I had a falling out with the man I’m dating, should I try to fix things

[Anonymous]

I (25 f) , have been on dating apps for a few months. I met a guy 32, on dating apps and we’ve been seeing eachother for about 3 weeks. He’s been the first guy in a while I’ve seen potential in.

We’ve been out a few times, I like him, we have good conversations. He’s hardworking, forward thinking , confident, open , honest and funny. He picks me up in his car, always opens the door for me, always insists on paying. He’s currently renovating his house and even spoke about me potentially moving in in future. He’s moving quick but I believe his intentions are honourable.

One thing that’s bothered me is his bedroom performance. We did things on our 4th date, and it was fine. Next time we did things, he kept going soft, performance wasn’t great- not judging him though.

He has told me he has phimosis , and is getting circumcised abroad later this month. We've had a bit of a falling out and I don’t  even know whether he’ll even speak to me again after this.

Basically , he hasn’t been to see the specialist doctor yet about this, he is going abroad to get the surgery done. He’s had a few traumatic things happen in his past e.g see his sister get abused sexually by his dad, and also once had a bad injury down there which apparently caused a painful bubble on his foreskin which is part of the reason he wants it removed. I’m kind of against him doing that until he’s seen a urologist and explored other options as to be honest I’ve heard of the negative side effects and don’t want him to regret it. He can retract his foreskin, but says it gets tight when he’s hard and that is uncomfortable. He doesn’t want to use creams to help loosen it more either. It’s his body his choice , but I prefer him to not have the op until he’s at least seen a urologist.

I was feeling abit disappointed that he hadn’t solved this isssue before he used the dating app. He even offered I go abroad with him whilst he has the op. We've been going out no longer than 3 weeks. He asked if I still want to see him, I told him I just need a day to think about it. I’m being empathetic to this issue, I just don’t want him to regret it.

He told me he’s looking for someone more sensitive , and we left eachother on a low note. So he might just block me outright and I might not ever even hear from him again. I do really like him, and I don’t know if I’m being silly. If I stop seeing him, I definitely think I’d be losing a good thing. It’s just disappointing when you meet someone to find out performance isn’t great, plus I’m worried that the op won’t even cure it, what if it’s something else and he gets it for no reason.

Should I support him during this time? Am I being insensitive?

[Gebidozo]

If I were him I’d say the same thing, that I’m looking for someone more sensitive and empathetic.

[Sony12]

No offense OP but you are lucky the guy has been as nice to you as he has been. You don't become that critical over a guy's performance and penis after only three weeks of dating. With that attitude I sure hope you are a supermodel and look perfect without any clothes on. Most guys would be telling you to get the hell out of their house after bringing something like that up after only going on a few dates. 

You want to be that critical over a guy's body that quickly then pay for a male gigolo to come over.

[Anonymous]

Just now, Sony12 said:

No offense OP but you are lucky the guy has been as nice to you as he has been. You don't become that critical over a guy's performance and penis after only three weeks of dating. With that attitude I sure hope you are a supermodel and look perfect without any clothes on. Most guys would be telling you to get the hell out of their house after bringing something like that up after only going on a few dates. 

You want to be that critical over a guy's body that quickly then pay for a male gigolo to come over.

I didn’t say anything bad about his performance to him as I didn’t want to hurt him, I was trying to be very supportive in person , I was mentioning it here for context 

[Sony12]

24 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I didn’t say anything bad about his performance to him as I didn’t want to hurt him, I was trying to be very supportive in person , I was mentioning it here for context 

You clearly have raised an issue about it though or else he wouldn't be explaining the situation in such detail to a lady he has only seen a few times and he wouldn't be saying things like 'do you still want to see me' and 'I want to find someone more sensitive'.

If you don't really find him all that attractive when you two are being intimate you don't bring it up at all until you two are practically married. You make the best of the situation that you can while it is going on and if he asks you out again you simply say something like 'I don't feel the chemistry'.

[Imogen_77]

Maybe give him a few days to simmer down. If he wants the surgery, that’s up to him; it’s a standard fix for phimosis and should help him out. I don’t think you were being insensitive at all (unless I missed something in your OP) ….. you were just looking out for him by suggesting a urologist first. Is there a reason he’s looking abroad specifically? It seems a lot easier to start with a local specialist and go from there. Either way, it’s his body and his call, but your suggestion came from a good place.

