She is starting to be distant - 3 months of dating

[jdann]

48 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Well the thing is her deciding if she wants to be a big part of your life is not really for you to worry about. That's her business, what you decide is if she fits into yours, but you seem to have already decided that a long time ago.

I don't agree with the last thing you said. I think if you are planning futures together already with someone you aren't officially dating, haven't been intimate with, and was recently saying you thought was starting to fade out a bit, you are setting yourself up for a major crash if it doesn't go how you imagined. And believe me I've been there.

Nobody on this forum really knows how committed she is, and it doesnt seem like you're too sure either hence you started this thread. She could see you as a potential boyfriend, she could also see you as just a guy who's fun to flirt with and go on dates with sometimes but nothing more. I'm not trying to be cruel, but it seems like you're majorly into this girl and as I've said I've been there, it can mess with your perception.

If you take a step back, logically why would you be mentally committing to so many future plans if you don't really know that she feels the same way? I think if you downgrade her importance to a promising maybe rather than a future GF, it might take your foot off the gas a bit and balance things out.

Okay fair enough, am I not allowed to have strong feelings for her? Maybe I am just too traditional and being to honest on this forum.

If you have been here before, then what would you suggest ? 

[FredEire]

45 minutes ago, jdann said:

Okay fair enough, am I not allowed to have strong feelings for her? Maybe I am just too traditional and being to honest on this forum.

If you have been here before, then what would you suggest ? 

You are of course allowed to have strong feelings for her! Those feelings after all are one of the best part of relationships at the beginning.

The issue though is that a lot of people (myself included) sometimes dont pair those feelings with logic of where you're actually at with your potential love interest, what her level of interest is and also how suitable she is for you.

Its impossible not to have those feelings, its real its human and its not something you should supress. But translating those feelings into actions which might throw off the balance of a new relationship is another thing. It's possible to have and acknowledge those feelings and also acknowledge logically that maybe they're overshooting a bit where you're actually at with this girl, and adjust accordingly.

[Sanch62]

Speaking only for myself, I wouldn't plan any big trips involving air or boat tickets with anyone I'm so newly dating that I'm not even sure where we stand yet.

Do you know how many posts we see about people stuck with ticket expenses when someone bails on them?

I don't raise this as a predictor, I think you're doing well with her. Sounds like she has a busy and well-rounded life, and neither of you are jumping into some love-bomb situation. She has a good head on her shoulders. I'd just keep dating and feeling this out without putting heavy tests and weights on it. If you want to travel, go do so with a reliable friend while this is still developing. 

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Speaking only for myself, I wouldn't plan any big trips involving air or boat tickets with anyone I'm so newly dating that I'm not even sure where we stand yet.

Do you know how many posts we see about people stuck with ticket expenses when someone bails on them?

I don't raise this as a predictor, I think you're doing well with her. Sounds like she has a busy and well-rounded life, and neither of you are jumping into some love-bomb situation. She has a good head on her shoulders. I'd just keep dating and feeling this out without putting heavy tests and weights on it. If you want to travel, go do so with a reliable friend while this is still developing. 

Exactly. It's just not something that needs to be thought about at this stage.

Its perfectly fine to be optimistic about the future, but you have to ground yourself in the reality of now otherwise you risk getting into head trips. Recognise that future fantasies are nice but at the moment they are just that.

[Sanch62]

Just now, FredEire said:

Exactly. It's just not something that needs to be thought about at this stage.

Its perfectly fine to be optimistic about the future, but you have to ground yourself in the reality of now otherwise you risk getting into head trips. Recognise that future fantasies are nice but at the moment they are just that.

Yep. OP, you're trying to lock in measurements with weights on her communication, tests on your birthday, and now you're funneling your expectations into a pricey trip.

Just lighten up and tone that s*** down. She can probably feel these heavy expectation vibes from you no matter how well you believe you're hiding them. 

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, jdann said:

I have seen people talk about the 3-6-9 rule in dating, as we are around that 3 months, maybe that honeymoon phase has taken a dip and we have got a bit too comfortable than we should be

You haven’t even had sex with each other, what “honeymoon phase” can you be possibly talking about?

I’m afraid it’s the other way around, you haven’t got comfortable enough with each other yet.

 

11 hours ago, jdann said:

The next 3 weeks will be important, my birthday, then her birthday and then early December we have spoken about a trip to London together, dependent on how that trip goes, if it goes well, my goal is to ask her to be my girlfriend. But I know we are still a while from there and other things can change, but I think there is a positive in goal setting. 

I’m afraid you’ve got it completely backwards.

It’s becoming a boyfriend and a girlfriend first, then asking the girlfriend to participate in all those events, not the other way around.

Even after you’ve become fully intimate with each other and decided to start a real relationship, you shouldn’t overload her with grand plans and let things proceed naturally.

