She is starting to be distant - 3 months of dating

[jdann]

1 hour ago, Sanch62 said:

You're projecting your bad vibes onto her. You're pouting because she didn't respond last night. You're being needy, and you'll shoot yourself in the foot because people can smell that stuff from miles away.

Fix your thinking, or you'll make up stories in your head and react to those as though they are true. That'll blow you out of the water.

Thank you Sanch, I will admit yes I feel needy and emotional but I am expressing that on here, not to her.

We did exchange a few texts this afternoon and she called me tonight and we had a catch up on the phone, again a positive !

the last 2 days have for sure been more positive externally, I still feel weak though as the anxiety since I made this post has made me lose my appetite etc. 

I think what I’ve learnt is as the texting has never been amazing but I felt an even worse dip, but the phone calls and meets are good, this can just be a method of communication which I’m adapting to. You see my last relationships have never really been a phone calling one, just lots of back and forth texting all day, so this is maybe my brain goes overdrive becuase it’s maybe what I’ve been used too.

I do appreciate eveyones feedback, it helps me relax and see perspective. 
 

 

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, jdann said:

I think what I’ve learnt is as the texting has never been amazing but I felt an even worse dip, but the phone calls and meets are good, this can just be a method of communication which I’m adapting to. You see my last relationships have never really been a phone calling one, just lots of back and forth texting all day, so this is maybe my brain goes overdrive becuase it’s maybe what I’ve been used too.

It's good you're considering this. Most people outgrow babysitting one another over texts, so comparing people's text tolerance can be a disservice to yourself.

Also make room for normalizing after the flood of initial attraction. Nobody can stay pumped up inside a love bubble for very long before real life intrudes with a pin to pop that thing. So, expecting one's intensity of focus to remain locked on high is a setup for disappointment. This panics some people because they view a leveling of intensity as 'bad,' or pulling away, when it's just a normal face value thing about living.

For your own head, try to simplify. You don't need to drill into seeing a zebra when it's just a horse. Let good dates be something to enjoy beyond the date itself rather than clobbering great experiences with control-freakish fears by making up 'shoulds' and driving yourself batty with those.

Head high, and enjOy!

[jdann]

8 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

It's good you're considering this. Most people outgrow babysitting one another over texts, so comparing people's text tolerance can be a disservice to yourself.

Also make room for normalizing after the flood of initial attraction. Nobody can stay pumped up inside a love bubble for very long before real life intrudes with a pin to pop that thing. So, expecting one's intensity of focus to remain locked on high is a setup for disappointment. This panics some people because they view a leveling of intensity as 'bad,' or pulling away, when it's just a normal face value thing about living.

For your own head, try to simplify. You don't need to drill into seeing a zebra when it's just a horse. Let good dates be something to enjoy beyond the date itself rather than clobbering great experiences with control-freakish fears by making up 'shoulds' and driving yourself batty with those.

Head high, and enjOy!

Thank you for Sanch this is great information!

It does make sense as sending eachother reels like 20 times a day has also slowed down! Not something I look into really though as I am not an active Instagram user.

I don't think we are seeing each other this weekend, she is quite busy with friends so I left the ball in her court with saying let me know when you're next free. I have a derby football game to focus on tomorrow!

 

 

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, jdann said:

Thank you for Sanch this is great information!

It does make sense as sending eachother reels like 20 times a day has also slowed down! Not something I look into really though as I am not an active Instagram user.

I don't think we are seeing each other this weekend, she is quite busy with friends so I left the ball in her court with saying let me know when you're next free. I have a derby football game to focus on tomorrow!

 

 

So I do think this is a mistake, personally.

I do this with my friends, maybe with a girlfriend, maybe even with someone Ive been seeing for a few months, we're regularly staying over at eachothers places and I know where I stand.

It's just my take on it, but I think at the beginning when you're still getting to know eachother, you haven't even spent a night together, communication should be light and more focused on meeting up, not sending nonsense reels to eachother all day.

