I (29M) don't know if I'm in a difficult relationship with my girlfriend (26F) or sabotaging a good one [long post]

March 4

I (29M) have been with my girlfriend (26F) for a year and a half, and we moved in together about six months ago. We met while I was attending an individual foreign language course where she was one of the teachers. The first three months were, I guess, a honeymoon phase — we visited each other often, talked about everything, and even went abroad together that early. It seemed perfect.

After that, things started to shift.

Before I get into it — I want to be upfront that I realize this is entirely my perspective, and she would probably tell some of this differently. I'm not writing this to build a case against her. She has real qualities, and I still have genuine feelings for her. If anything, I'm worried that by laying it all out like this I'm unconsciously gathering arguments to justify a decision I haven't fully admitted to myself yet. What I do know is that I'm not in a good place, and I needed to write it down.

There's one more thing worth saying upfront: I've learned that her only previous long-term relationship — since her teenage years — was with someone who had a serious alcohol problem. He would go out partying without her, she couldn't trust him, and she essentially had to manage everything herself and push him to do anything right. I think about this a lot, because it explains some of what I'm experiencing — the jealousy, the need for control, the difficulty trusting. These things don't come from nowhere. But I also find myself asking whether I'm the right person to be here while she works through it, and whether it will actually change. I'm not sure. What I do notice is that after the worst period — around the time we were supposed to move in together, and then when we actually did — something shifted in me. I don't feel good about our days and often feel like I'm forcing myself to be a good partner, to be happy to be there.

The pattern of reproaches

She began criticizing me regularly for everything even when Im really trying my best — for certain words I used, for being a few minutes late (we're talking 5 minutes max), for agreeing with someone else on a minor point instead of her, or for wanting to catch up with female friends (one friend lives abroad from my exchange studies, another lives here — neither was a romantic interest in any way). She even got upset when I spent a few minutes talking with her sister's boyfriend the first time we met, simply because the conversation topic wasn't something she was into. I had to text her regularly even when I'm at work (this has improved a bit and she tolerates now that I can be busy at work) or even when I'm studying with my phone away. It has happened that she got cold with me because I didn't reply within five minutes while I was spending time with my family after a long time apart — and it turned into an argument. This happened many times. If she were spending quality time with her family, I would be happy for her. If I'm spending time with mine, I was supposed to be replying. It often feels like my world must revolve around her.

Early on, I was surprised by this and genuinely tried to change — and I did, in many ways. Now I find myself replying to her messages while running, studying, doing anything, just to avoid conflict. Soon after the reproaches began I started defending myself instead, and that doesn't help either. I used to be very assertive, but I feel like I'm slowly losing that part of myself.

When I bring this up, she either says it's normal to argue in a relationship, or accuses me of trying to change her. Once she literally said: "That's just who I am — if you want a harmonious relationship, maybe I'm not the right person for you." Then she said she didn't mean it, and usually she says she's working on herself — and occasionally that does seem true. But I remember feeling genuinely relaxed after six days without an argument and realizing that hadn't happened in a long time. And I think the arguing stopped not because she has changed, but because I did — I'm trying to do everything carefully so as not to provoke her.

The children issue and religion

Around five months into the relationship she said she definitely wouldn't wait three years to have children, because I said that three years felt like a healthy timeline to really know you're both ready. We nearly broke up over it. The compromise was that we'd revisit it later. This is also tied to something broader: she comes from a Christian family, goes to church, and holds some traditional views — including around contraception. We had to navigate that from early on – with me making concessions mostly. I am an atheist from a non-religious family.

Honestly, I feel less ready now than I did then — because I feel like I'm still waiting to find the harmony I'd want as a foundation for that step. And because she's currently finishing a second degree (something she'd wanted to do for years and I encouraged her to pursue), I sense there's an unspoken deadline — that once she's done, it will be time to "settle." I'm still figuring out my own career direction and considering a PhD. That pressure doesn't help my sanity.

Jealousy and trust

She doesn't like me having contact with women generally — colleagues, friends, anyone. I've stopped mentioning conversations with female colleagues even when something interesting happens. She occasionally tells me I was looking at a random woman, usually one I genuinely didn't even notice.

One example: we went canoeing with a group of my friends, and there were also two women there — one with her partner, the other with a male friend. It was a hot day and I jumped into the water. To do that I took my shirt off. She got mad. I wasn't trying to show off, no one paid any attention, it was just a normal thing to do on a hot day on a river. But that was enough to get her angry.

Compatibility

I like to do many activities running, gym, pub quizzes, chess, hiking, studying and reading, learning languages, pop culture.. she doesn't share most of these interests, but still gets a bit irritated when I pursue them without her — and she doesn't really join in either. We can hike, but only for about two hours. I can't study for longer than about half an hour when we're together. We never played chess together and she thinks it's a nerdy thing. French language, which literally brought us together, now makes her roll her eyes when I use it — even to express something casually, or when I pause to think of a word.

Our conversations have narrowed — apart from talking about our days, she prefers talking about people and relationships, I like talking about almost anything. If I bring up something factual, she listens but doesn't engage. And, of course, If I say something wrong thing, we argue.

The things we genuinely enjoy together are the basics any couple does: movies, cooking, walks, cuddling. That's not nothing, but it feels like there should be a bigger connection.

There's also a pattern I'd call hypocritical, even if I don't like using that word. An example, when I mentioned I was thinking about getting a certificate to do official translations, she said I didn't have a C2 level — even though I have an English certificate and studied entirely in English. When I asked a couple of days later if she is sure to use English subtitles for a movie, she got upset, saying I was implying her English wasn't good enough — even though she's the one who usually says that about herself. I normally always tell her her English is great. I just thought the vocabulary in that particular movie might be tricky. But she can literally say openly downgrading things about me, while I cannot politely ask without provoking her (to be honest, I realized it might do so, but given her criticism about my idea to get the certificate, I guess I didn't hesitate to ask this)– after this one sentence she called me toxic, a person who cannot apologize and spoiled brat (for whatever reason).

