She is starting to be distant - 3 months of dating

[jdann]

3 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yep but this is the thing, when you are kind of semi not that into the girl you probably breeze through it and make her feel at ease and then she's the one who is chasing you and wondering how into her you are.

Suddenly now you have met someone you've become infatuated with, and your brain is on high alert scanning for problems all the time, which massively up the intensity when its not really justified for the situation.

You need to have a balance between you feelings and it triggering some kind of adrenaline state. Part of that Id suggest is gentle self reminders that you don't really know this girl yet, she's flawed and not as perfect as you have built her up to be, and youre still in the very early stages of dating. You can't just "wire your brain not to be like this" unfortunately but you can calm your nervous system.

Yeah haha this is so true ! 
 

I’m making effort to keep balance and not overthink, easy said than done but I’m quite a disciplined person so will keep going at it.

 

Weird how it’s just come on in the last week, first 3 months I had none of this

[FredEire]

30 minutes ago, jdann said:

Yeah haha this is so true ! 
 

I’m making effort to keep balance and not overthink, easy said than done but I’m quite a disciplined person so will keep going at it.

 

Weird how it’s just come on in the last week, first 3 months I had none of this

Yeah its because she's pulling away a bit, and it tugs on your anxiety and sends you scrambling to win her attention back.

The problem is that's only going to push her further away. The trick is to pull back yourself, chill and see if she closes the distance again naturally.

I would say earlier on as well its a good idea for this reason to start spamming eachother with memes etc. Keep your communication light and easy and more focused on meeting up.

[jdann]

57 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah its because she's pulling away a bit, and it tugs on your anxiety and sends you scrambling to win her attention back.

The problem is that's only going to push her further away. The trick is to pull back yourself, chill and see if she closes the distance again naturally.

I would say earlier on as well its a good idea for this reason to start spamming eachother with memes etc. Keep your communication light and easy and more focused on meeting up.

Yeah it’s the trigger for sure and yeah I’m being a bit more centre focused 

she did send me a picture out of the blue of what she’s wearing tonight as she’s seeing friends, she looked gorgeous I won’t lie

but I’m seeing her after the event which she said I can stay at hers tonight, so a positive 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, jdann said:

Yeah it’s the trigger for sure and yeah I’m being a bit more centre focused 

she did send me a picture out of the blue of what she’s wearing tonight as she’s seeing friends, she looked gorgeous I won’t lie

but I’m seeing her after the event which she said I can stay at hers tonight, so a positive 

Well that all sounds positive.

Just go with the flow, dont pay too much attention to the overthinking, its not good for you.

[jdann]

Well update 

 

she’s ghosted on me tonight, had plans to see her after she saw her friend, all confirmed to stay over. Heard nothing all night just checked in to see if she was staying out instead and no reply.

 

Do I start NC and move on ? Just find it a little disrespectful as communication is important to me.

 

Can’t believe I’m posting on here on my birthday 

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, jdann said:

Well update 

 

she’s ghosted on me tonight, had plans to see her after she saw her friend, all confirmed to stay over. Heard nothing all night just checked in to see if she was staying out instead and no reply.

 

Do I start NC and move on ? Just find it a little disrespectful as communication is important to me.

 

Can’t believe I’m posting on here on my birthday 

Sorry to hear it.

Yeah I would say that's a pretty clear sign to move on.

Maybe the lesson is not to get too invested in the early stages. Not just because it can throw things off but also because nobody you're casually dating and don't really know much about is worth feeling sad about on your birthday.

You should be out enjoying yourself with friends and family, and it's you deciding if she's worth bringing along to the party, only if she's showing initiative and you feel a good connection.

If you catch feelings in a similar manner for someone else accept you have those feelings but maybe try and balance it out with a bit of a logical reality check about what the relationship really is at that stage: very early doors and very subject to change.

[Gaeta]

km

On 10/28/2025 at 6:41 AM, jdann said:

We spoke about being bf/gf once a month back but agreed we was on good momentum and was happy to build on what we have.

I"m very sorry for how it ended. Block and delete her and move on. She is not worthy of your time, and not worthy of reading your words.

What l quoted indicates she was not that into you. When people are into each other nothing is so vague....l like you, you like me, let's date each other. It's that simple. If you don't get that it's because someone isn't genuine.

Happy birthday!

[FredEire]

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

km

I"m very sorry for how it ended. Block and delete her and move on. She is not worthy of your time, and not worthy of reading your words.

