fear of intimacy

[bunnie annie]

I came out as a lesbian last year after going through internalized homophobia that affected me a lot. And I started dating a lesbian girl from my school who already has much more experience than me and isn't afraid to openly say she's a lesbian. 

I had never dated before her, and she had already had girlfriends long before me. This sometimes makes me insecure, but I try to control my jealousy because she tries to reassure me by saying she only has eyes for me.

The beginning of our relationship was very slow, even getting to our first kiss. Now she wants to be more intimate with me (sex). Just to be clear, I was never sexually abused to have such a strong aversion to being intimate with her. The first time we tried was extremely frustrating, I couldn't get wet, and watching her try was quite embarrassing, but she said she could wait until I was ready. But she keeps wanting to touch my body and suggesting we be alone in her room. 

I can't imagine myself being intimate with anyone, it's strange and disgusting to me. Sometimes it seems like she doesn't understand that I'm not that into sex. I've even thought I might be asexual, but I'm not sure. What should I do?

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, bunnie annie said:

I can't imagine myself being intimate with anyone, it's strange and disgusting to me

It's also possible that you haven't yet met anyone you feel a natural desire for. 

I get that you are fond of this woman you are dating now, but perhaps you just aren't that attracted to her in a romantic sense. 

7 minutes ago, bunnie annie said:

But she keeps wanting to touch my body and suggesting we be alone in her room. 

Does she live at home? How old are the two of you? This might make a big differnce in terms of being ready for sex in general. 

[bunnie annie]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Ela mora com os pais? Quantos anos vocês têm?

She lives with her mom who is never home, and we are 17 years old.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, bunnie annie said:

She lives with her mom who is never home, and we are 17 years old.

This is why I asked. 

You are very young. Yes, some teens are already sexually active, but many are nowhere near ready for sex. It likely isn't a fear of intimacy but a reflection of how young you are. I think at this point you are just not ready, which is normal.  At 17, nobody is that experienced yet. Don't feel pressured into sexual intimacy when you are not mentally or physically ready for it. 

 

[lemonicetea]

I think you might not be emotionally ready for sex. Don’t feel bad. I know there’s no way I would have been ready for sex when I was 17. Also you could be asexual or demisexual. Also your girlfriend is only 17 too, so I doubt she is really that experienced. 

[Els]

You are still in school and 17 is very young. You don't need to feel pressured to have sex at all. If you're not ready then you're not ready, and anyone who genuinely cares about you will understand that. 

[ShySoul]

No one at that age is truly ready for sex, even if you have experience. There are all kinds of emotions and concerns that get brought up. You are still in the process of discovering yourself on an emotional and intellectually level, let alone a physical one.

You are experiencing your first romantic relationship. That by itself is scary and takes time to adjust to. Add in that there is the added complication of it being lesbian and it's understandable you are nervous. You are still adjusting to liking girls. Going further might not be something you are ready for yet. And that's fine.

Try to go easy on yourself. There is no rush to do more. If your partner cares for you, she will be understanding and not push you further than you are ready for. Just enjoy being together. Be honest with her if you would rather not do something or it makes you uncomfortable. When you put less pressure on yourself for something and can just be with someone, these things will happen naturally when it's time.