SINGLE DISTRAUGHT MALE AFTER an AFFAIR .

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The fact that this affair lasted for 15 years does not demonstrate how serious or committed she was to your relationship… It proves that she is a very skilled liar, capable of deceiving not one but two men for a very long time…

This. 

You have unfortunately wasted a ton of time and energy on someone who played you and her husband like fiddles. I maintain that there is something really wrong with this woman. To be capable of deception like that for years and years - that takes a special kind of selfish and morally bankrupt person. 

You will need a long time to heal, but hopefully when you do, you will see this more clearly and understand that you were never going to have the life you wanted with her. She isn't  capable of it, and didn't actually want it, in the end. 

[JUSTME1]

Well after sending a few texts and emails without any further replies i received the below reply from an old email account i knew i had never used so couldnt of been blocked , assuming my earlier texts / emails may have been.

Dear xxx

I owe you honesty, and I don’t want to hurt you more than I already may have. I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about us, and I know that I need to walk away from this.

I regret that my choices have led us here, and I never wanted to cause pain. But I know that continuing this is not right, and the only choice I can make now is to end things completely. I do not feel about you the way I used to. 

Our time together has meant a lot to me, what we had was meaningful and you will always hold a special place in my heart but my family mean everything to me and I am not going to risk that anymore. Since losing my mom it’s become so apparent that I cant be without those closest to me and that includes my husband.

Please understand that I won’t be able to meet or talk further for obvious reasons. I must let go. Not because I did not cherish what we had, but because some paths must end, no matter how much we wish they wouldn’t.

 I wish you all the very best and I really hope you find happiness and love.

XXX

 

I know i now how to pick myself up from my hurt and try and move forward but feel so empty with just great memories left from 15 years but all my future hopes and dreams in ruins ( assuming they were ever going to happen). Its clear its over and i have no say whatsoever in that  but even now i cant help analyse the wording in the reply and have my own internal debate whether  her choices are a desire on her part to try and make up for her long term guilt or simply an obligation after whats happened. I know she has lived a long term deceit and is a very skilled liar as has been pointed out so the words and reasons could mean nothing so cant tell if they are sincere or not.

 

My long journey of heeling begins....

 

 

[BaileyB]

I would say that he words are sincere. Losing a parent is a pivotal moment in life and it has obviously caused her to reflect on her choices and decide a) that her family means everything to her and for this reason, she has decided that she can no longer engage in behavior that would threaten the stability of her marriage/family and b) hopefully she has done some introspection and decided that this is not the woman that she really wants to be. 

She has given you the closure that you have been seeking - you and your relationship meant something to her but unfortunately, not enough to leave her family and distrust her entire life. Take that for the gift that it is - she is telling you with as much kindness and honesty that she can provide that while she’s enjoyed your time together, it’s time for you to move on.

It’s unfortunate that she waited 15 years to tell you this… that was an unfair and unkind thing for her to do - to both you and her family. But, that’s also on you - you made the very poor decision to get involved with another man’s wife and you stayed for 15 years, hoping that your ship would come in… Glad to hear that you have finally accepted that it’s time to let this go… Life is short, don’t waste too much time grieving this relationship when you could be building a life and another relationship that will bring you the joy that you seek. 

 

Edited May 29 by BaileyB

[Sanch62]

8 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

i cant help analyse the wording in the reply and have my own internal debate whether  her choices are a desire on her part to try and make up for her long term guilt or simply an obligation after whats happened. I know she has lived a long term deceit and is a very skilled liar as has been pointed out so the words and reasons could mean nothing so cant tell if they are sincere or not.

You're still spinning, and that's your habitual way of grinding yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of. It doesn't matter whether this is sincere or an obligation. It's her position. Period.

So you get to decide whether to keep drilling yourself into a hole of more stagnation or to begin your ascent into building your future. It won't be the one you've envisioned, but if you step up, it could be better.

You've kept yourself in a self-created cage of illusion. You can make a better decision, and you are free to do so. Choose wisely.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

ave my own internal debate whether  her choices are a desire on her part to try and make up for her long term guilt or simply an obligation after whats happened

Sincere question - what difference does it make at this point? 

It doesn't change the end result, which is that she has completely ended it and been clear that all contact is going to cease as well.  That is what you need to work towards -  truly accpeting that it's over. Mulling over why she has made this choice is going to be waste of your energy. It's human to wonder, of course, but it isn't goingt to change anything for you. 