[Redarrow91]

1 hour ago, Imogen_77 said:

Maybe give him a few days to simmer down. If he wants the surgery, that’s up to him; it’s a standard fix for phimosis and should help him out. I don’t think you were being insensitive at all (unless I missed something in your OP) ….. you were just looking out for him by suggesting a urologist first. Is there a reason he’s looking abroad specifically? It seems a lot easier to start with a local specialist and go from there. Either way, it’s his body and his call, but your suggestion came from a good place.

Thanks, I’m definitely looking out for him, and it’s his call at the end of the day. I’m just worried that’s not the problem and he has the surgery for no reason. It sounds selfish , but I want to have a good sex life. He’s looking abroad as it’s cheaper to get it done overseas,

[ShyViolet]

13 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I’m kind of against him doing that until he’s seen a urologist and explored other options as to be honest I’ve heard of the negative side effects and don’t want him to regret it.

Umm what?  What makes you think you have the right to weigh in on his medical decisions when this is a guy you've been seeing for three weeks?  

[Imogen_77]

@ShyViolet Nahhhh …… I don’t think it’s that big of a deal…If you’re seeing someone, even if it’s only been a few weeks, and you’re already talking about something this personal, like a medical issue, then yeah, the other person is going to have an opinion……. You don’t get to share all the details and then suddenly expect the other person to stay completely silent. Also, he’s the one who brought her into it…..He even suggested she come with him for the procedure. So clearly her input isn’t some wild overstep. And let’s be real, if they’re talking about renovating a house and potentially moving in together, this isn’t some casual, no-strings situation. Of course she’s going to care and speak up. She’s not deciding for him. She’s just saying “maybe talk to another doctor first,” which is probably the most reasonable take in this whole situation. A random coworker would do the same.

[Sony12]

56 minutes ago, Imogen_77 said:

@ShyViolet Nahhhh …… I don’t think it’s that big of a deal…If you’re seeing someone, even if it’s only been a few weeks, and you’re already talking about something this personal, like a medical issue, then yeah, the other person is going to have an opinion……. You don’t get to share all the details and then suddenly expect the other person to stay completely silent. Also, he’s the one who brought her into it…..He even suggested she come with him for the procedure. So clearly her input isn’t some wild overstep. And let’s be real, if they’re talking about renovating a house and potentially moving in together, this isn’t some casual, no-strings situation. Of course she’s going to care and speak up. She’s not deciding for him. She’s just saying “maybe talk to another doctor first,” which is probably the most reasonable take in this whole situation. A random coworker would do the same.

 

You need to remember we are hearing this from the OP's side. Not his. We don't really know how much he wanted to share with her.Did he want to share all that info with her or did he just do it because she created an issue out of it? It does seem she overstepped her bounds a bit or else they wouldn't be in a situation after only a few weeks where he is telling her that he wants to find someone more sensitive and the OP is questioning if she will even hear from him again.

Edited April 5 by Sony12

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Imogen_77 said:

@ShyVioletAnd let’s be real, if they’re talking about renovating a house and potentially moving in together, this isn’t some casual, no-strings situation. Of course she’s going to care and speak up.

As if it's remotely normal to be talking about renovating a house and moving in together, when they've known each other three weeks?  Are you serious?

[Imogen_77]

14 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

As if it's remotely normal to be talking about renovating a house and moving in together, when they've known each other three weeks?  Are you serious?

Hey, yeah it’s a little early. I give you that….. but I mean nothing wrong about floating around ideas …. no big deal if it’s just a thought - but at the same time if somebody has a health issue and shares those concerns with the other person, I don’t think it’s a big deal to chime in on that &  give opinions on what they think might be the best solution. That was my point all along. It’s just one person caring about the other person. That’s the way it should be.

[Sony12]

Yes and there is a big difference between actually wanting someone to move in and just making an off the cuff statement about potentially moving in sometime in the future. I'm guessing she may have taken that statement by him more seriously than she should have.

