Red Flag or a Step Back?

[Lael]

Not sure how to sort this out. It’s a long post, so thx in advance if you read it.

I’ve been seeing this guy from another city for 3 months. He’s driven down to see me in my city 6 times and all seemed well - although our conversations are still surface level. Like updates on what he did that day (in painful detail ) and of course the weather update in his city so boring. I was going to address this “lack of depth conversation” with him this weekend but he’s not coming. It was my call to cancel his invite.

So he came to see me 2 weeks ago. It just so happened that I worked half-day on that Friday, so I suggested he come Thursday night. I would go to work and he'd stay put until | got home. That worked out well. We also determined he could stay over Sunday night, I'd go to work first thing Monday morning and he'd head back to his city.

So when I invited him over for this weekend he asked if it would be the same as last time. I said he could stay over Sunday and leave Monday morning, but I wasn't sure about him coming over Thursday yet due to my work schedule.

Then we chatted on Wednesday night, and at one point in the conversation he said, "Hey, this time tomorrow you'll be in my arms." I reminded him that him coming on Thursday night hadn't been determined yet. He said, "I thought we agreed it would be the same as last time. I said, "You leaving Monday morning is the same, but I told you I needed to check my work schedule to see if Thursday night was doable."

I told him Friday would work better. When I said that he got quiet, then his tone changed. He quickly recapped our conversation, told me to go have a bath, read a book, or watch some TV. Then he ended the call saying he had things to do.

This seemed like an immature response, not being able to accept that it was not going to be like the last time, to not be able to adapt to a change, but more importantly, to not put out an expectation that things would be like 'last time", as expectations are based on external factors and are a precursor to resentment.

I called him Thursday after I got home from work to discuss coming over Friday night. Well, he was so distant and distracted when I called (he was outside working on something). He said, “If you want to talk I'm listening.” I told him I'd rather have a conversation, so he stopped whatever he doing so we could talk.

I asked why he ended last night's call so quickly. Then he got rather short with me and I could hear anger and frustration in his voice. His tone was not nice. He didn't raise his voice, but I could tell he was pissed.

Some of what he said was, he thought we didn't have good communication, because he was sure I said he could come over Thursday night like the last time. He questioned my ability to be in a relationship, then said, "If that's what you think this is, because I do." He then got into a rant about how he's spent $600 in gas to come see me ($100 for each round trip) then stated that that didn't even include all the food he brought for us to eat (which I didn't ask him to do as I had food cooked for us every time he came over which he choose not to eat). Then he complained about always eating the canned soup he brought.

And then he started a scenario of what the weekend would look like if he came over.

He said, "I'd come Friday night, then I'd be tired the next day from driving, then you have that appointment (which I told him about and he said was he was fine with, as I'd be there and back within 90 minutes). Then we'd watch some Netflix Saturday, then it will be Sunday, maybe we'd go for a walk, and then I'd be get ready to go home the next morning.”

He didn't even state how nice it would be to spend whatever time we had together on the weekend, just focused on all the things that would be in the way.

He said some other things, but by this point I was shutting down and getting emotional. So I told him I needed a break and was going to end the call, which I did. A few hours later he sent a text apologizing for being short with me and to have a restful night.

I didn't respond to his text until Friday morning. I said I accept his apology (that's the kind of person I am, because it sets me free). Then I text him and said, from what he shared about how the weekend would unfold it seemed like he was saying it wasn't worth his time and gas to come see me. I also reminded him that I am a sensitive soul (he knows I'm an empath) and that his words and the emotions around them hit me hard and impacted me deeply. I said I was looking forward to seeing him and getting some comforting hugs given that I wasn't feeling so great from a busy work week. But I now need to take this weekend to focus, process some things and to recenter my energy back to a sense of calm. And I said I missed him too, because I kinda do.

He responded back saying he will process some things too.

Then when got home from work Friday I got a text saying, "I've been working on my small tractor today." And he sent me a picture (he lives on an acreage so he doing some yard work apparently).

It seems weird to me that he'd send me that message and not comment about anything on my previous text, or ask how I was feeling. So that's it. I chatted with a coworker about this. She said what I shared is giving her the "ick" about this guy.

I believe he has unresolved anger from his past and I'm the target when something doesn't go his way. In past conversations when his ex comes up I hear anger in his voice, when he talks about his divorce lawyer and how unhelpful he was I hear unresolved anger. And just recently when he was telling me about his brother who he's estranged from, I heard anger when he was sharing that story. I had to shut down that conversation, telling him I don't do soap operas and didn't want to hear any more.

So is this a concerning red flag, or should I just take a step back? We do have chemistry, but I’m still sorting out whether we have compatibility.

Many thx if you read this and choose to respond.

[Gebidozo]

So you’re dating a guy who is petty, self-centered, angry, and dull.

What miraculously wonderful traits does he possess that could possibly compensate for those and make you miss him and believe you have chemistry?

[Lael]

Well, he’s attentive, caring, affectionate, kind, and we easily share the same humour. But yes, I can see that he’s is petty, self-centered, angry, dull and boring. The last 3 are more of an issue for me. Suppose they all are if I’m being honest with myself.