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, jdann said:

Okay fair enough, am I not allowed to have strong feelings for her?

Of course you are.

But having strong feelings and planning big events with a person who isn’t yet committed to you and with whom you haven’t been intimate yet are two very different things.

Remember that feelings must be mutual in order for any relationship to work. And that both partners must be on the same page regarding anything they do together.

The reason why you’re getting these advices here, which you appear to dislike, is because people here honestly tell you how they would feel if they were in that girl’s shoes.

For example, I’d feel awkward if a girl who isn’t my girlfriend and with whom I haven’t even slept yet would make far-reaching plans with me regarding her birthday. And I’d probably refuse if she suggested a big trip together at that point. 

[FredEire]

15 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Of course you are.

But having strong feelings and planning big events with a person who isn’t yet committed to you and with whom you haven’t been intimate yet are two very different things.

Remember that feelings must be mutual in order for any relationship to work. And that both partners must be on the same page regarding anything they do together.

The reason why you’re getting these advices here, which you appear to dislike, is because people here honestly tell you how they would feel if they were in that girl’s shoes.

For example, I’d feel awkward if a girl who isn’t my girlfriend and with whom I haven’t even slept yet would make far-reaching plans with me regarding her birthday. And I’d probably refuse if she suggested a big trip together at that point. 

Well said.

Having feelings for someone, and wondering if the other person feels the same way, is about as normal a part of dating as you can get.

However if one person doesn't supplement those feelings with a dose of grounded reality, they race way ahead of where the other is and suddenly the attraction dies, especially if said other person has a little bit of emotional baggage, which most people do over the age of 25.

It can be both people as well, I don't know how many people I've seen post on here who basically speedran a lifelong love story in 3 weeks. They were all over eachother spending every day at eachothers places and were talking about marriage, then one of them comes on here heartbroken that this person suddenly withdrew without warning.

Basically if a runner goes at their max pace or close to it straight from the start, they're either going to pull a muscle, fall over or run into someone or have all manner of other issues, but nothing very good is going to come from it. That's why they start off slower even if they're having a good race, and then speed up near the end when the situation merits it.

[Gebidozo]

12 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Basically if a runner goes at their max pace or close to it straight from the start, they're either going to pull a muscle, fall over or run into someone or have all manner of other issues, but nothing very good is going to come from it. That's why they start off slower even if they're having a good race, and then speed up near the end when the situation merits it.

This is an excellent analogy.

Indeed, a lot of people say they want a marathon, but end up doing a 100 meters and then get very surprised to discover that the race is over.

I came to this forum a couple of years ago because I came close to crashing a great relationship by constantly pushing my partner to do things she wasn’t ready to do yet, such as planning a lot of events and trips, moving together, talking about marriage, etc.

Luckily, thanks to the wise advices I’ve got here, I was somehow able to slow down and stabilize things, but the negative impact of my initial mad sprint can still be felt.

[jdann]

Thank you all for the feedback. Will use this to not get too ahead of steam!

 

We are potentially seeing each other tonight, looking forward to it, hopefully I can give you all a positive update tomorrow. The event in London we both planned a few weeks back, it was not something I just decided.

I don't know if all this reading and posting has helped with where I should be right now, but the mind set is take it day by day and access how she is with me.

Thanks

[FredEire]

10 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

This is an excellent analogy.

Indeed, a lot of people say they want a marathon, but end up doing a 100 meters and then get very surprised to discover that the race is over.

I came to this forum a couple of years ago because I came close to crashing a great relationship by constantly pushing my partner to do things she wasn’t ready to do yet, such as planning a lot of events and trips, moving together, talking about marriage, etc.

Luckily, thanks to the wise advices I’ve got here, I was somehow able to slow down and stabilize things, but the negative impact of my initial mad sprint can still be felt.

Yeah it's true. I've been single the couple of years I've been on this forum and I definitely still have my issues haha, but from all the insights I've gotten since then and learning I've done in my own life I think I'd be a much better partner than I would have back then.

Quite often when I get a perspective on someone else's situation I'd question why I don't always follow my own advice haha. It's always a bit simpler when you're emotionally detached from the situation, but that's the challenge.

Edited November 7 by FredEire

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, jdann said:

Thank you all for the feedback. Will use this to not get too ahead of steam!

 

We are potentially seeing each other tonight, looking forward to it, hopefully I can give you all a positive update tomorrow. The event in London we both planned a few weeks back, it was not something I just decided.

I don't know if all this reading and posting has helped with where I should be right now, but the mind set is take it day by day and access how she is with me.

Thanks

That's good!

While it may seem illogical or callous to you since you're obviously really into this girl, I'd be open to dating and getting to know other women as well. Not because you don't care or want it to go well, but because that's where you're at at the moment with her. No firm commitments have been made and you're still both trying to figure out if it will actually go anywhere.

