Need outsiders opinion please help

[playedandgaslit]

My partner’s words and actions don’t match and I don’t know if I’m overthinking or ignoring obvious sign

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TL;DR: Been seeing a woman I’ve known since we were teenagers. We officially got together again last year but her behaviour feels secretive and inconsistent. I don’t know whether to keep trying, confront things differently, or walk away.

I’m 31M and she’s 31F. We originally dated briefly when we were about 14-15, then reconnected last October and started seeing each other again.

Since then I’ve only physically seen her around 5 times despite living fairly close. She regularly says she’ll come see me and then cancels or no-shows. She never sees me outside of work hours and won’t talk on the phone after work hours either.

A major thing that bothered me was the father of her daughter showing up at my house with two other people saying they were still together. She denied it and reassured me, but it obviously planted doubt in my head.

There have also been multiple situations where I expected basic emotional support from a partner and didn’t get it. My grandmother, who I was extremely close to and lived with my whole life, died recently and she barely spoke to me during that time. On my birthday she only spent around 20 minutes with me. I was also in hospital for 4 days only about 15 minutes from where she lives and she never visited.

Another thing that keeps confusing me is social media. Twice now, right after making the relationship public on Facebook, she suddenly either deactivated or blocked me on that account. The second time she said she was deleting her long-term Facebook account and making a new one immediately after changing the relationship status.

Whenever I raise concerns she tells me she loves me, wants a future with me, and that I’m overthinking things. But the overall pattern keeps making me feel like something isn’t right.

I’m trying to look at this objectively because I know anxiety and insecurity can make people paranoid sometimes. At the same time, I also feel like actions matter more than words.

How would other people approach this situation? Is this the kind of thing where direct communication and boundaries could realistically fix things, or does this sound more like a relationship where the behaviour itself is already the answer?

[basil67]

She's not meeting your needs on a number of levels, so to me the answer is as simple as breaking up with her.

[MsJayne]

She's all about herself. You've seen her five times in six months, that's not a relationship, which is good because it sounds like she's already in a relationship. She must be very good looking because otherwise I can't see why you'd put up with the nothingness of her. Find someone available, and avoid women with kids who have no boundaries with past partners. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, playedandgaslit said:

I’m trying to look at this objectively because I know anxiety and insecurity can make people paranoid sometimes.

Insecurity and fear of being alone can also make us cling to dead-ends, which is what you are doing here. 

10 hours ago, playedandgaslit said:

A major thing that bothered me was the father of her daughter showing up at my house with two other people saying they were still together.

Well, yeah. It's quite obvious this woman is not single. You didn't even need these people coming to your house to tell you that - all the signs were already there.

Please get away from this person. Work on your self-worth so you don't wind up in this sort of situation ever again. You have allowed this to go on for far too long. 

[playedandgaslit]

Thanks all of u I told her no more and now am going no contact