I (29M) don't know if I'm in a difficult relationship with my girlfriend (26F) or sabotaging a good one [long post]

[sneamer]

I (29M) have been with my girlfriend (26F) for a year and a half, and we moved in together about six months ago. We met while I was attending an individual foreign language course where she was one of the teachers. The first three months were, I guess, a honeymoon phase — we visited each other often, talked about everything, and even went abroad together that early. It seemed perfect.

After that, things started to shift.

Before I get into it — I want to be upfront that I realize this is entirely my perspective, and she would probably tell some of this differently. I'm not writing this to build a case against her. She has real qualities, and I still have genuine feelings for her. If anything, I'm worried that by laying it all out like this I'm unconsciously gathering arguments to justify a decision I haven't fully admitted to myself yet. What I do know is that I'm not in a good place, and I needed to write it down.

There's one more thing worth saying upfront: I've learned that her only previous long-term relationship — since her teenage years — was with someone who had a serious alcohol problem. He would go out partying without her, she couldn't trust him, and she essentially had to manage everything herself and push him to do anything right. I think about this a lot, because it explains some of what I'm experiencing — the jealousy, the need for control, the difficulty trusting. These things don't come from nowhere. But I also find myself asking whether I'm the right person to be here while she works through it, and whether it will actually change. I'm not sure. What I do notice is that after the worst period — around the time we were supposed to move in together, and then when we actually did — something shifted in me. I don't feel good about our days and often feel like I'm forcing myself to be a good partner, to be happy to be there.

The pattern of reproaches

She began criticizing me regularly for everything even when Im really trying my best — for certain words I used, for being a few minutes late (we're talking 5 minutes max), for agreeing with someone else on a minor point instead of her, or for wanting to catch up with female friends (one friend lives abroad from my exchange studies, another lives here — neither was a romantic interest in any way). She even got upset when I spent a few minutes talking with her sister's boyfriend the first time we met, simply because the conversation topic wasn't something she was into. I had to text her regularly even when I'm at work (this has improved a bit and she tolerates now that I can be busy at work) or even when I'm studying with my phone away. It has happened that she got cold with me because I didn't reply within five minutes while I was spending time with my family after a long time apart — and it turned into an argument. This happened many times. If she were spending quality time with her family, I would be happy for her. If I'm spending time with mine, I was supposed to be replying. It often feels like my world must revolve around her.

Early on, I was surprised by this and genuinely tried to change — and I did, in many ways. Now I find myself replying to her messages while running, studying, doing anything, just to avoid conflict. Soon after the reproaches began I started defending myself instead, and that doesn't help either. I used to be very assertive, but I feel like I'm slowly losing that part of myself.

When I bring this up, she either says it's normal to argue in a relationship, or accuses me of trying to change her. Once she literally said: "That's just who I am — if you want a harmonious relationship, maybe I'm not the right person for you." Then she said she didn't mean it, and usually she says she's working on herself — and occasionally that does seem true. But I remember feeling genuinely relaxed after six days without an argument and realizing that hadn't happened in a long time. And I think the arguing stopped not because she has changed, but because I did — I'm trying to do everything carefully so as not to provoke her.

The children issue and religion

Around five months into the relationship she said she definitely wouldn't wait three years to have children, because I said that three years felt like a healthy timeline to really know you're both ready. We nearly broke up over it. The compromise was that we'd revisit it later. This is also tied to something broader: she comes from a Christian family, goes to church, and holds some traditional views — including around contraception. We had to navigate that from early on – with me making concessions mostly. I am an atheist from a non-religious family.

Honestly, I feel less ready now than I did then — because I feel like I'm still waiting to find the harmony I'd want as a foundation for that step. And because she's currently finishing a second degree (something she'd wanted to do for years and I encouraged her to pursue), I sense there's an unspoken deadline — that once she's done, it will be time to "settle." I'm still figuring out my own career direction and considering a PhD. That pressure doesn't help my sanity.

