She is starting to be distant - 3 months of dating

[jdann]

Hello everyone, 

 

I have been reading a lot of forums today and have realized how great this community is! So thought I would give it a shot to help my current situation! 

I have been in a 6 year relationship before which ended unfortunately and moved on! BUT for some reason the person I am currently dating (3 months in) and she has just started to be a little colder and it seems to have given me that "punch in the gut" feeling. 

To give you some background, we matched on a app, get on great and have great chemistry, we have not had sex yet, but have played a around a little as we have stayed over each others places. She wanted us both to so STD tests (which is fair enough) which I have ordered one but as I was on antibiotics for 3 weeks due to a strep infection, I have to wait 3 more weeks before conducting a test due to their guidelines! This however I don't think is an issue of why she is starting to go cold as there is always alot of fliting when we are in person (And helps build that attraction!)

We have texted a bit through the day (Not really a lot) but would always have a phone call towards the end of the day to catch up (new to me but I actually enjoy it! It was something to look forward to). On the side of sending funny reels etc on insta, the usual!!

However this has stopped, usually she would call me as he has a busier schedule, but last couple days she has not, so naturally it'd call her. But the last two days she has not really answered. When she has, conversation is not as long, she does not really ask much about my day anymore (seems on sided!)

My gut feel is she met someone this weekend when she went out with her flat mate, she went out Saturday night and said she might need a lift home and I could stay at hers as we had already scheduled to go pottery painting Sunday (Cute i know!). So, i left my phone on loud as I am a light sleeper! As you can imagine no call.... so the next day I dropped her a messaging just making sure she was okay and hope the evening went well, which developed into conversation about where her and her housemate went and seemed like they had a good time! So I naturally asked if we was still on for pottery painting and she said not today as she was feeling rough but we could do this next weekend! 

However since Sunday, she has not been herself, less calls, texting, when she does it not like shes being blunt but shes not asking the same questions and flowing conversation as before.

Last night we had a phone call to catch up but as arrived home after walking her dog she kind of just hung up? I thought it was a genuine accident so thought she'd call back again but she didn't! So I called and no answer, decided to send a text saying "Everything okay?", no answer so I went to sleep and woke up to text she sent last night say "yesss but you didn't call back" - You can imagine my confusion! 

So I text her back just saying "Goood Morning, I did call u but it rang out!, hope you had a nice evening" just kept it chilled and positive as there is no induction she is a toxic person at all.

But no reply today! I guess I dunno why I have this gut feeling, I've been reading and it seems this is a common thing around 2-3 months? We spoke about being bf/gf once a month back but agreed we was on good momentum and was happy to build on what we have.

Your amazing wisdom would be apricated guys! Feel free to ask any questions to dig deeper  !!! I am not going to double text and do the whole chase and be needy, I am 31 and she is 27 both with good careers.

Thank you :)

 

[jdann]

One thing I would like to add - 

 

We are supposed to be going on a date tomorrow! We was planning on buying a couple of pumpkins and doing some face carving! 

 

Now with her not replying today, I do not know how to play tomorrow if she doesn't respond? If this was like 1-2 weeks into dating I would just be like take the hint and go no contact. But its been 3 months and there is (or was) a connection.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

It certainly does sound like she's losing interest and possibly doing a slow fade.  If I were you I would stop reaching out to her for a few days and see if she makes an effort to contact you.  If she doesn't, stop wasting your time with someone who isn't into you.  

[Interstellar]

I’d get rid of her. Block and delete.

[FredEire]

While I kind of understand the desire to be cautious with someone new, 3 months is a long time to be seeing someone and not have things progress to something physical, and it can easily run out of steam at that stage.

If all goes well you should be eager to explore more as time goes on, and it sounds like you've worn out the "talking stage", and that can mean things go flat and start to feel more safe and "friendly" rather than sexually charged.

Whether she's met someone else or not might be kind of irrelevant, as it sounds like her interest has dropped and that's pretty hard to come back from. I would say probably just move on as well.

[Sanch62]

I agree with the posts above. You don't need to do anything; just pull back and learn whether she picks up the slack or not.

As for a planned date without access to her for confirmation, I'd just treat it like it's off unless she steps up to save it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Something seems off, yes. 