It's also time to reflect more on the choices you have made along the way, and why you allowed youurself to so wrapped up in such a poor prospect for so long. That will be a big par tof your healing, understanding what got your here. 

[JUSTME1]

Re the comment from ExpatinItaly, 

 

i acknowledge that the end result is the same from her message but id like to really understand what i meant to her and the depth of feeling and basis of her decision as you can do something that you dont really want to because you feel obligation and or guilt as opposed to being happy to make a certain decision so i guess whilst of no use to me gives me some idea of her true feeling assuming shed tell the truth. In 15 years we did not have one single crossed word / argument so whilst she may of lived a life of deceit and lies i can only see what i experienced in terms of her warm, generosity and general actions towards me and its a big charade to carry for 15 years.

 

She has chosen her husband over me, i get that but i suppose i want to understand my importance to her and what feeling she really had.I even wonder how easy or not it must be for her moving on now and whether im still in her thoughts and emotions and whether things are hard for her to process and move forward from in her life.

 

Im just a very deep thinker.... 

 

anyway.....

[ExpatInItaly]

I think that unfortunately you will never really know what brought her to this decision and whether or not she lost feelings or felt obligated.It sounds like she wants no further contact, so it's a conversation that won't be had. 

The only way forward now is find your own clousre and make peace with what has happened. Be patient with yourself as you heal. 

[JUSTME1]

Thanks Expat. Personally i really do think she had amazing deep love for me and never intended to string me along...i will never know. We maybe had such an addiction to one another it couldnt stop and she didnt want to stop until various non related issues came to a head and choices had to be made and whilst her love never diminished other factors too including stability , obligation , guilt, improved sense of right and wrong and not wanting to hurt anyone anymore( accepting a lot of damage done to me and obviously her relationship has potentially happened ) unless of course she can continue at home like nothing ever happened as unlikely as it seems and i will never know the true state off affairs in her home life, only what she said likewise whether everything i thought of us was an illusion.

some have passed judgement , i had invited opinion and views and i welcomed those and whilst everything may point to a dark picture of her unless i have been totally duped she was always an amazingly caring lady who is among many people who against their better judgement fall in love with someone they shouldnt and whilst she carried on i knew she carried that guilty weight.  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, JUSTME1 said:

unless i have been totally duped she was always an amazingly caring lady

You weren't duped. 

You just know that this caring side of her is not the whole truth. She didn't extend that care to her husband, obviously. 

[JUSTME1]

Its all small detail i know but for some reason it matters to me and i dont have much reason to disbelieve much of what she said as theres many things i know that support her narrative of a poor home relationship and she'd have no reason to paint an alternative vision.

 

[BaileyB]

Just now, JUSTME1 said:

There’s many things i know that support her narrative of a poor home relationship

Most married people in affairs tell their affair partner that they have a poor marriage - it’s the foundation upon which you built your relationship with her. Not very many people would choose to be in an extramarital affair if their affair partner was honest and said - “I love my spouse and I have no intention of ever leaving my marriage.” For that reason, you need to take anything she says about her marriage with a grain of salt…

Besides - it matters not. She has chosen to stay in her marriage. Good, bad, or otherwise - she has chosen to stay, for herself. That’s bottom line. No need to dissect this further - she has chosen her marriage. 

[Bettyyyyy]

I really feel your pain. What you went through wasn’t just an affair, it was a relationship that spanned over a decade and clearly meant the world to you. That kind of bond doesn’t just disappear overnight, even if it ended suddenly.

It sounds like she truly did love you, but the weight of her personal life finally caught up with her. People break under stress, guilt, fear-and especially when someone they love is in pain or dying. It doesn't necessarily mean she stopped loving you, it might just mean she hit her emotional limit.

You’re grieving something real. It’s okay to feel heartbroken, confused, angry, or even hopeful at times. But don’t torture yourself wondering what she’s thinking or feeling every minute. That loop won’t bring peace.

Please don’t isolate yourself-whether or not your circle knew about the relationship, you still deserve support. Therapy could really help here, even if it’s just to say things out loud that have been stuck in your chest for years.

You didn’t do anything wrong by loving her or believing in a future. You gave your heart. That’s not weakness. That’s what makes you human.