Jealousy and trust

She doesn't like me having contact with women generally — colleagues, friends, anyone. I've stopped mentioning conversations with female colleagues even when something interesting happens. She occasionally tells me I was looking at a random woman, usually one I genuinely didn't even notice.

One example: we went canoeing with a group of my friends, and there were also two women there — one with her partner, the other with a male friend. It was a hot day and I jumped into the water. To do that I took my shirt off. She got mad. I wasn't trying to show off, no one paid any attention, it was just a normal thing to do on a hot day on a river. But that was enough to get her angry.

Compatibility

I like to do many activities running, gym, pub quizzes, chess, hiking, studying and reading, learning languages, pop culture.. she doesn't share most of these interests, but still gets a bit irritated when I pursue them without her — and she doesn't really join in either. We can hike, but only for about two hours. I can't study for longer than about half an hour when we're together. We never played chess together and she thinks it's a nerdy thing. French language, which literally brought us together, now makes her roll her eyes when I use it — even to express something casually, or when I pause to think of a word.

Our conversations have narrowed — apart from talking about our days, she prefers talking about people and relationships, I like talking about almost anything. If I bring up something factual, she listens but doesn't engage. And, of course, If I say something wrong thing, we argue.

The things we genuinely enjoy together are the basics any couple does: movies, cooking, walks, cuddling. That's not nothing, but it feels like there should be a bigger connection.

There's also a pattern I'd call hypocritical, even if I don't like using that word. An example, when I mentioned I was thinking about getting a certificate to do official translations, she said I didn't have a C2 level — even though I have an English certificate and studied entirely in English. When I asked a couple of days later if she is sure to use English subtitles for a movie, she got upset, saying I was implying her English wasn't good enough — even though she's the one who usually says that about herself. I normally always tell her her English is great. I just thought the vocabulary in that particular movie might be tricky. But she can literally say openly downgrading things about me, while I cannot politely ask without provoking her (to be honest, I realized it might do so, but given her criticism about my idea to get the certificate, I guess I didn't hesitate to ask this)– after this one sentence she called me toxic, a person who cannot apologize and spoiled brat (for whatever reason).

Some specific examples - please tell me if these are normal in a relationship

My migraines: I get severe migraines about five times a year — vomiting, blind spots, loss of feeling in my hand, completely debilitating. It started when I was a teenager. The first time it happened during our relationship, I was away with family and I at least texted her to let her know I was getting a migraine — so she'd know why I wasn't replying. Afterward, she got angry because she had been worried and I was “ignoring her”. I was honestly proud of myself for even picking up the phone to text the sentence I mentioned — it takes everything I have during an episode. Another time I had to pull over while driving because I couldn't see properly – a sign I am getting a migraine. I told her she didn't have to drive, that we could just wait a couple of hours until it passed — I only knew I needed to fall asleep, as that's the only thing that helps. She preferred to drive (and did it well), but was angry with me the whole time. For having a migraine I can't predict.

Her birthday party: I helped her prepare everything, met her family for the first time and some of her friends — I was genuinely quite stressed about it. The evening went well. Then we played a card drinking game and I drew a card asking what I really hate. She responded quickly instead of me saying out loud "children" and left the table. Her friends looked at me visibly confused. This was apparently because months earlier I'd said a couple should spend more time together before deciding they're ready for children (as I mentioned above). Two days later she told me she was also angry that day because I'd agreed with one of her female friends on some unimportant topic instead of her (I did not even realize, we were literally talking about labour law and I had an experience in that area so I gave my opinion, different to hers, without degrading her whatsoever). For the rest of that evening she had been cold to me as if I'd done something terrible. During such an important day.

Her sister's boyfriend: The first time I met him, we ended up briefly discussing some news related to our shared field of study — maybe five minutes, all of us eating breakfast together at the same table. She got cold immediately for a reason I didn't see. Even her sister (who she herself describes as impulsive) told her to be normal.