Some specific examples - please tell me if these are normal in a relationship

My migraines: I get severe migraines about five times a year — vomiting, blind spots, loss of feeling in my hand, completely debilitating. It started when I was a teenager. The first time it happened during our relationship, I was away with family and I at least texted her to let her know I was getting a migraine — so she'd know why I wasn't replying. Afterward, she got angry because she had been worried and I was “ignoring her”. I was honestly proud of myself for even picking up the phone to text the sentence I mentioned — it takes everything I have during an episode. Another time I had to pull over while driving because I couldn't see properly – a sign I am getting a migraine. I told her she didn't have to drive, that we could just wait a couple of hours until it passed — I only knew I needed to fall asleep, as that's the only thing that helps. She preferred to drive (and did it well), but was angry with me the whole time. For having a migraine I can't predict.

Her birthday party: I helped her prepare everything, met her family for the first time and some of her friends — I was genuinely quite stressed about it. The evening went well. Then we played a card drinking game and I drew a card asking what I really hate. She responded quickly instead of me saying out loud "children" and left the table. Her friends looked at me visibly confused. This was apparently because months earlier I'd said a couple should spend more time together before deciding they're ready for children (as I mentioned above). Two days later she told me she was also angry that day because I'd agreed with one of her female friends on some unimportant topic instead of her (I did not even realize, we were literally talking about labour law and I had an experience in that area so I gave my opinion, different to hers, without degrading her whatsoever). For the rest of that evening she had been cold to me as if I'd done something terrible. During such an important day.

Her sister's boyfriend: The first time I met him, we ended up briefly discussing some news related to our shared field of study — maybe five minutes, all of us eating breakfast together at the same table. She got cold immediately for a reason I didn't see. Even her sister (who she herself describes as impulsive) told her to be normal.

St. Nicholas Day: I secretly put her favorite snacks in her boot by the window the night before, playing along with the tradition as if "Santa brought them." When she asked if I'd gotten her something, I said no, wanting it to be a surprise. She got upset and pointed out that her mom had sent me something small. I said that wasn't really from her (I didn't mind — I actually don't like receiving presents), so she wasn't really in a position to argue. She kept going, even saying that she's a woman and it's normal for her to receive presents. Eventually I told her to check the window. She apologized and admitted she acted stupidly. This was rare — even when she does occasionally apologize, she usually tries to explain herself in a way that softens what she's apologizing for, so that in the end its my exaggeration.

The good parts

My family likes her. She's responsible and I have no concerns about fidelity. When she's in a good mood she's warm and caring, and she's great with children. I don't want to paint her as a villain at all.

But I've noticed that I'm starting to dread our bad moments more than I look forward to the good ones. I buy her flowers regularly. One month I overspent and didn't want to buy more at least until the next paycheck — and she reminded me it had been a while. Things that used to feel like gestures of love are starting to feel like obligations.

I've done two sessions of therapy for the first time in my life, partly because of career stress, but honestly also because I'm almost constantly anxious and thinking about whether we should break up. The worst periods came in the last eight months — around the time we moved in together and met each other's families, which I thought would bring us closer.

I started this relationship more certain than I'd ever been. More sure after a few weeks than I was after four years with my previous partner. I wanted to be with her. And now I'm here.

She thinks we're fine. She says these things happen and that we don't fight too much.

Part of what makes this hard to untangle is that I'm not sure of my own motives anymore. It feels like I might be unconsciously gathering arguments to justify breaking up, while still having real feelings for her. I don't know if I'm seeing the relationship clearly or if I'm sabotaging something good because I'm scared, or restless, or both.

This is the first time I've ever moved in with someone. We built something together — the flat, the routines, the life around it. And I'm turning 30 soon. I don't actually fear being alone — there's still a lot I want to do and figure out before settling down, and being single would simplify some of it — but I do fear making a mistake I can't undo. In either direction.

What I know for sure is that I'm not having a good time. And I'm not sure how much longer I can keep wondering whether that's her fault, my fault, or just what relationships look like when you're really in them.

If you've been through something similar, I'd genuinely appreciate hearing from you.

TL;DR: Been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years, moved in 6 months ago. She's frequently critical, controlling about my time and contact with people (mostly women), and our worst fights have left me feeling like I've lost something. Her difficult past explains some of it, but I don't know if things can change. I still have feelings for her but I'm anxious almost every day and don't know if I'm in a genuinely difficult relationship or sabotaging something good out of fear.

March 4

Goodness…

She is a controlling, jealous, and borderline abusive person who is causing damage to your mental and physical health.

Run far away and break off all contact with her.

March 5

This woman is a walking basket of red flags.

You mention you have "compromised" on contraception - please tell us that you haven't stopped using it! You'll be tied to her for at least 18 years if you get her pregnant.

You're both in your 20s. You've only been together for 1.5 years. If it doesn't feel right, there's no point in sticking with it. You both have all the time in the world, truly. I understand that this is your first serious relationship - but most people don't end up with their first serious relationship. Leaving will hurt at first, naturally, but it will get better, I promise.

21 hours ago, sneamer said:

just what relationships look like when you're really in them.

I've been with my husband for nearly two decades and I can assure you that this isn't true. No relationship is perfect, but no relationship should be like what you described, either.

March 5

Trying to figure out where to begin with this, but I'll give it a try:

First off, despite some of the positives, she doesn't sound as genuine as she's being made out to be. You mentioned somewhere at the top about her being a Christian. I'm hear to say, as a Christian myself, that she's not one. To have this many anxieties, trust issues, jealousy, and to be so controlling, that doesn't spell out her being a Christian. Part of our faith is if you're in a relationship, and you're a woman, you should respect and submit to the man you're with. In other words, she must learn to trust you and give up some of her authority, a true sign of respect. She's not doing that, and that alone should tell you to get away from her. If she loves you, she will follow YOUR lead, not the other way around.

