lemonicetea Posted May 8 Posted May 8 A part of me wants to get back into dating but one issue I’ve always had is that the kinds of men that I attract almost always have mental or emotional problems. At the risk of sounding like an awful person, I decided that unless it is extremely mild I don’t want to have a romantic relationship to someone who is neurodivergent. I know not all neurodivergent people are like this, but in my expirence a lot of them have issues with regulating emotions, lack social awareness, and have obsessive behaviors. Like I’m afraid my emotional needs are not going to be met with someone is who is on the spectrum or who has an intellectual disability. Also I had someone in my past use autism as an excuse for mental, emotional, and verbal abuse towards me. And yes I know not everyone with autism is like this but it still makes me very wary. What I want to know if this is a common issue. If not, any ideas on why this may be happening? When I was a teenager, a therapist suggested that I might have Asperger’s (this was before it was rolled into autism) but I don’t think I was ever officially diagnosed. I’m not trying to sound arrogant, but I feel like I’m much higher functioning (like socially and emotionally) than the majority of the guys who want to date me are. Could that be the problem?
ExpatInItaly Posted May 8 Posted May 8 29 minutes ago, lemonicetea said: one issue I’ve always had is that the kinds of men that I attract almost always have mental or emotional problems How do you usuallly met men?
Author lemonicetea Posted May 8 Author Posted May 8 31 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: How do you usuallly met men? These days, it would be dating apps. And just to be clear I haven’t been on a date with every guy who shows interest in me.
FredEire Posted May 8 Posted May 8 Well sometimes you are drawn to the similarities in people. Ive never been formally diagnosed with ADHD but I relate to all the symptoms and a lot of my family has it, as well as the vast majority of my close friends. So it's probably not a coincidence haha. Autism unfortunately is a difficult one in all kinds of relationships. Obviously you could date a neurotypical guy but why is it that you aren't meeting more of them? Do you think you might suffer from some communication difficulties yourself? Is there any kind of trend in dates with guys on the spectrum from more neurotypical guys? I think if youre dating a guy on the spectrum he has to be consciously working through issues that come up, and communicate it if something is difficult for him to manage or if wires get crossed. There are plenty of people out there with all sorts of disabilities who consciously work on themselves and their relationships with others but plenty too unfortunately who let it burden themselves and other.
Author lemonicetea Posted May 8 Author Posted May 8 3 hours ago, FredEire said: Autism unfortunately is a difficult one in all kinds of relationships. Obviously you could date a neurotypical guy but why is it that you aren't meeting more of them? Do you think you might suffer from some communication difficulties yourself? Is there any kind of trend in dates with guys on the spectrum from more neurotypical guys? I think if youre dating a guy on the spectrum he has to be consciously working through issues that come up, and communicate it if something is difficult for him to manage or if wires get crossed. There are plenty of people out there with all sorts of disabilities who consciously work on themselves and their relationships with others but plenty too unfortunately who let it burden themselves and other. I guess I am kind of reserved and introverted. I’m great at one on one conversations or professional situations, but I do have difficulties jumping into conversations with large groups. About a year ago I did go on a date with a guy with autism. Even though he seemed like a pretty nice guy and I did enjoy talking with him, I had to call our second date off because he was constantly calling/texting me, telling everyone he knew about me and our date, and was literally on the verge of crying when he found out that I hadn’t told my parents about our first date (this was all within four or five days). I honestly debated on whether or not I should give him a second chance because he probably just didn’t know any better, but ultimately decided against it.
Els Posted May 9 Posted May 9 I'm of the opinion that anyone has the right to set any preferences they wish for whom they are willing to date. It may end up reducing your dating pool, but if it only filters out people whom you wouldn't be compatible with anyway, it's not an issue. In your case I'm not sure how this can help. Not everyone is formally diagnosed, some people are formally misdiagnosed, the spectrum is very wide, and some people get better with treatment and therapy. Rather than make blanket statements like this, IMO it's better to just judge men on a person by person basis. If someone feels like he's not meeting your emotional needs, then it doesn't matter if he's neurodivergent, he's not right for you. Similarly, if someone does meet your emotional needs, then does the diagnosis matter? 1
ShySoul Posted May 10 Posted May 10 I'm of the belief that we should take each person on their own and not group people together under any kind of label. I wouldn't automatically eliminate one person because of past bad experiences I had with someone who they shared some characteristic in common with. They aren't that person and your relationship with them may be completely different. Ultimately it's learning to read he person you are with and seeing if they make you feel comfortable and fulfilled. Dating in general means you are going to meet plenty of people who aren't compatible for any number of reasons. Finding that one person who you connect with that strongly on all levels is rare, which is why it is so special. Neurodivergent or not, most of us have mental and emotional issues and scars. The question is how do we deal with them. The ones who make excuses and treat you poor aren't the ones for you. If someone treats you well and shows a willingness to work through the inevitable issues that come up, why not give them a chance regardless of some label? In the end, it's about being with someone who makes you happy.
