Men: If you broke up with a girl but still had strong chemistry when you saw her again, why would you still choose not to continue seeing her?

[Shatteredcompletely]

Why would an ex say he’s still attracted and act affectionate in person after a breakup — even after I offered a casual arrangement — but still not want to keep seeing me?

He tried to cancel twice before we met, saying seeing me might make him question breaking up.

In person, chemistry was still intense — Conversation,  looks, touches, connection.

He said he’s not ready for a relationship now and wants to focus on his career.

So… if he’s still attracted and okay with casual, why is he acting distant and not taking the offer?

Longer story (for context):

• I dated a guy (26, three years younger, possibly avoidant) for about 2.5 months. The spark was immediate. He said he didn’t want to see anyone else on the first date and asked for exclusivity on the second, as we were very aligned in life goals and lifestyles.
• Only spent a few days together in person (mostly physical )before going long-distance.
• The first month of long distance felt cinematic: deep conversations, long-term plans, late-night long video calls, meeting families, even talking about moving together. He constantly said I was “the one.”
• Around six weeks in, he expressed concerns about my separation and ongoing connection with my ex. Some days conflicted, some days reassured.
• A week before I returned, he said he just wanted to slow down, but feelings hadn’t changed; ready to fully commit once my divorce was finalized.
• Two days before I arrived, he admitted struggling to feel connected without proximity and wanted to reassess in person after I confronted him
• The day after I arrived, he broke up over the phone: wanted to explore options before settling down; “right person, wrong timeline” due to my separation.
• I agreed to casually get to know him and asked to meet in person.
• He initially avoided meeting twice, worried seeing me would make him change his mind. Eventually, we did meet.

In-person:

• Chemistry was intense — affectionate touches, eye contact, physical and emotional connection.
• He said he felt connected but wasn’t ready for commitment; wanted to focus on career.
• He agreed to casual time together; when we kissed goodbye, he said we’d meet soon.
• He admitted going on dates the day after breaking up, though didn’t say if someone specific caught his interest when I asked specifically 

Current dynamic:

• Replies are short, neutral, delayed.
• Polite and agrees to calls but never initiates.
• Doesn’t engage when I leave the door open; speaks in past tense.
• Keeps access but puts in zero effort.

My question:

How can someone feel attracted, connected, and affectionate, yet be completely okay letting you disappear from their life — even when you remove pressure and offer casual arrangements?

Why say you still like somebody and keep complimenting them over the phone and in person if you're not even trying to keep them as an option? What's the point?

The only two explanations I can think of that he is not taking the option to keep casually seeing me are 

• Avoiding hurting me further because he knows I care deeply, and also to avoid future complications and internal conflict.
• Engaged with someone else he’s more interested in, so he doesn’t have time or motive for me.

What do you guys think?

I’ve been devastated lying in bed for two weeks, over-analyzing his motives, feeling shocked and confused. I would’ve moved on so much faster if he hadn’t acted like he still likes me while his actions show he clearly doesn’t want me — not even as a friend.

 

Edited March 7 by Shatteredcompletely

[Gebidozo]

Well, first things first - you’re still legally married, right?

Get a divorce first, then start planning things. Nobody will feel comfortable dating a person who is still married to someone else.

Second, long-distance relationships rarely work. Did you or he do anything regarding shortening that distance?

Third, it absolutely doesn’t matter that he is still attracted to you. He has made his choice, he doesn’t want a relationship with you and he is exploring other options.

I don’t know why he made that decision, but I’d make the same one if I were seeing a woman who isn’t in a hurry to divorce her husband.

[Shatteredcompletely]

6 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, first things first - you’re still legally married, right?

Get a divorce first, then start planning things. Nobody will feel comfortable dating a person who is still married to someone else.

Second, long-distance relationships rarely work. Did you or he do anything regarding shortening that distance?

Third, it absolutely doesn’t matter that he is still attracted to you. He has made his choice, he doesn’t want a relationship with you and he is exploring other options.

I don’t know why he made that decision, but I’d make the same one if I were seeing a woman who isn’t in a hurry to divorce her husband.

For your 2nd question, Yes, he broke up with me one day after I got back (We were long distance because I was away visiting family ), before we even got to see each other in person again. I am just so confused because ten days before he broke up with me, he still said he would be comfortable fully committing when I finalize my divorce. But when he broke up with me, I asked if he would commit again once I finalize everything. He said he's not sure. And now he doesn't even want to keep me in his life. Honestly I would have felt 100% OK if he said we would reconnect after my divorce. But right now, the issue isn't my divorce anymore.
 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Shatteredcompletely said:

How can someone feel attracted, connected, and affectionate, yet be completely okay letting you disappear from their life — even when you remove pressure and offer casual arrangements?

Quite simply? Because they are not as attracted or connected as they are saying. Someone who is okay letting you disappear is someone who is just not that into you. He also might be seeing someone else. Either way, this isn't someone who wants to be together. Rather than twisitng yourself in knots figuring out why, it would be wiser to start accepting that so you can move on. 

This was all way too much for 2.5 months anyway. Meeting families and talking about moving in so soon is a major red flag. It was fantasy-talk, not reality. This is compounded by the fact that you only spent a few days together in person. None of this was the foundation for a real relationship. Next time, don't get so carried away by the sparks and fantasy. Once all of that burns off, you are often left with nothing. 