Which brings me to my next issue, moving in with her before marriage. Every time I read about a relationship going sideways on hear, or even with people I know, the first thing I find out is they move in together as bf/gf, instead of husband/wife. Some would argue that there's some leeway if you're engaged, but even then it's rocky. The love starts to fizzle out, there's constant fighting, and no one seems to trust one and other to do the right thing like paying bills, taking care of the household, or if there's kids involved (which I don't encourage having outside of marriage, but understand things happen) taking care of them. It's a fight for control and who does what, whereas a married couple, if they follow their vows and discussed their responsibilities as husband and wife before they move in together for the rest of their lives, the fights will not occur nearly as often, down every once a blue moon. This doesn't mean they won't have them, especially at the beginning , but that doesn't mean they don't love each other. Rather it's them figuring out what needs to happen because it's a lifelong commitment, and if children would come, you have to work as a team to make sure they're top priority, even over yourselves. Make time for moments between you two and love one and other, but the kids come first. The problem with bfs and gfs moving in together is they typically don't have these discussions. They react out of emotion rather than logic. Since they don't have wedding bands on, it's a sign they're not as committed to each other as they made out. This isn't saying that you yourself aren't committed to this woman, but since no vows were made, no ground rules, no plans, nor anything of the sort, in her mind, you're just a dude with the label of bf. Not as a human being, but rather an object that's paying for a home she probably isn't put much effort into. It's kind of a gripe of mine on this topic because there's so much to it, but the point is the greatest mistake that a lot of men make is moving in with their girlfriends without even thinking of the consequences and they end up paying for it. The most frustrating part of it is they see so many other men that have done it and get wrecked, then they think they're the exception to this, when the process repeats itself. It's as if they don't learn, and that's why I think the first and greatest mistake that not only you made but many other men make is moving in with women that are not even their wives.

Okay, so there's that. Next thing, and like many other people, you're putting this woman on a high pedestal. We've heard this all before. Me especially, because I was a man who did such a thing. I've encountered many women who I thought were very nice. Had the right morals, we believed in many of the same things, basically me thinking anytime I'd find a woman she was like a unicorn. The excuses I made for them because I was so in love (or at least I thought I was). Now, this isn't to say none of them were actually good, but some of them were not all what they were cracked up to be. One woman in particular was someone I thought was really into me. Long story short, she was very flirtatious around me, always made it seem like she was interested, and was very willing to go out with our friends. But when came to going out, just us two, something always came up. I ended up taking her out on one date, and, where we were still friends, we ultimately didn't get together. And the excuses I made for her: "She's really cool, doing roller derby and travels a lot." "She had something come up with her family, so we're not going out tonight, but she's reliable and honest enough to tell me that she'll make up for it." She believes in God like I do, even though she doesn't go church or follow much of what our faith teaches, but church is all around us and she's a free spirit." To be honest, these aren't word for word what I said, but it's heavily implied that's what I meant. Anyway, the truth was she was unreliable, starved for attention from other men, wasn't a Christian, and really wasn't as interested in me as she made out. I don't like admitting this, but, more or less, she friend-zoned me. That happened nearly 4 years ago, and during that time, I've seen and heard from other men being turned down the way I was (and many other guys, as well). It made me feel foolish because I talked her up so much only to discover she didn't think of me in the same light, and other people close to me heard about it and seen my pathetic situation. Again, we're still friends, but that's it. Outside of that, we don't talk much. So if you and this woman don't work out and you find another one, don't get too excited and make her out to be something she may not.

The other thing I've noticed on here is how she doesn't really care much about what you have to say. Again, it comes back to respect. You mentioned she likes to narrow conversation topics, in particular social stuff (which sounds more like gossip), while you like to talk about stuff that's factual and she doesn't seem to care much about what you have to say. It's as if she expects you to pay attention about what she has to say but not you. That's a sign she thinks whatever you have to say outside of anything you find interesting is irrelevant but wants you to accept everything she's saying as important. Yeah, some of it can come down to men and women are interested in different things, which is true, but just to blow you off as if you have nothing important to say, that's different, especially when it affects you two directly.

I've noticed, based on what you're saying, is you've put in a lot of thought and effort into this relationship. Planned events, birthdays, social gatherings, you're active. That's good. However, and I'm going to be honest with you here, your gf doesn't sound all that grateful. Getting upset with you when things may not go 100% the way she wanted it, even though she never really planned any of it herself. Her getting upset because you talked to her sister's bf on a topic you both found interesting for a few minutes. That's bs because men have as much freedom to talk about the things they're interested in as women. That just sounds like she wanted you to sit there like a good boy, keep your mouth closed, and listen to her ramble on and on. It wasn't like you were talking to another woman and flirting with her instead of your gf, so I call that a sign of her wanting all the attention on herself from everyone at the breakfast instead of 2 sisters and their bfs getting together for a meal to talk and catch up. Speaking of other women, she's overly against you talking to any other female. I get that trying to converse with someone of the opposite gender can be considered risky, due to attraction, but under the right circumstances, so long as the two parties don't have any romantic feelings towards each other, it's fine. Just keep it friendly and nothing more. However, my question is does she have male friends? How often does she talk to them? Is it right for her to talk to them but you not allowed to talk to other women? Is she so blinded by her own jealousy and insecurity that she doesn't see that you're committed to her and not another woman? You don't have to answer all that, but the point is she's making it seem like the whole "rules for thee but not for me" trope. I'd be careful with that one.

To wrap this up, it doesn't really matter if your family and others outside that relationship think about this woman. Even though you're trying to make it seem like everything's fine, but they're clearly not. Like I was, I think you like the idea of this woman, accepting all the good but not taking into account the negatives, and from what it sounds like there's a lot of negatives. And like me before, it's on your mind constantly. The one question that kept reoccurring to me I can see happening to you: does she actually like me? You may say 'yes' now on here, but because of all this justification talk and the problems she brings, that's really what's being asked. Trust me, even though you may pretend it doesn't bother you, it comes up throughout the day. It effects your work, relationship with family and friends, and your mental health. All of this isn't intentional nor does it mean you're a creep or weird. It's normal because, again, you like the idea of this girl. But you have to remember the other people close to you. I'll give out another truth, your family and friends are, at this point in time, more important. They actually love and care about you. I don't think this woman does, at least not to the degree that you like her. Whenever I really liked a woman, there were times I forgot about my family and friends, especially when they were willing to do things with and for me. Foolishly, I thought whoever said woman was would be the one that actually count. The reason: I thought that there was a chance that she was the one. But, obviously, there hasn't been a single one where I thought was wife material that would marry me. Anyway, if there's a way to exit this relationship with this woman you're with, do it. She's not worth it. If she puts on this amount of stress and overthinking on you, she is far more trouble than what she's worth. It sounds like you're a decent enough guy and open to doing certain things. Maybe something else to consider is to practice Christianity, learn and read up on what the Bible says. Just a thought, and it can help you avoid women like this. Bottom line, find a way to get out of the house/apartment with this woman, have all your receipts ready when gathering your belongings, and call off the relationship. There are women out there that won't give you this amount of trouble this current gf is giving you.

