Me and my girlfriend don’t see or speak to each other for months on end

[Anonymous]

Hello, I’ve never posted on anything like this before, but I was hoping to get some outside opinions on a problem that I’ve been having in my relationship.

Me and my girlfriend (both of us are 21) met in highschool, and both liked eachother but because of a bunch of shenanigans and drama and all of that it took me four years to ask her out, a month or two before we graduated. Well after a few more lovely highschool shenanigans we started dating and were very happy together until graduation. She was planning to go to a university for a medical degree, and I didn’t have any plans, but eventually settled on community college. So we got thrown into a long distance relationship after only having been dating for about a month. She has always had a lot of family things going on, and she works a lot of the time because she pays for her college all by herself, and also she is not a very big texter so even just over that summer we started to lose contact.

So basically after that we have stayed together but the time between when we see each other has gotten farther and farther apart. Mind you we live in adjacent cities but since neither of us could drive at the time it was basically long distance to us. I told myself that I could wait for as long as we need for us to be together again, and focused on school and work. I thought that once I started making money and got a car/license that we would be together again since I was more than willing to drive to her. Well that happens and nothing changes. At this point there are times where a month or two can go by and I won’t hear a single thing from her because of how busy she is, and I’m the type to text her fairly frequently because I want to stay in contact or just know how she’s doing. Now I’ve transferred to the same college as her, and I thought surely now we’d be able to be together, but our schedules have been flipped, she has a heavy course load and amount of work, and she’s still always busy. I’m also pretty busy and when we do talk she thinks that I’m busier than her but I feel like I always have time that I could set aside for her if she ever wanted.

So yeah after our first semester being at the same college I didn’t even see her until halfway through, and this last semester I saw her maybe one time for only an hour. A few weeks ago it was our three year anniversary of being together and it just really hit me that we haven’t even really been together. Now I’m very shy and awkward and even have to work up the courage to hold her hand, and that’s all we’ve done basically. After three years we still haven’t even kissed, which I mean I’m fine with because I want it to be in the right moment, but we’re never together to even have a moment.

So basically since I transferred to her school I’ve been feeling some immense depression and loneliness after having left my old school and job behind where I had a lot of friends and coming to a new place. I’ve sort of found my place now and have new friends and everyone around me says I’m doing great in my major, but I just still feel alone. I feel like my girlfriend is the one that I want to be with but she’s never available and I’m not the type of person who wants to push her about it either.

It feels like we’ve been in a cycle for a few years of we’ll see each other and have a good time and some progress will be made in the relationship, but then there will be anywhere from a 1-3 month gap before I can get a hold of her again. At that point once we meet up we have to catch up, and I’m not really sure where we stand with each other so we have to get comfortable with each other again. And so that basically just keeps repeating and we don’t go anywhere, it feels static. I don’t think that she’s doing anything wrong or malicious because she’s a great person and I know that she is genuinely very busy to the point of overwork and exhaustion, so I feel guilty wanting to ask her for more of her time. I’m also very non confrontational and feel like if I bring it up to her it will feel like I’m accusing her of something and I don’t want it to be like that either.

At this point I’m not even sure how she feels about me anymore. If she’s lost interest in me or doesn’t feel the same as she did before I feel like I couldn’t even blame her. I feel like even if she still loves me and wants to be together, there’s just no room for me in her life and it doesn’t look like that will change anytime soon. I just feel really lonely though and like there’s a gap in my life where she is, and I really do want to be together if we can.

Its also been hard to talk to her about any of this because I always try to find the right moment to bring it up when we’re together but never can. It feels weird to just jump into it on our first time seeing eachother after a long while so I tell myself I’ll wait till the second time we meet up, which almost never happens. Also since she doesn’t read her texts or answer calls it feels like I don’t have a good way to get a hold of her. When we do text, sometimes when I try to bring up trying to get together to meet, she’ll always be busy, or she’ll stop texting altogether. At this point I feel like I just genuinely have no idea how she feels about me or our relationship. Oh and lately it feels like when we see eachother it feels like it’s as friends who are catching up after awhile and not as a couple.

So yeah sorry if that’s a lot of yapping and poorly worded, feel free to ask for any clarification or more info. I really don’t think that she’s a bad person or doing anything knowingly, we’ve just ended up in this really weird situation after all this time and I want to change it. So any feedback on your perspective or what you would do would be nice. I’m also trying to set up a meet up to talk to her about this, but if you have a way to bring this up naturally that doesn’t sound accusatory or anything would also be nice. Thanks! :)

[Acacia98]

1. She doesn't have time for a relationship.

2. It's clear she's driven and ambitious and her priority is her studies. You, on the other hand,  don't seem to have an anchor. And that would explain why you were willing to leave everything you knew behind you and move to her college, where you had to start from scratch.

You need to accept that this relationship is over (for all practical purposes) and let her go. And then you need to start making yourself your focus. Stop volunteering to jump through hoops for someone who doesn't even have time to read text messages from you. Direct that energy towards your emotional and metal health, your school work, and your thoughts/plans regarding your future.

Edited 5 hours ago by Acacia98

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Anonymous said:

it just really hit me that we haven’t even really been together

You’re right, you haven’t.

You haven’t even kissed all this time. This has never been a real romantic relationship,

In the future, please don’t invest romantically in people who aren’t interested in you romantically. That’s a terrible waste of time, effort, and nerves.

Kissing is one of the first things that occur when two people are interested in each other. Next time you date someone, make sure you initiate it on one of your first dates so that you know much sooner where you stand.