alittlebitofdane Posted March 18 Posted March 18 I’m still trying to process my breakup and would really appreciate some outside perspective. My ex broke up with me last December, and this was actually the second time he’s broken up with me. For context, I’ve been living in this country for about 4 years on a visa through my job. My company is currently processing my permanent residency, which takes around 3–4 years. I also live alone—my family is in other states, hours away—and while I have a few friends, I mostly only see them at work. We were together throughout 2025. He’s in the military, so we were long distance the entire relationship. I visited him twice where he was stationed, and we spent time together when he came home. I met his family, and although he never met mine, they all knew about him. I genuinely like who he is as a person, but one issue was that he struggles to open up. He tends to deal with things on his own and doesn’t share much about what he’s going through. Around September, things started getting stressful for him because of uncertainty in the military—his roommate was being relocated, and he didn’t know where he would be stationed next. In October, he found out he would be staying in the same place for another year. After talking to his mom about it, he suddenly called me about 40 minutes later and broke up with me, saying he couldn’t handle another year of long distance. This completely blindsided me because we had been fine just hours before. About a week later, he called me to apologize. He said he had panicked, felt extremely lonely after his roommate left, and realized he had been depressed. He admitted he pushed me away because of it. He also told me about a military program called SkillBridge, which could allow him to leave as early as 6 months to transition into civilian life. He asked to get back together, and I agreed—but I told him he needed to communicate with me instead of shutting down when things get hard. Things were mostly good again, aside from a few normal arguments that we worked through. At the same time, I’ve been dealing with my own challenges. I don’t drive, and my parents never taught me, so I’ve been paying for lessons and even flying out to see family just to practice. I failed my driving test twice, which was really discouraging, but I was still determined to keep trying. When I called him crying after failing the second time, he got frustrated and said something hurtful. He later apologized, saying “there was some truth to it, but I’m sorry for being mean.” Then later that same night, he broke up with me again. He said that after talking to his mom about marriage and kids, he realized he’s not ready for that kind of commitment. What confused me even more is that just a week before this, he had brought up the idea of us getting married. His reasoning was that it would help close the distance, help me get permanent residency, and allow me to leave my toxic job. I told him I was open to the idea but not ready to seriously consider it at that moment given everything I was dealing with. He initially said he understood—but then still encouraged the idea, and I somewhat agreed. So when he broke up with me, it felt like a complete reversal. He also said he couldn’t wait for me to become more “stable” or be able to freely travel with him, and even told me that if I had passed my driving test the second time, we would have been “on the right track.” That really hurt, because I’ve been doing everything I can to improve my situation. What’s also confusing is that things he had previously said he was okay with in our relationship suddenly became reasons for breaking up. From my perspective, it feels like he was overwhelmed, struggling mentally, and ended up projecting that onto me and the relationship. But I’m still trying to make sense of it all. Am I missing something here, or does this seem like he was acting out of panic and inconsistency rather than actual long-term incompatibility?
Gebidozo Posted March 19 Posted March 19 1 hour ago, alittlebitofdane said: Am I missing something here, or does this seem like he was acting out of panic and inconsistency rather than actual long-term incompatibility? He was acting out of his wish to no longer be together with you. The causes of that desire are irrelevant. Whether he realized he didn’t love you enough (most likely), thought you were incompatible for a long term, panicked at the prospect of settling down, got affected by something other people told him, met someone else, or a combination of any or all of the above - he broke up with you. It’s over. He actually did it twice. Perhaps it in the future you shouldn’t be giving second chances to people who break up with you like that and then want to come back a week later. Get him out of your life and out of your thoughts, and start healing. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted March 19 Posted March 19 (edited) 6 hours ago, alittlebitofdane said: does this seem like he was acting out of panic and inconsistency rather than actual long-term incompatibility? Not really, no. It seems like he has known deep-down for a while that he doesn't see a future together but hasn't had the courage to tell you that directly. So he comes up with vairous other reasons and seems all over the map to mask the fact that he knows he isn't feeling it anymore. Perhaps he'd hoped that would change for him, that he might get his old feelings for you back - any number of things. But given that he's broken up with you twice now, it's safe to say that this relationship really needs to be over. I'm sorry. It hurts, but someone who can blow hot and cold like that isn't feeling strongly enough anymore to commit to you properly. It's going to be far better for you to accept that this guy is not the one and work on healing. Edited March 19 by ExpatInItaly
Herkamer63 Posted March 19 Posted March 19 (edited) Honestly, he might have, indirectly, done you a favor. Do not misunderstand, I respect and honor the people serving in the military. They keep our country safe, they sacrifice, and serve honorably. So as a disclaimer, our military has many good and respectable people within it. With that said, they face many of the same problems that normal civilians do. In some cases, probably even more, due to the stresses of the people they consider to be like family and the isolation of the people that were closest to him growing up. In addition to that, the fear of whoever it is they're seeing being unfaithful to them. I'm not saying you'll do that, and from what it sounds like you were very much into this man and no such thoughts. However, there has been so many cases of things like that happening and has a lot of service men and women on edge over it. Can't say I blame them, but at the same time, not everyone they're with will betray them like that. Now, let's talk about why it's not a good idea, in general, to go out with someone who's having mental problems. What I mean is if they're very abrupt, random, and irrational, not if they're going through hard times but working through it. What tends to happen is they'll give a sob story, get you to feel bad for them, while at the same time make very bad and illogical decisions. There may be times that you feel compelled to help them, but that creates more problems than it solves. Of course, on the flip side, when you don't help them, they may think you don't care or they may just want someone there to be an ear to vent into. [ ] So to the guy in your story, I wouldn't worry about trying to get back together with him. He sounds like he has a lot to sort out before getting together with anyone. Right now, take it as a sign that you have things on your end to get taken care of first. If you get your house in order, good things will happen. This guy, he may think if he has a gf that things will be better. Problem is when things don't go his way and you had nothing to do with it, I would think that's why he has broken up with you, just to have someone he can blame and take it out on, instead of owning the issues he has. You can respect what he's doing in service of his country and the stresses it brings, but it doesn't mean he's immune to bad decision making. He's still human, and sooner or later, if he wants things to get better, he's going to have to face his problems head on. Until then, I wouldn't get back together with him, if I were you. SO focus on you, and if a good guy comes along who doesn't have the problems, soldier or not, take him up on taking you out. Edited March 20 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic
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