March 5

It's really concerning that you would even need to ask us whether these things are normal in a relationship. Do you really think this relationship is normal and ok? Let me spell it out.... this relationship sounds completely toxic and you sound miserable in it. Why on earth haven't you already ended it? You need to break up with her, and don't date again until you do some serious work on your self-esteem so you develop skills to not think it's ok for someone to treat you like this in the future.

March 5

Remove yourself from this seriously abusive relationship; she seems toxic and controlling.

March 6

18 hours ago, Els said:

This woman is a walking basket of red flags.

You mention you have "compromised" on contraception - please tell us that you haven't stopped using it! You'll be tied to her for at least 18 years if you get her pregnant.

You're both in your 20s. You've only been together for 1.5 years. If it doesn't feel right, there's no point in sticking with it. You both have all the time in the world, truly. I understand that this is your first serious relationship - but most people don't end up with their first serious relationship. Leaving will hurt at first, naturally, but it will get better, I promise.

I've been with my husband for nearly two decades and I can assure you that this isn't true. No relationship is perfect, but no relationship should be like what you described, either.

You're completely right about the relationship part. It's not a decade long relationship and there is actually no point in sticking with it, if it doesn't feel right. This is actually my second serious relationship, but it is the first one where I moved in with someone, which made everything feel higher stakes. Thank you for reading the whole post and for your response, it means a lot to me.

March 6

18 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

It's really concerning that you would even need to ask us whether these things are normal in a relationship. Do you really think this relationship is normal and ok? Let me spell it out.... this relationship sounds completely toxic and you sound miserable in it. Why on earth haven't you already ended it? You need to break up with her, and don't date again until you do some serious work on your self-esteem so you develop skills to not think it's ok for someone to treat you like this in the future.

I don't know. I guess I was blinded by something — thinking it would get better, and also because the beginning seemed so promising and I was genuinely happy. But you're right, thank you.

March 6

18 hours ago, Herkamer63 said:

Trying to figure out where to begin with this, but I'll give it a try:

First off, despite some of the positives, she doesn't sound as genuine as she's being made out to be. You mentioned somewhere at the top about her being a Christian. I'm hear to say, as a Christian myself, that she's not one. To have this many anxieties, trust issues, jealousy, and to be so controlling, that doesn't spell out her being a Christian. Part of our faith is if you're in a relationship, and you're a woman, you should respect and submit to the man you're with. In other words, she must learn to trust you and give up some of her authority, a true sign of respect. She's not doing that, and that alone should tell you to get away from her. If she loves you, she will follow YOUR lead, not the other way around.

Which brings me to my next issue, moving in with her before marriage. Every time I read about a relationship going sideways on hear, or even with people I know, the first thing I find out is they move in together as bf/gf, instead of husband/wife. Some would argue that there's some leeway if you're engaged, but even then it's rocky. The love starts to fizzle out, there's constant fighting, and no one seems to trust one and other to do the right thing like paying bills, taking care of the household, or if there's kids involved (which I don't encourage having outside of marriage, but understand things happen) taking care of them. It's a fight for control and who does what, whereas a married couple, if they follow their vows and discussed their responsibilities as husband and wife before they move in together for the rest of their lives, the fights will not occur nearly as often, down every once a blue moon. This doesn't mean they won't have them, especially at the beginning , but that doesn't mean they don't love each other. Rather it's them figuring out what needs to happen because it's a lifelong commitment, and if children would come, you have to work as a team to make sure they're top priority, even over yourselves. Make time for moments between you two and love one and other, but the kids come first. The problem with bfs and gfs moving in together is they typically don't have these discussions. They react out of emotion rather than logic. Since they don't have wedding bands on, it's a sign they're not as committed to each other as they made out. This isn't saying that you yourself aren't committed to this woman, but since no vows were made, no ground rules, no plans, nor anything of the sort, in her mind, you're just a dude with the label of bf. Not as a human being, but rather an object that's paying for a home she probably isn't put much effort into. It's kind of a gripe of mine on this topic because there's so much to it, but the point is the greatest mistake that a lot of men make is moving in with their girlfriends without even thinking of the consequences and they end up paying for it. The most frustrating part of it is they see so many other men that have done it and get wrecked, then they think they're the exception to this, when the process repeats itself. It's as if they don't learn, and that's why I think the first and greatest mistake that not only you made but many other men make is moving in with women that are not even their wives.

Okay, so there's that. Next thing, and like many other people, you're putting this woman on a high pedestal. We've heard this all before. Me especially, because I was a man who did such a thing. I've encountered many women who I thought were very nice. Had the right morals, we believed in many of the same things, basically me thinking anytime I'd find a woman she was like a unicorn. The excuses I made for them because I was so in love (or at least I thought I was). Now, this isn't to say none of them were actually good, but some of them were not all what they were cracked up to be. One woman in particular was someone I thought was really into me. Long story short, she was very flirtatious around me, always made it seem like she was interested, and was very willing to go out with our friends. But when came to going out, just us two, something always came up. I ended up taking her out on one date, and, where we were still friends, we ultimately didn't get together. And the excuses I made for her: "She's really cool, doing roller derby and travels a lot." "She had something come up with her family, so we're not going out tonight, but she's reliable and honest enough to tell me that she'll make up for it." She believes in God like I do, even though she doesn't go church or follow much of what our faith teaches, but church is all around us and she's a free spirit." To be honest, these aren't word for word what I said, but it's heavily implied that's what I meant. Anyway, the truth was she was unreliable, starved for attention from other men, wasn't a Christian, and really wasn't as interested in me as she made out. I don't like admitting this, but, more or less, she friend-zoned me. That happened nearly 4 years ago, and during that time, I've seen and heard from other men being turned down the way I was (and many other guys, as well). It made me feel foolish because I talked her up so much only to discover she didn't think of me in the same light, and other people close to me heard about it and seen my pathetic situation. Again, we're still friends, but that's it. Outside of that, we don't talk much. So if you and this woman don't work out and you find another one, don't get too excited and make her out to be something she may not.

