Hurting and maybe ghosted?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Yorkiboy said:

ive gave everything and treat her the total opposite to her ex

But understand that she is not an emotionally healthy partner, either. She stayed in a toxic dynamic for a long time, and allowed it to continue. Whatever threats he made, however pressured she felt - it takes two to tango. She wasn't truly ready for another relationship if her ex is this involved in her life and essentially dictates what she does. 

I don't doubt it's hard on her. But she also doesn't sound ready to really let go of him either and do what she needs to do to get him out of her life. Has she filed for divorce? Notified the police that he is harrassing her at work? If so, what was the outcome? If not, why not? 

[Gebidozo]

My goodness.

You can’t have a relationship with a person who allows herself to be bullied by an ex and lives in a perpetual fear of him. Such a person needs to be in therapy until they are able to overcome the trauma.

I don’t understand why you let yourself be in a 3 year relationship with someone who is clearly not at all free of her traumatic past in the first place.

It absolutely doesn’t matter why she left, though I’m 99% sure it’s simply because she gave in to her fear and abuse by that man. He probably threatened her again and demanded that she breaks up with you.

 

[Yorkiboy]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But understand that she is not an emotionally healthy partner, either. She stayed in a toxic dynamic for a long time, and allowed it to continue. Whatever threats he made, however pressured she felt - it takes two to tango. She wasn't truly ready for another relationship if her ex is this involved in her life and essentially dictates what she does. 

I don't doubt it's hard on her. But she also doesn't sound ready to really let go of him either and do what she needs to do to get him out of her life. Has she filed for divorce? Notified the police that he is harrassing her at work? If so, what was the outcome? If not, why not? 

Nope, she just gives in to him, to save arguments,   she does post alot of vids abour her past trauma etc, saying how she is free from abuse and whatnot, shes told her managers at work about him too

[Yorkiboy]

10 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

My goodness.

You can’t have a relationship with a person who allows herself to be bullied by an ex and lives in a perpetual fear of him. Such a person needs to be in therapy until they are able to overcome the trauma.

I don’t understand why you let yourself be in a 3 year relationship with someone who is clearly not at all free of her traumatic past in the first place.

It absolutely doesn’t matter why she left, though I’m 99% sure it’s simply because she gave in to her fear and abuse by that man. He probably threatened her again and demanded that she breaks up with you.

 

I fell inlove with her and wanted to give her a better life,  simple as that, and deep down i hoped she would eventually pull away from the ex and be happy with me. 

I dont know if he has something to do with what happened, i cant get any explanation, a i know is she has suddenly shut her boyfriend out of 3 years, just like that, like i dont even matter, and that hurts

[Carlston]

With all that ex drama it's rather surprising you got 3 years out of her.

 

[Gebidozo]

15 minutes ago, Yorkiboy said:

I fell inlove with her and wanted to give her a better life,  simple as that, and deep down i hoped she would eventually pull away from the ex and be happy with me. 

Relationships 101:

1. You can’t fix someone else’s life, they have to do it themselves.

2. Never enter a relationship with unhealthy dynamics hoping that they will eventually go away.

 

16 minutes ago, Yorkiboy said:

I dont know if he has something to do with what happened, i cant get any explanation, a i know is she has suddenly shut her boyfriend out of 3 years, just like that, like i dont even matter, and that hurts

The more surprising part is how this relationship even lasted 3 years to begin with.

[Yorkiboy]

8 minutes ago, Carlston said:

With all that ex drama it's rather surprising you got 3 years out of her.

 

Agree, until he followed she was alot happier, maybe this is why she just crashed,  its all got too much for her

[Yorkiboy]

2 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Relationships 101:

1. You can’t fix someone else’s life, they have to do it themselves.

2. Never enter a relationship with unhealthy dynamics hoping that they will eventually go away.

 

The more surprising part is how this relationship even lasted 3 years to begin with.

She seemed genuinely happy, despite the ex, like planning our next holiday etc, things might have just been buildimg up inside snd shes finally cracked, as much as ive over thought things, like is there someone else, why hasnt she removed me off socials etc, this could be the reason, i just dont know, all i know is this really isnt like her but i do deserve something, not just shut out like this

[Gebidozo]

1 minute ago, Yorkiboy said:

She seemed genuinely happy, despite the ex, like planning our next holiday etc, things might have just been buildimg up inside snd shes finally cracked, as much as ive over thought things, like is there someone else, why hasnt she removed me off socials etc, this could be the reason, i just dont know, all i know is this really isnt like her but i do deserve something, not just shut out like this

This has nothing to do with deserving anything.

