Hurting and maybe ghosted?

[Yorkiboy]

Ive been with my gf for almost 3 years, both in our 40s too, our relationship has been amazing tbh, never had1 single argument, had 2 holidays abroad, 1 which was very recent.

Due to us living over an hour apart and both working alot we didnt see each other as much as we would like, but we made it work, we had 2 to 3 phone calls per day, literally, for all the time we have been together.

We got back off our holiday abroad around 6 weeks ago, it was amazing, i booked our 3rd too, which we was both excited about, anyway, for the next 3 weeks we spoke on the phone daily, everything mormal, as always, until 3 weeks ago, she rang as normal, our chat was normal, and her last words were 'ill ring u later, love you'.. Thats the last time ive heard her voice.

Over the next week id text her a couple of times, stating im worried etc, she eventually got back to me saying she was overwhelmed, shut down, no time for anything or anyone, i text back but i never got a reply. A week later i text her again, thanking her for an amazing 3 years, but its too much for me, so can she say if she wants to be with me or not, i basically got the same reply, overwhelmed, shutdown etc, this happened before too and lasted 3 days, i text back asking if she loves me, but no reply.

So 2 days ago i text again just saying i accept you dont want to be with me, i do love you and you know where i am, ive had no reply She hasnt removed me off any social medias or anything and does repost videos about shutting down and needs to be in silence. As i know her, this just isnt like her at all, i believe she would tell me if she wanted to end it, not ignore and ghost me.

She does have a very hectic life at home, a controlling abusive ex wbo she was with for 20 years, we got together a year after she left him, he still controlls her too as they have kids together, she has a very demamding job, and is living back at her mothers which is not good.

Im just so hurt and lost, 6 weeks ago we was holding hands and going out for meals on our holiday, and her last words were 'i love you'.. I think i just need advice

[Carlston]

19 minutes ago, Yorkiboy said:

So 2 days ago i text again just saying i accept you dont want to be with me, i do love you and you know where i am, ive had no reply

This is where it got cringeworthy.

Just stop.

 

[Yorkiboy]

Just now, Carlston said:

This is where it got cringeworthy.

Just stop.

 

I have, i wont message again

[Carlston]

Good. There will be tough moments. You may convince yourself you "only want the answers you deserve".

 

[Yorkiboy]

1 minute ago, Carlston said:

Good. There will be tough moments. You may convince yourself you "only want the answers you deserve".

 

Its really tough as there were zero signs of anything,  im just hurting so bad and confused, ive no clue where i or we stand, if she is in a bad place or ghosting me,  but i said my peace, ive deleted her number and all socials off my phone too, just, 3 years, gone, out of nowhere

[Carlston]

I suggest you come up with 3 acceptable reasons and figure it's one of those and start the slow process of moving ahead without her.

Here's a few to help get you started

1- She's got mental problems and it's obliterating any sense of rational thought and the pressure of a relationship, any relationship is too much to bear

2- She met another guy. It was sudden, unexpected but there he was and there you weren't

3- I can't think of a 3

[Yorkiboy]

1 minute ago, Carlston said:

I suggest you come up with 3 acceptable reasons and figure it's one of those and start the slow process of moving ahead without her.

Here's a few to help get you started

1- She's got mental problems and it's obliterating any sense of rational thought and the pressure of a relationship, any relationship is too much to bear

2- She met another guy. It was sudden, unexpected but there he was and there you weren't

3- I can't think of a 3

Ive thought of many reasons lol,  the only 1 thats sticking is the silence makes me thinks she doesnt wanna to be with me, regardless of why,  and theres nothing i can do about it

[Carlston]

That's good, you're already at the regardless part and that's rapid progress.

 

[Yorkiboy]

Just now, Carlston said:

That's good, you're already at the regardless part and that's rapid progress.

 

Doesnt stop the hurt though lol, i think the pain is more of the fact that everything seemed normal so im just confused, but in my head it feels like she doesnt wanna be with me, hence why ive deleted everything and moved all her stuff, ive got lots of her clothes, passport,, and oyr holiday thats booked im not going to cancel it yet, i need a clear head

[Carlston]

Don't make any major decisions right away that don't have to be made.

Let cool heads prevail.

 

[Carlston]

If it was me here's what I'd be doing:

As you have already started, put all her stuff together in one out of the way place in preparation for eventually returning it but don't actually make plans to return it to her quite yet. Leave the burden to her, at least for now. 

Check cancelation rules for your impending holiday and think about going yourself especially if you've taken time off of work, and you can't get a refund. It might be just what you need.

Spend some time at a gym you'd be amazed at what a good workout can do for your mental state and any anxiety you might be experiencing. 

