SINGLE DISTRAUGHT MALE AFTER an AFFAIR .

[JUSTME1]

I'm a single 56 year old male and some 15 years ago met a married lady online and chatted for 6-8 months before finally meeting. We had so much in common in every aspect and ultimately we started an affair which lasted 15 years which some may find incredible. We lived over 1.5 hrs away from one another but would see one another every 2-3 weeks, would text call all the time , would manage to spend time away together and even managed to go on overseas holidays three times during the period and literally all my holiday and most of hers would be spent seeing one another. We were both madly in love with one another and wanted to be together all the time and the lady in question for the last  10 years for various reasons had been unable to separate from her husband, albeit wanted to and during then during the last year decided she would leave her partner and looked solidly for houses culminating in her putting an offer in for one during January...so all good. I committed to moving close by or with her when the dust settled so it wasnt out of the frying pan into the fire etc

 

Roll on three months and several awful events all happening in her married life at the same time with both parents being taken seriously ill with one passing away very recently. We spent less time together during this traumatic period , albeit i thought everything was ok and then out of the blue an email , not even a call saying she had pulled out of the house and couldnt do this any more due to the stress / deceit etc leaving me totally destroyed. Not a single person aside from my parents ( in 80's) knows of our relationship as i /we are very private people and have good jobs etc . It just seems that recent events and the stress of everything thats been going on have simply been too much and resulted in her finishing over one month ago and whilst i have the odd text response it appears there is no resumption possible for our relationship and she is unwilling to meet / discuss.

 

This wasnt any casual fling as youve gathered and it felt like i was married / committed and i know without a shadow of doubt what i meant to her too but am finding it impossible right now as a massive part of me has been ripped away from my life and im desperately  unhappy that everything we ( honestly we) both wanted and had hoped for is now lost.

 

I just dont know how to move on right  now  and we we amazing together, knew one another inside out and after all these years meant the world to me. Maybe im being hard on myself and am thinking how could this happen as i know she has been dreadfully unhappy at home for all these years but wonder if she simply could make the break or whether recent events have caused a major guilt trip / change of heart. I cant even sleep or stop thinking of her and wonder if she has just fallen out of love with me all of a sudden , albeit we never had one single cross word and loved one another so much or whether she is suffering with my loss massively and thinking of me non stop whilst trying to concentrate back with her marriage and if so how easy will this be for her ??? We are so ingrained in one another and soulmates . Her partner has no idea of the affair so i can appreciate the stress she must of been under all these years but the house moved that was within touching distance would of resolved all of that , albeit there would of been the stress of the separation etc.

i could write on endlessly about our story and im so sad now. Im sure i must be on her mind constantly too but its no consolation and its hard to picture things without her. Maybe she is now happier at home without the stress of me or would things be worse at home for her, i just dont know but im heartbroken. I remain fully committed to her throughout all the time  and she knew id pledged my life to her and us buying a place together. 

[BaileyB]

I’m truly sorry for the pain of your loss. There is great sadness in the end of many relationships, and you were clearly very invested with this woman. 
 

43 minutes ago, JUSTME1 said:

This wasn’t any casual fling as you’ve gathered and it felt like i was married / committed

The sad reality is that she is committed to another man. Not to dismiss how you felt, it clearly wasn’t a casual fling… but, the reality here is that she was always committed to another man. For that reason, it was very unwise to be planning a future with this woman. 

She has chosen to stay in her marriage, for whatever the reason. You will need to grieve the loss of this relationship and when you are ready, move forward. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

I remain fully committed to her throughout all the time  and she knew id pledged my life to her and us buying a place together.

This is sad to read. 

I get that you were very deep in your feelings for her. I also believe she has a lot of feelings for you. However, it was simply not wise to commit your whole self and your whole life to someone who's always been committed to someone else. 

You say she'd put an offer on this house. Had she also filed for separation from her husband? Where was she in the process of disolving her marriage? 

[JUSTME1]

She was going  to buy the house as she could afford it and then separate from her husband and leave him everything so his life would of remained unchanged in that respect ie he kept the house in full as she earned a very good wage  and rather than have a messy separation she was going to leave him everything and she would just keep her salary and pension etc.

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, JUSTME1 said:

She was going  to buy the house as she could afford it and then separate from her husband and leave him everything so his life would of remained unchanged in that respect ie he kept the house in full as she earned a very good wage  and rather than have a messy separation she was going to leave him everything and she would just keep her salary and pension etc.