Sending strength your way. Keep writing if it helps. You're not alone.

[JUSTME1]

Thanks Bettyyyy. A lovely note and sums up everything from my perspective and hopefully how the lady in question felt / still does feel towards me.  Its a cliche i know and people will say it but we were like soul mates that unfortunately had fate to meet and a certain destiny albeit the timing of our meeting didnt align with the fate .

 

Im not a naive person , have a great job and what i would consider a great level of emotional intelligence  and openness with my own emotions and whilst im hurting like crazy it doesnt help to think that i have been loved all this time accepting its making my pain even worse because of the loss.

The affair had been secret aside from my parents who are both in their mid 80's so couldnt really  burden them and one  friend who knew a little so i rang for 3 hrs last night to try and unburden myself.

Hopefully the viscous circle of pain starts  to to ease over the next year and whilst i have no enthusiasm for anything at the minute not least work my job is probably a welcome distraction  and keeping me sane.

[JUSTME1]

Again Bettyyy, thanks its  so nice of you to post and for a total stranger to have such  a caring nature towards someone whilst grasping their thoughts.

Same goes for all who have posted.

xx

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

i would consider a great level of emotional intelligence  and openness with my own emotions

I would ask yourself this: why was this sort of quasi-relationship enough for you, year after year after year? 

No matter how one slices it, affairs just can't tick all the boxes that a real relationship can, They can't really thive, simoly because the married party isn't available to be a full-time partner. So I would reflect on why that was sufficent for you for 15 long years. Are you somewhat afraid of commitment yourself? Sometimes we choose these sort of arrangements not only because we like the unavailable partner, but also because we are unavailable ourselves to a certain extent. It can be a comfortable place when not too much is asked or expected of us. 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Bettyyyyy said:

It’s okay to feel heartbroken, confused, angry. But don’t torture yourself wondering what she’s thinking or feeling every minute. That loop won’t bring peace.

As the saying goes, pain is inevitable in life. Suffering is optional. 

 

7 hours ago, Bettyyyyy said:

You didn’t do anything wrong by loving her or believing in a future. You gave your heart. That’s not weakness. That’s what makes you human.

It’s the age-old debate on this site - should one fall their heart or their head? To this I say, follow your rainbow but do so with the knowledge that there are consequences for every decision that we all make in life. It’s great to follow your heart wherever it may lead you, but if one does not also use their head to make wise and responsible decisions when choosing a relationship/partner - they are more likely to find themselves seriously broken hearted. 

Edited May 30 by BaileyB

[JUSTME1]

Bailey, id seen you last comment pre edit so will answer accordingly: We werent seeking each other out and after solely talking for 7 months it was clear we had a connection that was off the scale and this got stronger in every aspect. The circumstances clearly werent great but things were effortless between us in spite of the dynamics and distance of approx 100 miles. The commitment to see one another was massive and both of us used so much of out holiday etc to see one another which was harder for her but obviously my life was more affected in terms of free time elsewhere and my commitment to be single . You can image the effort she made for 15 years and the mental pain to live with the mental pressure.  Theres too much to tell but i was the happiest ive ever been in my life in the times we spent together as was she and there were other issues preventing us being together earlier and for the last couple of years everything was coming together ( i honestly believe) but several events instantly changed when we were literally over the line. Maybe the relationship and success rate was always doomed but we didnt think so and and nor did i .

Maybe it was a long shot gamble but it felt like i could of potentially spent all my life looking for a single partner that whilst available would of never of made me anywhere near as happy thus potentially had no better chase of success albeit no restrictions.  You can imagine how well we knew one another after all this time and it wasnt like we were simply grabbing odd hrs together ie 4 times we had solid weeks togther and endless 2-3 days together.

 

I don t think i could of had any happier days in if id of been in someones else company for 5 years solid assuming id of wanted to be with someone for 5 years whom i wasnt so in love with.

 

There are no guarantees in life and yes i accept i backed a horse that had less chance of crossing the winning line.

 

The pain now tells me how much things meant and maybe it was always waiting for me  and our chances against all odds with the odds stacked.

 

[MsJayne]

On 5/30/2025 at 5:13 AM, JUSTME1 said:

But I know that continuing this is not right,

It took her 15 years to work that out?  So much for that Masters in Psychology. She's so toxic it's a wonder the UNEP haven't put out a warning about her. 