Edited April 5 by Sony12

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, Imogen_77 said:

Hey, yeah it’s a little early. I give you that….. but I mean nothing wrong about floating around ideas …. no big deal if it’s just a thought - but at the same time if somebody has a health issue and shares those concerns with the other person, I don’t think it’s a big deal to chime in on that &  give opinions on what they think might be the best solution. That was my point all along. It’s just one person caring about the other person. That’s the way it should be.

Nothing wrong with floating around ideas about where things could one day lead but such conversations shouldn't be taken that seriously. Basically all it means is that if we continue to get along one day we might move in together.

[Imogen_77]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

 

You need to remember we are hearing this from the OP's side. Not his. We don't really know how much he wanted to share with her.Did he want to share all that info with her or did he just do it because she created an issue out of it? It does seem she overstepped her bounds a bit or else they wouldn't be in a situation after only a few weeks where he is telling her that he wants to find someone more sensitive and the OP is questioning if she will even hear from him again.

Look, we’re never going to get the full story from both sides because only one of them is actually here. So I’m going off what she told us—and based on that, she seems completely reasonable. She comes across like a good person who’s acting out of care, not spite, and just wants what’s best for him. So what exactly is your point? Why are you even arguing with me about this?

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, Imogen_77 said:

Look, we’re never going to get the full story from both sides because only one of them is actually here. So I’m going off what she told us—and based on that, she seems completely reasonable. She comes across like a good person who’s acting out of care, not spite, and just wants what’s best for him. So what exactly is your point? Why are you even arguing with me about this?

Because it's not real normal to make an issue out of a person's genitalia area. Especially when you have only been on a few dates with them. If she likes guys who are well endowed and doesn't want to date guys who aren't then she just needs to quietly break up with them if they don't have what she likes. Not get them to the point to where they tell her things such as 'they need to find someone who is more sensitive'.

[Imogen_77]

28 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Because it's not real normal to make an issue out of a person's genitalia area. Especially when you have only been on a few dates with them. If she likes guys who are well endowed and doesn't want to date guys who aren't then she just needs to quietly break up with them if they don't have what she likes. Not get them to the point to where they tell her things such as 'they need to find someone who is more sensitive'.

People need to learn how to read. He brought it up himself, including the surgery. Jesus.

[Sony12]

21 minutes ago, Imogen_77 said:

People need to learn how to read. He brought it up himself, including the surgery. Jesus.

And that is her version of the story. If you want to take her version of the story as a 100% fact that is up to you. But her version of the story where she is being a supportive partner and he is telling her these things 100% by his own choice falls apart a bit when after only a few weeks he is telling her he needs a more sensitive individual and that he might just decide to block her and never talk to her again. He wouldn't do that unless she pissed him off a bit.

[Acacia98]

OP, this is all too much for people who've been dating for only 3 weeks. Frankly, I agree with you that he should have addressed the medical issue before he joined the dating app. He shouldn't be asking for your opinion on the matter because it's his body and life at the end of the day. He needs to make decisions that he will have to live with for the rest of his life whether or not you are part of that life down the road. Including you in the process was a bad idea on his part. And going along with that inclusion was a bad idea on your part. Talking about you moving in was also a bad idea.

To me, this all suggests that he doesn't have healthy boundaries. The fact that you went along with it suggests you also don't have healthy boundaries. And because you both rushed the emotional intimacy with all this talk about moving in and getting operations when you didn't have much of a foundation to begin with, I think you both set yourselves up to have a conflict and an eventual falling out. If, for some reason, you manage to reconcile afterwards, I would strongly advise that you either have a sensible conversation about slowing things down and what appropriate boundaries look like for two near strangers who are getting to know each other or break things off. Frankly, I'm leaning strongly towards the latter option.

Edited April 5 by Acacia98

[Anonymous]

10 hours ago, Imogen_77 said:

@ShyViolet Nahhhh …… I don’t think it’s that big of a deal…If you’re seeing someone, even if it’s only been a few weeks, and you’re already talking about something this personal, like a medical issue, then yeah, the other person is going to have an opinion……. You don’t get to share all the details and then suddenly expect the other person to stay completely silent. Also, he’s the one who brought her into it…..He even suggested she come with him for the procedure. So clearly her input isn’t some wild overstep. And let’s be real, if they’re talking about renovating a house and potentially moving in together, this isn’t some casual, no-strings situation. Of course she’s going to care and speak up. She’s not deciding for him. She’s just saying “maybe talk to another doctor first,” which is probably the most reasonable take in this whole situation. A random coworker would do the same.