Sanch62 Posted May 11 Posted May 11 We're each entitled to define our own dealbreakers. These are private and do not require anyone else's permission--they're not political statements, they're practical ways of screening out people we don't find attractive. I see no reason to put off dating altogether when dating itself is a screening process. If you meet someone who doesn't attract you or won't meet your desired vision of a good partner, you don't need to define why, you can just stop dating him. 2
smackie9 Posted May 17 Posted May 17 This should never be about them......you are to put your wants, needs and expectations first. Why would you feel you had any obligation to these men that contact you? You have all the power my dear. You chose who you want to meet. I get it, these dating apps do not provide the best of choices. I suggest you try other avenues to meet men, like though a hobby, events, friends, family, etc. 1
Author lemonicetea Posted May 18 Author Posted May 18 12 hours ago, smackie9 said: I suggest you try other avenues to meet men, like though a hobby, events, friends, family, etc. This is something I see a lot of people saying but I’m just like “how?”. Maybe this works for more extroverted outgoing people, but I seriously don’t know how to approach someone in public and start making small talk in a way that isn’t awkward or forced. Just to be clear I’m not poo-pooing your idea, as I totally see why people would say that. It’s just that I’m not sure it really works for introverts.
Gebidozo Posted May 18 Posted May 18 40 minutes ago, lemonicetea said: This is something I see a lot of people saying but I’m just like “how?”. Maybe this works for more extroverted outgoing people, but I seriously don’t know how to approach someone in public and start making small talk in a way that isn’t awkward or forced. Just to be clear I’m not poo-pooing your idea, as I totally see why people would say that. It’s just that I’m not sure it really works for introverts. Why would it be awkward or forced to strike a conversation with a person who shares your hobbies and interests? It’s easy to find something to talk about even with complete strangers. It’s not about being extroverted, I’m introverted to the point that I may literally get headaches in a company of three or more people. You can be an introvert and still be genuinely interested in things, and if you’re interested in something you can always try to discuss it with another person and see where it takes you.
Author lemonicetea Posted May 18 Author Posted May 18 11 hours ago, Gebidozo said: Why would it be awkward or forced to strike a conversation with a person who shares your hobbies and interests? It’s easy to find something to talk about even with complete strangers. It’s not about being extroverted, I’m introverted to the point that I may literally get headaches in a company of three or more people. You can be an introvert and still be genuinely interested in things, and if you’re interested in something you can always try to discuss it with another person and see where it takes you. I guess maybe it depends on the situation. Like maybe it wouldn’t be too bad if I was in some kind of club, but I was thinking about events. For example, I like to go to gemstone fairs. Basically at these things there are tons of booths selling gemstones, minerals, jewelry, etc and there are literally hundreds if not thousands of patrons. Theres just no way I could walk up to someone shopping for a necklace for their mom and ask them what their favorite gemstone is without coming across as weird (at least in my mind).
Gebidozo Posted May 19 Posted May 19 11 hours ago, lemonicetea said: Theres just no way I could walk up to someone shopping for a necklace for their mom and ask them what their favorite gemstone is without coming across as weird (at least in my mind). There is absolutely nothing weird in asking a gemstone-related question at a gemstone-related event. If you saw a guy buying gemstones for his mother and asked him about his penis size - now that would be weird. Try to be less self-conscious and just practice conversations with different people. What’s the worst that can happen?