I would stop reaching out to her as well, as the other suggested. Give it a couple days and observe what she does. If you don't hear from her, then I would pack it in and concede that it's not going to work. 

[jdann]

Thank you for the feedback guys.

I am from the UK so reading these on waking up!

She did reach out on reply later in the day saying sorry she did not answer the phone and asked about how my day was going - I kept it light and matched her energy! Se then text me at night a picture of some food she made and asked what I made, I replied with how my evening went and just asked if we are still on for pumpkin patch.

No reply yet but will keep you updated! 

 

 

Edited Wednesday at 07:41 AM by jdann

[Carlston]

Next!

Forget about seeking closure, getting answers that you deserve, or over analyzing what you could have done wrong.

People are fickle and subject to change without notice.

 

 

 

[jdann]

So just an update, she replied. A very positive reply in "morninggg gorgeous" along with some more questions on the food I made and replied to seeing each other tonight saying "Of courseeeee"

I waited a bit to reply and said great, looking forward to seeing and gave some options as the weather looks poor tonight.

A positive and maybe I am just overthinking things but will see how tonight goes. I want to help use this platform as a diary to help reflect and use your advice!

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, jdann said:

So just an update, she replied. A very positive reply in "morninggg gorgeous" along with some more questions on the food I made and replied to seeing each other tonight saying "Of courseeeee"

I waited a bit to reply and said great, looking forward to seeing and gave some options as the weather looks poor tonight.

A positive and maybe I am just overthinking things but will see how tonight goes. I want to help use this platform as a diary to help reflect and use your advice!

Personally I would say listen to your gut. If you felt a pullback, even if she is being warmer again now, you are likely not imagining it.

Every time I've dated someone where it's lead to something solid, the energy was pretty consistent from the get go.

Try and just enjoy it, don't overinvest and if she pulls back you pull back too. If it starts oscillating between this kind of warm stuff and more cold I'd take it as a possible red flag that the relationship is winding down, in my opinion.

You want someone who is engaging with you consistently, not warm when she feels like it and standoffish when she doesn't, while you anxiously wait for her next message.

[smackie9]

keep your options open.

[Carlston]

Play it cool.

The unattainable is always the most attractive.

 

[jdann]

So last night went well. As the weather was no great, we opted for a trip to the shop to buy some things followed by a dog walk.

There was no major red flags during the time, she does have a busy weekend coming up so I mentioned just let me know when you're free - to keep it cool.

We laughed and had a good time and she gave me a kiss when I left and asked me to drop her a text when I get home - so I did saying was nice to see you.

No reply yet but I know she was online after I messaged (I hate that you can see this so I turned off the settings haha)

Will keep my cool and wait for her to reply. I don't know its just a massive overaction from me and I just have a loss of appetite and feel like I have been broken up with for some reason !

 

[jdann]

She replied this morning say "sorry gorgeous, I got in bed and crashed, was in nice to see you too"

Doesn't help knowing that she was online!

Think I am not going to reply until later today, but I don't like these tricks my brain is playing on me! 

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, jdann said:

She replied this morning say "sorry gorgeous, I got in bed and crashed, was in nice to see you too"

Doesn't help knowing that she was online!

Think I am not going to reply until later today, but I don't like these tricks my brain is playing on me! 

They are not necessarily tricks, this woman isn't your girlfriend. You haven't even slept together yet. Really you dont know her level of investment, finding that out is what the early stages of dating is about, getting to know eachother and see if you align and things move forward.

Just from the tone of your messages it sounds like you borderline think of her as your girlfriend already. I would be careful of that, theres nothing solid there yet.

[jdann]

9 minutes ago, FredEire said:

They are not necessarily tricks, this woman isn't your girlfriend. You haven't even slept together yet. Really you dont know her level of investment, finding that out is what the early stages of dating is about, getting to know eachother and see if you align and things move forward.

Just from the tone of your messages it sounds like you borderline think of her as your girlfriend already. I would be careful of that, theres nothing solid there yet.

Thank you, this is great feedback and yes we are not official, I do really like her and see her as a partner. I haven't actually liked someone this much in a long time !