[Sanch62]

8 hours ago, jdann said:

I don't know if all this reading and posting has helped with where I should be right now, but the mind set is take it day by day and access how she is with me.

No, the mindset is to stop assessing and start enjoying.

Projecting all kinds of tests and assumptions is getting in your own way. It's a form of self-sabotage, which works exactly that way. It turns you into a bundle of nerves that can be easily picked up by her, and so it drives a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Yes, take it day-by-day with the only assumption being that if anything is 'wrong,' she will tell you, otherwise, you are free to enjoy getting to know one another better.

Whenever there's an instance of being blindsided by another's exit, you get the benefit of knowing that you didn't put yourself through a double-hell by predicting that move every time she sneezed in the wrong way. You also get to adopt resilience as a valuable life skill, which will serve you in any circumstance far better than sinking into negativity and anxiety over every text message.

You've either got this, regardless of outcome, or you don't. And if you don't, you could be creating a problem that wouldn't otherwise exist.

[jdann]

Thanks all 

so tonight has been pretty rough. When we spoke on the phone Wednesday, she was supposed to see a friend Friday night (tonight) but she said he friend has a reputation of flaking, so said would see me if plans fall.

 

Dropped a text this morning just saying if you end up free let me know, she did not reply until 5pm (which is fine) but just said about she didn’t see my text, nothing about plans tonight, so I assume they are on.

 

today is the least we have communicated so far, she usually calls at night which she may still do, but it’s a pretty s*** feeling. 

 

 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, jdann said:

Thanks all 

so tonight has been pretty rough. When we spoke on the phone Wednesday, she was supposed to see a friend Friday night (tonight) but she said he friend has a reputation of flaking, so said would see me if plans fall.

 

Dropped a text this morning just saying if you end up free let me know, she did not reply until 5pm (which is fine) but just said about she didn’t see my text, nothing about plans tonight, so I assume they are on.

 

today is the least we have communicated so far, she usually calls at night which she may still do, but it’s a pretty s*** feeling. 

 

 

You see, this is the corner you've painted yourself into. You've settled for being her backup plan, and hoping she will choose you to spend her evenings with or it negatively affects your mood.

You're giving your time away for free and are fully available for her, and she is dictating the pace. At the risk of sounding a bit old fashioned, I've found that whenever I was dating someone and basically tried to fit around her schedule, the attraction died off pretty quickly.

Instead of waiting on her call and feeling bad about yourself, if she's got other plans you can say "That's cool, I think I'm going to be up to something/just chilling on Friday myself, if I'm free I'll shoot you a text", and if not suggest another day when you can be each other's full priority.

As it is it sounds like you are pining for her, meanwhile she's getting on with her life and knows she can have you around when/if she feels like it.

[jdann]

28 minutes ago, FredEire said:

You see, this is the corner you've painted yourself into. You've settled for being her backup plan, and hoping she will choose you to spend her evenings with or it negatively affects your mood.

You're giving your time away for free and are fully available for her, and she is dictating the pace. At the risk of sounding a bit old fashioned, I've found that whenever I was dating someone and basically tried to fit around her schedule, the attraction died off pretty quickly.

Instead of waiting on her call and feeling bad about yourself, if she's got other plans you can say "That's cool, I think I'm going to be up to something/just chilling on Friday myself, if I'm free I'll shoot you a text", and if not suggest another day when you can be each other's full priority.

As it is it sounds like you are pining for her, meanwhile she's getting on with her life and knows she can have you around when/if she feels like it.

Well I didn’t have plans for tonight! I’ve had quite a few busy days so wasn’t planning on doing anything even if she said no!

 

I was just expressing that I felt a little ghosted that’s all as I haven’t heard from her !

I haven’t pinned for her! I’ve also been very busy this week with work and my birthday coming up! I just thought I could be seeing her tonight that’s all ! 
 

 

[petee]

You are at risk of becoming needy and menacing. It’s time to take a break and think it through. If you continue on this course she will never take you seriously.

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, jdann said:

so tonight has been pretty rough.

1 hour ago, jdann said:

I felt a little ghosted

4 hours ago, jdann said:

it’s a pretty s*** feeling.

This is what you wrote after a girl who isn’t even your girlfriend yet didn’t even cancel a meeting with you, but simply followed through with her planned meeting with a friend.

Do I really need to point out that you’ve blown this out of every conceivable proportion?

This wasn’t rough, this was normal. You weren’t ghosted, you were politely communicated with. If something like this causes you to have a s*** feeling, you need to ask yourself whether you are ready to have a normal relationship, where your partner might change plans, ignore your messages if she’s busy or not in the mood, and do a myriad of other thing that you might not be able to handle.