FredEire Posted May 21 Posted May 21 On 5/19/2026 at 3:17 AM, Gebidozo said: There is absolutely nothing weird in asking a gemstone-related question at a gemstone-related event. If you saw a guy buying gemstones for his mother and asked him about his penis size - now that would be weird. Try to be less self-conscious and just practice conversations with different people. What’s the worst that can happen? In fairness I see endless comments on here if the genders are reversed saying you shouldn't bother someone when they're just shopping, it's creepy and they might call security etc. I agree with you and really don't see the issue unless someone is making lude comments or not taking the hint if someone gives a short reply etc, but sparking up conversations in public is almost a taboo these days.
Author lemonicetea Posted May 22 Author Posted May 22 7 hours ago, FredEire said: I agree with you and really don't see the issue unless someone is making lude comments or not taking the hint if someone gives a short reply etc, but sparking up conversations in public is almost a taboo these days. I don’t know if I would say it’s taboo, but I know in all my years of going to the gemstone fairs (as a specific example) I have never once ever had another patron approach me and start making small talk. Yeah, yeah I know I could always be the one to buck the trend, but I think I need to be more outgoing and less reserved. Side note, but I never understood how a conversation with a stranger is supposed to go from “What’s your favorite cut of Diamond” to “want to get coffee sometime” naturally and in a matter of a few minutes.
Gebidozo Posted May 22 Posted May 22 11 hours ago, lemonicetea said: Side note, but I never understood how a conversation with a stranger is supposed to go from “What’s your favorite cut of Diamond” to “want to get coffee sometime” naturally and in a matter of a few minutes. It’s not supposed to go there, but it might go there. Sometimes people click, sometimes they don’t. If they do, the wanting to get coffee will pop up naturally. If they don’t, no harm done, just friendly banter. You’ll never know until you try. 2
smackie9 Posted May 24 Posted May 24 On 5/17/2026 at 7:02 PM, lemonicetea said: This is something I see a lot of people saying but I’m just like “how?”. Maybe this works for more extroverted outgoing people, but I seriously don’t know how to approach someone in public and start making small talk in a way that isn’t awkward or forced. Just to be clear I’m not poo-pooing your idea, as I totally see why people would say that. It’s just that I’m not sure it really works for introverts. No introverts still go out in public to places they are comfortable with, possibly with a group or friend and socialize that way, still make an effort. If you can't bring yourself to go out at all around people, that's an anxiety disorder, not an introvert. I think the next place to start is ask for help from a healthcare professional. Get counselling and if needed prescribed medication....it can be life changing. 1
Author lemonicetea Posted May 26 Author Posted May 26 On 5/24/2026 at 10:58 AM, smackie9 said: No introverts still go out in public to places they are comfortable with, possibly with a group or friend and socialize that way, still make an effort. If you can't bring yourself to go out at all around people, that's an anxiety disorder, not an introvert. I think the next place to start is ask for help from a healthcare professional. Get counselling and if needed prescribed medication....it can be life changing. I can certainly go out in public and be around other people. However, I can’t seem to give much more than a friendly smile to other people.
basil67 Posted May 26 Posted May 26 (edited) On 5/22/2026 at 11:03 AM, lemonicetea said: Side note, but I never understood how a conversation with a stranger is supposed to go from “What’s your favorite cut of Diamond” to “want to get coffee sometime” naturally and in a matter of a few minutes. It happens when you click with someone and the conversation starts flowing so easily. I once got involved in a discussion with my grocer and another customer. The customer and I finished our purchases and walked down the street together still talking easily until he had to go another direction. Had I been single, I would have said "I really enjoyed talking with you. Would you like to catch up again sometime?" But I wasn't single Also, I am an introvert. Introverts are people who enjoy the company of others, but find it wears them out. Extroverts are people who enjoy the company of others, and find being with others energising. Not being comfortable talking with others is perhaps shy or awkward or just want to be alone Edited May 26 by basil67 1
Author lemonicetea Posted May 26 Author Posted May 26 18 hours ago, basil67 said: Also, I am an introvert. Introverts are people who enjoy the company of others, but find it wears them out. Extroverts are people who enjoy the company of others, and find being with others energising. Not being comfortable talking with others is perhaps shy or awkward or just want to be alone Maybe it is more of me being awkward than being an introvert. Like I don’t have any problems with talking to people in professional settings (I.e. my job). Maybe this is something I need to work on.
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