St. Nicholas Day: I secretly put her favorite snacks in her boot by the window the night before, playing along with the tradition as if "Santa brought them." When she asked if I'd gotten her something, I said no, wanting it to be a surprise. She got upset and pointed out that her mom had sent me something small. I said that wasn't really from her (I didn't mind — I actually don't like receiving presents), so she wasn't really in a position to argue. She kept going, even saying that she's a woman and it's normal for her to receive presents. Eventually I told her to check the window. She apologized and admitted she acted stupidly. This was rare — even when she does occasionally apologize, she usually tries to explain herself in a way that softens what she's apologizing for, so that in the end its my exaggeration.

The good parts

My family likes her. She's responsible and I have no concerns about fidelity. When she's in a good mood she's warm and caring, and she's great with children. I don't want to paint her as a villain at all.

But I've noticed that I'm starting to dread our bad moments more than I look forward to the good ones. I buy her flowers regularly. One month I overspent and didn't want to buy more at least until the next paycheck — and she reminded me it had been a while. Things that used to feel like gestures of love are starting to feel like obligations.

I've done two sessions of therapy for the first time in my life, partly because of career stress, but honestly also because I'm almost constantly anxious and thinking about whether we should break up. The worst periods came in the last eight months — around the time we moved in together and met each other's families, which I thought would bring us closer.

I started this relationship more certain than I'd ever been. More sure after a few weeks than I was after four years with my previous partner. I wanted to be with her. And now I'm here.

She thinks we're fine. She says these things happen and that we don't fight too much.

Part of what makes this hard to untangle is that I'm not sure of my own motives anymore. It feels like I might be unconsciously gathering arguments to justify breaking up, while still having real feelings for her. I don't know if I'm seeing the relationship clearly or if I'm sabotaging something good because I'm scared, or restless, or both.

This is the first time I've ever moved in with someone. We built something together — the flat, the routines, the life around it. And I'm turning 30 soon. I don't actually fear being alone — there's still a lot I want to do and figure out before settling down, and being single would simplify some of it — but I do fear making a mistake I can't undo. In either direction.

What I know for sure is that I'm not having a good time. And I'm not sure how much longer I can keep wondering whether that's her fault, my fault, or just what relationships look like when you're really in them.

If you've been through something similar, I'd genuinely appreciate hearing from you.

TL;DR: Been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years, moved in 6 months ago. She's frequently critical, controlling about my time and contact with people (mostly women), and our worst fights have left me feeling like I've lost something. Her difficult past explains some of it, but I don't know if things can change. I still have feelings for her but I'm anxious almost every day and don't know if I'm in a genuinely difficult relationship or sabotaging something good out of fear.

[Gebidozo]

Goodness…

She is a controlling, jealous, and borderline abusive person who is causing damage to your mental and physical health.

Run far away and break off all contact with her.

 

[Els]

This woman is a walking basket of red flags.

You mention you have "compromised" on contraception - please tell us that you haven't stopped using it! You'll be tied to her for at least 18 years if you get her pregnant.

You're both in your 20s. You've only been together for 1.5 years. If it doesn't feel right, there's no point in sticking with it. You both have all the time in the world, truly. I understand that this is your first serious relationship - but most people don't end up with their first serious relationship. Leaving will hurt at first, naturally, but it will get better, I promise.

21 hours ago, sneamer said:

just what relationships look like when you're really in them.

I've been with my husband for nearly two decades and I can assure you that this isn't true. No relationship is perfect, but no relationship should be like what you described, either.

[Herkamer63]

Trying to figure out where to begin with this, but I'll give it a try:

First off, despite some of the positives, she doesn't sound as genuine as she's being made out to be. You mentioned somewhere at the top about her being a Christian. I'm hear to say, as a Christian myself, that she's not one. To have this many anxieties, trust issues, jealousy, and to be so controlling, that doesn't spell out her being a Christian. Part of our faith is if you're in a relationship, and you're a woman, you should respect and submit to the man you're with. In other words, she must learn to trust you and give up some of her authority, a true sign of respect. She's not doing that, and that alone should tell you to get away from her. If she loves you, she will follow YOUR lead, not the other way around.