If you're focusing on the "whys" then try to focus on other things rather than the circular non productive reasoning that naturally tends to happen in such situations. 

 

 

[Yorkiboy]

1 hour ago, Carlston said:

If it was me here's what I'd be doing:

As you have already started, put all her stuff together in one out of the way place in preparation for eventually returning it but don't actually make plans to return it to her quite yet. Leave the burden to her, at least for now. 

Check cancelation rules for your impending holiday and think about going yourself especially if you've taken time off of work, and you can't get a refund. It might be just what you need.

Spend some time at a gym you'd be amazed at what a good workout can do for your mental state and any anxiety you might be experiencing. 

If you're focusing on the "whys" then try to focus on other things rather than the circular non productive reasoning that naturally tends to happen in such situations. 

 

 

Ive got plenty of time to cancel the holiday, i need to have a better mindset too before i cancel, plus i honestly dont know whats actually happening, im trying to accept she doesnt want to be with me due to this silence, even though ive asked a couple of times to say if she doesnt want to be with me, she just doesnt answer or says shes overwhelmed, shut down etc,  ive took day off work today beacuse its my 2nd day off in 41 days and im physically and mentally on zero,  ive not had time to process anything and all ive done is over think

[Carlston]

48 minutes ago, Yorkiboy said:

ive asked a couple of times to say if she doesnt want to be with me,

This is the worst thing a potential dumpee can do. 

First of all, it's weak and unattractive and if the dumper is on the fence it can be the fatal blow.

Secondly, when a dumper looks back at how they acted when they were dumped it's going to do a real job on their self respect and closely related, their self esteem. 

You need to get to a place where you aren't so affected by a person you've known for 3 years that they're completely incapacitating you.

 

[Yorkiboy]

3 minutes ago, Carlston said:

This is the worst thing a potential dumpee can do. 

First of all, it's weak and unattractive and if the dumper is on the fence it can be the fatal blow.

Secondly, when a dumper looks back at how they acted when they were dumped it's going to do a real job on their self respect and closely related, their self esteem. 

You need to get to a place where you aren't so affected by a person you've known for 3 years that they're completely incapacitating you.

 

Yup i agree, i just panicked cos all this is out of character for her,  and i assumed the worst, as much as nothing adds up or makes sense theres nothing i can do, other than try move forward, no matter the reason for this silence, ive done way too much looking for answers, and i wont get any unless she decides to contact me

[Carlston]

1 minute ago, Yorkiboy said:

Yup i agree, i just panicked cos all this is out of character for her 

You panicked because you suddenly experienced an unexpected and unexplained loss and realized you have no control over a person who (at least for the moment) has a lot of control over you.

 

Edited 22 hours ago by Carlston

[Yorkiboy]

Just now, Carlston said:

You panicked because you suddenly experienced an unexpected and unexplained loss. 

Yup, especially after her last words on the phone, as far as i knew we was fine

[Carlston]

1 minute ago, Yorkiboy said:

Yup, especially after her last words on the phone, as far as i knew we was fine

This sort of thing happens all the time, sometimes it's much worse. It's "I love you and let's go shopping to wedding rings" to "I need space". 

People are fickle, they're selfish, they're dishonest, they're always looking out for number one before anyone else including their partner and if they have doubts they might not even be honest with themselves until they suddenly get to the point that the reality of what they don't want anymore is staring them right in the face.

Be glad you don't have a house and kids with her. That happens all the time too.

 

[Yorkiboy]

2 hours ago, Carlston said:

This sort of thing happens all the time, sometimes it's much worse. It's "I love you and let's go shopping to wedding rings" to "I need space". 

People are fickle, they're selfish, they're dishonest, they're always looking out for number one before anyone else including their partner and if they have doubts they might not even be honest with themselves until they suddenly get to the point that the reality of what they don't want anymore is staring them right in the face.

Be glad you don't have a house and kids with her. That happens all the time too.

 

Ive thought that too, if she hadnt shared shared videos about shut downs, overwhelm etc then that could be 1 answer, i suppose ill never know,  it literally could be anything and only her knows, the not removing me also plays a part, again that could mean anything,  ive sent myself crazy thinking about everything, im trying to stop, its just hard

[Carlston]

54 minutes ago, Yorkiboy said:

ive sent myself crazy thinking about everything, im trying to stop, its just hard

You're not the first relationship partner to be dumped, and you won't be the last. We all get through it one way or another, some sooner, some later.

It may help to think back to 3 years ago before you met her. You were ok then, you'll be ok again. 