What l quoted indicates she was not that into you. When people are into each other nothing is so vague....l like you, you like me, let's date each other. It's that simple. If you don't get that it's because someone isn't genuine.

Happy birthday!

Agree.

Also I'm all for being careful and hopefully that was just her preference but the STI check thing could also have been a way of keeping her distance because she liked the dates and company but didn't consider you a regular sexual partner.

In any case I hope you enjoyed your day as well. She really isn't worth spending it miserable over. Happy birthday!

[jdann]

Thank you both 

I have slept zero all night and can feel my appetite going again.

i don’t really have much planned today, only seeing family for a bit, fear I’m in for a day of anxiety and overthinking 

[ExpatInItaly]

51 minutes ago, jdann said:

fear I’m in for a day of anxiety and overthinking 

I'm sorry this happened. 

But really, this doesn't require over-thinking. Over-thinking suggests you might be incorrecty interpreting her behaviour here. or seeing something negative where there's nothing to worry about. However,I no longer think that's the case. 

If you two had confirmed plans and she completely flaked on you, the message is simple, loud and clear: she isn't interested the way you are and isn't a respetful person. I think it's incredibly rude of her to have apparently bailed without a word to you. 

 

[jdann]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm sorry this happened. 

But really, this doesn't require over-thinking. Over-thinking suggests you might be incorrecty interpreting her behaviour here. or seeing something negative where there's nothing to worry about. However,I no longer think that's the case. 

If you two had confirmed plans and she completely flaked on you, the message is simple, loud and clear: she isn't interested the way you are and isn't a respetful person. I think it's incredibly rude of her to have apparently bailed without a word to you. 

 

I wish it was that easy to just not overthink !

 

Im more surprised about it, a simple text would have made things easier to know.

 

Back to the drawing board I guess, I’m 32, no kids but I really do want a family. I know it’s not as bad for a male as we don’t have a body clock, but really thought I’d be settled by now.

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, jdann said:

I wish it was that easy to just not overthink !

What are you overthinking at this point, though? 

Or do you mean you can't stop thinking about it? 

 

[jdann]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What are you overthinking at this point, though? 

Or do you mean you can't stop thinking about it? 

 

The last 3 months really and why it’s come to this.

having to start again, and yes just thinking about the situation, it going to be on my mind most the day.

and she’s going to reach out with some excuse which is going to be frustrating 

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, that part is all normal for someone in your position. What she did her was crap, and it's going to sting for a little while.

And yes, I expect she will come up some sort of excuse. Be prepared for that. 

What was your plan with her last night, exactly? Had she told you to come over at a certain time, or? 

[jdann]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, that part is all normal for someone in your position. What she did her was crap, and it's going to sting for a little while.

And yes, I expect she will come up some sort of excuse. Be prepared for that. 

What was your plan with her last night, exactly? Had she told you to come over at a certain time, or? 

Yeah sucks for sure.

 

The plan was she was out for some fireworks with a friend and then I come over and stay at hers in the evening for film etc. time got late so just checked in to see if she was staying out but no reply.

 

She reached out this morning with a happy birthday and just said last night was heptic, no real apology or asking to rearrange so my mind set is it’s done now.

 

 

[FredEire]

6 hours ago, jdann said:

I wish it was that easy to just not overthink !

 

Im more surprised about it, a simple text would have made things easier to know.

 

Back to the drawing board I guess, I’m 32, no kids but I really do want a family. I know it’s not as bad for a male as we don’t have a body clock, but really thought I’d be settled by now.

You need to get this off your mind as well. I'm the same age as you, the same position. Life moves at its own pace, and its far more normal these days for people in our part of the world to still be single in their 30s.

When I turned thirty I was of the same mindset, I've only got X years left, oh god I'm screwed. But then I started to socialise with older people and theres still plenty still figuring things out in their 40s, 50s etc. The idea that life and starting again just ends around 30-35 is really a young man's mindset but not the lived reality.

So relax and realise that as long as you're healthy you've still got plenty of time left. I've also been on a few dates with women in their 30s recently who were clearly feeling the pressure as well and basically "boyfriend shopping". It all felt very stilted, contrived and just not very fun, and fun is what you need initially in a connection that works. Remember that same energy will come across if you're panicking that you haven't met "the one" yet.

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, jdann said:

Yeah sucks for sure.