I think that kind of thing kills any sense of mystery or intrigue, she knows exactly who you are, and what you offer, so youre more in the category of a guy who she can spend time with now and again than a potential boyfriend, which might explain what you've been feeling lately

[jdann]

4 minutes ago, FredEire said:

So I do think this is a mistake, personally.

I do this with my friends, maybe with a girlfriend, maybe even with someone Ive been seeing for a few months, we're regularly staying over at eachothers places and I know where I stand.

It's just my take on it, but I think at the beginning when you're still getting to know eachother, you haven't even spent a night together, communication should be light and more focused on meeting up, not sending nonsense reels to eachother all day.

I think that kind of thing kills any sense of mystery or intrigue, she knows exactly who you are, and what you offer, so youre more in the category of a guy who she can spend time with now and again than a potential boyfriend, which might explain what you've been feeling lately

Oh I have stayed around hers a couple of times and and we have made out and done other things, just not sex!

She is very clean and made it clear to make sure we do a testing before we have sex, which is perfectly understanding, being on antibiotics for a virus last month, I had to wait due to that effecting a result.

Anyway the test is done and I'm waiting the result , this is the longest I have waited for sex while dating and I actually like that it makes something to look forward to? This modern age you can sleep with someone without even dating !

[FredEire]

30 minutes ago, jdann said:

Oh I have stayed around hers a couple of times and and we have made out and done other things, just not sex!

She is very clean and made it clear to make sure we do a testing before we have sex, which is perfectly understanding, being on antibiotics for a virus last month, I had to wait due to that effecting a result.

Anyway the test is done and I'm waiting the result , this is the longest I have waited for sex while dating and I actually like that it makes something to look forward to? This modern age you can sleep with someone without even dating !

Yes but the point still stands. I have had very good dates with women I was dating and after sex just didn't connect in that sense and feelings completely changed, sometimes on my ends, sometimes on hers, sometimes both. The first time you properly spend the night together isn't the same as a makeout session or a bit of foreplay, its commonly a bit of a turning point in either direction.

But the broader point I'm making isn't really about sex, but Im using it to point out that its a basic building block of a potential relationship, and youre still missing plenty of those before you both decide that this is someone youre going to commit to.

Youre jumping the gun by doing overly familiar stuff like spamming eachother with reels already

[jdann]

59 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yes but the point still stands. I have had very good dates with women I was dating and after sex just didn't connect in that sense and feelings completely changed, sometimes on my ends, sometimes on hers, sometimes both. The first time you properly spend the night together isn't the same as a makeout session or a bit of foreplay, its commonly a bit of a turning point in either direction.

But the broader point I'm making isn't really about sex, but Im using it to point out that its a basic building block of a potential relationship, and youre still missing plenty of those before you both decide that this is someone youre going to commit to.

Youre jumping the gun by doing overly familiar stuff like spamming eachother with reels already

Hahaha well just when I thought things was going positive you post this

 

I think I’m entitled to express vulnerability on here right ? Not to her, isn’t that a practice of getting the nervous energy off my chest ? 
 

I’m not going to go into have sex with negative thoughts of what would happen after I don’t think I’ve had a bad experience with that so far.

 

i appreciate the feedback and I can see you’re trying to help. I don’t believe I have jumped the gun with anything yet otherwise I would have make a major mistake somewhere  

 

[jdann]

So just wanted to give an update - 

 

had a nice phone call yesterday and then I went out for some drinks with friends.

we text a little this morning and I had a game and then she is off at an event with her friends. Seems like a pretty normal day.

She has not asked when she can see me yet but will continue to just play cool.

Hope you’re all having a good weekend  

[Carlston]

She's waiting for you to take the lead.

 

 

[jdann]

2 hours ago, Carlston said:

She's waiting for you to take the lead.

 

 

I feel like I did last time we saw eachother ! 
 

I put ideas for this weekend but as she said she had plans I said let me know when you’re next free. Balls in her court on that. 
 