It may also help to consider that even she might not know why her feelings changed, sometimes it just happens, people fall out of love. Or it's nothing to do with you whatsoever and she just can't deal with life in general let alone a relationship.

 

[Yorkiboy]

1 minute ago, Carlston said:

You're not the first relationship partner to be dumped, and you won't be the last. We all get through it one way or another, some sooner, some later.

It may help to think back to 3 years ago before you met her. You were ok then, you'll be ok again. 

It may also help to consider that even she might not know why her feelings changed, sometimes it just happens, people fall out of love. Or it's nothing to do with you whatsoever and she just can't deal with life in general let alone a relationship.

 

Ive no clue, crazy to think the woman i trusted and fell inlove with, took on holidays, dates etc, hasnt even got the stomach to tell me its over, id even be happy at that,  would hurt like but still its something,  i got over a 3 year relationship before when i was younger, i was cheated on, now im older this 1 feels different,  i thought she was the 1,  guess not,  im full of anger at the minute because it feels like she has literally ghosted me, knows its killing me and cant even say a word

[Carlston]

5 minutes ago, Yorkiboy said:

think the woman i trusted and fell inlove with, took on holidays, dates etc, hasnt even got the stomach to tell me its ove

It happens all the time. A person wants out and the formerly most important thing in their lives with whom they shared countless special occasions is thrown away like yesterday's news.

She's probably hurting, feeling some loss, and possibly even doubting her decision but it's never as bad for the dumper as they control the situation.

 

 

 

[Yorkiboy]

4 minutes ago, Carlston said:

It happens all the time. A person wants out and the formerly most important thing in their lives with whom they shared countless special occasions is thrown away like yesterday's news.

She's probably hurting, feeling some loss, and possibly even doubting her decision but it's never as bad for the dumper as they control the situation.

 

 

 

I definately feel like ive just been discarded, its not fair on me, i did everything i could and here i am, the 1 that has to suffer,  what was hard for me was trusting another person after getting cheated on in 2012, she was the 1st person ive trusted, never once doubted her, and then this,  i dont even know if ill be able to trust a woman again

[Carlston]

3 minutes ago, Yorkiboy said:

i dont even know if ill be able to trust a woman again

Again, and at the risk of being repetitive, we've all gone through this and feel the same.

Well most of us. We don't marry the first person we meet, there are lots of relationships in between and they are usually ended by one person.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry this has happened, OP. 

The way she has gone about this is abysmal. There is a difference between needing space in a relationship, and shutting the other person out and not communicating with them properly about it. People who do the latter are not really relationship material. Even if she circles back around, I would strongly encourage you to avoid this person. She has shown you very clearly that she is reckless with your feelings and irresponsible with your heart. 

You said her ex-husband still controls her - in which ways? What is the backstory there? 

[Yorkiboy]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm sorry this has happened, OP. 

The way she has gone about this is abysmal. There is a difference between needing space in a relationship, and shutting the other person out and not communicating with them properly about it. People who do the latter are not really relationship material. Even if she circles back around, I would strongly encourage you to avoid this person. She has shown you very clearly that she is reckless with your feelings and irresponsible with your heart. 

You said her ex-husband still controls her - in which ways? What is the backstory there? 

She was with him for 20 years, 3 kids together,  he controlled and abused her, from taking all her money to stopping her doing things, he cheated on her multiple times,  1 day sge panicked and just left abd went to her mothers, 3 hours away, this is when we met, around a year later he followd her abd moved to her area. 

During the time before he followed her she got a job, new friends etc, she was happy, we was happy,  everytjme he wants or needs something she has to give ir it causes problems,  big arguments, he threatnens her saying she cant see the kids etc or takes it out on the eldest son. This is basically daily too. 

After our 1st holiday abroad he saw my profile picture of us both, he found out where she worked, phoned them up and tried getting her fired,  over the next 12 months things are the same, can he have, borrow, can you do this and that, if she refuses she gets abuse off him. 

Our recent holiday, 6 weeks ago or so, he saw a pic of us both, and instantly started messaging saying he was going to get her fired again etc, this made her cry on our 1st day of the holiday, during the holiday it was the same, can i have, can you do this etc, and she gives in etc just to save arguments. 

After the holiday,  we was fine, daily phone calls etc, nothing seemed off, but i do remember our last phone call, she mentioned sonething about getting them a cooker, its not for him, its for the kids, then it was ill ring you later, love you... Thats the last ive heard. 

Also, she never posts on social media, ever, refuses to goto events incase someome tags ger in a photo, all incase he sees, even though hes blocked. 

Im broken inside,, so bad, 3 years just gone like that, ive gave everything and treat her the total opposite to her ex