She is starting to be distant - 3 months of dating

[jdann]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't necessarily agree - not for her sake, but for yours. 

My concern is that not saying anything ever again will keep you stuck longer than simply telling her you were disappointed and why, and eding it plainly with no loose ends. Given how attached you already are, I think if you don't say anything at all to her, this ending will eat away you, wondering what she is thinking, if she's going to reach out again and so on. I don't think it's very realistic to expect yourself to have the mental fortitude to go silent on her forever, I see that lasting for maybe a day or two before you find yourself wanting to contact her anyway.

So in your shoes, I would be direct, clear and close the door with no unfinished business left dangling in the back of your mind. 

Okay but when and what should I say ? 
 

I’ve had a very productive day today so have been busy, a friend told me she’s posted a one of those cryptic message stories on Instagram about her only loves being her girls and friendships etc, so she must be a bit upset about me not replying yesterday, but this is most likely a breadcrumb 

 

im completely okay reaching out to say something, but depending on how conversation goes, it could put me back in a loop.

 

people on here say block and delete and others say close the door, confusing !

[FredEire]

7 minutes ago, jdann said:

Okay but when and what should I say ? 
 

I’ve had a very productive day today so have been busy, a friend told me she’s posted a one of those cryptic message stories on Instagram about her only loves being her girls and friendships etc, so she must be a bit upset about me not replying yesterday, but this is most likely a breadcrumb 

 

im completely okay reaching out to say something, but depending on how conversation goes, it could put me back in a loop.

 

people on here say block and delete and others say close the door, confusing !

Everyone has a different opinion, both options are valid. It depends if you want to close the chapter for your sake or just completely move on silently. If you think you could just wash your hands and be done with it unfollow her and delete the chats, if you think you'd have that niggling voice in your head that maybe she had feelings all along, maybe I messed it up etc then a short message might be better as @ExpatInItaly said.

With the Instagram stuff, its unfortunatley very common for someone to do something downright rude like invite you to stay at theirs and then go silent, and then the next day when you don't respond to her breadcrumb texts she frames herself as the victim. He didnt respond to me so he doesnt care etc. I think its easier to frame herself in her own head as being rejected rather than admit that she did the rejecting but didnt have it in her to communicate that in an adult way.

It depends what closes things off in a more peaceful and grounded way for you. Id be in the camp of sending a short text like, "Hey, hope you're well. I was excited to see you the other night but I didn't end up hearing from you and it made me realise we're on different pages. No hard feelings and I wish you all the best, take care."

 

[Gebidozo]

8 minutes ago, jdann said:

Okay but when and what should I say ? 

Just tell her that you were hurt by the fact that she stood you up.

To be honest, I generally don’t understand the way you communicate with her. You analyze every message, every word she says, every response delay, yet you seem to never tell her anything directly.

I’d be mad if a girl I was dating ghosted me on the day of the date like that. I’d immediately call her and ask for explanations. And then take it from there, depending on what she says.

I don’t think you should delete and block her. She reached out to you. Talk back to her, tell her that you’re hurt. What if she apologizes and understands that she was wrong?

 

[Gebidozo]

3 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Id be in the camp of sending a short text like, "Hey, hope you're well. I was excited to see you the other night but I didn't end up hearing from you and it made me realise we're on different pages. No hard feelings and I wish you all the best, take care."

This is definitely better than not communicating with her, but my text would be more like, “Hey, we set up a date and you stood me up without any explanation. I have feelings for you, and those feelings were hurt. What’s going on? Please be honest and direct with me”.

[FredEire]

I do have some thoughts on things more broadly as everything you've described echoes some stuff Ive gone through as well. Bear in mind this is just my opinion.

It seems to me that this girl wasn't very mature based on how things ended up and she chose to breadcrumb and then ghost instead of sending a simple message like the one above.

It also seems like this dynamic triggers off your anxiety and makes you both more invested in it and act a bit less grounded and more immature yourself.