This just doesn’t even sound like it’s based in any way in reality. Who buys a house separate from their spouse and then thinks the divorce will be settled on her terms - she will generously “gift” him the house and keep her salary and pension… 

First, that’s not how the law works where I live - 

Second, it’s just so unbelievably self- entitled that she could even propose such a plan and believe that he - and you - would see no problem with this. 

Is it any wonder that this fantasy bubble finally burst - 

[JUSTME1]

obviously he knew nothing of this but financially she was very well off so whilst there would of been the grief of their separation  the settlement she was going to offer was far in excess of any court award etc so its all very real...believe me/ or was and obviously we wrent going to be a couple for a while  for obvious reasons and would kept our relationship a secret  and very discrete

[Sanch62]

My heart goes out to you. At some point, you will reconcile that this woman has had 15 years to leave her husband, yet she never has.

You have many years to live the rest of your life. You get to decide whether to thrive or not. It's a decision.

[KentuckyEsq]

My particular situation was 1.5 yrs. and not 15. . . and it has been hell trying to move on. So I can't imagine. On the other hand, surely after a period of time you had to know that the happy ending wasn't in the cards for you. Sadly, she strung you along for 15 years. 

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

She was going  to buy the house as she could afford it and then separate from her husband

That should have been your first clue that this was not a real plan. 

In what world would she have been able to buy a whole house without her husband's knowledge, and then tell him she wanted to separate? Come on, man. This was never a very plausible approach and very unlikely have actually happened that way. It sounds like you both very much wanted to buy into the fantasy but her entire plan was unrealistic.

I am sorry. I hope that in time you will really see that this woman was not going to leave her marriage. Not when push really came to shove. You are going to be best to heal and move on. She is a dead-end in your life. 

[Will am I]

First, I am sorry for your heartbreak.

Affairs are strong emotional bonds and people in affairs are extra vulnerable because these things are usually kept in the shadows. Hence most people in affairs will lack an emotional support system when things go south. I sympathize with you for the pain and loneliness you must be experiencing.

 

Second, and I realize these words are 15 years late. If they will leave their marriage for the affair, they probably had already left the marriage before or right at  the start of the affair.

There may be "success stories" where the affair couple leave their respective relationships and build a life together. But I believe that's a very rare outcome. Most affairs will linger on in the shadows for a while. I'm not shocked to read it lasted 15 years. It's the lower contact frequency and the excitement that comes with the forbidden nature of the relationship that can keep things captivating for a long time.

 

But then, affairs are not usually lifelong either. They last until the flame goes out or some sudden event shakes things up.

When I write "sudden event" it can be the spouse discovering the affair and forcing the AP to reconsider their choices. But it can also be any life event that shakes the ground under our feet.

 

I believe this is what happened here:

On 5/14/2025 at 3:26 PM, JUSTME1 said:

 

Roll on three months and several awful events all happening in her married life at the same time with both parents being taken seriously ill with one passing away very recently. We spent less time together during this traumatic period , albeit i thought everything was ok and then out of the blue an email , not even a call saying she had pulled out of the house and couldnt do this any more due to the stress / deceit etc leaving me totally destroyed. Not a single person aside from my parents ( in 80's) knows of our relationship as i /we are very private people and have good jobs etc . It just seems that recent events and the stress of everything thats been going on have simply been too much and resulted in her finishing over one month ago and whilst i have the odd text response it appears there is no resumption possible for our relationship and she is unwilling to meet / discuss.

The illness and subsequent passing of her parent were the earth-shaking event. Like these events tend to do, it caused her to snap out of her routines and start reconsidering her life choices. And unfortuately for you, the affair was no longer on her wish list.

 

I realize that this isn't doing much to ease the pain, but I do hope it gives some perspective.

I think the big choice you need to consider over the next year or so is whether you want to be in a romantic relationship, and if so in which kind of relationship.

 

 

 

 

[JUSTME1]

Just to add against the earlier comment about not being able to buy a house in full without her husbands knowledge. This was indeed the case  and as mentioned she had a great career and had A) already changed her will B) having reached 55 she had taken a large cash injection by cashing her work pension in which i know to be true as we had jointly looked for houses for her for several months late last year and she had actually made and offer on several having proved affordability so as unlikely as it seems everything is true. She'd of purchased the house without financial concern and could of moved in at will having then finished with her husband. During this period i was going to move in temporarily while the house was being decorated as i can work remotely and also we could of seen one another more easily saving the 1.5hrs between us.

