how do I cope with all the intensity and I found just being away from it and focused on my own space has helped. Those engineers are pretty hard to get over though. Darn, what is it about an engineer? 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Should I wait it out? 

You're going to be waiting the rest of your life if you make this mistake. 

This man does not want to be your boyfriend. You are giving him all the perks of a relationship without anything to show for it. He is not going to commit to you. 

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I’m a 4th year psychology PhD student so helping him feels like part of my calling

Girl, no. What you doing here is not helping. It's just you doing the "Pick Me!" Dance. You are trying to be everything to this guy to make him choose you and see your value, but it is not going to happen. He does not like you that way and you're tossing your own dignity down the toilet by pandering to him like this. Surely as a a psych major you should be doing a deeper dive on your own unhealthy habits here, because you aren't going to be able to help anyone unless you work on yourself first. I know I sure wouldn't trust the insight or advice of a psychologist who operates this way in her personal life. 

It's time for you to make some real changes and drop this person from your life. He will be fine. It's you who's going to be emotionally decimated if you don't turn your own life around. 

[Sony12]

It sounds like the OP may have been the 'distraction' from his previous relationship for a period of time so it's no surprise that he is now eyeing other women as well who are newer then the OP is.

You will never be satisfied with this guy as he will never give you what you are looking for.

[Gebidozo]

On 5/31/2026 at 10:47 PM, Anonymous said:

Should I wait it out?

Of course not. He isn’t interested in a serious relationship with you. You are disrespecting yourself. Leave him and find a man who would want to be seriously involved with you.

[flitzanu]

"He tells his friends that he and I are not in a relationship"

 

*there's your answer, you're not in a relationship.

[heavenonearth]

Please do yourself a favor and do not waste your precious 20s with this guy. 4 years! OMG! I mean, I certainly have been there, dating some guy for 2 years who did not know if he loved me or not... but even I, the anxiously attached, had enough of that eventually! You can do so so so much better!!!!!!