Men: If you broke up with a girl but still had strong chemistry when you saw her again, why would you still choose not to continue seeing her?

[Shatteredcompletely]

Why would an ex say he’s still attracted and act affectionate in person after a breakup — even after I offered a casual arrangement — but still not want to keep seeing me?

He tried to cancel twice before we met, saying seeing me might make him question breaking up.

In person, chemistry was still intense — Conversation,  looks, touches, connection.

He said he’s not ready for a relationship now and wants to focus on his career.

So… if he’s still attracted and okay with casual, why is he acting distant and not taking the offer?

Longer story (for context):

• I dated a guy (26, three years younger, possibly avoidant) for about 2.5 months. The spark was immediate. He said he didn’t want to see anyone else on the first date and asked for exclusivity on the second, as we were very aligned in life goals and lifestyles.
• Only spent a few days together in person (mostly physical )before going long-distance.
• The first month of long distance felt cinematic: deep conversations, long-term plans, late-night long video calls, meeting families, even talking about moving together. He constantly said I was “the one.”
• Around six weeks in, he expressed concerns about my separation and ongoing connection with my ex. Some days conflicted, some days reassured.
• A week before I returned, he said he just wanted to slow down, but feelings hadn’t changed; ready to fully commit once my divorce was finalized.
• Two days before I arrived, he admitted struggling to feel connected without proximity and wanted to reassess in person after I confronted him
• The day after I arrived, he broke up over the phone: wanted to explore options before settling down; “right person, wrong timeline” due to my separation.
• I agreed to casually get to know him and asked to meet in person.
• He initially avoided meeting twice, worried seeing me would make him change his mind. Eventually, we did meet.

In-person:

• Chemistry was intense — affectionate touches, eye contact, physical and emotional connection.
• He said he felt connected but wasn’t ready for commitment; wanted to focus on career.
• He agreed to casual time together; when we kissed goodbye, he said we’d meet soon.
• He admitted going on dates the day after breaking up, though didn’t say if someone specific caught his interest when I asked specifically 

Current dynamic:

• Replies are short, neutral, delayed.
• Polite and agrees to calls but never initiates.
• Doesn’t engage when I leave the door open; speaks in past tense.
• Keeps access but puts in zero effort.

My question:

How can someone feel attracted, connected, and affectionate, yet be completely okay letting you disappear from their life — even when you remove pressure and offer casual arrangements?

Why say you still like somebody and keep complimenting them over the phone and in person if you're not even trying to keep them as an option? What's the point?

The only two explanations I can think of that he is not taking the option to keep casually seeing me are 

• Avoiding hurting me further because he knows I care deeply, and also to avoid future complications and internal conflict.
• Engaged with someone else he’s more interested in, so he doesn’t have time or motive for me.

What do you guys think?

I’ve been devastated lying in bed for two weeks, over-analyzing his motives, feeling shocked and confused. I would’ve moved on so much faster if he hadn’t acted like he still likes me while his actions show he clearly doesn’t want me — not even as a friend.

 

Edited yesterday at 12:25 AM by Shatteredcompletely

[Gebidozo]

Well, first things first - you’re still legally married, right?

Get a divorce first, then start planning things. Nobody will feel comfortable dating a person who is still married to someone else.

Second, long-distance relationships rarely work. Did you or he do anything regarding shortening that distance?

Third, it absolutely doesn’t matter that he is still attracted to you. He has made his choice, he doesn’t want a relationship with you and he is exploring other options.

I don’t know why he made that decision, but I’d make the same one if I were seeing a woman who isn’t in a hurry to divorce her husband.

[Shatteredcompletely]

6 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, first things first - you’re still legally married, right?

Get a divorce first, then start planning things. Nobody will feel comfortable dating a person who is still married to someone else.

Second, long-distance relationships rarely work. Did you or he do anything regarding shortening that distance?

Third, it absolutely doesn’t matter that he is still attracted to you. He has made his choice, he doesn’t want a relationship with you and he is exploring other options.

I don’t know why he made that decision, but I’d make the same one if I were seeing a woman who isn’t in a hurry to divorce her husband.

For your 2nd question, Yes, he broke up with me one day after I got back (We were long distance because I was away visiting family ), before we even got to see each other in person again. I am just so confused because ten days before he broke up with me, he still said he would be comfortable fully committing when I finalize my divorce. But when he broke up with me, I asked if he would commit again once I finalize everything. He said he's not sure. And now he doesn't even want to keep me in his life. Honestly I would have felt 100% OK if he said we would reconnect after my divorce. But right now, the issue isn't my divorce anymore.
 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Shatteredcompletely said:

How can someone feel attracted, connected, and affectionate, yet be completely okay letting you disappear from their life — even when you remove pressure and offer casual arrangements?

Quite simply? Because they are not as attracted or connected as they are saying. Someone who is okay letting you disappear is someone who is just not that into you. He also might be seeing someone else. Either way, this isn't someone who wants to be together. Rather than twisitng yourself in knots figuring out why, it would be wiser to start accepting that so you can move on. 

This was all way too much for 2.5 months anyway. Meeting families and talking about moving in so soon is a major red flag. It was fantasy-talk, not reality. This is compounded by the fact that you only spent a few days together in person. None of this was the foundation for a real relationship. Next time, don't get so carried away by the sparks and fantasy. Once all of that burns off, you are often left with nothing. 

[ShyViolet]

Over-analyzing his motives and obsessing over this is not going to get you anywhere or be a productive use of your time and energy.  The bottom line is that this man doesn't want any type of relationship with you, and you need to move on.  

15 hours ago, Shatteredcompletely said:

How can someone feel attracted, connected, and affectionate, yet be completely okay letting you disappear from their life — even when you remove pressure and offer casual arrangements?

This was the wrong move.  When he broke things off with you, your next move should not have been offering a casual arrangement.  It's like you were desperately trying anything to get him to want you.  That's not going to work, and it just makes you look clingy and pathetic.  If a man doesn't want to continue being with you, preserve your self-respect and walk away.  And yes it might be really hard for you to do that, but those feelings are something you need to deal with on your own.

[Imogen_77]

Sorry you’re going through this, and without knowing your situation, I really hope he wasn’t the reason for your (plans to) divorce.
Can it be that it felt safe for him as long as you were officially married? Now that you’re talking about divorcing for real, he might feel pressured into a relationship that he doesn’t want yet. I know this contradicts the fact that you have met family and friends, but people can delude themselves about a lot of things. Men included. I don’t think it’s you. It sounds like he really doesn’t want a relationship right now and I wouldn’t question the “focusing on work and career” explanation. Sounds legit. And I can relate.

My advice is to just back off for now and definitely don’t mention that “friends with benefits / loose sexual arrangement” proposal again. Things happen when we least expect them. So it’s probably best if you focus your effort somewhere else in the meantime. He might come around. 
 

Good luck!

[basil67]

He doesn't want casual.  He wants a fully available partner