The other thing I've noticed on here is how she doesn't really care much about what you have to say. Again, it comes back to respect. You mentioned she likes to narrow conversation topics, in particular social stuff (which sounds more like gossip), while you like to talk about stuff that's factual and she doesn't seem to care much about what you have to say. It's as if she expects you to pay attention about what she has to say but not you. That's a sign she thinks whatever you have to say outside of anything you find interesting is irrelevant but wants you to accept everything she's saying as important. Yeah, some of it can come down to men and women are interested in different things, which is true, but just to blow you off as if you have nothing important to say, that's different, especially when it affects you two directly.

I've noticed, based on what you're saying, is you've put in a lot of thought and effort into this relationship. Planned events, birthdays, social gatherings, you're active. That's good. However, and I'm going to be honest with you here, your gf doesn't sound all that grateful. Getting upset with you when things may not go 100% the way she wanted it, even though she never really planned any of it herself. Her getting upset because you talked to her sister's bf on a topic you both found interesting for a few minutes. That's bs because men have as much freedom to talk about the things they're interested in as women. That just sounds like she wanted you to sit there like a good boy, keep your mouth closed, and listen to her ramble on and on. It wasn't like you were talking to another woman and flirting with her instead of your gf, so I call that a sign of her wanting all the attention on herself from everyone at the breakfast instead of 2 sisters and their bfs getting together for a meal to talk and catch up. Speaking of other women, she's overly against you talking to any other female. I get that trying to converse with someone of the opposite gender can be considered risky, due to attraction, but under the right circumstances, so long as the two parties don't have any romantic feelings towards each other, it's fine. Just keep it friendly and nothing more. However, my question is does she have male friends? How often does she talk to them? Is it right for her to talk to them but you not allowed to talk to other women? Is she so blinded by her own jealousy and insecurity that she doesn't see that you're committed to her and not another woman? You don't have to answer all that, but the point is she's making it seem like the whole "rules for thee but not for me" trope. I'd be careful with that one.

To wrap this up, it doesn't really matter if your family and others outside that relationship think about this woman. Even though you're trying to make it seem like everything's fine, but they're clearly not. Like I was, I think you like the idea of this woman, accepting all the good but not taking into account the negatives, and from what it sounds like there's a lot of negatives. And like me before, it's on your mind constantly. The one question that kept reoccurring to me I can see happening to you: does she actually like me? You may say 'yes' now on here, but because of all this justification talk and the problems she brings, that's really what's being asked. Trust me, even though you may pretend it doesn't bother you, it comes up throughout the day. It effects your work, relationship with family and friends, and your mental health. All of this isn't intentional nor does it mean you're a creep or weird. It's normal because, again, you like the idea of this girl. But you have to remember the other people close to you. I'll give out another truth, your family and friends are, at this point in time, more important. They actually love and care about you. I don't think this woman does, at least not to the degree that you like her. Whenever I really liked a woman, there were times I forgot about my family and friends, especially when they were willing to do things with and for me. Foolishly, I thought whoever said woman was would be the one that actually count. The reason: I thought that there was a chance that she was the one. But, obviously, there hasn't been a single one where I thought was wife material that would marry me. Anyway, if there's a way to exit this relationship with this woman you're with, do it. She's not worth it. If she puts on this amount of stress and overthinking on you, she is far more trouble than what she's worth. It sounds like you're a decent enough guy and open to doing certain things. Maybe something else to consider is to practice Christianity, learn and read up on what the Bible says. Just a thought, and it can help you avoid women like this. Bottom line, find a way to get out of the house/apartment with this woman, have all your receipts ready when gathering your belongings, and call off the relationship. There are women out there that won't give you this amount of trouble this current gf is giving you.

Thank you for the detailed response, I appreciate you taking the time. You're right that I've been trying to see her in a good light and making excuses — she was definitely the one around whom the relationship revolved, even if she would probably disagree with that. On the conversation point, I wouldn't say it's always gossip — she's studying psychology and we do sometimes go into deeper topics around relationships and people. But you're right that we don't really go deep into the things I'm interested in. Though I'm not sure I can blame her for that — it might just be a normal incompatibility in interests rather than a lack of care and respect. To answer your question — she doesn't really have male friends, and that was actually never an issue for me. I trust her completely in that regard. I want to be in a relationship where we both trust each other in these things. The point about whether she values me as much as I value her — that one is hard to argue with. I don't think she does, or at least that was clearly true for a long time. Now I'm just uncertain, and I've noticed that the things I do for her have started feeling like obligations rather than something I do naturally to make her happy. So I think I'm valuing her much less than I did in the beginning, or before all the arguments started. That shift probably says something in itself also.

March 6

7 hours ago, sneamer said:

You're completely right about the relationship part. It's not a decade long relationship and there is actually no point in sticking with it, if it doesn't feel right. This is actually my second serious relationship, but it is the first one where I moved in with someone, which made everything feel higher stakes. Thank you for reading the whole post and for your response, it means a lot to me.

Totally understandable that moving in together makes everything feel higher stakes - the stakes DO get higher compared to dating, because now one person has to uproot themselves and all their stuff.

But it's also good for seeing the other person's true colors and figuring out what life with them would be like... Some of my friends are very much "no living together before marriage" people, and while I respect their religious beliefs, many of them also got absolutely blindsided once they got married and moved in together. They found out, much to their chagrin, that people behave very differently when you have to work with them to maintain a household and finances and see them every day, compared to when you're only seeing them on dates a few times a week. But they didn't want to get a divorce (which is even harder than leaving a live-in relationship), so they stayed, and they're just perpetually unhappy now.

So, it sounds like you've seen who she truly is. It's a good thing that you've seen it at 1.5 years in instead of 10 years, no?

Wishing you all the best.

