Is this a common problem?

[lemonicetea]

A part of me wants to get back into dating but one issue I’ve always had is that the kinds of men that I attract almost always have mental or emotional problems. At the risk of sounding like an awful person, I decided that unless it is extremely mild I don’t want to have a romantic relationship to someone who is neurodivergent. I know not all neurodivergent people are like this, but in my expirence a lot of them have issues with regulating emotions, lack social awareness, and have obsessive behaviors. Like I’m afraid my emotional needs are not going to be met with someone is who is on the spectrum or who has an intellectual disability. Also I had someone in my past use autism as an excuse for mental, emotional, and verbal abuse towards me. And yes I know not everyone with autism is like this but it still makes me very wary.
 

What I want to know if this is a common issue. If not, any ideas on why this may be happening?  When I was a teenager, a therapist suggested that I might have Asperger’s (this was before it was rolled into autism) but I don’t think I was ever officially diagnosed. I’m not trying to sound arrogant, but I feel like I’m much higher functioning (like socially and emotionally) than the majority of the guys who want to date me are. Could that be the problem?  

[ExpatInItaly]

29 minutes ago, lemonicetea said:

one issue I’ve always had is that the kinds of men that I attract almost always have mental or emotional problems

How do you usuallly met men?

[lemonicetea]

31 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How do you usuallly met men?

These days, it would be dating apps. And just to be clear I haven’t been on a date with every guy who shows interest in me. 

[FredEire]

Well sometimes you are drawn to the similarities in people. Ive never been formally diagnosed with ADHD but I relate to all the symptoms and a lot of my family has it, as well as the vast majority of my close friends. So it's probably not a coincidence haha.

Autism unfortunately is a difficult one in all kinds of relationships. Obviously you could date a neurotypical guy but why is it that you aren't meeting more of them? Do you think you might suffer from some communication difficulties yourself? Is there any kind of trend in dates with guys on the spectrum from more neurotypical guys?

I think if youre dating a guy on the spectrum he has to be consciously working through issues that come up, and communicate it if something is difficult for him to manage or if wires get crossed. There are plenty of people out there with all sorts of disabilities who consciously work on themselves and their relationships with others but plenty too unfortunately who let it burden themselves and other.

[lemonicetea]

3 hours ago, FredEire said:

Autism unfortunately is a difficult one in all kinds of relationships. Obviously you could date a neurotypical guy but why is it that you aren't meeting more of them? Do you think you might suffer from some communication difficulties yourself? Is there any kind of trend in dates with guys on the spectrum from more neurotypical guys?

I think if youre dating a guy on the spectrum he has to be consciously working through issues that come up, and communicate it if something is difficult for him to manage or if wires get crossed. There are plenty of people out there with all sorts of disabilities who consciously work on themselves and their relationships with others but plenty too unfortunately who let it burden themselves and other.

I guess I am kind of reserved and introverted. I’m great at one on one conversations or professional situations, but I do have difficulties jumping into conversations with large groups. 
 

About a year ago I did go on a date with a guy with autism. Even though he seemed like a pretty nice guy and I did enjoy talking with him, I had to call our second date off because he was constantly calling/texting me, telling everyone he knew about me and our date, and was literally on the verge of crying when he found out that I hadn’t told my parents about our first date (this was all within four or five days). I honestly debated on whether or not I should give him a second chance because he probably just didn’t know any better, but ultimately decided against it. 

[Els]

I'm of the opinion that anyone has the right to set any preferences they wish for whom they are willing to date. It may end up reducing your dating pool, but if it only filters out people whom you wouldn't be compatible with anyway, it's not an issue.

In your case I'm not sure how this can help. Not everyone is formally diagnosed, some people are formally misdiagnosed, the spectrum is very wide, and some people get better with treatment and therapy. Rather than make blanket statements like this, IMO it's better to just judge men on a person by person basis. If someone feels like he's not meeting your emotional needs, then it doesn't matter if he's neurodivergent, he's not right for you. Similarly, if someone does meet your emotional needs, then does the diagnosis matter?

[ShySoul]

I'm of the belief that we should take each person on their own and not group people together under any kind of label. I wouldn't automatically eliminate one person because of past bad experiences I had with someone who they shared some characteristic in common with. They aren't that person and your relationship with them may be completely different.

Ultimately it's learning to read he person you are with and seeing if they make you feel comfortable and fulfilled. Dating in general means you are going to meet plenty of people who aren't compatible for any number of reasons. Finding that one person who you connect with that strongly on all levels is rare, which is why it is so special. Neurodivergent or not, most of us have mental and emotional issues and scars. The question is how do we deal with them. The ones who make excuses and treat you poor aren't the ones for you. If someone treats you well and shows a willingness to work through the inevitable issues that come up, why not give them a chance regardless of some label? In the end, it's about being with someone who makes you happy.

[Sanch62]

We're each entitled to define our own dealbreakers. These are private and do not require anyone else's permission--they're not political statements, they're practical ways of screening out people we don't find attractive.

I see no reason to put off dating altogether when dating itself is a screening process. If you meet someone who doesn't attract you or won't meet your desired vision of a good partner, you don't need to define why, you can just stop dating him.