She is starting to be distant - 3 months of dating

[jdann]

48 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Well the thing is her deciding if she wants to be a big part of your life is not really for you to worry about. That's her business, what you decide is if she fits into yours, but you seem to have already decided that a long time ago.

I don't agree with the last thing you said. I think if you are planning futures together already with someone you aren't officially dating, haven't been intimate with, and was recently saying you thought was starting to fade out a bit, you are setting yourself up for a major crash if it doesn't go how you imagined. And believe me I've been there.

Nobody on this forum really knows how committed she is, and it doesnt seem like you're too sure either hence you started this thread. She could see you as a potential boyfriend, she could also see you as just a guy who's fun to flirt with and go on dates with sometimes but nothing more. I'm not trying to be cruel, but it seems like you're majorly into this girl and as I've said I've been there, it can mess with your perception.

If you take a step back, logically why would you be mentally committing to so many future plans if you don't really know that she feels the same way? I think if you downgrade her importance to a promising maybe rather than a future GF, it might take your foot off the gas a bit and balance things out.

Okay fair enough, am I not allowed to have strong feelings for her? Maybe I am just too traditional and being to honest on this forum.

If you have been here before, then what would you suggest ? 

[FredEire]

45 minutes ago, jdann said:

Okay fair enough, am I not allowed to have strong feelings for her? Maybe I am just too traditional and being to honest on this forum.

If you have been here before, then what would you suggest ? 

You are of course allowed to have strong feelings for her! Those feelings after all are one of the best part of relationships at the beginning.

The issue though is that a lot of people (myself included) sometimes dont pair those feelings with logic of where you're actually at with your potential love interest, what her level of interest is and also how suitable she is for you.

Its impossible not to have those feelings, its real its human and its not something you should supress. But translating those feelings into actions which might throw off the balance of a new relationship is another thing. It's possible to have and acknowledge those feelings and also acknowledge logically that maybe they're overshooting a bit where you're actually at with this girl, and adjust accordingly.

[Sanch62]

Speaking only for myself, I wouldn't plan any big trips involving air or boat tickets with anyone I'm so newly dating that I'm not even sure where we stand yet.

Do you know how many posts we see about people stuck with ticket expenses when someone bails on them?

I don't raise this as a predictor, I think you're doing well with her. Sounds like she has a busy and well-rounded life, and neither of you are jumping into some love-bomb situation. She has a good head on her shoulders. I'd just keep dating and feeling this out without putting heavy tests and weights on it. If you want to travel, go do so with a reliable friend while this is still developing. 

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Speaking only for myself, I wouldn't plan any big trips involving air or boat tickets with anyone I'm so newly dating that I'm not even sure where we stand yet.

Do you know how many posts we see about people stuck with ticket expenses when someone bails on them?

I don't raise this as a predictor, I think you're doing well with her. Sounds like she has a busy and well-rounded life, and neither of you are jumping into some love-bomb situation. She has a good head on her shoulders. I'd just keep dating and feeling this out without putting heavy tests and weights on it. If you want to travel, go do so with a reliable friend while this is still developing. 

Exactly. It's just not something that needs to be thought about at this stage.

Its perfectly fine to be optimistic about the future, but you have to ground yourself in the reality of now otherwise you risk getting into head trips. Recognise that future fantasies are nice but at the moment they are just that.

[Sanch62]

Just now, FredEire said:

Exactly. It's just not something that needs to be thought about at this stage.

Its perfectly fine to be optimistic about the future, but you have to ground yourself in the reality of now otherwise you risk getting into head trips. Recognise that future fantasies are nice but at the moment they are just that.

Yep. OP, you're trying to lock in measurements with weights on her communication, tests on your birthday, and now you're funneling your expectations into a pricey trip.

Just lighten up and tone that s*** down. She can probably feel these heavy expectation vibes from you no matter how well you believe you're hiding them. 

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, jdann said:

I have seen people talk about the 3-6-9 rule in dating, as we are around that 3 months, maybe that honeymoon phase has taken a dip and we have got a bit too comfortable than we should be

You haven’t even had sex with each other, what “honeymoon phase” can you be possibly talking about?

I’m afraid it’s the other way around, you haven’t got comfortable enough with each other yet.

 

11 hours ago, jdann said:

The next 3 weeks will be important, my birthday, then her birthday and then early December we have spoken about a trip to London together, dependent on how that trip goes, if it goes well, my goal is to ask her to be my girlfriend. But I know we are still a while from there and other things can change, but I think there is a positive in goal setting. 

I’m afraid you’ve got it completely backwards.

It’s becoming a boyfriend and a girlfriend first, then asking the girlfriend to participate in all those events, not the other way around.

Even after you’ve become fully intimate with each other and decided to start a real relationship, you shouldn’t overload her with grand plans and let things proceed naturally.

