She is starting to be distant - 3 months of dating

[jdann]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't necessarily agree - not for her sake, but for yours. 

My concern is that not saying anything ever again will keep you stuck longer than simply telling her you were disappointed and why, and eding it plainly with no loose ends. Given how attached you already are, I think if you don't say anything at all to her, this ending will eat away you, wondering what she is thinking, if she's going to reach out again and so on. I don't think it's very realistic to expect yourself to have the mental fortitude to go silent on her forever, I see that lasting for maybe a day or two before you find yourself wanting to contact her anyway.

So in your shoes, I would be direct, clear and close the door with no unfinished business left dangling in the back of your mind. 

Okay but when and what should I say ? 
 

I’ve had a very productive day today so have been busy, a friend told me she’s posted a one of those cryptic message stories on Instagram about her only loves being her girls and friendships etc, so she must be a bit upset about me not replying yesterday, but this is most likely a breadcrumb 

 

im completely okay reaching out to say something, but depending on how conversation goes, it could put me back in a loop.

 

people on here say block and delete and others say close the door, confusing !

[FredEire]

7 minutes ago, jdann said:

Okay but when and what should I say ? 
 

I’ve had a very productive day today so have been busy, a friend told me she’s posted a one of those cryptic message stories on Instagram about her only loves being her girls and friendships etc, so she must be a bit upset about me not replying yesterday, but this is most likely a breadcrumb 

 

im completely okay reaching out to say something, but depending on how conversation goes, it could put me back in a loop.

 

people on here say block and delete and others say close the door, confusing !

Everyone has a different opinion, both options are valid. It depends if you want to close the chapter for your sake or just completely move on silently. If you think you could just wash your hands and be done with it unfollow her and delete the chats, if you think you'd have that niggling voice in your head that maybe she had feelings all along, maybe I messed it up etc then a short message might be better as @ExpatInItaly said.

With the Instagram stuff, its unfortunatley very common for someone to do something downright rude like invite you to stay at theirs and then go silent, and then the next day when you don't respond to her breadcrumb texts she frames herself as the victim. He didnt respond to me so he doesnt care etc. I think its easier to frame herself in her own head as being rejected rather than admit that she did the rejecting but didnt have it in her to communicate that in an adult way.

It depends what closes things off in a more peaceful and grounded way for you. Id be in the camp of sending a short text like, "Hey, hope you're well. I was excited to see you the other night but I didn't end up hearing from you and it made me realise we're on different pages. No hard feelings and I wish you all the best, take care."

 

[Gebidozo]

8 minutes ago, jdann said:

Okay but when and what should I say ? 

Just tell her that you were hurt by the fact that she stood you up.

To be honest, I generally don’t understand the way you communicate with her. You analyze every message, every word she says, every response delay, yet you seem to never tell her anything directly.

I’d be mad if a girl I was dating ghosted me on the day of the date like that. I’d immediately call her and ask for explanations. And then take it from there, depending on what she says.

I don’t think you should delete and block her. She reached out to you. Talk back to her, tell her that you’re hurt. What if she apologizes and understands that she was wrong?

 

[Gebidozo]

3 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Id be in the camp of sending a short text like, "Hey, hope you're well. I was excited to see you the other night but I didn't end up hearing from you and it made me realise we're on different pages. No hard feelings and I wish you all the best, take care."

This is definitely better than not communicating with her, but my text would be more like, “Hey, we set up a date and you stood me up without any explanation. I have feelings for you, and those feelings were hurt. What’s going on? Please be honest and direct with me”.

[FredEire]

I do have some thoughts on things more broadly as everything you've described echoes some stuff Ive gone through as well. Bear in mind this is just my opinion.

It seems to me that this girl wasn't very mature based on how things ended up and she chose to breadcrumb and then ghost instead of sending a simple message like the one above.

It also seems like this dynamic triggers off your anxiety and makes you both more invested in it and act a bit less grounded and more immature yourself.

You mentioned that you've dated other girls who you didn't have anywhere near the same level of anxiety and investment in, and I maybe be wrong but I suspect they might have been more straightforward better communicators and the interest was never in question. Because of this there's no game to play and nothing to prove, and you don't have to push to win her over.

Maybe you deeply crave someone who kind of brings out the worst in you, i.e. constant anxiety and longing, and overanalysing every text and interaction and becoming needy. You think that making a happily ever after with her would mend those tendencies in yourself, and fix her issues as well.

But instead it just brings you both down to the level of anxious teenagers playing a game, and in the end everyone involved ends up more anxious, frustrated and unfulfilled.

Maybe you'd be better off working on that anxiety on your own, so that the prospect of a straightforward relationship with an adult woman with good communication skills appeals to you more than flaky stuff that fires up your nervous system and plays with your anxiety.

I may be way off, its just some similarities I've observed with my own experiences. Hopefully some of that may strike a chord with you.

[Sanch62]

23 minutes ago, jdann said:

im completely okay reaching out to say something, but depending on how conversation goes, it could put me back in a loop.

people on here say block and delete and others say close the door, confusing !