You mentioned that you've dated other girls who you didn't have anywhere near the same level of anxiety and investment in, and I maybe be wrong but I suspect they might have been more straightforward better communicators and the interest was never in question. Because of this there's no game to play and nothing to prove, and you don't have to push to win her over.

Maybe you deeply crave someone who kind of brings out the worst in you, i.e. constant anxiety and longing, and overanalysing every text and interaction and becoming needy. You think that making a happily ever after with her would mend those tendencies in yourself, and fix her issues as well.

But instead it just brings you both down to the level of anxious teenagers playing a game, and in the end everyone involved ends up more anxious, frustrated and unfulfilled.

Maybe you'd be better off working on that anxiety on your own, so that the prospect of a straightforward relationship with an adult woman with good communication skills appeals to you more than flaky stuff that fires up your nervous system and plays with your anxiety.

I may be way off, its just some similarities I've observed with my own experiences. Hopefully some of that may strike a chord with you.

[Sanch62]

23 minutes ago, jdann said:

im completely okay reaching out to say something, but depending on how conversation goes, it could put me back in a loop.

people on here say block and delete and others say close the door, confusing !

Polling others only goes so far when the biggest goal of maturity is to learn how to listen to our own gut.

So consider what your intentions are, and let those guide you to decide--what do you WANT to do?

[FredEire]

9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

This is definitely better than not communicating with her, but my text would be more like, “Hey, we set up a date and you stood me up without any explanation. I have feelings for you, and those feelings were hurt. What’s going on? Please be honest and direct with me”.

Yeah I think thats valid too, it depends if OP wants an answer rather than just closing the door on his terms.

I'd say though if OP sends that text he should be prepared for a bit of an unsatisfactory answer, I.e. something flaky or even a bit accusatory. The fact that she was prepared to stand him up in the first place shows that being upfront emotionally isn't one of her strong points.

[jdann]

Thanks all this is such good advice.

 

with above maybe I agree with becuase she’s been a different with communicating it spiked my interest more and made me want to chase more, that whole want what you can’t have. 
 

I’ve had time to think about what I want, I would like to work on things as see an improvement because the other 90% is GOOD. 
 

my emotions was for sure amplified becuase it was my birthday.

I think I will drop her a text when I’m ready highlighting that I was hurt with the message we haven’t seemed on the same page for the last 10days. 
 

I will be open to working on it but I’ve done all this work to accept if we can’t, then I move on 

 

 

 

[FredEire]

5 minutes ago, jdann said:

Thanks all this is such good advice.

 

with above maybe I agree with becuase she’s been a different with communicating it spiked my interest more and made me want to chase more, that whole want what you can’t have. 
 

I’ve had time to think about what I want, I would like to work on things as see an improvement because the other 90% is GOOD. 
 

my emotions was for sure amplified becuase it was my birthday.

I think I will drop her a text when I’m ready highlighting that I was hurt with the message we haven’t seemed on the same page for the last 10days. 
 

I will be open to working on it but I’ve done all this work to accept if we can’t, then I move on 

 

 

 

Right. I agree with other posters that maybe your communication with her hasn't been the best, but I somewhat disagree that it comes from you alone, as its usually a dynamic between the two people. I suspect that she was probably somewhat aloof or hot/cold from the beginning, and that sparked your anxiety and started you chasing and playing mind games with her and yourself. With a girl who is more direct and open you may well be more direct and open yourself, but less emotionally stimulated.

A healthier reaction might be "Hmm dont know about this girl. I don't really know where I stand with her" rather than "Something feels a bit off here, I need to figure out what's going on and fix it". And when you run into someone whos a really good communicator "This is great, I feel like we're on the same page and things are going well" rather than "Hmm this isn't much of a challenge, BORING!"

Some of us (including myself) are just wired this way, but I think its important to get to the bottom of it, not through a relationship but more self-exploration. Otherwise, your relationships may continue to be as frustrating as this one was.