 

The plan was she was out for some fireworks with a friend and then I come over and stay at hers in the evening for film etc. time got late so just checked in to see if she was staying out but no reply.

 

She reached out this morning with a happy birthday and just said last night was heptic, no real apology or asking to rearrange so my mind set is it’s done now.

 

 

I will say though that there seems to be a generally increasing trend of people just treating eachother poorly in dating and ghosting/starting pointless arguments etc. when they want to move on.

You need thick skin and to realise it says more about them than you. For your part, if you don't make yourself an option and show from the beginning that you are open to connection but you're not going to be someone handing out attention to people who don't deserve it, you'll probably end up more grounded and not twisting yourself up in emotional knots, and also show up anyone who's just a waste of your time quicker.

[jdann]

Thanks for the messages 

 

And I agree, when the last person I dated ended back in May, I didn’t care.

 

Today is overwhelmingly becuase it’s my birthday, I broke down to my parents as I just bottled it up and tried to show them I was strong but it was too much.

 

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day now the birthday saga is over 

[FredEire]

25 minutes ago, jdann said:

Thanks for the messages 

 

And I agree, when the last person I dated ended back in May, I didn’t care.

 

Today is overwhelmingly becuase it’s my birthday, I broke down to my parents as I just bottled it up and tried to show them I was strong but it was too much.

 

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day now the birthday saga is over 

Hmm this experience all sounds quite familiar to me, so you're not alone.

Do you think she have have triggered something deeper in you? Something that maybe doesnt have much to do with her in reality?

Because some people when they have a deeper fear of abandonment will go into a spiral when they sense that someone is pulling away. They may also be more attracted to people who are not as invested as them, because the thought they can "fix" the situation and make them more attracted then they maybe are draws them in, but it nukes whatever the relationship may or may not have been and more importantly their own mental peace and wellbeing.

Edited yesterday at 03:07 PM by FredEire

[jdann]

35 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Hmm this experience all sounds quite familiar to me, so you're not alone.

Do you think she have have triggered something deeper in you? Something that maybe doesnt have much to do with her in reality?

Because some people when they have a deeper fear of abandonment will go into a spiral when they sense that someone is pulling away. They may also be more attracted to people who are not as invested as them, because the thought they can "fix" the situation and make them more attracted then they maybe are draws them in, but it nukes whatever the relationship may or may not have been and more importantly their own mental peace and wellbeing.

I have no idea ! 
 

I’ve never had any past trauma! Can only compare to my first heartbreak! 
 

I feel like I will be fine with time. It’s a mix of actually really liking her, having to go to the apps and the age thing, but as mentioned above the age thing should not be an issue.

 

I could be suffering a bit from lovesickness and no I wasn’t madly in love but symptoms like appetite, struggling to sleep, time seeming to go slower etc.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, jdann said:

She reached out this morning with a happy birthday and just said last night was heptic, no real apology or asking to rearrange so my mind set is it’s done now.

I think this is for the best. 

I am sorry this happened on your birthday, but know that there will be better ones ahead.

[petee]

Rather than hound her to the court you need to stop.

we are all sorry, but there is zero future in this; just wasted time and a future court case against you.

sorry, but time to take initiative and block her and move on. Your mental health seems to be weakening, so leave her be now.

[jdann]

Thanks all 

so yesterday after the morning i did not text her at all. She tried to call in the afternoon and sent breadcrumbs like birthdayyy boyyyy and hellooooo? 
 

I haven’t responded and just left it silent, speaking to friends they said unless she doesn’t take accountability and apologise properly then don’t contact 

[petee]

Tough as it is your friends are right. They have your back on this, they're good people.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, jdann said:

I haven’t responded and just left it silent, speaking to friends they said unless she doesn’t take accountability and apologise properly then don’t contact 

I don't necessarily agree - not for her sake, but for yours. 

My concern is that not saying anything ever again will keep you stuck longer than simply telling her you were disappointed and why, and eding it plainly with no loose ends. Given how attached you already are, I think if you don't say anything at all to her, this ending will eat away you, wondering what she is thinking, if she's going to reach out again and so on. I don't think it's very realistic to expect yourself to have the mental fortitude to go silent on her forever, I see that lasting for maybe a day or two before you find yourself wanting to contact her anyway.

So in your shoes, I would be direct, clear and close the door with no unfinished business left dangling in the back of your mind.