Do you have any tips for being in this current stage? 3 months in seems like the next month or two will be crucial, as we have both our birthday approaching  and also Christmas etc . 

 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, jdann said:

Thank you, this is great feedback and yes we are not official, I do really like her and see her as a partner. I haven't actually liked someone this much in a long time !

Do you have any tips for being in this current stage? 3 months in seems like the next month or two will be crucial, as we have both our birthday approaching  and also Christmas etc . 

 

Overinvestment man, if you look at my threads I struggle with it as much as anyone else!

But I would say dont build castles in the sky, dont make a girl you barely know out to be some wonderful person who is perfect for you, because you dont know that and its only a fantasy that lives in your head. If it all goes up in smoke you feel rather silly for imagining dogs and white picket fences.

At the moment you are assessing her suitability as much as she is assessing yours, important to remember that. You should be prepared to walk away if she's not being warm, considerate and engaging with you on the level. It doesnt sound like she's fully invested, so why should you be? Be warm, receptive but dont lean all the way in until she's proved she's worth it.

Also as others have said in this thread I would keep your options open. If you meet another cute girl and feel like getting her number, do it. You have every right to at this stage, dont reserve your heart for someone who that kind of commitment isn't warranted with yet.

[jdann]

35 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Overinvestment man, if you look at my threads I struggle with it as much as anyone else!

But I would say dont build castles in the sky, dont make a girl you barely know out to be some wonderful person who is perfect for you, because you dont know that and its only a fantasy that lives in your head. If it all goes up in smoke you feel rather silly for imagining dogs and white picket fences.

At the moment you are assessing her suitability as much as she is assessing yours, important to remember that. You should be prepared to walk away if she's not being warm, considerate and engaging with you on the level. It doesnt sound like she's fully invested, so why should you be? Be warm, receptive but dont lean all the way in until she's proved she's worth it.

Also as others have said in this thread I would keep your options open. If you meet another cute girl and feel like getting her number, do it. You have every right to at this stage, dont reserve your heart for someone who that kind of commitment isn't warranted with yet.

I agree, I think I am guilty of overinvestment!

I am mature when it comes to communication, I wont be needy or blow up her phone, I have learnt from that a long time ago!

It is just typical that as soon as I start talking to friends and family that I am dating this girl and its going so well, that this has now happened!

One positive is I have a great relationship with her dog. Her dog is very unsocial and is not good with people and strangers and other dogs due to an accident in the past, but he absolutely loves me and I can see her glowing reaction when she sees me and her dog getting on so well, she has even admitted to that.

Today has been tough man, work has been quiet so it has not helped the overthinking. I am planning to hit the gym after work but its the time of after I have ate to bed I am fearing my brain going into overdrive 

Edited Thursday at 01:43 PM by jdann

[FredEire]

36 minutes ago, jdann said:

I agree, I think I am guilty of overinvestment!

I am mature when it comes to communication, I wont be needy or blow up her phone, I have learnt from that a long time ago!

It is just typical that as soon as I start talking to friends and family that I am dating this girl and its going so well, that this has now happened!

One positive is I have a great relationship with her dog. Her dog is very unsocial and is not good with people and strangers and other dogs due to an accident in the past, but he absolutely loves me and I can see her glowing reaction when she sees me and her dog getting on so well, she has even admitted to that.

Today has been tough man, work has been quiet so it has not helped the overthinking. I am planning to hit the gym after work but its the time of after I have ate to bed I am fearing my brain going into overdrive 

Its typical because in today's world the time to tell your friends and family about the wonderful girl youre seeing is when youre exclusive, not where youre at now.

I dont mean to add to your overthinking but its pretty likely nowadays she is either seeing other guys at the same time or just has them in her DMs, assessing her options. You have to keep that same energy until things move forward, because if one person is far more invested than the other its a mismatch, and she'll get on to the guy who is keeping it chill and putting less pressure on her (who ironically is often a lot less interested in practice).

It seems to me that "boy meets girl and lives happily ever after" is very rare in 2025, its more like "boy whos dating around meets girl whos dating around and after a while they both decide they like eachother more than the other people theyre seeing". Of course there are still people out there who like to focus on one person at a time, but unless youve set that tone early on I wouldn't assume that to be the case.