Edited March 6 by Els

March 8

On 3/4/2026 at 2:00 PM, sneamer said:

Honestly, I feel less ready now than I did then

I think you should listen to your gut.

On 3/4/2026 at 2:00 PM, sneamer said:

My migraines: I get severe migraines about five times a year

Riboflavin, 400mg daily.

March 8

My ex had quite similar behaviour, and trust me when I say that it's a bottomless hole. Your best option is to call it quits while you are still young vs spending years trying to fix something that is fundamentally broken or worse yet getting married and having kids hoping that will be the answer. You said you have genuine feelings for her and the knowledge its going to hurt like hell is probably part of what's keeping you in but it's necessary.

You mention there are good moments. If it is anything like my relationship during those times she will probably be very sweet, talk about how wonderful you are and how happy she is that you came into her life etc, then when the bad times and the arguments come around you will feel stupid and selfish for even thinking about breaking up, that you are simply sabotaging things because you are being a bad boyfriend and maybe you are just crazy and she is in the right. This is the kind of emotional gaslighting that goes on in such relationships.

But the bottom line is this: you are entitled to have hobbies that you enjoy independently of her, you are entitled to talk to other women platonically, you're entitled to do things like take your shirt off when you go for a swim in the river. Anyone who tries to stifle such parts of your independence as part of a relationship isnt doing it out of love, they are doing it as an effort to control some part of their inner world they feel is out of control, using you as a kind of emotional vessel.

Also when you said this: "she called me toxic, a person who cannot apologize and spoiled brat" I found it interesting because it sounds much more like she is describing herself than you, from what you have written. I also experienced this, and my opinion is that this kind of projection appears because really this has more to do with your girlfriend's relationship with herself than you.

Now none of this is to say that she is a horrible evil person. People are complex and I have no doubt she may be a wonderful loving daughter, sister, friend etc. That may be part of the confusion you're feeling, as in my case I saw my ex being a lovely, sweet, considerate person with others and I questioned why at times our relationship felt like emotional hell. Sometimes as people we can be too binary and trip ourselves up and think "how could she be so sweet and caring today, but yesterday she lost the plot because I was slightly too nice with the waitress in the café? I must have done something wrong, it must be all my fault". But the two things can be true together, because I don't think a lot of her behaviour is likely to be done consciously, its just a consequence of her worldview and how she sees things.

Long story short though, if you are having to ask such questions and your entire relationship feels like putting out fires and dreading the next argument, it's not right for you and you're not going to fix it. Staying in it is going to keep the focus away from the real work that you both need to do on yourselves individually to be in a healthy relationship in the future. It takes a while to make peace with it but it's nobody's "fault", you're just not right for eachother and over time it's going to deteriorate if you stay in it.

March 8

There are no good qualities in the world to justify sentencing yourself to five minutes, much less days or weeks or years of walking on eggshells around someone who is out to make you a villain, no matter what you say or do.

This woman is not your partner; she's your adversary. Why would you want to live with someone who treats you as an enemy to be managed rather than an equal partner who deserves loving regard and respectful autonomy?

Your scenario is bonkers, and I'd bail fast, before she tells you she's pregnant.

March 11

On 3/6/2026 at 6:21 AM, sneamer said:

Thank you for the detailed response, I appreciate you taking the time. You're right that I've been trying to see her in a good light and making excuses — she was definitely the one around whom the relationship revolved, even if she would probably disagree with that. On the conversation point, I wouldn't say it's always gossip — she's studying psychology and we do sometimes go into deeper topics around relationships and people. But you're right that we don't really go deep into the things I'm interested in. Though I'm not sure I can blame her for that — it might just be a normal incompatibility in interests rather than a lack of care and respect. To answer your question — she doesn't really have male friends, and that was actually never an issue for me. I trust her completely in that regard. I want to be in a relationship where we both trust each other in these things. The point about whether she values me as much as I value her — that one is hard to argue with. I don't think she does, or at least that was clearly true for a long time. Now I'm just uncertain, and I've noticed that the things I do for her have started feeling like obligations rather than something I do naturally to make her happy. So I think I'm valuing her much less than I did in the beginning, or before all the arguments started. That shift probably says something in itself also.

One of the most difficult parts for me, as well, was whoever the woman was at the time, did she value me as I valued her. There's times where signals may feel mixed, so I get that. And to be fair, there's no one that's going to be perfect. Everyone has there flaws, and there will be arguments in relationships. That's normal. The only other question to go with that is this: is she arguing because she cares about you and your well being as well as her own or is she ONLY thinking about herself? The thing to do in those situations is pay attention to what she says and does. What I've noticed is when people start saying the words 'us' and 'we', when they really mean 'me' in a selfish matter. Never taking the time asking about you or your well being. Plus, when they start talking themselves up and boasting about their accomplishments, instead of just talking about the subject of whatever it was that was accomplished, that's a sign that they're arrogant. Not saying this woman's that way, per se, but the fact that she only talks about what she wants to talk about, and not talk about anything you're interested in, take it into account that she may not care much about what you have to say in subjects you find captivating.

Now, I saved this one for last because I wanted to hear an answer to this, and please understand I'm not trying to upset you or anything of that nature: are you certain she doesn't have close male friends? Not family, but anyone outside of it (past bfs/guys she dated). There are times where some women will say they are never getting back together with old flames, but still talk to them. On some occasions, they're far more pleasant and respectable towards them than their current bfs.

Long story short, one girl I dated was engaged to a man 5 years prior before I went out with her. Last date I had with her, she receives a message from her ex's wife saying he passed away. For about 2 weeks, she ghosted me. Now, there were other things that happened that year within her family that also contributed, but this may have been the big one (even though the family matter would be considered far more important). I went on vacation for a week and even bought her a gift because I thought with all the things that happened that year it would cheer her up. She declined and called it off with me. Later, her sister, whom I'm friends with (as well as her sister's husband), confirmed that she called it off because of the late ex-fiance'. Everything I heard from this woman and her sister, this man was bad news bears. However, with every put down of this man, it was always followed up with a compliment or two. She never got back together with him, for sure, but she never got over him. Before she ghosted me, she told me she was going to visit her friend from out of town. Well, that same friend also introduced this woman to her ex in that same city. To be honest, I can't say with certainty if she went down to this man's funeral or not, but it seemed pretty convenient that she would go down about a week or two after she got the news the ex passed away. The other thing that didn't strike me until a little later was the guy's wife, somehow, had this woman's phone number. Not to jump to conclusions, but something tells me that this woman had always been in contact with this man, maybe to find ways to try and get him back, despite the terrible things he had done to her.