You appear to have fully embraced an anxious mindset that causes you to be passive and controlling at once. Remember, even if you aren’t showing it to this girl, she feels the vibes and your connection will be negatively affected if you continue with this mindset.

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, jdann said:

Well I didn’t have plans for tonight! I’ve had quite a few busy days so wasn’t planning on doing anything even if she said no!

 

I was just expressing that I felt a little ghosted that’s all as I haven’t heard from her !

I haven’t pinned for her! I’ve also been very busy this week with work and my birthday coming up! I just thought I could be seeing her tonight that’s all ! 
 

 

Right, but theres a big difference between "let me know if you are free tonight" when she already has plans and "I'm probably gonna chill tonight, we'll talk later". It puts the ball in her court if she wants to reach out without any pressure, because you're just doing your own thing rather than hanging on the telephone.

It seems like you're infatuated with her, which can happen but if you take a step back you realise she doesn't owe you anything, and nor do you owe her anything. You don't know her well enough to say that she's really that special, leave it up to her to prove she's worth your time and energy and don't give it all away for free when you're not even dating and are still in the very early stages of getting to know eachother.

Edited November 8 by FredEire

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

This is what you wrote after a girl who isn’t even your girlfriend yet didn’t even cancel a meeting with you, but simply followed through with her planned meeting with a friend.

Do I really need to point out that you’ve blown this out of every conceivable proportion?

This wasn’t rough, this was normal. You weren’t ghosted, you were politely communicated with.

I agree. 

OP, you need to get a much better handle on your emotions and anxiety. I don't see anything that unusual or earth-shattering in what's happened here. You knew she had plans with a friend and was likely going to be seeing her. For this to send you into this emotional spiral is concerning because it indicates you haven't got a grip on yourself and take everything way too personally. 

Have you dated much before? That's a sincere question as you don't seem very experienced in the normal goings-on in a developing relationship. 

 

[jdann]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree. 

OP, you need to get a much better handle on your emotions and anxiety. I don't see anything that unusual or earth-shattering in what's happened here. You knew she had plans with a friend and was likely going to be seeing her. For this to send you into this emotional spiral is concerning because it indicates you haven't got a grip on yourself and take everything way too personally. 

Have you dated much before? That's a sincere question as you don't seem very experienced in the normal goings-on in a developing relationship. 

 

I have dated a lot! This is it ! 
 

I have only came to this forum once before and when my first real relationship ended after 3 years which was my first love.

I’ve been in plenty of relationships which have ended, not worked etc !

 I’m a confident guy and have a good career, bought my own place and very grounded ! 
 

so yeah it’s weird to be feeling like this when just in the dating stage.

It kind has messaged with my head a lot and I’m questioning now if this is the right girl for me.

i posted on here to journal and channel the negative feelings so I don’t say anything that would come across weak to her.

i thank you all for your advice 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, jdann said:

so yeah it’s weird to be feeling like this when just in the dating stage.

It kind has messaged with my head a lot and I’m questioning now if this is the right girl for me.

I think it's because you're uncertain if she wants more than this, and you're on high alert for any perceived "sign" that she doesn't feel the way you do. What would otherwise be fairly innocuous occurances therefore send your anxiety soaring.

[jdann]

36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think it's because you're uncertain if she wants more than this, and you're on high alert for any perceived "sign" that she doesn't feel the way you do. What would otherwise be fairly innocuous occurances therefore send your anxiety soaring.

This sounds like the truth to be honest, other women I’ve dated I’ve not really cared but here I do, just have to try and wire my brain to not be like this.

 

[Gaeta]

Why didn't you talk about dating exclusively yet? I would never date a man 3 months without being really clear that we are dating only each other. A woman (or man) does not need 3 months of back and forth to know this is someone special they want to spend time with. This is dating, not marriage. Needing more time than this is just wasting your time. Sex or not, it does not matter. When you get to sex and it's not fullfilling then you work on it or you say good bye. 

I am sorry she is only half hearted. It's been 3 months of her slipping through your fingers at the right time because this relationship does not emotionally escalate for her.

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, jdann said:

This sounds like the truth to be honest, other women I’ve dated I’ve not really cared but here I do, just have to try and wire my brain to not be like this.

 

Yep but this is the thing, when you are kind of semi not that into the girl you probably breeze through it and make her feel at ease and then she's the one who is chasing you and wondering how into her you are.

Suddenly now you have met someone you've become infatuated with, and your brain is on high alert scanning for problems all the time, which massively up the intensity when its not really justified for the situation.

You need to have a balance between you feelings and it triggering some kind of adrenaline state. Part of that Id suggest is gentle self reminders that you don't really know this girl yet, she's flawed and not as perfect as you have built her up to be, and youre still in the very early stages of dating. You can't just "wire your brain not to be like this" unfortunately but you can calm your nervous system.

Edited November 8 by FredEire