Daughter doesn't want to come out with me again

[Lewis321]

So, Monday was the first time that i saw my youngest daughter in almost six years. She came out with us for her older sisters birthday who lives with me. Before this I have been stopped from seeing her by her mother, my understanding is that she has been negatively influencing her so that she wouldn't want to see me. She obviously has come to a point where she wanted to see me. The day went absolutely perfect, until I dropped her off back home. Me and mum agree to drop her off about 8.30, I dropped her off at 8.45. Mum was waiting on the door then made a point of keeping to time. I replied that she lived further away than I anticipated and walked away as I don't want to argue in front if the kids. Youngest daughter seemed happy when we left waving through the window. When we got home she was messaging her older sister saying that she thinks that I took her home late on purpose to wind her mother up. She is now saying that she doesn't want to come out with us again because she would rather stick to a routine. I feel like I messed things up, or is the mother overreacting and maybe negatively influencing her? Worth noting that nothing of the kids have autism. I don't know how to put it right?

[Sanch62]

I wouldn’t over-react to this. I’d tell daughter that she doesn’t need to come out with me when she doesn’t want to, and if she ever wants to, she is welcome.

You don’t mention your daughters’ ages, but I’d rather give them choices that empower them. Their winds will blow in different directions, so it makes no sense to force a given issue when they are likely to change their minds because they feel free to do so.

[Lewis321]

3 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

I wouldn’t over-react to this. I’d tell daughter that she doesn’t need to come out with me when she doesn’t want to, and if she ever wants to, she is welcome.

You don’t mention your daughters’ ages, but I’d rather give them choices that empower them. Their winds will blow in different directions, so it makes no sense to force a given issue when they are likely to change their minds because they feel free to do so.

They are 15 and 12, mother keeps making plans on whatever day we suggest to have her over and the youngest just goes along with it

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, Lewis321 said:

They are 15 and 12, mother keeps making plans on whatever day we suggest to have her over and the youngest just goes along with it

Okay, then this is mother’s problem, not yours. I’d keep my influence out of the equation, and you will thank yourself.

[Carlston]

I'd keep to the promised schedule, perhaps even bring them back a bit earlier. Why give mom reason to be triggered and complain? It's not about what's reasonable it's about keeping the piece.

Part of me thinks you brought them back late on purpose just to twist the screwdriver a bit.

I mean seriously nowadays with map apps and all that there is no reason short of an unexpected delay due to a road closure or meteor strike along your intended route that would cause you to miscalculate your arrival time.

I have two daughters, they were 10 and 14 at the time of my divorce. Mom alienated them against me as well, despite my best efforts my eldest cut contact with me for 3 years and my youngest eventually turned her back but for shorter periods. After the divorce was final they had enough of mom and they both came to live with me at different times before moving on their own. From what I've read of the accounts of others this sort of thing is fairly typical. The kids eventually figure out there's another side to the story, they get curious about their other parent, they reach out, and ultimately realize they've been deceived and it backfires on the alienating parent. 

 

Edited May 21 by Carlston

[Els]

Being 15 minutes late with a 12-year-old at night is a really big deal, and I'm not sure why you don't see it that way. Mum was probably worried that something had happened to her, especially if it's been 6 years since the last time.

Are you habitually late for things like work and doctor's appointments, or is it just getting your daughter home that you are late for?

Why don't you just acknowledge that you messed up, and apologize? It's the best thing you can do in this situation.

 

Edited May 23 by Els