She isn’t over her traumas and she isn’t ready to be in a normal, healthy relationship.

[Yorkiboy]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

This has nothing to do with deserving anything.

She isn’t over her traumas and she isn’t ready to be in a normal, healthy relationship.

You are probably right, but being left like this isnt nice on me, not knowing anything and just shut out like i dont matter,  i dont believe for a minute she would intentionally hurt me or ghost me but its what she is doing,  and theres nothing i can do apart from somehow just get through this,  3 and half weeks since her last phonr call, which wehad daily for 3 years and niw nothing, it doesnt feel normal and im still expecting her fo ring, just wished it would all go away so i can actually function

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Yorkiboy said:

Nope, she just gives in to him, to save arguments,

And quite possibly also because she isn't really ready to let go of him, either.

He can be toxic and awful but she still remains married to him. That is a serious red flag. She doesn't appear to have made any real move to formally end the marriage and my sense is that it's not just due to her fear of backlash from him. I very much suspect she isn't emotionally ready to admit the marriage is over and maybe is still holding out hope that he will change. 

I agree with the others that I am surprised this relationship lasted 3 years. She has not treated you well here at all, that is true. But it sounds as though you need to do some reflecting about how many red flags about her you've been minimizing. 

[Yorkiboy]

21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And quite possibly also because she isn't really ready to let go of him, either.

He can be toxic and awful but she still remains married to him. That is a serious red flag. She doesn't appear to have made any real move to formally end the marriage and my sense is that it's not just due to her fear of backlash from him. I very much suspect she isn't emotionally ready to admit the marriage is over and maybe is still holding out hope that he will change. 

I agree with the others that I am surprised this relationship lasted 3 years. She has not treated you well here at all, that is true. But it sounds as though you need to do some reflecting about how many red flags about her you've been minimizing. 

Ive never really seen many red flags, well regarding how she treat me, always kind, loving, affectionate,  but when we werent together she was controlled, the amount of times sgw has rang me crying because of what hes said or done, shes told me a million times she doesnt love him, hes even tried to get her to live with him recently, saying she can stop in the daughters room, she point blank refused,  she hates him, shes shown me everything he messages so i really dont know. 

On the flip side it feels like shes instantly stopped loving me, and that hurts so much, left without answers,  nothing to me makes sense in my head. 

I can only leave her alone and try move forward, its just so hard, will she contact me ever again, i dont know, but that hope needs to disappear, and quickly. 

Nothing feels real right now, apart from the hurt. 

Edit, they werent ever married, just together for 20 years, we both laughed and joked about marriage and kids many times because its what we both wanted in the end

 

Edited 14 hours ago by Yorkiboy

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, Yorkiboy said:

Ive never really seen many red flags, well regarding how she treat me, always kind, loving, affectionate,  but when we werent together she was controlled, the amount of times sgw has rang me crying because of what hes said or done

These are the red flags you missed. I don't know how you didn't see this as a major indicator that she wasn't available to be fully present as a healthy partner to you, to be very honest. 

She's still far too enmeshed with this man and always has been. The fact that there is no formal marriage to dissolve yet she continues to allow him in her life like this is even worse. She could much more easily (logisitically) keep him away from her given they don't need to go through an actual divorce - yet she isn't doing that. 

8 minutes ago, Yorkiboy said:

she hates him

Yet she is very attached to him. If she weren't, he wouldn't be able to cause this much emotional turmoil in her life. 

9 minutes ago, Yorkiboy said:

we both laughed and joked about marriage and kids many times because its what we both wanted in the end

And given that she was never married to this man, you two could have moved well beyond the "joking" stage by now and moved closer to that sort of commitment. But it doesn't seem you had. If you're still only joking and laughing about marriage after 3 years and haven't had more concrete or serious discussions about it, it's usually because one or both parties is not convinced it's right for them. My guess in this case is that it was her holding back, not you.

She is too wrapped up and not at all healed from her ex. Please brace yourself to hear news you didn't want to hear about them. I have a bad feeling you might hear that she's decided to give that another chance. 

 

[Yorkiboy]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

These are the red flags you missed. I don't know how you didn't see this as a major indicator that she wasn't available to be fully present as a healthy partner to you, to be very honest. 