That had always been odd to me, but hearing stories and reports from other men similar situations, it started to make more sense. Some people will compare you to the last bfs/gfs they've been with before. As I mentioned before with this woman, a put down was accompanied by a compliment or two. Even though it doesn't really matter now because I don't talk to her anymore, but I believe she liked the idea of this guy. Good looking, adventurous, edgy attitude, confident, he was, in her mind, the total package. Now he did lie, steal, manipulate, and did other bad things to her, but those may have been minor and a small price to pay just to be with him. If I had to guess as to who called it off, it may had been her but under pressure to do so. Other stories I heard, more or less, these types of Chads do it because they're bored with these women for the time being. So what ends up happening is these women, until these the guys they find attractive come back around, will get together with other men as a means to pass the time and to keep up an image.

Not saying it's your gf that's doing this. However, when these type of people get agitated or frustrated or just simply not in a good mood, it isn't so much because of the other person. Sometimes, it's them wishing to be back with whoever it was from their past. And they can hide it very well. As a quick scenario, you plan out all these events, in her mind, why didn't ex do it? Why did, again, in her mind, settle for a guy who's average and so happens to do the things she enjoys? Just to try and wrap this up quickly, the point is in situations, like this, where it may seem like she may not value you as much as you value her, normally, it's because that's the case. In addition to that, she may not be as truthful as she's making it herself out to be. All I'm is watch her actions and see how she interacts with other men. If something feels off, ask. She may give a short answer, like "I'm fine" or something along those lines, especially if she gets done texting. I'm hoping my suspicions of this woman are all just a false alarm, but it just sounds too familiar. Watch yourself around her, brother.

March 13

On 3/8/2026 at 2:05 PM, FredEire said:

My ex had quite similar behaviour, and trust me when I say that it's a bottomless hole. Your best option is to call it quits while you are still young vs spending years trying to fix something that is fundamentally broken or worse yet getting married and having kids hoping that will be the answer. You said you have genuine feelings for her and the knowledge its going to hurt like hell is probably part of what's keeping you in but it's necessary.

You mention there are good moments. If it is anything like my relationship during those times she will probably be very sweet, talk about how wonderful you are and how happy she is that you came into her life etc, then when the bad times and the arguments come around you will feel stupid and selfish for even thinking about breaking up, that you are simply sabotaging things because you are being a bad boyfriend and maybe you are just crazy and she is in the right. This is the kind of emotional gaslighting that goes on in such relationships.

But the bottom line is this: you are entitled to have hobbies that you enjoy independently of her, you are entitled to talk to other women platonically, you're entitled to do things like take your shirt off when you go for a swim in the river. Anyone who tries to stifle such parts of your independence as part of a relationship isnt doing it out of love, they are doing it as an effort to control some part of their inner world they feel is out of control, using you as a kind of emotional vessel.

Also when you said this: "she called me toxic, a person who cannot apologize and spoiled brat" I found it interesting because it sounds much more like she is describing herself than you, from what you have written. I also experienced this, and my opinion is that this kind of projection appears because really this has more to do with your girlfriend's relationship with herself than you.

Now none of this is to say that she is a horrible evil person. People are complex and I have no doubt she may be a wonderful loving daughter, sister, friend etc. That may be part of the confusion you're feeling, as in my case I saw my ex being a lovely, sweet, considerate person with others and I questioned why at times our relationship felt like emotional hell. Sometimes as people we can be too binary and trip ourselves up and think "how could she be so sweet and caring today, but yesterday she lost the plot because I was slightly too nice with the waitress in the café? I must have done something wrong, it must be all my fault". But the two things can be true together, because I don't think a lot of her behaviour is likely to be done consciously, its just a consequence of her worldview and how she sees things.

Long story short though, if you are having to ask such questions and your entire relationship feels like putting out fires and dreading the next argument, it's not right for you and you're not going to fix it. Staying in it is going to keep the focus away from the real work that you both need to do on yourselves individually to be in a healthy relationship in the future. It takes a while to make peace with it but it's nobody's "fault", you're just not right for eachother and over time it's going to deteriorate if you stay in it.

Thank you for your response, tbh I found it the most useful and it's clear it comes from a similar experience. You're right — I was also thinking about it being fundamentally broken, but then new nice moments came and made me question myself and my expectations. Every point you made aligned perfectly with what I'm going through, and you've given me a lot of confidence to move forward with the breakup.

I had a really serious conversation with her and she was surprised — she said she thought our relationship was working fine. I told her pretty much everything and we agreed that if things continued the same way we would break up. And to be honest, it's already going the same way. There are nice moments and then there are reproaches about everything I do. If she considers something I've done wrong — and it can literally be anything, like blaming me for coming back late from a run when I was back exactly on time as we had agreed — she starts insulting and disrespecting me. The most frustrating thing is when she does it in public. I told her I hate when she creates a scene in public and she said I care too much about what people around us think and that it wasn't that bad. But speaking in a raised voice while people are walking past us is genuinely humiliating.

There is one person I want to talk to about this first — so far I haven't said anything to anyone I know — and then I'm just going to end it and tell her that the sooner the better, for both of us. Thank you again.

March 13

42 minutes ago, sneamer said:

Thank you for your response, tbh I found it the most useful and it's clear it comes from a similar experience. You're right — I was also thinking about it being fundamentally broken, but then new nice moments came and made me question myself and my expectations. Every point you made aligned perfectly with what I'm going through, and you've given me a lot of confidence to move forward with the breakup.

I had a really serious conversation with her and she was surprised — she said she thought our relationship was working fine. I told her pretty much everything and we agreed that if things continued the same way we would break up. And to be honest, it's already going the same way. There are nice moments and then there are reproaches about everything I do. If she considers something I've done wrong — and it can literally be anything, like blaming me for coming back late from a run when I was back exactly on time as we had agreed — she starts insulting and disrespecting me. The most frustrating thing is when she does it in public. I told her I hate when she creates a scene in public and she said I care too much about what people around us think and that it wasn't that bad. But speaking in a raised voice while people are walking past us is genuinely humiliating.

