Trans man unsure if relationship is working

[jemz99]

Hi all! I don't have any friends to talk to about this, ,so Im posting on here in hopes of some advice from people who may have been in similar shoes at some point or another.

Basically, my girlfriend (22F) and I (22M) have been together for 4.5 years. I'm a trans man, she's a cis woman. I love her but I've been seeing a pattern across our entire relationship that I can't unsee anymore, and I'm leaning toward ending things. I want honest outside perspective before I do.

From the beginning, I was always the one making the effort. I was always the one taking buses and trains to see her. She had a car the entire time and rarely used it for me, and when I asked her to meet me halfway she complained every time. She never once visited me in my dorm and refused to come into my building. When I transferred schools and lived in a house with friends, she refused to come because she thought it was gross. Meanwhile I was driving to her every single time, paying for my own gas, in a car that's falling apart while hers is brand new and fully covered by her parents.

She didn't come to my high school graduation because she didn't want anyone to know she was there for me. It took her a year and a half to tell her family I existed — and when she finally did, they already knew and didn't even care. So the year and a half wasn't about it being hard. She just didn't want to. In the two plus years since telling them, she has brought me around her family a handful of times, and almost always only after I broke down about it or broke up with her.

She has never posted me on social media. Not once in 4.5 years. After years of asking, she eventually posted a picture of my back, didn't tag me, and thought that was sufficient. When I told her it wasn't, she cried. When I brought up anything she didn't want to hear, she cried until I dropped it. Every single time.

While she was studying abroad, she went on a trip with friends and shared a bed with another guy without telling me. When it came out, she first said it was just a room, then admitted it was a bed, then tried to gaslight me into thinking she'd said bed the whole time. Over the following weeks she posted that guy and their friend group 13 times. She still hadn't posted me once.

I broke up with her in September. Immediately she started texting me every night, sending letters about suicidal ideation and self harm. I had met someone else — someone who posted me immediately, brought me around his friends right away, invited me to his family's Thanksgiving. I ran back to her anyway because I felt responsible for her.

She promised therapy when we got back together. It's been months. No therapy.

She didn't ask once about coming to my college graduation until I brought it up less than a week before. She got a weird look on her face when I asked. She did come, but it felt obligatory. She was supposed to come the day after my top surgery and cancelled day-of to come a week and a half later because she didn't want to drive and had a vacation the next day.

She still has not posted me.

Every time I've raised any of this, she cries, says she's a horrible person, makes promises, and nothing changes. The only times anything has ever shifted is when I've broken up with her or hit a complete breaking point — and even then it lasts weeks before we're back to the default.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel guilty for leaving because she has done little things to change, but I don't know. I need some brutal honesty, I think

[basil67]

You should have left her four years ago!    She sounds like a dreadful partner.   

Ideally, you would end it over the phone.   Phone is good because she again tries to manipulate you by saying she's a horrible person, tell her "I'm not having this discussion with you" and cut the connection.  Once you've ended the call (one way or another) BLOCK her.   She can't put all this suicide ideation on you if you're not in contact with her....but if somehow she gets a suicide threat through to you, call emergency services and they'll send an ambulance to her.    DO NOT GET INVOLVED

Or if that's too much drama, you could just block and ghost her.  I know that ghosting is generally frowned upon, but it's certainly acceptable when you're breaking up with someone who will try and manipulate you.  I hope you don't have valuable stuff at her place?

Also I suggest you get some therapy for yourself and work out why you've tolerated this for so long.

Edited Monday at 10:10 PM by basil67

[ShyViolet]

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Edited Monday at 11:19 PM by ShyViolet

[ShyViolet]

You never should have gotten back together with her.  That was a huge mistake.  She sounds very immature and manipulative.  It's time for. you to end this relationship for good, and it sounds like you know that.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's well past time to end this completely. 

It ran its course ages ago and continues to get worse. Set yourself free and find your happiness. It isn't with this young woman. 

[Sanch62]

On 5/18/2026 at 4:49 PM, jemz99 said:

I ran back to her anyway because I felt responsible for her.

This makes no sense. Why assume responsibility for another adult?

You are free to liberate yourself from this mess. Choose wisely.