 

On 5/30/2025 at 5:13 AM, JUSTME1 said:

I do not feel about you the way I used to. 

Translation, you're no longer of any use to her.  Apart from that statement that entire email is a load of horse sh*t, platitudes carefully worded and intended to make you go away without becoming so enraged that you decide to expose her. You want to believe her because it makes it a tiny bit less painful, but as long as you maintain that belief you won't move forward. If you're ever lucky enough to meet a decent woman in the future, someone who actually deserves your love, you'll be too busy carrying a torch for this lying lowlife to see the value of someone who's real. How you felt when you were with her is totally irrelevant, your whole relationship was based on a huge lie, her whole life is a huge lie, she's made her husband's life a huge lie, and deep down you know that, you just can't face it yet. Personally I think she deserves to be exposed, she's playing everyone around her for a fool, you most of all. I'd box up the stuff she bought for the house she was never really going to buy and have it delivered to the house she shares with her unfortunate husband, just for the fun of making her sh*t her pants. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

If you're ever lucky enough to meet a decent woman in the future, someone who actually deserves your love, you'll be too busy carrying a torch for this lying lowlife to see the value of someone who's real.

That would be such a shame, but I fear that it’s true based on OP last post. 

What she has done here is so awful - to both her husband and her affair partner - and yet, he is still convinced that she is the love of his life. The little time that they shared together was so meaningful to him that it was worth the cost - in every way. If that’s what you choose for your life, that’s fine. It would all be good - if she didn’t have a husband and a family that are hurt in the process. 

Personally, I don’t think she has to fear retribution or discovery. I think the delusion and the feelings here are not a threat to the marriage. But yes, there were a lot of platitudes in the email and a clear message that she wanted the relationship to end and for the affair partner to go away…

 

Edited May 31 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

Maybe the relationship and success rate was always doomed but we didnt think so and and nor did i .

How did you not think so when year after year she continued to choose her marriage over you? 

16 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

You can image the effort she made for 15 years and the mental pain to live with the mental pressure

Doubtful. This is the same woman who is clearly missing an empahty chip. I think she compartmentalizes like nobody's business and doesn't feel thiings anywhere near as deeply as you'd like believe. Anyone capable of 15 years of living a double life is not quite right in the head. 

16 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

Maybe the relationship and success rate was always doomed but we didnt think so and and nor did i .

Well, this is plain foolish thinking on your part. Even if she had left her marriage, the chances that you would have ridden off happly into the sunset are slim. She is a woman with some deep, deep issues. To imagine those would not have affected a "real" relationship between the two of you? That is also fairly delusional. You two had constructed and sold yourselves a fantasy on many levels here.  You don't yet want to see her for who she is, because it served your own agenda not to. 

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

What she has done here is so awful - to both her husband and her affair partner

Hopefully one day you really see this, OP. She has discarded you like yesterday's leftovers and she's carrying on with her life and too bad for you. It's way past time to take your blinders off about this person. 

And it's time to ask yourself why you felt it was okay to behave this way with another man's wife. Your own moral compass is badly in need of polishing. She is a piece of work and responsible for her own marriage, yes, but where is your accountability in participating actively in the deception of another person like this? What have you been telling yourself over these 15 years to justify your own behaviour? 

[BaileyB]

52 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What have you been telling yourself over these 15 years to justify your own behaviour? 

That it would all work out in the end when she chose her “soul mate,” ended her marriage, and they lived happily ever after. The end justifies the means…

He has said in as many words, he believed her marriage to be bad - that was the reason why she was pursuing this affair. It’s likely the reason why there is so little remorse - no sense that what he has done for the past fifteen years was wrong. The marriage was not meant to be, and all would right itself with time. The betrayed husband would somehow accept his fate, be appreciative of the financial generosity of his wife, and magically fade off into the past… Well, shock of all shocks, in her email she said “my marriage/family means everything to me.” Those are not the words of a woman who has been in a bad marriage. This has always been her decision - she has just now made it official. Put it in words. But her actions have long said - “I’ve really enjoyed the visit/vacation, but I’m going to return to my marriage and my real life now.” The “blame” is placed on “circumstances beyond anyone’s control.” OP truly believes that had her mother not become ill and died, she would have continued on her path and things would have finally “come together” as he had planned. 