Which brings me to my next issue, moving in with her before marriage. Every time I read about a relationship going sideways on hear, or even with people I know, the first thing I find out is they move in together as bf/gf, instead of husband/wife. Some would argue that there's some leeway if you're engaged, but even then it's rocky. The love starts to fizzle out, there's constant fighting, and no one seems to trust one and other to do the right thing like paying bills, taking care of the household, or if there's kids involved (which I don't encourage having outside of marriage, but understand things happen) taking care of them. It's a fight for control and who does what, whereas a married couple, if they follow their vows and discussed their responsibilities as husband and wife before they move in together for the rest of their lives, the fights will not occur nearly as often, down every once a blue moon. This doesn't mean they won't have them, especially at the beginning , but that doesn't mean they don't love each other. Rather it's them figuring out what needs to happen because it's a lifelong commitment, and if children would come, you have to work as a team to make sure they're top priority, even over yourselves. Make time for moments between you two and love one and other, but the kids come first. The problem with bfs and gfs moving in together is they typically don't have these discussions. They react out of emotion rather than logic. Since they don't have wedding bands on, it's a sign they're not as committed to each other as they made out. This isn't saying that you yourself aren't committed to this woman, but since no vows were made, no ground rules, no plans, nor anything of the sort, in her mind, you're just a dude with the label of bf. Not as a human being, but rather an object that's paying for a home she probably isn't put much effort into. It's kind of a gripe of mine on this topic because there's so much to it, but the point is the greatest mistake that a lot of men make is moving in with their girlfriends without even thinking of the consequences and they end up paying for it. The most frustrating part of it is they see so many other men that have done it and get wrecked, then they think they're the exception to this, when the process repeats itself. It's as if they don't learn, and that's why I think the first and greatest mistake that not only you made but many other men make is moving in with women that are not even their wives.

Okay, so there's that. Next thing, and like many other people, you're putting this woman on a high pedestal. We've heard this all before. Me especially, because I was a man who did such a thing. I've encountered many women who I thought were very nice. Had the right morals, we believed in many of the same things, basically me thinking anytime I'd find a woman she was like a unicorn. The excuses I made for them because I was so in love (or at least I thought I was). Now, this isn't to say none of them were actually good, but some of them were not all what they were cracked up to be. One woman in particular was someone I thought was really into me. Long story short, she was very flirtatious around me, always made it seem like she was interested, and was very willing to go out with our friends. But when came to going out, just us two, something always came up. I ended up taking her out on one date, and, where we were still friends, we ultimately didn't get together. And the excuses I made for her: "She's really cool, doing roller derby and travels a lot." "She had something come up with her family, so we're not going out tonight, but she's reliable and honest enough to tell me that she'll make up for it." She believes in God like I do, even though she doesn't go church or follow much of what our faith teaches, but church is all around us and she's a free spirit." To be honest, these aren't word for word what I said, but it's heavily implied that's what I meant. Anyway, the truth was she was unreliable, starved for attention from other men, wasn't a Christian, and really wasn't as interested in me as she made out. I don't like admitting this, but, more or less, she friend-zoned me. That happened nearly 4 years ago, and during that time, I've seen and heard from other men being turned down the way I was (and many other guys, as well). It made me feel foolish because I talked her up so much only to discover she didn't think of me in the same light, and other people close to me heard about it and seen my pathetic situation. Again, we're still friends, but that's it. Outside of that, we don't talk much. So if you and this woman don't work out and you find another one, don't get too excited and make her out to be something she may not.