It was just the  awful events and timing of everything. If the house would of gone through before all the awful events we'd of been in a whole different place.

 

I know she hasnt been happy at home for years and clearly is trying to make things work or recent events have created an emotional obligation  or duty to stay for marriage sake  which is painful for all concerned. A long sad story.

[JUSTME1]

The heartache im suffering is massive and a big part of me ripped away  and whilst its so hard i still cant stop wondering and worrying if she is ok as i know this wasnt what she wanted.  How will she be coping , will she be worrying and thinking of me  ? moved on and grieving the loss of me and her mother ? finding everything difficult at home thinking of her guilt and loss of a parent but better the loss of the stress of seeing me has gone no matter how difficult . So many emotions and i should just worry about myself i know but im an overthinker and torture myself with all the what ifs etc etc

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, JUSTME1 said:

i still cant stop wondering and worrying if she is ok as i know this wasn’t what she wanted.  

It is what she chose. 

She had 15 years to make the decision to leave her marriage to be with you. When it came time to put dreams/plans into action - she made the decision to stay in her marriage. 
 

49 minutes ago, JUSTME1 said:

Just to add against the earlier comment about not being able to buy a house in full without her husbands knowledge. This was indeed the case  and as mentioned she had a great career and had A) already changed her will B) having reached 55 she had taken a large cash injection by cashing her work pension

Just one last thing about this discussion - do you really want to be with someone who could be so deceptive? I mean - how could you ever trust her? 

If you truly want to understand what kind of person she is - look at how she has treated her husband? The man that she chose to be her life partner. She has conducted an extramarital affair and lied to her husband every day for the past 15 years. She has cashed in her pension (which, where I live, he would be entitled to half of that money) and bought a house without his knowledge or consent (which again, where I live, he could argue is a marital asset of which he is entitled to half the value of the home). 

She is manipulative, disloyal, and deceptive - is this really the kind of person that you would choose to trust with your life and finances? 

Whats more - I would say that she has also been manipulative, disloyal, and deceptive to you as well… you are just not ready to acknowledge that yet. That is a very hard thing to accept when you have invested so much of your time and hopes in a relationship. 

Edited May 15 by BaileyB

[JUSTME1]

Hi Bailey, read further up in the commentary re the house and monetary side of things...she was leaving her partner far in excess of 50% of what was due.

I understand your other points and there are many reasons why she didnt leave her husband and none for  selfish benefit . She honestly hated what she had done and i know the guilt for her was awful. People dont always plan on falling in love.   

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, JUSTME1 said:

she was leaving her partner far in excess of 50% of what was due.

The fact that she was making a generous offer doesn’t change the deceptive nature of the betrayal. 

Depending on the law, he may have chosen to accept her offer or he may have chosen to hire an attorney and settle the divorce in court. You seem to believe that he would amicably accepted her offer and settled out of court - and that is an assumption that may or may not have proven to be correct.

Regardless, there will be no divorce because she has chosen, at least at this point in time, to stay in her marriage. 

 

[KentuckyEsq]

Buddy, trust me you're kidding yourself. I'm still in the throes of heartache over my married AP  who chose him over me when it was discovered. It's a hard pill to swallow as it is for me, but you were always expendable. What she was doing to you has a name; it's called "future faking." I advise you read up on it. As a divorce lawyer and as one who studied these issues extensively when it happened to me, there more than likely was never a future though 15 years is a long time. Again just like me, your emotional thinking has completely overridden your logical/rational thinking. There's also all sorts of info out there on that. She's likely a narcissist. And yes I know I can't make a formal diagnosis. I get it...I do. I'm still not there 4 months later but am better than I was. But my emotional thinking still wins out over logic and rationality. It will take a long long time. I still hold out hope for my AP (emotional thinking) but know deep down it's over and that is best (logic). I could never truly trust her. You were as I was, in love with the fantasy. 