We have spoke of the idea over going over hers for a movie soon and we have one we both want to watch.

 

i like I’ll let the weekend play out before I ask to see her again (if she doesn’t ask first) 

[FredEire]

On 10/31/2025 at 2:25 PM, jdann said:

Hahaha well just when I thought things was going positive you post this

 

I think I’m entitled to express vulnerability on here right ? Not to her, isn’t that a practice of getting the nervous energy off my chest ? 
 

I’m not going to go into have sex with negative thoughts of what would happen after I don’t think I’ve had a bad experience with that so far.

 

i appreciate the feedback and I can see you’re trying to help. I don’t believe I have jumped the gun with anything yet otherwise I would have make a major mistake somewhere  

 

I think you're getting the wrong end of the stick here.

I wasn't having a go at you or saying that you have to expect anything negative, more that in the early stages you are still very much assessing eachother to see if you are actually compatible.

And if you decide that this is your person and get overly familiar before it's merited, it can create an imbalance. I only say that as someone whos been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't sense you're all that close in the first place. You're texting each other so much--and texting frequency is not a sign of interest or compatibility.

If she's pulling back, then that's her. You don't want to fight to have someone stay in the relationship. If they can't show up with enthusiasm, then dating them will be a big waste of time. Sex will not solve the issue of disconnection that you are writing about. 

[jdann]

Hi All - Just wanted to update -

So the last couple of days have been okay we have caught up a little with texting but have evening calls in the evening to catch up on our days.

My birthday is this weekend and she has not asked to make any plans yet - I believe this is going to be the make or break for me.

If no effort is really made that much then that will give me the clear indication and will start to move on, as I feel like I am starting to have limerence as this whole situation has taken over my brain this last week which is not healthy !!

It's a shame as I really do like and her see a future with her, but if her enthusiasm is no longer there, then I have to go NC. 

[Gebidozo]

There has been way too much texting and not enough action here.

I think you’ve invested in her too much emotionally while forgetting to take initiative and focus on things that advance relationships.

And yes, sex is one of those things. Personally, I wouldn’t drag out a romantic connection that hasn’t resulted in sex within such a long time. But then again, I’d be much more active bringing the connection to that point.

You appear to overthink a lot, basing your judgment on text messages, and come across as somewhat insecure and needy in your communication with her, which might be exhausting to her.

Now, again, you’re being very passive, waiting for her messages concerning her plans for her birthday. First of all, to many people birthdays mean very little or nothing at all. Second, it’s your birthday, make your plans and involve her in them if you so wish. But waiting for her to do or not to do something and then proceeding or ending things based on that is a strange way to communicate and to act in dating situations.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, jdann said:

My birthday is this weekend and she has not asked to make any plans yet - I believe this is going to be the make or break for me.

You realize she is probably expecting that invite to come from you, right? 

It's your birthday. I would feel awakward about involving myself in a new guy's birthday if he hadn't mentioned plans to me or otherwise indicated that he wanted me involved. I am not sure why you are sitting by and expecting her to the be the one to take the bull by the horns on this one. 

[jdann]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

There has been way too much texting and not enough action here.

I think you’ve invested in her too much emotionally while forgetting to take initiative and focus on things that advance relationships.

And yes, sex is one of those things. Personally, I wouldn’t drag out a romantic connection that hasn’t resulted in sex within such a long time. But then again, I’d be much more active bringing the connection to that point.

You appear to overthink a lot, basing your judgment on text messages, and come across as somewhat insecure and needy in your communication with her, which might be exhausting to her.

Now, again, you’re being very passive, waiting for her messages concerning her plans for her birthday. First of all, to many people birthdays mean very little or nothing at all. Second, it’s your birthday, make your plans and involve her in them if you so wish. But waiting for her to do or not to do something and then proceeding or ending things based on that is a strange way to communicate and to act in dating situations.

 

Thank you for the feedback! I will admit I am coming across needy but on here, my exchanges have been calm, light and its good over the phone!