She's still far too enmeshed with this man and always has been. The fact that there is no formal marriage to dissolve yet she continues to allow him in her life like this is even worse. She could much more easily (logisitically) keep him away from her given they don't need to go through an actual divorce - yet she isn't doing that. 

Yet she is very attached to him. If she weren't, he wouldn't be able to cause this much emotional turmoil in her life. 

And given that she was never married to this man, you two could have moved well beyond the "joking" stage by now and moved closer to that sort of commitment. But it doesn't seem you had. If you're still only joking and laughing about marriage after 3 years and haven't had more concrete or serious discussions about it, it's usually because one or both parties is not convinced it's right for them. My guess in this case is that it was her holding back, not you.

She is too wrapped up and not at all healed from her ex. Please brace yourself to hear news you didn't want to hear about them. I have a bad feeling you might hear that she's decided to give that another chance. 

 

That thought has crossed my mind about her going back, i just highly doubt it, but i could be wrong. She has told me many times that once her daughter is old enough she no longer has to speak to him,   i once told her that if he ever moves to where she lives then it will ruin us, she said it wont. 

And yes, those are red flags, i just ignored them because i thought things with me and her would just click and we would live happily ever after. 

In reality i do believe all this is something to do with the ex and not theres someone else or she has fallen out of love,  theres not much i can do now, i gave all i can, treat her the best i can, and if she chooses to live in fear and control then its her choice, that doesnt stop the hurt or me missing her, what i thought we had was real. 

Venting all this is also kinda helping too

Randomly i used google ai for insights, basically put all hers and our story in, her texts to me, what shes posting, and it all comes down to something called vogal shutdown, probs spelt that wrong, and it all points to her ex, hectic 6 day per week work life etc. 

Again, theres nothing i can other than ride the pain, and i know it will last a long time

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Yorkiboy said:

that doesnt stop the hurt or me missing her, what i thought we had was real. 

Yes, that is understandable. 

It was a big shock to your system and the way she has handled it is terrible. It says a lot about her. 

[Yorkiboy]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, that is understandable. 

It was a big shock to your system and the way she has handled it is terrible. It says a lot about her. 

Agree, and she never accross as a person that could just cut me off like that. 

My mind is mess at the min,  i get thoughts like does she even miss me, love me, is she struggling to eat and sleep like me.. Just wish these thoughts would go away. 

[ExpatInItaly]

As difficult as these thoughts are, keep them in mind if she pops back up again. 

Remember how she treated you here and how poorly she handled all of this. It's a miserable to way to treat someone, let alone the man she's been datinf for 3 years. 

She isn't your future. It will take time to heal and accept, but this is your cue that she is not the one for you. 

[Yorkiboy]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

As difficult as these thoughts are, keep them in mind if she pops back up again. 

Remember how she treated you here and how poorly she handled all of this. It's a miserable to way to treat someone, let alone the man she's been datinf for 3 years. 

She isn't your future. It will take time to heal and accept, but this is your cue that she is not the one for you. 

Its awful the way she has handled this and its pure mental tortue,  the longer her silence goes on the more ill resent her,  im still fresh in a sense of hurting so my emotions are all over. 

If it is the ex that has caused all this then we wont have a future until shes fully away from him, i know that now. 

Im just doing all i can to push through each day, missing her lots and it hurts lots, but i have got rid of all my socials etc so i dont have to see her

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, Yorkiboy said:

If it is the ex that has caused all this then we wont have a future until shes fully away from him, i know that now. 

I know it's difficult to consider it now, but I would urge you to rethink a future with her regardless. She is showing you how much respect she has for you and your feelings. 

She is someone who will turn and run and refuse to communicate. People like this make horrible partners and I can nearly guarantee you she would do it again. 

[Yorkiboy]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I know it's difficult to consider it now, but I would urge you to rethink a future with her regardless. She is showing you how much respect she has for you and your feelings. 

She is someone who will turn and run and refuse to communicate. People like this make horrible partners and I can nearly guarantee you she would do it again. 

In all honesty,  i never thought she could do this, ever, but now she has, its becoming unforgivable, no matter how much i love her right now,  bottom line is, theres literally nothing i can do anymore, ive been the best boyfriend i can, treat her the best i can so i know none of this is about me. 

Shes broken

[flitzanu]

if he's still abusing and harassing her in this manner, she should be going to the police.

[Carlston]

46 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

if he's still abusing and harassing her in this manner, she should be going to the police.

Irrelevant