There is one person I want to talk to about this first — so far I haven't said anything to anyone I know — and then I'm just going to end it and tell her that the sooner the better, for both of us. Thank you again.

Glad you found my response useful.

My ex said something similar when we broke up, my guess is that that reason is that for her this is normal - its probably the only way she knows how to operate.

But it doesnt change what you feel uncomfortable with or disrespected by. Its not your job to sort out her mental health issues or blowups and you deserve to have a relationship built on mutual trust and respect.

March 21

On 3/11/2026 at 9:48 PM, Herkamer63 said:

One of the most difficult parts for me, as well, was whoever the woman was at the time, did she value me as I valued her. There's times where signals may feel mixed, so I get that. And to be fair, there's no one that's going to be perfect. Everyone has there flaws, and there will be arguments in relationships. That's normal. The only other question to go with that is this: is she arguing because she cares about you and your well being as well as her own or is she ONLY thinking about herself? The thing to do in those situations is pay attention to what she says and does. What I've noticed is when people start saying the words 'us' and 'we', when they really mean 'me' in a selfish matter. Never taking the time asking about you or your well being. Plus, when they start talking themselves up and boasting about their accomplishments, instead of just talking about the subject of whatever it was that was accomplished, that's a sign that they're arrogant. Not saying this woman's that way, per se, but the fact that she only talks about what she wants to talk about, and not talk about anything you're interested in, take it into account that she may not care much about what you have to say in subjects you find captivating.

Now, I saved this one for last because I wanted to hear an answer to this, and please understand I'm not trying to upset you or anything of that nature: are you certain she doesn't have close male friends? Not family, but anyone outside of it (past bfs/guys she dated). There are times where some women will say they are never getting back together with old flames, but still talk to them. On some occasions, they're far more pleasant and respectable towards them than their current bfs.

Long story short, one girl I dated was engaged to a man 5 years prior before I went out with her. Last date I had with her, she receives a message from her ex's wife saying he passed away. For about 2 weeks, she ghosted me. Now, there were other things that happened that year within her family that also contributed, but this may have been the big one (even though the family matter would be considered far more important). I went on vacation for a week and even bought her a gift because I thought with all the things that happened that year it would cheer her up. She declined and called it off with me. Later, her sister, whom I'm friends with (as well as her sister's husband), confirmed that she called it off because of the late ex-fiance'. Everything I heard from this woman and her sister, this man was bad news bears. However, with every put down of this man, it was always followed up with a compliment or two. She never got back together with him, for sure, but she never got over him. Before she ghosted me, she told me she was going to visit her friend from out of town. Well, that same friend also introduced this woman to her ex in that same city. To be honest, I can't say with certainty if she went down to this man's funeral or not, but it seemed pretty convenient that she would go down about a week or two after she got the news the ex passed away. The other thing that didn't strike me until a little later was the guy's wife, somehow, had this woman's phone number. Not to jump to conclusions, but something tells me that this woman had always been in contact with this man, maybe to find ways to try and get him back, despite the terrible things he had done to her.

That had always been odd to me, but hearing stories and reports from other men similar situations, it started to make more sense. Some people will compare you to the last bfs/gfs they've been with before. As I mentioned before with this woman, a put down was accompanied by a compliment or two. Even though it doesn't really matter now because I don't talk to her anymore, but I believe she liked the idea of this guy. Good looking, adventurous, edgy attitude, confident, he was, in her mind, the total package. Now he did lie, steal, manipulate, and did other bad things to her, but those may have been minor and a small price to pay just to be with him. If I had to guess as to who called it off, it may had been her but under pressure to do so. Other stories I heard, more or less, these types of Chads do it because they're bored with these women for the time being. So what ends up happening is these women, until these the guys they find attractive come back around, will get together with other men as a means to pass the time and to keep up an image.

Not saying it's your gf that's doing this. However, when these type of people get agitated or frustrated or just simply not in a good mood, it isn't so much because of the other person. Sometimes, it's them wishing to be back with whoever it was from their past. And they can hide it very well. As a quick scenario, you plan out all these events, in her mind, why didn't ex do it? Why did, again, in her mind, settle for a guy who's average and so happens to do the things she enjoys? Just to try and wrap this up quickly, the point is in situations, like this, where it may seem like she may not value you as much as you value her, normally, it's because that's the case. In addition to that, she may not be as truthful as she's making it herself out to be. All I'm is watch her actions and see how she interacts with other men. If something feels off, ask. She may give a short answer, like "I'm fine" or something along those lines, especially if she gets done texting. I'm hoping my suspicions of this woman are all just a false alarm, but it just sounds too familiar. Watch yourself around her, brother.

I would get this a bit too with my ex. She would talk up a particular guy she used to date, tell me how much he still cared about her and wanted to get back together. He left her because he "wanted to travel and didn't want to be held back", which seemed like the flakiest excuse in the world but any slight down I would raise would drive her crazy and make her talk about how I didnt care at all.

The important thing to remember is that exes or old flames can stay as a low-committment fantasy. It probably wasn't like that when they were together, but especially it is was a brief fling it can be held up in someones head as a model of perfection and a contrast to the difficulties of their current relationship. It doesnt mean they were "better" than you, or that the fantasy is anything other than just a fantasy. Generally anyone who has huge relationship issues involving trust etc will have those with everyone they are truly intimate with unless they work on themselves.

March 21

On 3/13/2026 at 6:31 AM, sneamer said:

... there are reproaches about everything I do. If she considers something I've done wrong ... she starts insulting and disrespecting me.

Healthy people have no trouble walking away from insults and disrespect.

Your choices to stick around despite mistreatment serve to encourage her to escalate because she takes you for granted.

Our relationships can only be as good as the people we pick. When someone shows you a nasty character, then that's who they are. If you settle for that, then there you are.

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I (29M) don't know if I'm in a difficult relationship with my girlfriend (26F) or sabotaging a good one [long post]

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