 

I have to admit yes, I have overthought a lot of the last week, this is why I opted to post this on the forum to use as a journal and put the nervous energy here, rather than into her.

 

I did ask last week if she wanted to go to a ice hockey game Sunday evening (Which is my birthday) and she was not to sure as she travels for work early on Monday mornings. Other than that the only plans I have are to see my parents, if I asked her to come along, this could scare her off as it would be the first time meeting my parents. 

 

I left plans with her an general when I saw her last week as she has stuff going on, I said just let me know when you would be free. Do i follow up on this as I have read on other forums / dating advice is the whole "ball is now in her court thing"

 

I admit reading back it does sound all crazy and I am overthinking but I would just  like some advice on what to do next!

[ExpatInItaly]

45 minutes ago, jdann said:

I did ask last week if she wanted to go to a ice hockey game Sunday evening (Which is my birthday) and she was not to sure as she travels for work early on Monday mornings.

So suggest something earlier in the day? 

[flitzanu]

9 hours ago, jdann said:

 

 

I left plans with her an general when I saw her last week as she has stuff going on, I said just let me know when you would be free. Do i follow up on this as I have read on other forums / dating advice is the whole "ball is now in her court thing"

 

the tricky part of this is, you still want to try to invite her to something definite.  if she's busy then she can decline and offer an alternative, but just saying "ok let me know when you might be free" will just leave everything open ended, because life happens all day every day, and you want to be clear to her that you want to see her and set aside time to see her.

[Sanch62]

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's your birthday. I would feel awakward about involving myself in a new guy's birthday if he hadn't mentioned plans to me or otherwise indicated that he wanted me involved. I am not sure why you are sitting by and expecting her to the be the one to take the bull by the horns on this one. 

I agree. This is too big of a 'test'. She's not your GF who feels empowered to plan something for your BD. She's a bystander you've been dating to get to know better.

[jdann]

Just a daily update of yesterday. We exchanged a couple of texts and had a nice call in the evening and I took your guys advice and just straight up said, what are you doing this weekend, I'd like to see you.

We have made plans for Friday night and a bit of Saturday morning which is great. I look really forward to seeing her as she's just an amazing person to spend time with.

We also spoke about her upcoming birthday, she has a day out with her family on her birthday but said will reserve time to see me the day before, I think I am going to take her out to a Gin making experience which I hope she will like!

Edited Thursday at 07:42 AM by jdann

[FredEire]

13 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

I agree. This is too big of a 'test'. She's not your GF who feels empowered to plan something for your BD. She's a bystander you've been dating to get to know better.

Yeah, that's the overall feeling I've got from this thread too. It's still at the beginning stages where they are getting to know each other and there's a bit of excitement and intrigue, but OP is acting somewhat like they're already an item.

Just IMO, but it maybe doesn't give any space for the relationship to develop into anything more, because she already knows exactly who you are. If your instinct was right that she was drifting away/pulling back a bit I think that might explain it.

It also seems like you are quite focused on feeling validated by her wanting to make plans with you, rather than seeing if she is a good fit by assessing how much (or otherwise) she really fits into your own life.

[jdann]

38 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah, that's the overall feeling I've got from this thread too. It's still at the beginning stages where they are getting to know each other and there's a bit of excitement and intrigue, but OP is acting somewhat like they're already an item.

Just IMO, but it maybe doesn't give any space for the relationship to develop into anything more, because she already knows exactly who you are. If your instinct was right that she was drifting away/pulling back a bit I think that might explain it.

It also seems like you are quite focused on feeling validated by her wanting to make plans with you, rather than seeing if she is a good fit by assessing how much (or otherwise) she really fits into your own life.

When you say she already knows exactly who I am, what do you mean by this?

I do feel close to her I agree, but I do not think we are already an item and I respect her space and do not blow up her phone.

Yes I was focused that she would make plans with me for my birthday, I want to spend time with her!

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, jdann said:

When you say she already knows exactly who I am, what do you mean by this?