Polling others only goes so far when the biggest goal of maturity is to learn how to listen to our own gut.

So consider what your intentions are, and let those guide you to decide--what do you WANT to do?

[FredEire]

9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

This is definitely better than not communicating with her, but my text would be more like, “Hey, we set up a date and you stood me up without any explanation. I have feelings for you, and those feelings were hurt. What’s going on? Please be honest and direct with me”.

Yeah I think thats valid too, it depends if OP wants an answer rather than just closing the door on his terms.

I'd say though if OP sends that text he should be prepared for a bit of an unsatisfactory answer, I.e. something flaky or even a bit accusatory. The fact that she was prepared to stand him up in the first place shows that being upfront emotionally isn't one of her strong points.

[jdann]

Thanks all this is such good advice.

 

with above maybe I agree with becuase she’s been a different with communicating it spiked my interest more and made me want to chase more, that whole want what you can’t have. 
 

I’ve had time to think about what I want, I would like to work on things as see an improvement because the other 90% is GOOD. 
 

my emotions was for sure amplified becuase it was my birthday.

I think I will drop her a text when I’m ready highlighting that I was hurt with the message we haven’t seemed on the same page for the last 10days. 
 

I will be open to working on it but I’ve done all this work to accept if we can’t, then I move on 

 

 

 

[FredEire]

5 minutes ago, jdann said:

Thanks all this is such good advice.

 

with above maybe I agree with becuase she’s been a different with communicating it spiked my interest more and made me want to chase more, that whole want what you can’t have. 
 

I’ve had time to think about what I want, I would like to work on things as see an improvement because the other 90% is GOOD. 
 

my emotions was for sure amplified becuase it was my birthday.

I think I will drop her a text when I’m ready highlighting that I was hurt with the message we haven’t seemed on the same page for the last 10days. 
 

I will be open to working on it but I’ve done all this work to accept if we can’t, then I move on 

 

 

 

Right. I agree with other posters that maybe your communication with her hasn't been the best, but I somewhat disagree that it comes from you alone, as its usually a dynamic between the two people. I suspect that she was probably somewhat aloof or hot/cold from the beginning, and that sparked your anxiety and started you chasing and playing mind games with her and yourself. With a girl who is more direct and open you may well be more direct and open yourself, but less emotionally stimulated.

A healthier reaction might be "Hmm dont know about this girl. I don't really know where I stand with her" rather than "Something feels a bit off here, I need to figure out what's going on and fix it". And when you run into someone whos a really good communicator "This is great, I feel like we're on the same page and things are going well" rather than "Hmm this isn't much of a challenge, BORING!"

Some of us (including myself) are just wired this way, but I think its important to get to the bottom of it, not through a relationship but more self-exploration. Otherwise, your relationships may continue to be as frustrating as this one was.

[jdann]

12 hours ago, FredEire said:

Right. I agree with other posters that maybe your communication with her hasn't been the best, but I somewhat disagree that it comes from you alone, as its usually a dynamic between the two people. I suspect that she was probably somewhat aloof or hot/cold from the beginning, and that sparked your anxiety and started you chasing and playing mind games with her and yourself. With a girl who is more direct and open you may well be more direct and open yourself, but less emotionally stimulated.

A healthier reaction might be "Hmm dont know about this girl. I don't really know where I stand with her" rather than "Something feels a bit off here, I need to figure out what's going on and fix it". And when you run into someone whos a really good communicator "This is great, I feel like we're on the same page and things are going well" rather than "Hmm this isn't much of a challenge, BORING!"

Some of us (including myself) are just wired this way, but I think its important to get to the bottom of it, not through a relationship but more self-exploration. Otherwise, your relationships may continue to be as frustrating as this one was.

Thank you 

as mentioned it’s only been the last 2 weeks which has sparked it, and becuase I was so invested and it hurt it’s a lesson learned.

 

I'm going to reach out today and if we can’t work on things then unfortunately it will be the end. That’s tough.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, jdann said:

I'm going to reach out today and if we can’t work on things then unfortunately it will be the end. That’s tough.

I would ask yourself this: what is it you want to work on? Be very clear and concrete with yourself in what you expect to happen from here. 

Her interest level doesn't seem to match yours anymore. She didn't even have the courtesy to reply to you when she flaked.

Be mindful of that in deciding how you proceed. 

[jdann]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would ask yourself this: what is it you want to work on? Be very clear and concrete with yourself in what you expect to happen from here. 

Her interest level doesn't seem to match yours anymore. She didn't even have the courtesy to reply to you when she flaked.

Be mindful of that in deciding how you proceed. 

I want to work on the communication and to understand if we are on different pages, this will give me clarity or closure.

Since she messaged on my birthday saying sorry we have not exchanged any messages, she's left some text breadcrumbs like a helllo ? and the insta story.

So I will be reaching out tonight, I have drafted my text with everyone help above, will send this evening.

Edited November 11 by jdann

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, jdann said:

I want to work on the communication and to understand if we are on different pages, this will give me clarity or closure.