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, jdann said:

Okay fair enough, am I not allowed to have strong feelings for her?

Of course you are.

But having strong feelings and planning big events with a person who isn’t yet committed to you and with whom you haven’t been intimate yet are two very different things.

Remember that feelings must be mutual in order for any relationship to work. And that both partners must be on the same page regarding anything they do together.

The reason why you’re getting these advices here, which you appear to dislike, is because people here honestly tell you how they would feel if they were in that girl’s shoes.

For example, I’d feel awkward if a girl who isn’t my girlfriend and with whom I haven’t even slept yet would make far-reaching plans with me regarding her birthday. And I’d probably refuse if she suggested a big trip together at that point. 

[FredEire]

15 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Of course you are.

But having strong feelings and planning big events with a person who isn’t yet committed to you and with whom you haven’t been intimate yet are two very different things.

Remember that feelings must be mutual in order for any relationship to work. And that both partners must be on the same page regarding anything they do together.

The reason why you’re getting these advices here, which you appear to dislike, is because people here honestly tell you how they would feel if they were in that girl’s shoes.

For example, I’d feel awkward if a girl who isn’t my girlfriend and with whom I haven’t even slept yet would make far-reaching plans with me regarding her birthday. And I’d probably refuse if she suggested a big trip together at that point. 

Well said.

Having feelings for someone, and wondering if the other person feels the same way, is about as normal a part of dating as you can get.

However if one person doesn't supplement those feelings with a dose of grounded reality, they race way ahead of where the other is and suddenly the attraction dies, especially if said other person has a little bit of emotional baggage, which most people do over the age of 25.

It can be both people as well, I don't know how many people I've seen post on here who basically speedran a lifelong love story in 3 weeks. They were all over eachother spending every day at eachothers places and were talking about marriage, then one of them comes on here heartbroken that this person suddenly withdrew without warning.

Basically if a runner goes at their max pace or close to it straight from the start, they're either going to pull a muscle, fall over or run into someone or have all manner of other issues, but nothing very good is going to come from it. That's why they start off slower even if they're having a good race, and then speed up near the end when the situation merits it.

[Gebidozo]

12 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Basically if a runner goes at their max pace or close to it straight from the start, they're either going to pull a muscle, fall over or run into someone or have all manner of other issues, but nothing very good is going to come from it. That's why they start off slower even if they're having a good race, and then speed up near the end when the situation merits it.

This is an excellent analogy.

Indeed, a lot of people say they want a marathon, but end up doing a 100 meters and then get very surprised to discover that the race is over.

I came to this forum a couple of years ago because I came close to crashing a great relationship by constantly pushing my partner to do things she wasn’t ready to do yet, such as planning a lot of events and trips, moving together, talking about marriage, etc.

Luckily, thanks to the wise advices I’ve got here, I was somehow able to slow down and stabilize things, but the negative impact of my initial mad sprint can still be felt.

[jdann]

Thank you all for the feedback. Will use this to not get too ahead of steam!

 

We are potentially seeing each other tonight, looking forward to it, hopefully I can give you all a positive update tomorrow. The event in London we both planned a few weeks back, it was not something I just decided.

I don't know if all this reading and posting has helped with where I should be right now, but the mind set is take it day by day and access how she is with me.

Thanks

[FredEire]

10 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

This is an excellent analogy.

Indeed, a lot of people say they want a marathon, but end up doing a 100 meters and then get very surprised to discover that the race is over.

I came to this forum a couple of years ago because I came close to crashing a great relationship by constantly pushing my partner to do things she wasn’t ready to do yet, such as planning a lot of events and trips, moving together, talking about marriage, etc.

Luckily, thanks to the wise advices I’ve got here, I was somehow able to slow down and stabilize things, but the negative impact of my initial mad sprint can still be felt.

Yeah it's true. I've been single the couple of years I've been on this forum and I definitely still have my issues haha, but from all the insights I've gotten since then and learning I've done in my own life I think I'd be a much better partner than I would have back then.

Quite often when I get a perspective on someone else's situation I'd question why I don't always follow my own advice haha. It's always a bit simpler when you're emotionally detached from the situation, but that's the challenge.

Edited 15 minutes ago by FredEire

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, jdann said:

Thank you all for the feedback. Will use this to not get too ahead of steam!

 

We are potentially seeing each other tonight, looking forward to it, hopefully I can give you all a positive update tomorrow. The event in London we both planned a few weeks back, it was not something I just decided.

I don't know if all this reading and posting has helped with where I should be right now, but the mind set is take it day by day and access how she is with me.

Thanks

That's good!

While it may seem illogical or callous to you since you're obviously really into this girl, I'd be open to dating and getting to know other women as well. Not because you don't care or want it to go well, but because that's where you're at at the moment with her. No firm commitments have been made and you're still both trying to figure out if it will actually go anywhere.