I do feel close to her I agree, but I do not think we are already an item and I respect her space and do not blow up her phone.

Yes I was focused that she would make plans with me for my birthday, I want to spend time with her!

I mean that the initial stages of dating are about intrigue. You dont know much about this person, they don't know much about you. The first meetings, the chats, the chemistry building, the first night together etc.

I've always found that as someone who has gone through both periods of being very busy and dating a lot, and low periods where I was a bit more desperate for connection, that things have flowed and clicked only when I was coming from a place initially of assessing the person I was dating to see if they were someone suitable to let into my life, rather than ushering them straight in because of some initial feeling.

Since you've been dating for just a few weeks and are still pretty much in the "talking stage", it should be on her just as much as you to step up and show you that she is worth being a big part of your life. I don't think where you are at right now merits stuff like silently hoping she wants to do something with you for your birthday, she seems to have a little bit of an inflated importance in your life, which can throw things off balance.

[jdann]

8 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I mean that the initial stages of dating are about intrigue. You dont know much about this person, they don't know much about you. The first meetings, the chats, the chemistry building, the first night together etc.

I've always found that as someone who has gone through both periods of being very busy and dating a lot, and low periods where I was a bit more desperate for connection, that things have flowed and clicked only when I was coming from a place initially of assessing the person I was dating to see if they were someone suitable to let into my life, rather than ushering them straight in because of some initial feeling.

Since you've been dating for just a few weeks and are still pretty much in the "talking stage", it should be on her just as much as you to step up and show you that she is worth being a big part of your life. I don't think where you are at right now merits stuff like silently hoping she wants to do something with you for your birthday, she seems to have a little bit of an inflated importance in your life, which can throw things off balance.

Thank you, understood. 

It's been 3 months, we started dating at the end of July. We have been consistent of seeing each other at least once a week. I agree with you about her deciding if she wants to be a big part of my life.

I have seen people talk about the 3-6-9 rule in dating, as we are around that 3 months, maybe that honeymoon phase has taken a dip and we have got a bit too comfortable than we should be. 

The next 3 weeks will be important, my birthday, then her birthday and then early December we have spoken about a trip to London together, dependent on how that trip goes, if it goes well, my goal is to ask her to be my girlfriend. But I know we are still a while from there and other things can change, but I think there is a positive in goal setting. 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, jdann said:

Thank you, understood. 

It's been 3 months, we started dating at the end of July. We have been consistent of seeing each other at least once a week. I agree with you about her deciding if she wants to be a big part of my life.

I have seen people talk about the 3-6-9 rule in dating, as we are around that 3 months, maybe that honeymoon phase has taken a dip and we have got a bit too comfortable than we should be. 

The next 3 weeks will be important, my birthday, then her birthday and then early December we have spoken about a trip to London together, dependent on how that trip goes, if it goes well, my goal is to ask her to be my girlfriend. But I know we are still a while from there and other things can change, but I think there is a positive in goal setting. 

Well the thing is her deciding if she wants to be a big part of your life is not really for you to worry about. That's her business, what you decide is if she fits into yours, but you seem to have already decided that a long time ago.

I don't agree with the last thing you said. I think if you are planning futures together already with someone you aren't officially dating, haven't been intimate with, and was recently saying you thought was starting to fade out a bit, you are setting yourself up for a major crash if it doesn't go how you imagined. And believe me I've been there.

Nobody on this forum really knows how committed she is, and it doesnt seem like you're too sure either hence you started this thread. She could see you as a potential boyfriend, she could also see you as just a guy who's fun to flirt with and go on dates with sometimes but nothing more. I'm not trying to be cruel, but it seems like you're majorly into this girl and as I've said I've been there, it can mess with your perception.

If you take a step back, logically why would you be mentally committing to so many future plans if you don't really know that she feels the same way? I think if you downgrade her importance to a promising maybe rather than a future GF, it might take your foot off the gas a bit and balance things out.