And to continue with being honest with myself, I was hoping the chemistry wasn’t going to be purely physical. It appears that’s what it is, so… ce la vie. Even though we may have physical chemistry, we don’t have compatibility.

Thx Gebidozo

Edited Sunday at 01:19 AM by Lael

[ExpatInItaly]

I actually think both of you have your issues, and you could do a bit of reflection on yourself here as well. 

He doesn't communicate well and sounds unhappy with the current situation, sure. But do you ever go to him? Or is all the travelling his responsibility? If so, why? 

Also, not so sure you are the empath you claim to be: 

7 hours ago, Lael said:

just recently when he was telling me about his brother who he's estranged from, I heard anger when he was sharing that story. I had to shut down that conversation, telling him I don't do soap operas and didn't want to hear any more.

I'm sorry, but this was quite rude and snotty of you.  So what if he feels anrgy about the sitation with his brother? Is that not allowed? He was sharing something personal with you, and you minimized it as a "soap opera" and essentially told him to shut up.  It's one thing to not want to be dragged into drama, of course, but it's quite another to show the guy you are dating that you are not willing to offer a listening ear to vent to, either. Even worse, you dismissed whatever feelings he might have about it as a soap opera. I am rather gobsmacked he didn't call you out for that. I would have. 

You two are not right for each other, that much is clear. He has his issues he needs to sort out, and from where I stand as woman, you do, too. You are a little far up there on your high horse, girl. 

Edited Sunday at 07:44 AM by ExpatInItaly

[Lael]

We all are a ‘work in progress’ aren’t we?

So yes, I am taking time to reflect on our situation, and myself.

I wouldn’t have a problem to travel to go see him. The reason why I  haven’t, and he’s aware of this, is because I have a diabetic cat who requires an insulin shot morning and night, so I need to be home. And I can’t board her to take the trip as they don’t allow pets who have a diagnosis and/or who are on meds to be boarded. So I’m being a responsible pet owner.

Regarding his brother, I’ve heard the story a few times already, and am always willing to listen to his stories. This last time his anger was more prevalent, he called his brother a parasite, and a narcissist. I could feel his anger over the phone which is not comfortable for me. I talked about how family is important, and mentioned that he can only do so much on his side if his brother is the way he is and not willing to work through the situation. Apparently this is a decade old issue.

So I didn't ‘shut him down’ in a rude way. Or dismissing his feelings. After we had a conversation on the issue I stated how his feelings were valid, and noted how this situation was affecting him adversely, and that it was concerning to me. I told him he doesn’t need the undue stress this is causing him. He agreed with me, and said that the situation was just toxic. He also said that he wants to go burn down his brother’s house one night. I know he was joking, but he was going on and on about it, saying I could help by carrying the gas can or by lighting the match. I didn’t like how the conversation was going, even though he stated he was joking. That’s when I calmly stated that I didn’t want to hear any more about, and that’s when mentioned that I don’t do soap operas. 

 

 

Edited Sunday at 01:07 PM by Lael

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, Lael said:

I wouldn’t have a problem to travel to go see him. The reason why I  haven’t, and he’s aware of this, is because I have a diabetic cat who requires an insulin shot morning and night, so I need to be home. And I can’t board her to take the trip as they don’t allow pets who have a diagnosis and/or who are on meds to be boarded. So I’m being a responsible pet owner

Yes, but this is also why a long-distace relationship isn't really a suitable choice for you.

Sooner or later, the other person is going to tire of doing all the travelling. That is draining and gets expensive. Surely you could have predicted that, so I am wondering why you opted to pursue this when you are unable to travel or meet the other person halfway. 

What was your thought process there? That he would just continue coming to you indefinitely? 

[Lael]

He was the one who wanted to purse this, he said he’d drive to come see me. I didn’t want to pursue it for that reason.

He was the one who said he felt we had something when we initially met half way in another city, and wanted to continue to see where things would go between us.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Lael said:

He was the one who wanted to purse this, he said he’d drive to come see me. I didn’t want to pursue it for that reason.

So why did you? 

You didn't have to go along with it, especially having already had doubts that it would be viable long-term. I personally would not have proceeded, despite what he wanted

[Lael]

We both decided to see how things would unfold given we both felt a connection, and we have a lot in common.

I think his connection was stronger and it seemed to develop more quickly as we continued to see each other.

New relationships can be hard to navigate. I’m done analyzing why we started dating as it doesn’t help the current situation.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Lael said:

I’m done analyzing why we started dating as it doesn’t help the current situation.

I think it is, in part, directly related to where you are now though. The distance problem was bound to get worse and you were both a bit short-sighted there. Now you are seeing why. 

Anyway, I don't think it makes sense to contiune dating. You sound fed up with him and he sounds equally fed up with you. Time to wrap it up and find people better suited to each of you. 

[Sanch62]

You might have a tolerance for infant pouting over a simple misunderstanding, but I'd pass.