She is starting to be distant - 3 months of dating

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, jdann said:

Yeah, she just stayed out later then expected and lost track of time, she said she should of messaged me to say and apologized. Not sure if buy it as she posted on her story most the night.

Yeah, I buy it, but the reason she lost track of time is that she was not thinking of you at all, she was busy doing stuff she was more concerned about all evening.

This girl is a spoofer, she likes the attention from you but that's it. I would go on your date with this other girl and take the initiative and cancel whatever trip you had planned. You deserve to be dating someone whos actually interested in engaging with you like an adult.

[FredEire]

I do think part of this issue here though is still that you made yourself way too available too early on. If there is no intrigue in the early stages and you are showing yourself as fully available and basically able to fit around their plans whenever suits that is going to turn many people off.

Not communicating that she had lost interest like an adult though out of respect for your heart and your time, that's entirely on her.

[jdann]

Agree - still learning in my 30's!!

 

I'm a good person and if (when) she cancels this Saturday that'll be a delete and move on from me. I gave it my best shot but this won't break my heart, just more of a shame to be strung along for this past 3 weeks. 

 

There's a lot of good to her but also there's quite a list of frustrations, not sustainable for sure.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, jdann said:

Yeah, she just stayed out later then expected and lost track of time, she said she should of messaged me to say and apologized. Not sure if buy it as she posted on her story most the night.

Buying it - or not - isn't really the issue. 

She showed you very clearly that you were not on her mind that night and her interest level in you is low. Date someone who is excited about you, and not somebody who treats you like an afterthought.  

[jdann]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Buying it - or not - isn't really the issue. 

She showed you very clearly that you were not on her mind that night and her interest level in you is low. Date someone who is excited about you, and not somebody who treats you like an afterthought.  

Yes I agree and my mindset is changing.

 

It was just hard to adapt when you have been close to someone for 3 months and the interest is suddenly lost - we are only human.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, jdann said:

It was just hard to adapt when you have been close to someone for 3 months and the interest is suddenly lost - we are only human.

Of course. 

But I would urge you not to bother with more dates with this woman. You're only delaying the inevtiable. 

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, jdann said:

Agree - still learning in my 30's!!

 

I'm a good person and if (when) she cancels this Saturday that'll be a delete and move on from me. I gave it my best shot but this won't break my heart, just more of a shame to be strung along for this past 3 weeks. 

 

There's a lot of good to her but also there's quite a list of frustrations, not sustainable for sure.

Yep, thats why I'm not too bothered about being single at the age of 32. If I had settled down in my early/mid 20s I wouldn't have had a clue what constitutes a healthy relationship.

I also have a lot to learn but Im a lot closer than I was then. I was devastated when my last serious relationship ended a few years back but when I look back at it? Thank god I didnt drag that on any longer.

In terms of this girl though, my advice is dont wait for her to cancel, cancel it yourself. You are still leaving her in the driving seat and giving her the power to tie you in knots. Perhaps there is a remote possibility she will seem all into you again, you may even sleep together, but shes already demonstrated that youre not very important to her and it will just come back around to bite you. Don't let her string you along.

[jdann]

Just now, FredEire said:

Yep, thats why I'm not too bothered about being single at the age of 32. If I had settled down in my early/mid 20s I wouldn't have had a clue what constitutes a healthy relationship.

I also have a lot to learn but Im a lot closer than I was then. I was devastated when my last serious relationship ended a few years back but when I look back at it? Thank god I didnt drag that on any longer.

In terms of this girl though, my advice is dont wait for her to cancel, cancel it yourself. You are still leaving her in the driving seat and giving her the power to tie you in knots. Perhaps there is a remote possibility she will seem all into you again, you may even sleep together, but shes already demonstrated that youre not very important to her and it will just come back around to bite you. Don't let her string you along.

Yes and I am sure you're one day closer to finding the right person for you too.

 

Well the last message was this morning seeing if we are still on for Saturday so it kind of is in her court but I am no longer anxious of the potential excuse coming 

[FredEire]

7 minutes ago, jdann said:

Yes and I am sure you're one day closer to finding the right person for you too.

 

Well the last message was this morning seeing if we are still on for Saturday so it kind of is in her court but I am no longer anxious of the potential excuse coming 

Thanks

And that's fine but what are you really expecting even entertaining the idea of investing more time in her? She's already shown enough to say the situation isn't going to suddenly change now.

