Deleted text messages

[Anonymous]

My wife and I have been married for a year, together for 6 years.  We had some rough times the first year we were together, specifically with her sending flirty/suggestive texts to a coworker which led to us breaking things off for a while.  We both grew from it and things have been great since we got back together, but I still occasionally suffer from trust issues.

She has been great about being upfront with things, always tells me if another man comes onto her in any way and she shuts it down immediately.  She never protects her phone or does anything to make me suspicious in general, but I always somewhat am on the lookout for anything "out of the ordinary" especially when it comes to other guys she works with.

So 2 years ago when she had a new boss start at work, I saw what I thought were a few red flags but they were probably nothing.  She talked about him a lot, wanted to buy new clothes to start looking more professional, and started working longer hours.  All which could just be things you do to present yourself well for a new boss.  They ended up getting along fairly well and they worked closely together for a long time.  We even decided to have him and his wife at our wedding, along with some of her other coworkers.  Over time they had a couple of after work get-togethers, but it was never just her and him, there was always one or two other people present.

Fast forward to today, she ended up leaving that job several months ago and has actually started working with me, so we are together almost all of the time.  What has raised my suspicion lately is that she still has been texting her old boss, even though she made it clear that they were only work acquaintances and she wasn't friends with anyone or planned on keeping in tough with anyone after she left there.  Several months later and they still catch up every other week or so, mostly just work related stuff that she tells me about but because it seemed weird to me I decided to take a look at what they are messaging about.   Some of it was seemingly harmless joking, not necessarily flirting but they exchange some emojis and then I realized that before their most recent conversation, the entire history had been deleted.

So I checked the deleted messages, and only two remained.  She had contacted him first (not what she told me) by sending a picture of her new office.  Again, seems innocent, but why try to hide it and why delete all messages prior to that?

I wish I wouldn't have looked, I'm sure it's nothing but now it's eating at me.  She is seemingly very transparent, leaving her phone unprotected all the time so I usually feel comfortable and haven't felt to urge to check it in a long time.  But if she is just deleting anything she doesn't want me to see, it's not transparency at all.

I am not sure whether to confront her about this.  Is it normal to still be messaging him after months of not working together?  We are always together so I know she isn't seeing him or anything.  Why would she have deleted messages from him?  If I ask, I probably wouldn't get a very good answer anyway and it would cause her to be more protective of anything she doesn't want me to see.

[BaileyB]

If your wife’s decision to stay in frequent contact with her former boss protecting or harming your marriage? 

I wouldn’t have a problem with the fact that she stays in contact if she told me about it, if it was infrequent, and if other people were present - for example, her former coworkers are going out for dinner/drinks to celebrate a retirement. No worries at all. Maintaining a frequent and private text conversation or meeting alone - for me, these things would not be ok. That said - I trust my husband. He has never given me reason not to trust him - he is an open book. And, his closest coworker is a woman. 

 

[Anonymous]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If your wife’s decision to stay in frequent contact with her former boss protecting or harming your marriage? 

I wouldn’t have a problem with the fact that she stays in contact if she told me about it, if it was infrequent, and if other people were present - for example, her former coworkers are going out for dinner/drinks to celebrate a retirement. No worries at all. Maintaining a frequent and private text conversation or meeting alone - for me, these things would not be ok. That said - I trust my husband. He has never given me reason not to trust him - he is an open book. And, his closest coworker is a woman. 

 

For me, it causes some worry the longer it continues.  This is stemming from my history of trying to rebuild trust.  I don't think she is aware of that, because I want to be understanding of her maintaining contact for at least a little while.  I understand that they were work-friends and she is a social person who will not just break things off at a moments notice.  I don't know what would be considered a normal length of time to stay in touch with an opposite sex coworker in text messages like this.  She has told me about most of it, and it has been infrequent so I didn't have any problem for quite a while.   It was only because it seemed to be going on longer than I expected that I felt the urge to look, and found out that she had actually reached out to him first the last time and then saw that their history had been deleted.

I guess my hope was that eventually it would fizzle out and they would stop talking.  This is why I haven't said anything to her about it, although I think she's known in the past that I wasn't thrilled with the amount or type of interaction they've had.

[Bryanp]

I always have to ask that if the roles were reversed, how would your wife be acting?