This is not to minimize the feelings that you have held for this woman and this relationship OP. The relationship meant a lot to you and the grief is real. I’d like to say that it is a spectacularly bad decision that had a predictably disastrous ending…but, you continue to defend the decision. You are focused on your experience in the relationship, ignoring some of the more obvious red flags here. I agree with expat, there is something very, very wrong with a woman who can continue to lead a double life in this way for this long. 

Edited May 31 by BaileyB

[KentuckyEsq]

I would rather have not had that kind of closure. 15 years and you basically got a pat on the head for being a good boy. Receiving something like this (if I got anything at all) is exactly why I haven't reached out seeking closure. As well as other reasons. I simply can't wrap my head around 15 years though. My affair was 1/10th that length and it felt like forever. I give advice better than I take it and I can tell you, just like me you fell under the spell of a narcissist. 

[Bettyyyyy]

On 5/14/2025 at 9:26 AM, JUSTME1 said:

I'm a single 56 year old male and some 15 years ago met a married lady online and chatted for 6-8 months before finally meeting. We had so much in common in every aspect and ultimately we started an affair which lasted 15 years which some may find incredible. We lived over 1.5 hrs away from one another but would see one another every 2-3 weeks, would text call all the time , would manage to spend time away together and even managed to go on overseas holidays three times during the period and literally all my holiday and most of hers would be spent seeing one another. We were both madly in love with one another and wanted to be together all the time and the lady in question for the last  10 years for various reasons had been unable to separate from her husband, albeit wanted to and during then during the last year decided she would leave her partner and looked solidly for houses culminating in her putting an offer in for one during January...so all good. I committed to moving close by or with her when the dust settled so it wasnt out of the frying pan into the fire etc

 

Roll on three months and several awful events all happening in her married life at the same time with both parents being taken seriously ill with one passing away very recently. We spent less time together during this traumatic period , albeit i thought everything was ok and then out of the blue an email , not even a call saying she had pulled out of the house and couldnt do this any more due to the stress / deceit etc leaving me totally destroyed. Not a single person aside from my parents ( in 80's) knows of our relationship as i /we are very private people and have good jobs etc . It just seems that recent events and the stress of everything thats been going on have simply been too much and resulted in her finishing over one month ago and whilst i have the odd text response it appears there is no resumption possible for our relationship and she is unwilling to meet / discuss.

 

This wasnt any casual fling as youve gathered and it felt like i was married / committed and i know without a shadow of doubt what i meant to her too but am finding it impossible right now as a massive part of me has been ripped away from my life and im desperately  unhappy that everything we ( honestly we) both wanted and had hoped for is now lost.

 

I just dont know how to move on right  now  and we we amazing together, knew one another inside out and after all these years meant the world to me. Maybe im being hard on myself and am thinking how could this happen as i know she has been dreadfully unhappy at home for all these years but wonder if she simply could make the break or whether recent events have caused a major guilt trip / change of heart. I cant even sleep or stop thinking of her and wonder if she has just fallen out of love with me all of a sudden , albeit we never had one single cross word and loved one another so much or whether she is suffering with my loss massively and thinking of me non stop whilst trying to concentrate back with her marriage and if so how easy will this be for her ??? We are so ingrained in one another and soulmates . Her partner has no idea of the affair so i can appreciate the stress she must of been under all these years but the house moved that was within touching distance would of resolved all of that , albeit there would of been the stress of the separation etc.

i could write on endlessly about our story and im so sad now. Im sure i must be on her mind constantly too but its no consolation and its hard to picture things without her. Maybe she is now happier at home without the stress of me or would things be worse at home for her, i just dont know but im heartbroken. I remain fully committed to her throughout all the time  and she knew id pledged my life to her and us buying a place together. 

Hey man, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. 15 years is not a fling.. that’s a huge part of your life, and losing it so suddenly would wreck anyone. You’re grieving not just her, but the future you believed you were building together.

It sounds like she truly cared, but in the end, the weight of everything( her family, guilt, her home life) became too much. It doesn’t mean your connection wasn’t real. It was. But sometimes, even love gets buried under years of pressure and fear.

Right now, give yourself permission to grieve. Talk to someone like a therapist, a trusted friend. Because carrying this alone will eat you alive. This is going to take time, but you will move forward eventually. You loved deeply. That counts for something.

Sending strength your way. You're not alone.