Will she won’t she

[Ifonlyitwasthateasy]

A letter to my wife. Opinions please

I wanted to write this down, and I wanted to make sure that I get this exactly as I want it to come across, and hope that you understand it as it is meant to be understood.

 

A while ago I did clumsily mention this and we never really spoke about it again, but I still feel the same. I wanted to put it all down clearly and send it to you when you had the opportunity to read it, contemplate it, read it again and take as much time as you need with it.

 

We have been together for so many years and I have always loved and cared about you, and I still do, that will never change.  You have been and are such a beautiful, wonderful positive in my life. What we both know is that things have changed between us. We haven’t been close, physically or emotionally, for several years and we’ve fallen into a pattern where we kind of co-exist. I know I haven’t been a good husband, and I know I have stopped giving the affection, passion and excitement that you deserve. 

 

We have spent our whole adult life together; have never felt what it’s like to be with someone different sexually; the thrill of being seen through fresh eyes, the nervous excitement you would feel getting to know someone, the joy of being wanted and desired in a way that feels free and easy,  the thrill of being with someone you hardly know and giving yourself to them. 

 

I’ve thought about this a lot, and it has taken a lot of courage to send this (as I worry you take it the wrong way) and I’ve come to realise something: I want that for you. I want you to know what it’s like to be with a man who looks at you and thinks you’re beautiful, who makes you feel sexy and confident, who gives you pleasure and excitement. I want you to be able to let go of all the habits, the frustrations, the inhibitions that have built up between us over the years. With someone different , you can be whoever you want to be — you can just be you, a wonderful, desirable woman, enjoying herself and feeling everything you’ve been missing. You can have this and we can still have a life together as the parts don’t conflict.

 

I need to say this clearly, because I don’t want you to misunderstand my reasons at all: this is not about me, and it’s not because I’m looking for anything for myself. I am completely at ease with things as they are for me — I don’t want to be with anyone else, I’m not asking for the same freedom, and I’m not expecting to get anything out of this personally.  I am at a stage where my own happiness is genuinely tied to seeing you fulfilled.

 

Every single part of this is because I want you to have something you’ve gone without for so long and before it’s too late. There is no hidden agenda here — just me wanting the very best for you, nothing more. My pleasure would be seeing and knowing your pleasure. 

 

And I truly believe it would be good for us, too. I know you miss affection, and that can make you feel frustrated and lonely. You always say that you need something to look forward to. Now I know you mean things like a holiday, but imagine if you could look forward to these times that are yours, knowing that it is okay and that you could do it whenever and with whoever you wanted. I think you’d be happier. We have already moved past the physical side of our relationship, I feel this is a way to add to your life if you want it without taking away from the foundation we still have.

 

I know that this goes against everything that you have believed in up till now, but I don’t think that it makes it wrong if we both consent and accept it.

 

None of this is because I don’t care. It’s exactly the opposite: I care and appreciate you enough  to want you to be happy. I want you to have the things I can’t give you and that you don’t want from me, and I want you to know that I won’t be angry, or jealous, or hurt. I won’t worry that it will change any feelings you still have for me — I’ll just be glad that you’re experiencing what you deserve and will always support you in any way you need.

 

You are beautiful, and kind and thoughtful, and you’ve given me so much over the years. I want you to have something for yourself. A part of your life that isn’t me or the kids or the stresses or worries that go with that. Times when you can just fully enjoy the moment, knowing you are not hurting or deceiving anyone.

 

There is still so much that I think we can have together, and I want us to stay together as we are husband and wife and partners for life. I can separate the physical side from that if you can. 

 

I appreciate that this is a lot to process on your own. If you feel that it would help to confide in someone or get a different perspective, I want you to know that I would be fine with you approaching a friend, Julie D for example. I know she’s a great friend to you, and I trust her discretion completely. I just want you to have whatever support you need, whether that’s talking to me, talking to a friend, or just having your own quiet time with this.

 

This isn’t a yes or no thing. You might want to chat more about it, you might want to not mention it again. I just want to let it be there so you know what is open to you should you desire. It’s your decision and I will respect your feelings towards this 100%.

 

Please believe me that this comes from a good place and is what I want for you…..you totally deserve to have that choice if you want it.

[Gebidozo]

If I received such a letter from my romantic partner, I’d feel extremely hurt and devastated.

I’d end the relationship immediately.

You’re basically telling your wife ”I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. No relationship can survive that.

Then you tell her to look for romantic love elsewhere. That’s even worse.

I think she might just follow your advice, but don’t expect her to stay with you.

You really might want to look for other ways to revive your relationship before suggesting something ruinous like that.

[Lael]

Yeesh!

As a woman, if I was married and received a letter like that I’d rip it up and leave.

What’s the reason your physical and emotional connection faded? You don’t need to respond.

Seriously, if you’ve been together for so long why not take steps to rekindle the romance and love you both had?

4 hours ago, Ifonlyitwasthateasy said:

My pleasure would be seeing and knowing your pleasure.

This sounds super creepy dude. Ick! Is this some kind of fantasy fetish thing?

[ExpatInItaly]

This is a really bad idea. 

Unless you two have ever discussed opening the marriage, this is extremely unlikely to be received well. You  need to not send that and instead ask yourself if this marriage simply needs to be over. 

