Input wanted - break in an 8y relationship (chronic illness, dead bedroom)

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

I don't engage on the internet to such extent with private details, but i need some external opinions on my situation.

Background.

We're 8 years together this year. We're engaged for over half of that period (i knew she was the one, but she wanted a regular wedding that requires some saving up, nothing luxurious, it's just that stuff's expensive right now.. i'd opt even for a smaller one with the closest friends and family, but i want her to be happy right).

When we met she was preparing to start college, so after two years of us being together she did. It would take 5 years. During that time i was responsible for us financially as in this part of the world you're able to do good public college but attendance is daily and mandatory. Thus the decision. No problem, i'm earning well enough for us to live comfortably, nothing extreme, we couldn't really afford long vacations or anything.

All that was going very well. 4 years into our relationship, over the course of one month, my maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather died from old age and my sister died in a car accident. My side of the family and myself took a hit, but i persevered. I continued to work, we inherited a flat, that helped us a bunch. I took care of 90% of our responsibilites, financially and in the household, i cooked, cleaned, did repairs, maintained the car, drove her to school and back, or at least the bus stop - just so she can focus on school.

5 years into our relationship (a year after my sisters passing), i got sick with a chronic illness that manifested 24/7. I continued to do my role, i took care of my health, i went through 2 surgeries to fix my condition. During that time our relationship deteriorated, my libido took an extreme hit,  outside of our responsibilities and the little exercise i did it was very hard for me to engage in romantic life or anything adventurous like travel or concerts. We argued about that very often, she isn't very outspoken, i thought i was talking with myself, i cried from being tired of it all, she cried because she was "missing out on life". I told her we're going to work through this, but she has to help me a little. 

- "Once i finish college it's going to change"

Come last year, she finished college, started to work, and our problems exploded. She now has issues with how much she should contribute to our finances, she wants to go to trips - which i'm all for i don't want to bring her down, it's her money, so she goes with friends or a cousin. I'm not that big of a fan of trips or have energy for them at this point. She's unsatisified with our love life, but i can't give much now... Last month i was scheduled for very possibly last surgery but it's very serious and maybe not risky but serious nontheless.

She tells me, me she's tired with our relationship, she's tired with me being sad constantly, she's missing out on life, she doesn't want to hear my nagging about asking her to take care of some chores. It seems that she has been overcame by me because i wanted us to talk but she doesn't want to, i open myself up to very little reaction or her villyfing herself in my eyes, making me feel like a monster, she behaves likes she's scared of me, and i ask "are you stressed or scared to talk with me, what's going on?" and she burst's into tears.

Last week she tells me she needs a break... 3 weeks before my surgery. She's angry because my father will stay with us for one night to drive me to the hospital and pick me up (she doesn't drive) and say she'll feel uncomfortable with him being here (nothing ever happened, they don't even have contact, they don't talk when we're at our parents, we're always together there, so the discomfort most likely stems from them just being alien to each other).

I drove her to her parents, and i was against a break, i wanted us to go to therapy if she doesn't feel safe talking to me, but im at my wits end. I feel like this relationship is done for and i'm struggling as this was supposed to be the love of my life and i'm left alone in the lowest point of my life .  I understand she feels unsatisified living this way, but it wasn't my choice, i'm not an addict, i just had a few shitty things happen to me while we're together and it seem i'm the only one trying to fix us.. 

I know this is all rambling but i don't know if im stupid for hoping it's going to be good, she just needs some space? I'm mentally already breaking us up, because, what if i get cancer, what if our kid is born disabled... she'll leave then too?

[Els]

I'm sorry to hear that.

I don't think this is anyone's fault really. On your side, you have a chronic illness, which seems to severely limit your activities, and that's the bad hand that you were dealt. On her side, she seems to be a young woman who is understandably upset that she has never (and perhaps will never) travel with her partner or attend a concert with her partner or "engage in romantic life" or have sex or do all the things that most young women do with their partners. 

Maybe consider just letting her go if she wants to. You're not married yet, you don't have kids or a house together, it's going to be so much worse if you're splitting up with these things. Also if you have such severe activity and energy limitations, is it really a good idea for you to be having a child with anyone? She will essentially have to be a single parent, while married and taking care of you. 

[teakitty]

You're a really good guy.  I'm so sorry for the rough knocks life has thrown you.

She's very immature, and hasn't appreciated all you've done and the sacrifices you made in supporting her.

I'm so sorry that she is treating you this way at your lowest.

It's unfair that she hasn't stepped up to the plate.

You deserve so much better.

It's good you are not married, have children, etc. at this point.

You might want to consult a lawyer to go over things so that she doesn't try to get what's yours due to common-law status.  Are you both still together?

How are you doing?

How did the surgery go?

[Finest_Marksman]

Bro, I read this twice. You carried both of you through grief, school, surgeries, and a flat inheritance while she focused on her degree. You showed up. That’s not “nagging”… that’s love with calluses on its hands.

You’re not stupid for hoping. You’re loyal. The problem is: loyalty to someone who leaves 3 weeks before your most serious surgery isn’t loyalty, it’s self-abandonment. 

“Missing out on life” while you were literally fighting for yours… that’s not a fair exchange. You asked for teamwork, not sainthood. You asked for therapy, not a break. You asked her to stay 1 night while your dad drives you to the hospital. Her discomfort about a stranger > your fear of not waking up. That tells you everything.

You’re not a monster for needing help. You’re human for breaking after 8 years of carrying it all. If she can’t sit with you in the lowest point, she didn’t love you - she loved the version of you that made her life easy.

Don’t beg someone to stay who needs a “break” from your pain. The right person won’t need convincing to drive you to surgery. They’ll fight to be in the waiting room.

You deserve peace, not probation. Heal first. If she’s meant to be there after, she’ll meet you in therapy, not run from it. If not, you didn’t lose your “love of your life.” You lost the person who couldn’t love you when life got real.

I’m sorry this is your season. You’re not alone here. What’s one thing you need right now that has nothing to do with her? 

Sending you strength for that surgery