Sticky FWB situation

[teakitty]

I'd like to hear different perspectives on my FWB situation.  

I'm a woman seeing a man.  He's 3 years my senior.  And, apart from being close in age, we are miles apart in sensibilities. 

So, while I know he's not bf material, that being said, I've developed some feelings for him nevertheless.  And he hasn't.  He blows hot and cold.

My life is extremely stressful and very much in disarray and chaotic right now, so I wouldn't be able to have a proper relationship atm.  

I am pretty much near rock bottom and welcome what little comfort I can get.  

I am not able to drive right now and he is my driver.  He runs a rural taxi service and I pay him.  He is the cheapest guy around.

So somehow, through familiarity, proximity and convenience, we became lovers this past February.  

He's a major flirt and has the gift of gab, so, in spite of his many shortcomings, he can get women.

My problem is that I'm hooked and I wish to unhook while still being able to use his services... as I have few options right now.

And he must know my buttons because he does just enough to keep me hooked.

It's infantile, I know, but I feel it's a slap in the face that he consistently adds new women to his Facebook.  It hurts, especially when they're much younger.

Last week he sent a sexual voice message to me via Messenger that was destined for someone else.  I called him on it and he denied it saying that he was just ranting to himself and pressed messaging by accident.  We haven't had sex since.

Though last night, when he dropped something off to me from the store, he kissed me and hugged me.

He never kisses during sex.

Also, quite frankly, he's not that good in bed...  I'm doing it because it's been years since I'd had sex and I want the closeness of human contact.

I brought up exclusivity and he didn't respond.

And I don't want to contract an STI... (I've been tested since seeing him and I'm clear.)

So how do I go back to being just platonic?

Or remain FWB while I need his services for the foreseeable future?

PS I've also lent him a grand which I'd like to recoup.  Why did I lend it when I really don't have much to spare?  It's because his life seemed worse than mine at the time.  Incidentally, he is now going through bankruptcy.  I haven't been named as one of his creditors, so I'm assuming he intends to pay me back.

Thanks for reading...

I'd appreciate your kind and thoughtful input.

[basil67]

First things first, you'll never see that $1000 again.  Any money he does have will be distributed to those who are listed as creditors.

As for the FWB, it sounds like he's got a lot of options, so I think he'll be able to find sex elsewhere....so you can continue using his taxi service. Meanwhile, mute or unfollow him on social media so that you don't see that he's linking with other women.   

Perhaps you can negotiate free rides in exchange for him paying what he owes to you?

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, teakitty said:

I haven't been named as one of his creditors, so I'm assuming he intends to pay me back.

Oh, dear. No, you are not going to see that money. Please don't ever lend money to a guy like this again.

5 hours ago, teakitty said:

So how do I go back to being just platonic?

I don't think you will be able to. You can stop hooking up with him, sure, but your feelings are already wrapped up in him. As such, it's not realistic to expect you will be able to undo that and just be friends. It's going to hurt you too much. 

5 hours ago, teakitty said:

Or remain FWB while I need his services for the foreseeable future?

I also don't think this a good idea. You are too involved already and it's really time to untangle yourself. I would do as @basil67 suggested and see if you can continue using his taxi services pay down the debt he owes you. I have a feeling he is going to balk at this because he doesn't sound like a decent guy, but you can and should try. I don't think you're ever going to recoup the cash, though. 

[teakitty]

@basil67  Thank you so much for repsonding.  He picked me up today and said he has to get up early tomorrow to go on the road.  I asked where are he's going and he mentioned he has a funeral to attend on the other side of the town where the newest addition to his FB lives.  It's a good 2 1/2 hour drive away.  I know he is lying, as it's not the first time he's used the "going to a funeral" line.  

So, I've stopped following him on FB, as you suggest.

I didn't bring up free rides today in exchange for the money he owes me because I didn't feel strong enough to stand up for myself today.  He is still in preliminary hearings fro bankruptcy, so my name could still be added to the list.

@ExpatInItaly  Many thanks for responding.  I made a mistake lending money to a dishonorable man.  My heartstriings were involved and I felt sorry for him, but the reality is that if the situation were reverse, I don't think he'd cough up the cash for me, even if he had it. 

Although I will bring up the exchange of rides for the money he owes me, I didn't do it today.  He did mentioned the grass at my place is getting long when he dropped me off, and I said maybe he could help me mow it.  He didn't answer, but remained silent.  So, I think you're right that he'll balk at exchanging services for the money owed.

It's terrible to think that someone who calls himself a "man" and wants to be respected as such actually bites the hand that feeds and preys on a vulnerable woman.  He is dishonorable.

I don't want to remain sexually involved with him. 

Now that I'm writing this out and geting both of your perspectives, I don't want to be friends with him either.

Would the best approach be to just let it fade and fizzle out?

I fear he will retaliate, if I were to somehow confront him directly.

We live in a small rural village and people gossip, so I've been trying to keep this private. 

Saying good bye hurts, though, all the same.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, teakitty said:

Would the best approach be to just let it fade and fizzle out?

You could, if you don't feel you have the courage to be more direct and say this arrangement isn't working for you anymore. But I question if you will be able to let it fade. It is evident you have feelings for him and he knows which buttons to push, so my concern is that you will find it very difficult to let it fizzle and will find yourself going right to back to him when he wants. 

6 hours ago, teakitty said:

It's terrible to think that someone who calls himself a "man" and wants to be respected as such actually bites the hand that feeds and preys on a vulnerable woman. 

It's terrible, yes, but that is why we need to do be careful and look out for ourselves. It seems you have known for a while he doesn't want what you want out of this, so let this now be the moment that you start recognizing your own worth and draw some boundaries for yourself. 

[teakitty]

Thank you @ExpatInItaly

The pivotal point for me is in feeling worthy of something/someone/better treatment.

I've been going through a rough time with grief over so many losses that I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel when I just should've stayed alone.

It seemed comfortable, but I see who he is now (and have for some time, as you stated) and staying is making me feel worse.

Do I have the  courage to say this arrangement isn't working for me?  He has shown to have a vindinctive streak, so I might just have to let him "dump" me, so he feels he's won.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, teakitty said:

He has shown to have a vindinctive streak, so I might just have to let him "dump" me, so he feels he's won.

The more you write about this man, the more concerned I am.

Is there truly no other transportation option you can use? You need this person out of your life altogether. 

[teakitty]

@ExpatInItaly

I am concerned, too.

There's more to the tale, but I am so overwhelmed by everything in my life right now that I can't write more, atm.

I'm really very stressed... more than stressed.  Overwhelmed.

Thank you for writing to me.