Edited Thursday at 02:15 PM by FredEire

[jdann]

52 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Its typical because in today's world the time to tell your friends and family about the wonderful girl youre seeing is when youre exclusive, not where youre at now.

I dont mean to add to your overthinking but its pretty likely nowadays she is either seeing other guys at the same time or just has them in her DMs, assessing her options. You have to keep that same energy until things move forward, because if one person is far more invested than the other its a mismatch, and she'll get on to the guy who is keeping it chill and putting less pressure on her (who ironically is often a lot less interested in practice).

It seems to me that "boy meets girl and lives happily ever after" is very rare in 2025, its more like "boy whos dating around meets girl whos dating around and after a while they both decide they like eachother more than the other people theyre seeing". Of course there are still people out there who like to focus on one person at a time, but unless youve set that tone early on I wouldn't assume that to be the case.

That some fair points.

I do feel if she is completely un-interested, she would of made an excuse not to see me yesterday! I agree to the points that she may be talking to other people and that's completely fair if she is, we are not in a relationship.

I have come on here to express and take advice (so thank you).

Let's see if she reaches out anytime soon, it has to be her idea the next time we meet up now!

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, jdann said:

That some fair points.

I do feel if she is completely un-interested, she would of made an excuse not to see me yesterday! I agree to the points that she may be talking to other people and that's completely fair if she is, we are not in a relationship.

I have come on here to express and take advice (so thank you).

Let's see if she reaches out anytime soon, it has to be her idea the next time we meet up now!

I don't think she is completely uninterested. But there are types of interest and levels of interest. Some people date because they feel a romantic pull, sometimes its just sexual, sometimes its just attention and company. Sometimes it can be a combination of all of the above.

The thing is (and granted this is something I myself struggle with), flirtation and romance is a dance. When one person leans too far in, they step on the toes of their partner, and they retreat back. The stage youre at now is more like you're approaching across the dance floor, maybe youve already linked hands but youre still observing with a bit of distance to see how it feels. If one goes rushing in, it throws the rhythm right off.

I do think you should do things to take your mind off her, chat to other women if you can, or at least make more plans with friends and start some hobby/passion projects. Keep her present but diminish her role in your head, let her show you if she deserves more space first.

[jdann]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

I don't think she is completely uninterested. But there are types of interest and levels of interest. Some people date because they feel a romantic pull, sometimes its just sexual, sometimes its just attention and company. Sometimes it can be a combination of all of the above.

The thing is (and granted this is something I myself struggle with), flirtation and romance is a dance. When one person leans too far in, they step on the toes of their partner, and they retreat back. The stage youre at now is more like you're approaching across the dance floor, maybe youve already linked hands but youre still observing with a bit of distance to see how it feels. If one goes rushing in, it throws the rhythm right off.

I do think you should do things to take your mind off her, chat to other women if you can, or at least make more plans with friends and start some hobby/passion projects. Keep her present but diminish her role in your head, let her show you if she deserves more space first.

Yeah this is true, she’s replied this afternoon just asking how my days been but you can just tell by the way it’s written is off ! So not replying until later tonight.

 I do go gym 4/5 times a week and play football on weekends. My close friendship group live all over the country now so it’s hard to just catch up, but we are all getting to together in a couple of weekends time, so looking forward to that.

its just the usual times of winding down in the day where you’re super relaxed and chilled watching tv etc, this is when my mind goes. I know it’s natural and everyone who has been in a position like this before has felt it, just sucks when it’s hard to take your own advice ! 
 

 

[Sanch62]

11 hours ago, jdann said:

Doesn't help knowing that she was online!

You've never gone into your bed and crashed while you were online?

This micro stuff is self-sabotage. You had a great date, then you went straight into tanking yourself.

When someone asks me to confirm I got home, I don't expect a convo out of it.

[Sanch62]

3 hours ago, jdann said:

...she’s replied this afternoon just asking how my days been but you can just tell by the way it’s written is off !

You're projecting your bad vibes onto her. You're pouting because she didn't respond last night. You're being needy, and you'll shoot yourself in the foot because people can smell that stuff from miles away.

Fix your thinking, or you'll make up stories in your head and react to those as though they are true. That'll blow you out of the water.