Since she messaged on my birthday saying sorry we have not exchanged any messages, she's left some text breadcrumbs like a helllo ? and the insta story.

So I will be reaching out tonight, I have drafted my text with everyone help above, will send this evening.

You are on different pages.

She made that abundantly clear by ghosting on your plans, on your birthday to boot.

Giving people like that more and more chances never ends well.

Edited November 11 by FredEire

[jdann]

8 minutes ago, FredEire said:

You are on different pages.

She made that abundantly clear by ghosting on your plans, on your birthday to boot.

Giving people like that more and more chances never ends well.

Well I think it is worth a discussion and maybe she opens up and is honest with me.

 

Difficult conversations can be healthy and I would rather than turning things toxic, we still had a great 3 months 

Edited November 11 by jdann

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, jdann said:

Well I think it is worth a discussion and maybe she opens up and is honest with me.

 

Difficult conversations can be healthy and I would rather than turning things toxic, we still had a great 3 months 

Sure, a discussion is worthwhile.

I dont think anyone on this thread was suggesting you see her again romantically though. If youre prepared to accept someone completely wasting your time on your birthday of all days she knows you will accept anything. Its not a good basis for a relationship going forward.

[introverted1]

4 hours ago, jdann said:

I want to work on the communication and to understand if we are on different pages

I don't think there is any doubt that you are not on the same page.

Interested people act interested.

Interested people don't make plans and then fail to respond when asked about those plans (not even going to address that interested people don't offer to squeeze you in after they've had their "main event" so to speak).

Interested people do more than the bare minimum to keep you hooked.

Interested people do more than "give a kiss after I dropped her off" especially when they are 27yo and have been dating you for 3+ months.

Interested people find time to see you on a regular basis, including on weekends.

Interested people would be exclusive by 3 months.

Interested people might not be completely disinterested; they like having an orbiter they can call on as needed.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, jdann said:

I want to work on the communication and to understand if we are on different pages

She's just showed you very clearly that you two are on different pages. 

When you have to make a case for someone to value you and take interest, well, you're barking up the wrong tree. 

[jdann]

Yes I agree that is how it looks.

 

Of course there is a little hope we can work on things.. will see how she responds 

[FredEire]

8 minutes ago, jdann said:

Yes I agree that is how it looks.

 

Of course there is a little hope we can work on things.. will see how she responds 

No, in my opinion there is no hope you can "work on things". She has shown already she doesnt want to, and there isn't really any coming back from that.

Why do you still want someone who treats you poorly anyway? You are just letting yourself in for a world of pain if you go down that route.

[jdann]

20 minutes ago, FredEire said:

No, in my opinion there is no hope you can "work on things". She has shown already she doesnt want to, and there isn't really any coming back from that.

Why do you still want someone who treats you poorly anyway? You are just letting yourself in for a world of pain if you go down that route.

She is not that bad of a person to not talk about it though.

 

She tried to call on the eve of my birthday but I did not answer at the time.

 

She's been straight up with other things, so I think she will give me clarity now I have called it out.

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, jdann said:

She is not that bad of a person to not talk about it though.

 

She tried to call on the eve of my birthday but I did not answer at the time.

 

She's been straight up with other things, so I think she will give me clarity now I have called it out.

You are making excuses for her.

@introverted1 made a good post. Someone who actually cares is not going to do that, because they would risk losing you.

I hope she gives you clarity but my guess is more breadcrumbs is the most likely outcome.

[jdann]

3 minutes ago, FredEire said:

You are making excuses for her.

@introverted1 made a good post. Someone who actually cares is not going to do that, because they would risk losing you.

I hope she gives you clarity but my guess is more breadcrumbs is the most likely outcome.

Yes I agree they are very good points.

 

I'll update if I get a response !

[jdann]

Would just like to update over the past week - 

 

So after the text she replied to say that reason why she reached out on my Birthday was she wanted to comer see me that evening and felt sad that I did not answer and did not know where she stood with me. We exchanged a few back and forth over the week.

 

I was away with some friends this weekend. The texting has not been great, only really receiving one or two a day with delays of around 12 hours. We only really also had a brief phone call Friday night.

 

I've reached out to see if we are still on for this weekend as we had this booked in for weeks, have a feeling she will now be busy, but this is okay, my head is pretty much out the door at this point.

 

I have decided to mirror her behavior and have also starting speaking to someone new and we are going on a date this week, I do feel guilty for doing this but I also want to move forward with someone who puts in effort I deserve.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, jdann said:

So after the text she replied to say that reason why she reached out on my Birthday was she wanted to comer see me that evening and felt sad that I did not answer and did not know where she stood with me.

Did she explain why she simply ghosted you the night you were supposed to go to hers? 

[jdann]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Did she explain why she simply ghosted you the night you were supposed to go to hers? 

Yeah, she just stayed out later then expected and lost track of time, she said she should of messaged me to say and apologized. Not sure if buy it as she posted on her story most the night.