Unfortunately in dating people go from interested and engaged to lukewarm quite often. But it barely ever happens in reverse unless its something in maybe the first couple of days of meeting them. When that ship has sailed it's sailed, better to put a full stop on it.

[jdann]

So for update she has agreed to see me Saturday.

 

Her Dad has been in surgery which has created complications but she is still following through with Saturday. 

 

She was cute with her messages (I guess the hot and cold thing) and was appreciative of what I have planned for us. Will see how it goes/ 

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, jdann said:

So for update she has agreed to see me Saturday.

 

Her Dad has been in surgery which has created complications but she is still following through with Saturday. 

 

She was cute with her messages (I guess the hot and cold thing) and was appreciative of what I have planned for us. Will see how it goes/ 

I dont think this is a very good idea man, honestly.

But hey, its your life your time and your heart. It's up to you if you want to keep giving chances to someone whos already shown you youre not a priority.

[jdann]

10 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I dont think this is a very good idea man, honestly.

But hey, its your life your time and your heart. It's up to you if you want to keep giving chances to someone whos already shown you youre not a priority.

Understood, it's her Birthday weekend and I while mine did not go great. The good person in me is going to at least give effort and if that bites me in the end, I am already mentally prepared for that as I expected that she would of made plans with others this weekend.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, jdann said:

Understood, it's her Birthday weekend and I while mine did not go great. The good person in me is going to at least give effort and if that bites me in the end, I am already mentally prepared for that as I expected that she would of made plans with others this weekend.

So she basically didnt give a damn or "forgot" about your birthday and you ended up tying yourself in knots.

Why are you now being so generous to her? Its not being a "nice person" its devoting your time and energy to someone who has plainly shown you they don't deserve it. You're not respecting yourself here.

[jdann]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

So she basically didnt give a damn or "forgot" about your birthday and you ended up tying yourself in knots.

Why are you now being so generous to her? Its not being a "nice person" its devoting your time and energy to someone who has plainly shown you they don't deserve it. You're not respecting yourself here.

Yes and this is something I already thought about.

 

Maybe I get stepped over again, but I have always made effort for friends and family, it's who I am and I would feel awful if I didn't at least make an effort, even if my birthday didn't go to plan.  If she goes cold after the weekend again, then I'm focusing on someone else, I have already taking advice on here about keeping options open.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you probably need to work on your self-worth more than anything else. 

We teach people how to treat us. Think about what you're teaching her. 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, jdann said:

Yes and this is something I already thought about.

 

Maybe I get stepped over again, but I have always made effort for friends and family, it's who I am and I would feel awful if I didn't at least make an effort, even if my birthday didn't go to plan.  If she goes cold after the weekend again, then I'm focusing on someone else, I have already taking advice on here about keeping options open.

But if someone makes plans to be with you on your birthday of all days, and then just forgets them or doesnt care enough to cancel/reschedule, they are not your friend or your family, they're nothing. They dont deserve to be put in that space.

 

And listen, I get it. A couple of years ago I got totally infatuated with a girl who ended up storming off on our second date after about 30 minutes on the surface of it because she didnt like my restaurant suggestions and I found it hard to understand her accent.

I spent months cut up about it feeling like I had blown it and just wished I could see her again. My friends were baffled and wondered why I would want to see someone again who had shown me what they were like and that they obviously didnt particularly like or respect me.

Looking back, I can see they had a point.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, jdann said:

The good person in me is going to at least give effort

I don’t see how this has anything to do with goodness.

You don’t trust this girl and you’re already making plans to date another one. Which means that neither she nor you are particularly interested in each other anymore. Going with her on a date while having one foot out the door isn’t an act of goodness, it’s a display of weakness and lack of boundaries.

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, jdann said:

The good person in me is going to at least give effort and if that bites me in the end, I am already mentally prepared for that

This has nothing to do with being a "good person".  You're acting like a doormat who has no self-respect.  When someone has shown you that they clearly have low interest in you, it doesn't make sense to waste any more time.

[FredEire]

23 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

This has nothing to do with being a "good person".  You're acting like a doormat who has no self-respect.  When someone has shown you that they clearly have low interest in you, it doesn't make sense to waste any more time.

Yes.

I'm a bit worried for OPs sake that he is going to go on this trip, she will give him some scraps of affection to keep him on the hook, and when he then feels "see, I won her over!" she will fade out again and leave him in an even worse mental space.