This is exactly what I feel, and exactly what happened. He was very open to sharing details, and he was moving very fast talking about moving in with me.

Something bad happened yesterday. We met up to talk about it. In his car he asked to see eachothers phones, and asked if I’d been speaking to/been on a date with any other men. I didn’t show him my phone but was honest and showed him a platonic text from some guy who I used to date, asking me how I was etc. I only showed it to be honest and wasn’t flirting. He went crazy at me, shouting, calling me disrespectful. I was shaking at home and still feel rough the next day. I have blocked him on everything 

[Interstellar]

9 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

As if it's remotely normal to be talking about renovating a house and moving in together, when they've known each other three weeks?  Are you serious?

I think the main issue here is that the guy got way too serious, way too fast. Plenty of men do this, I know because I’m a guy lol and I’m not beating up on this guy but he shouldn’t be discussing personal health issues with somebody who’s practically a complete stranger. They’ve only been seeing each other for three weeks and he slept with her too soon instead of taking his time and let things fall naturally.

[Sony12]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

This is exactly what I feel, and exactly what happened. He was very open to sharing details, and he was moving very fast talking about moving in with me.

Something bad happened yesterday. We met up to talk about it. In his car he asked to see eachothers phones, and asked if I’d been speaking to/been on a date with any other men. I didn’t show him my phone but was honest and showed him a platonic text from some guy who I used to date, asking me how I was etc. I only showed it to be honest and wasn’t flirting. He went crazy at me, shouting, calling me disrespectful. I was shaking at home and still feel rough the next day. I have blocked him on everything 

Yes this is an indication that neither one of you have very good boundaries and neither one of you really know what's appropriate and not appropriate to discuss with each other regarding dating and sex.

Sure if you two had been dating for six months to a year and had mutually agreed to become exclusive then talking about it and asking those questions and sharing that info would be appropriate. But you guys have only known each other for a few weeks. At the beginning of March you didn't even know yet that the other existed. There is absolutely no need after only a few weeks of dating to go to such detail with each other. He shouldn't be asking yet who you are talking too and you shouldn't be showing him info like that that makes it kind of look like you are rubbing it in his nose. It's almost like both of you want to try to excelerate the dating process and act like you are far more serious with each other then you really are.

You two need to completely part ways and instead of going on other dates with others you need to learn how to better communicate with the opposite sex. And for you that includes learning where the appropriate boundaries are and when is the appropriate time to share info and your opinions with them.

At only three weeks of dating you two should have merely given each other a text saying it's been fun but I don't think the chemistry between us is real good. Not meet up to discuss things and ask if you have been talking to other people and then outright showing them a text you had with another person. That is absolutely not necessary and not really appropriate after only three weeks of dating.

Edited April 5 by Sony12

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, Interstellar said:

I think the main issue here is that the guy got way too serious, way too fast. Plenty of men do this, I know because I’m a guy lol and I’m not beating up on this guy but he shouldn’t be discussing personal health issues with somebody who’s practically a complete stranger. They’ve only been seeing each other for three weeks and he slept with her too soon instead of taking his time and let things fall naturally.

Nothing at all wrong with having sex that early. Lots of people have sex on the first,v second, or third date. The sex isn't the issue. The issue definitely is though the things that both of them chose to share with each other that soon. That is not needed. He shouldn't be sharing medical history and medical problems with his body that quickly and she shouldn't be giving her opinion to him about those things that quickly. They both need to learn how to communicate better with the opposite sex.

[Imogen_77]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

He went crazy at me, shouting, calling me disrespectful. I was shaking at home and still feel rough the next day. I have blocked him on everything 

How disrespectful on his part. I’m glad you got him blocked. I think that was the right thing.

[Carlston]

21 minutes ago, Imogen_77 said:

How disrespectful on his part.

You spelled controlling wrong.