[ShyViolet]

Over-analyzing his motives and obsessing over this is not going to get you anywhere or be a productive use of your time and energy.  The bottom line is that this man doesn't want any type of relationship with you, and you need to move on.  

15 hours ago, Shatteredcompletely said:

How can someone feel attracted, connected, and affectionate, yet be completely okay letting you disappear from their life — even when you remove pressure and offer casual arrangements?

This was the wrong move.  When he broke things off with you, your next move should not have been offering a casual arrangement.  It's like you were desperately trying anything to get him to want you.  That's not going to work, and it just makes you look clingy and pathetic.  If a man doesn't want to continue being with you, preserve your self-respect and walk away.  And yes it might be really hard for you to do that, but those feelings are something you need to deal with on your own.

[Imogen_77]

Sorry you’re going through this, and without knowing your situation, I really hope he wasn’t the reason for your (plans to) divorce.
Can it be that it felt safe for him as long as you were officially married? Now that you’re talking about divorcing for real, he might feel pressured into a relationship that he doesn’t want yet. I know this contradicts the fact that you have met family and friends, but people can delude themselves about a lot of things. Men included. I don’t think it’s you. It sounds like he really doesn’t want a relationship right now and I wouldn’t question the “focusing on work and career” explanation. Sounds legit. And I can relate.

My advice is to just back off for now and definitely don’t mention that “friends with benefits / loose sexual arrangement” proposal again. Things happen when we least expect them. So it’s probably best if you focus your effort somewhere else in the meantime. He might come around. 
 

Good luck!

[basil67]

He doesn't want casual.  He wants a fully available partner

[Shatteredcompletely]

16 hours ago, Imogen_77 said:

Sorry you’re going through this, and without knowing your situation, I really hope he wasn’t the reason for your (plans to) divorce.
Can it be that it felt safe for him as long as you were officially married? Now that you’re talking about divorcing for real, he might feel pressured into a relationship that he doesn’t want yet. I know this contradicts the fact that you have met family and friends, but people can delude themselves about a lot of things. Men included. I don’t think it’s you. It sounds like he really doesn’t want a relationship right now and I wouldn’t question the “focusing on work and career” explanation. Sounds legit. And I can relate.

My advice is to just back off for now and definitely don’t mention that “friends with benefits / loose sexual arrangement” proposal again. Things happen when we least expect them. So it’s probably best if you focus your effort somewhere else in the meantime. He might come around. 
 

Good luck!

No, I was already divorcing before I met him. He asked about it on our first date. But over time, he realized that my ex and I are still talking, staying friends, and living in the same house until April — and that made him uncomfortable. At this point, I just don’t know how much of this actually  is about my divorce situation anymore. Even on Valentine’s Day, he told me his concern was only about my divorce situation and definitely not about his feelings. And in just 10 days , he wasn’t sure about us anymore .

[Gebidozo]

10 minutes ago, Shatteredcompletely said:

No, I was already divorcing before I met him. He asked about it on our first date. But over time, he realized that my ex and I are still talking, staying friends, and living in the same house until April — and that made him uncomfortable. At this point, I just don’t know how much of this actually  is about my divorce situation anymore. Even on Valentine’s Day, he told me his concern was only about my divorce situation and definitely not about his feelings. And in just 10 days , he wasn’t sure about us anymore .

Well, your divorce situation might have affected his feelings.

The whole thing happened way too fast and was way too intense for a relationship that barely started and was long distance.

Add to that the fact that you were still literally living with your still-husband, and you have a recipe for something that isn’t bound to last.

 

[Imogen_77]

4 hours ago, Shatteredcompletely said:

At this point, I just don’t know how much of this actually  is about my divorce situation anymore.

I don’t think it is at all. But it’s a good excuse. 
He went on dates right after the breakup. That means, he’s interested in other women. Or maybe it’s one in particular. Given your rather short history with him, I’m guessing this could be an ex that came back. But it could be anyone, really. Your relationship had little substance, in my opinion. There wasn’t much there. It was too short. It sounds like you thought it had real potential, and it also sounds like he changed his mind. 

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, Shatteredcompletely said:

At this point, I just don’t know how much of this actually  is about my divorce situation anymore.

At this point, it doesn't really even matter. 

The bottom line is that he does not want a relationship with you, and this never really had the legs to last. Focus on processing your divorce, gettting back on your own two feet again, and then think about dating. Trying to do it the other way around is going to result in..well..this sort of mess. 

 

[introverted1]

Agree with all that's been written above.  It also could be that he is somewhat commitment phobic (on top of any legitimate concerns about your divorce). The pattern of rushing in with intense emotions only to back off in increments when things start to get real is pretty common. 

In any case, are you really in a position to be considering moving in with someone new when you are not even divorced? Have you taken the time to assess your marriage, your role in its breakdown, what you need to work on for the future, etc.?  The fact that you are a month away from being divorced but so focuses on a 2 month relationship suggests you have some introspecting to do.

[flitzanu]

"He said he’s not ready for a relationship now and wants to focus on his career."

 

this just means he doesn't want to date YOU.  

[basil67]

4 hours ago, flitzanu said:

"He said he’s not ready for a relationship now and wants to focus on his career."

 

this just means he doesn't want to date YOU.  

Yes, it's another version of "It's not you, it's me" 

I've certainly used this more than once in my past.  I found that if I give a real reason, they try to change my mind.