[Sanch62]

Did you happen to check whether she made similar deletions to content with other contacts? Lots of people just clear out space in their phones on the regular. It's often pretty random, but often includes images, which take up more room.

Also, I'd consider it pretty reasonable when starting a new job to stay in touch with someone who has been of professional value to you in the past.

I'm not raising any of this in defense of wife, as I have no interest in doing so. But in terms of engaging self-torture for no payoff and unnecessary stressors on your relationship, I'd keep a mentality of ruling OUT potential disloyalty rather than reading that INto things that otherwise present as benign.

Edited June 9 by Sanch62

[Anonymous]

17 hours ago, Bryanp said:

I always have to ask that if the roles were reversed, how would your wife be acting?

I generally think she would not be okay with me messaging other females, based on past experience from a long time ago.  She suffers from some insecurity at times.  But I'm not sure if that would apply with a coworker, as long as she knew it was strictly work related messages.  She would probably want to keep a close eye on that.  It's hard to say because I have not had any need or desire to contact another female for many years, even when it comes to work.

 

14 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Did you happen to check whether she made similar deletions to content with other contacts? Lots of people just clear out space in their phones on the regular. It's often pretty random, but often includes images, which take up more room.

Also, I'd consider it pretty reasonable when starting a new job to stay in touch with someone who has been of professional value to you in the past.

I'm not raising any of this in defense of wife, as I have no interest in doing so. But in terms of engaging self-torture for no payoff and unnecessary stressors on your relationship, I'd keep a mentality of ruling OUT potential disloyalty rather than reading that INto things that otherwise present as benign.

I have not noticed any other deletions from anyone else.  Aside from one instance a few years back, with another coworker I discovered some deleted messages.  At the time, I confronted her about it and even though I saw the messages and there was nothing concerning, she said she had worried that if I looked at them I might take it the wrong way and think she was being too personal with said coworker.

I think in the case it may be the same thing.  The ones I saw that were deleted were nothing concerning, but maybe she worried I would be upset if I saw that she had reached out to him first.  When she mentions their conversations she always makes it sound like he reaches out to her for a question that is work related (she left a pretty big role to fill at her last company).

[LAspen]

Man, you got into a situation that could have been easily foreseen after she emotionally cheated on you the first (?) time you caught her in inappropriate correspondence with a man. Alas, she proved to be a dubious wife, inclined to seek sexually romantic attention from other men. 
By staying with her, you have condemned yourself to constant suspicions, flashbacks and obsessive thoughts, constant jealousy and moral suffering. You have not forgotten or accepted the affair that took place at the beginning of your marriage, and you will never forget or accept her betrayal. Yes, let's call a spade a spade: she betrayed you, broke her marriage vows and promises, no matter how "easy" her infidelity may seem to you. Now you'll doubt her all the time, even for the most innocent reason.
The wisest and least painful decision for you in the long run is a divorce, no matter how crazy it may seem.
I am not naive and I understand that you will not follow my advice. Now you're wearing rose-colored glasses and feeding yourself illusions that she'll "get better" and you'll live happily ever after.
That's why I'm giving you other tips that won't solve your main problem, but will minimize the damage you'll suffer by staying in your marriage. 
1) Never have children with her, at least for the next 6-8 years. Don't let her babytrap you. If she does get pregnant, don't sign the child's birth certificate without a paternity test.
2) Don't believe a single word she says, don't be afraid of anything, don't ask her for anything, don't beg her for anything. 
3) If you want the "truth" about her relationships with other men, then confront her with the divorce papers in one hand and the evidence in the other.
4) If you discover emotional and/or physical infidelity, your official response to her should be an unequivocal declaration of divorce (even if you don't want it). In no case should you be the first to offer "reconciliation" and in no case should you immediately agree to reconciliation. Remember that divorce is not the final separation from your spouse, in some cases, divorce is the beginning of a true reunion after infidelity.
5) The absence of electronic evidence of infidelity (texts, photos, chats, etc.) does not mean the absence of infidelity. Therefore, the best way to catch a cheater is the good old mean - to hire a PI. If I were you, I would also install a VAR and GPS tracker in her car, and hidden cameras and microphones at home wherever she can chat on the phone. It's relatively inexpensive, but it will allow you to "catch" the situation in time.
Accept that you'll be in police mode all the time from now on.
6) Start using the services of a VERY GOOD IC ASAP. Don't waste time and money on MC.
...................................
Good luck, and may God help you!