The other thing I've noticed on here is how she doesn't really care much about what you have to say. Again, it comes back to respect. You mentioned she likes to narrow conversation topics, in particular social stuff (which sounds more like gossip), while you like to talk about stuff that's factual and she doesn't seem to care much about what you have to say. It's as if she expects you to pay attention about what she has to say but not you. That's a sign she thinks whatever you have to say outside of anything you find interesting is irrelevant but wants you to accept everything she's saying as important. Yeah, some of it can come down to men and women are interested in different things, which is true, but just to blow you off as if you have nothing important to say, that's different, especially when it affects you two directly.

I've noticed, based on what you're saying, is you've put in a lot of thought and effort into this relationship. Planned events, birthdays, social gatherings, you're active. That's good. However, and I'm going to be honest with you here, your gf doesn't sound all that grateful. Getting upset with you when things may not go 100% the way she wanted it, even though she never really planned any of it herself. Her getting upset because you talked to her sister's bf on a topic you both found interesting for a few minutes. That's bs because men have as much freedom to talk about the things they're interested in as women. That just sounds like she wanted you to sit there like a good boy, keep your mouth closed, and listen to her ramble on and on. It wasn't like you were talking to another woman and flirting with her instead of your gf, so I call that a sign of her wanting all the attention on herself from everyone at the breakfast instead of 2 sisters and their bfs getting together for a meal to talk and catch up. Speaking of other women, she's overly against you talking to any other female. I get that trying to converse with someone of the opposite gender can be considered risky, due to attraction, but under the right circumstances, so long as the two parties don't have any romantic feelings towards each other, it's fine. Just keep it friendly and nothing more. However, my question is does she have male friends? How often does she talk to them? Is it right for her to talk to them but you not allowed to talk to other women? Is she so blinded by her own jealousy and insecurity that she doesn't see that you're committed to her and not another woman? You don't have to answer all that, but the point is she's making it seem like the whole "rules for thee but not for me" trope. I'd be careful with that one.

To wrap this up, it doesn't really matter if your family and others outside that relationship think about this woman. Even though you're trying to make it seem like everything's fine, but they're clearly not. Like I was, I think you like the idea of this woman, accepting all the good but not taking into account the negatives, and from what it sounds like there's a lot of negatives. And like me before, it's on your mind constantly. The one question that kept reoccurring to me I can see happening to you: does she actually like me? You may say 'yes' now on here, but because of all this justification talk and the problems she brings, that's really what's being asked. Trust me, even though you may pretend it doesn't bother you, it comes up throughout the day. It effects your work, relationship with family and friends, and your mental health. All of this isn't intentional nor does it mean you're a creep or weird. It's normal because, again, you like the idea of this girl. But you have to remember the other people close to you. I'll give out another truth, your family and friends are, at this point in time, more important. They actually love and care about you. I don't think this woman does, at least not to the degree that you like her. Whenever I really liked a woman, there were times I forgot about my family and friends, especially when they were willing to do things with and for me. Foolishly, I thought whoever said woman was would be the one that actually count. The reason: I thought that there was a chance that she was the one. But, obviously, there hasn't been a single one where I thought was wife material that would marry me. Anyway, if there's a way to exit this relationship with this woman you're with, do it. She's not worth it. If she puts on this amount of stress and overthinking on you, she is far more trouble than what she's worth. It sounds like you're a decent enough guy and open to doing certain things. Maybe something else to consider is to practice Christianity, learn and read up on what the Bible says. Just a thought, and it can help you avoid women like this. Bottom line, find a way to get out of the house/apartment with this woman, have all your receipts ready when gathering your belongings, and call off the relationship. There are women out there that won't give you this amount of trouble this current gf is giving you.

[ShyViolet]

It's really concerning that you would even need to ask us whether these things are normal in a relationship.  Do you really think this relationship is normal and ok?  Let me spell it out.... this relationship sounds completely toxic and you sound miserable in it.  Why on earth haven't you already ended it?  You need to break up with her, and don't date again until you do some serious work on your self-esteem so you develop skills to not think it's ok for someone to treat you like this in the future.

[petee]

Remove yourself from this seriously abusive relationship; she seems toxic and controlling.