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

The letter itself is well written and I understand completely what you are going for. You clearly do care about her and want her happiness, even if it means she isn't physically with you. I don't believe this is about you or that you are trying to get something from it. You are trying to figure out how to hold onto a marriage and friendship that you both care about, while giving her the opening for something you think would make her happier. You recognize there are issues and this is an attempt to resolve things while not breaking up the family you have built.

Most people, however, won't see that. The idea of an open relationship, or even suggesting it, would be seen as wrong. What you need to consider is what your partner would think, if she would be okay with it. You need to consider what the best way to mention it to her would be, if at all. 

I also think this is something best talked about in person. Written words can be misinterpreted, no matter how well said they are. But the sincerity in your voice and look on your face can convey more emotions. 

I know a couple who did something similar. She was with someone else physically. He wanted much the same as you and she was attracted to someone else but didn't want to break her partner's heart and end things. They talked it over and set rules for what was and was not acceptable. I don't believe intercourse was included but they could be intimate otherwise. In the end the couple are still together years later. They gave it a try with honesty and communication and still kept their love for each other. So it's possible. But it's also a risk that you have to both make sure you are okay taking. 

On a deeper level though, the physical is only one aspect. You would best be served by figuring out what has caused you to drift apart and how to reconnect. Be honest if what you are proposing will really fix things or is more likely to be a temporary fix. 

[Ifonlyitwasthateasy]

7 hours ago, ShySoul said:

The letter itself is well written and I understand completely what you are going for. You clearly do care about her and want her happiness, even if it means she isn't physically with you. I don't believe this is about you or that you are trying to get something from it. You are trying to figure out how to hold onto a marriage and friendship that you both care about, while giving her the opening for something you think would make her happier. You recognize there are issues and this is an attempt to resolve things while not breaking up the family you have built.

Most people, however, won't see that. The idea of an open relationship, or even suggesting it, would be seen as wrong. What you need to consider is what your partner would think, if she would be okay with it. You need to consider what the best way to mention it to her would be, if at all. 

I also think this is something best talked about in person. Written words can be misinterpreted, no matter how well said they are. But the sincerity in your voice and look on your face can convey more emotions. 

I know a couple who did something similar. She was with someone else physically. He wanted much the same as you and she was attracted to someone else but didn't want to break her partner's heart and end things. They talked it over and set rules for what was and was not acceptable. I don't believe intercourse was included but they could be intimate otherwise. In the end the couple are still together years later. They gave it a try with honesty and communication and still kept their love for each other. So it's possible. But it's also a risk that you have to both make sure you are okay taking. 

On a deeper level though, the physical is only one aspect. You would best be served by figuring out what has caused you to drift apart and how to reconnect. Be honest if what you are proposing will really fix things or is more likely to be a temporary fix. 

I think you have captured the situation brilliantly. Like you say, most people will see this as ‘not normal’ but unconventional doesn’t mean wrong, especially if it works for the people concerned. Hopefully she will not see this as me doing anything ‘wrong’ but just letting her know the option is there if she feels she wants or needs it

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Ifonlyitwasthateasy said:

I think you have captured the situation brilliantly. Like you say, most people will see this as ‘not normal’ but unconventional doesn’t mean wrong, especially if it works for the people concerned. Hopefully she will not see this as me doing anything ‘wrong’ but just letting her know the option is there if she feels she wants or needs it

It’s not about right or wrong, it’s about you planning to tell your wife that you don’t love her romantically anymore and plainly suggesting that she look for romance elsewhere.

There is nothing intrinsically unethical in that suggestion - that is true. But to the vast majority of people, such a suggestion would constitute a mortal insult and a death knell of the relationship.

 

Edited Monday at 09:39 AM by Gebidozo

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

It’s not about right or wrong, it’s about you planning to tell your wife that you don’t love her romantically anymore and plainly suggesting that she look for romance elsewhere.

This.  I am rather astonished you're missing the point this much, OP. 

12 hours ago, Ifonlyitwasthateasy said:

just letting her know the option is there if she feels she wants or needs it

Do you not trust she would come to on her own if she felt she wanted to open the marriage, though? Or had urges to sleep with other men? 

[introverted1]

What makes you think she will want to remain married to you if she finds love, romance, and sexual fulfillment with another man?

[Sanch62]

I'd want to know why you're refusing to give me what you believe I want, and why you'd rather pawn me off on someone else.

[ShySoul]

22 hours ago, Ifonlyitwasthateasy said:

I think you have captured the situation brilliantly. Like you say, most people will see this as ‘not normal’ but unconventional doesn’t mean wrong, especially if it works for the people concerned. Hopefully she will not see this as me doing anything ‘wrong’ but just letting her know the option is there if she feels she wants or needs it

Just be sure you are ready for any outcome. "Hopefully" she will understand. But what if she doesn't? Whatever one's view of the idea, it is certainly a drastic step and very unconventional. You need to be prepared for her not taking it well. Think this out carefully and understand that it could help the marriage, or it could bring about it's end.

You are the one who knows your wife best. I'll defer to your judgement. Just make sure this is really the best solution you can think of and a course you want to take before doing anything. It's a risk. Even if she agrees to it, it's still a risk. Just don't want to see it backfire on you so please me careful.