[swirlingcloud]

On 6/10/2025 at 3:33 PM, Anonymous said:

I generally think she would not be okay with me messaging other females, based on past experience from a long time ago.  She suffers from some insecurity at times.  But I'm not sure if that would apply with a coworker, as long as she knew it was strictly work related messages.  She would probably want to keep a close eye on that.  It's hard to say because I have not had any need or desire to contact another female for many years, even when it comes to work.

 

I have not noticed any other deletions from anyone else.  Aside from one instance a few years back, with another coworker I discovered some deleted messages.  At the time, I confronted her about it and even though I saw the messages and there was nothing concerning, she said she had worried that if I looked at them I might take it the wrong way and think she was being too personal with said coworker.

I think in the case it may be the same thing.  The ones I saw that were deleted were nothing concerning, but maybe she worried I would be upset if I saw that she had reached out to him first.  When she mentions their conversations she always makes it sound like he reaches out to her for a question that is work related (she left a pretty big role to fill at her last company).

Jumping in here, have a history on repeat that when ever me and my husband would go through something bad between us, having an issue or it having nothing to do with us but him not feeling so hot, I suppose, he would do what you do, going through what ever he could, it is a troubled thing one is you are starting the whole thing because you feel this threat, could be imagineable, coming from your own corner, the other a hunche. you want to be right, you look for proof, and you are looking for reasurement. And then the cycle starts all over again, people of habit, evil circle. You have had this now for six years. I know it feels horribla to be jealous and you have had it for so long, I'm sorry.

Once I realized he was not doing well with his jealousy was when he truly saw threat in something so innocent that he thought in future would potentielly do something to make me leave. For some time I would not dare to repeat that, but then I went from that to erasing what ever I would think he would read something into it, so now everything of everything, and it is all innocent is erased. We agreed it was for the best but we did that once I could tell he was OK again. 

I am not like your wife as in using my private cellphone to interact. Interact is only done during work hours. I keep things seperate. I do it out of respect for everyone plus I do not want to give mixed messages nor appreciate a guy who knows I am taking for flirting with me. 

If you two now work together, what does she need him for? I understand if she or you are in a business where need this or to fade things out. Could it be she has made a promise before to take a shot of her new office? 

I used to before relax around guys who were not single because I never thought they would hit on me and 97% of them wouldn't, but I have learned that it can happen. What is most important is how she deals with it if it does and for you to trust that, be OK where her boundaries are. Yours might be more rigid than hers, but that you can still be OK with where her is at.

About text messages,  I find that some females are more sweet in general when they text. Regardless, how one think of a written sentence and how one reads the same sentence can lead to misunderstandings. 

I have never been asked a lot of questions by my husband when he would feel a threat, jealous, it was always way more him stating something, then emotions got to be too strong for him so he would walk out of the room. It has been difficult to make him stay and make him talk to me what's it about. I would  Get afraid when he would simply state something and go away without me being asked or request to answer. What I would do was to try to explain and ask him why this, why now? I found out that writing worked best for us so we would write each other back and forth. Take breaks in the writing too, to breath. 

I don't know how you get but it could be you get to be in a way that she feels afraid and in that moment she lies or she can't remember, goes blank. It does not have to be so, it can be you are right about it, but then think about what exactly are you right about? I see a wife of yours that is now working side by side with you. Who at this point dares to talk to you about this other guy, confiding to you. 

Are you ok with her having this kind of contact with him, with any other male about business? Ok if it stays this way if it does? Or only OK with her going no contact with him? I think it may be confusing for your wife as you too have been given mix messages, as in both of you spending time with him and his wife in private, inviting to wedding. How will she know whats ok or not, by you, herself, them? confusing. And if she would go cold turkey and explain it is because you are jealous, would you be OK with that? Or ashamed or think other people would ger the wrong idea? Would she feel ashamed? Do you understand that she can become afraid and confused on how to act? Have you been in her shoes?

The way I see it you should find a way where you feel more safe, efficient as to communicate with her about this guy, about the jealousy and bring clarity as to where you both want to go from here, so that you have this plan to follow that you both can feel is the right way forward.