[MsJayne]

You're in excruciating emotional pain, I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm with @KentuckyEsq  about the 'future faking', and I strongly advise you to read all you can about it, and everything you can find on narcissism, because, contrary to what most people think, you don't have to be Sigmund Freud to identify the condition and the associated behaviours. The best person to identify one of these individuals is someone who lives or works with them every day, even a psychiatrist can miss the traits because narcissists are so incredibly adept at hiding the true self and manipulating others perception of them through image control. Going through the motions of looking at houses, making offers, etc, is highly typical of future faking, and painting herself as the guilty saint by saying she would give her husband more than his share in a divorce settlement is also typical of the grandiosity this personality type displays. She's been cuckolding and lying to her husband for 15 years, displaying a complete lack of empathy, and I bet you've heard all about how inadequate, or abusive, or self-centered he is, and that's called 'projection', where the narcissist accuses others of their own personality traits. A long-term affair is one of the best ways a narcissist can fuel their bottomless need for affirmation, admiration, and attention, because the intermittent nature of the relationship, the unavailability, ensures that your adoration won't be tarnished by the humdrum of everyday life together, you only ever see the best of the person and their darker side remains hidden. Here's a horrible fact - if she really felt the same way you do she would have ended her marriage a long time ago, even if there were children involved. Children, financial interests, and family illness are among the most common reasons the narcissist will use to remain in an "unhappy" marriage. I'd be very interested to hear how her husband would describe her, because you can bet your life that you wouldn't recognise the description as the woman you believe you know so well. You say you're soul mates, but the narcissist has no soul, that's why they have to feed on yours, it's what keeps them afloat, your adoration is like oxygen to them. The sudden end to your relationship is also typical, it's called the 'discard' and it usually occurs when you become problematic, (you start questioning them or start setting boundaries, or you make demands), or you no longer serve a purpose, and her occasional responses to your texts are called 'bread-crumbing', (keeping you dangling).  You're wondering if she's thinking of you constantly, losing sleep the same way you are, pining and wasting away like Cathy in 'Wuthering Heights'. The answer is an emphatic No, it's highly unlikely. Certainly she'll think of you, she may miss the satisfaction she gets out of secretly abusing her husband, and she may miss manipulating you, but if she's a good-looking woman there's a high chance she's found herself a replacement for you. If she has, and it doesn't work out, she'll probably be back, and if she does come back you'll probably fall straight back in. I hope you don't, I hope you educate yourself about narcissism and see the light, and I sincerely hope you're able to move forward without experiencing the trauma which can be associated with narcissistic abuse. I apologise if you find my post offensive or hurtful, I've deeply insulted the woman you adore, but I've spent years researching this personality type and I can smell them at fifty paces. 

Edited May 16 by MsJayne

[BaileyB]

To provide a few examples of the future faking that occurs in affairs, from this site - there are stories of men who buy a diamond ring and propose to their affair partner only to leave the affair. There was one man who left his wife and children to buy a home and get a dog with his affair partner - only to return to his marriage. And, other men who told their affair partner that he wanted her to have his baby… and when she got pregnant, he ended the affair. 

Sadly, people do this and it is very hurtful. Destructive. It’s hard to walk away but it’s something you need to do - now. 

[KentuckyEsq]

I suggest googling HG Tudor and reading his work, watching his videos etc. Also, MsJayne absolutely nailed everything. Take it to heart. Everything she said is true. None of this is to say that you should just buck up and "get over it." That's impossible. You have a long road of grieving ahead of you. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. And it is not like you can share details easily like in a normal breakup. Only my mother, my sister and one close friend knows about this. After awhile they probably got tired of hearing about it so now I grieve alone. Like I said, it gets some better but you'll still grieve. And despite the illicitness you're entitled to do that, despite would society would say (e.g. that you got what you deserved). A number of years ago I had cancer and underwent a harsh chemo regimen but this heartache has been worse than that time of my life ten fold. 

[JUSTME1]

Thanks all for the inputs. My mind is in constant turmoil trying to reconcile and understand every conversation , text and things we have done over 15 years from everything being amazing to becoming an instant stranger. Im totally unable to understand how things can change in certain peoples minds so quickly and id love a mind transplant for 10 minutes. Im slowly fathoming from what everything has said that its nothing to do with how i have behaved or anything i have said but maybe simply how certain people are wired but its hard to grasp that someone would of taken such a risk with their relationship for 15 years to build what i thought i had to still remain in their existing relationship and as misguided as i may appear i still know everything we had was real and think with different timing and none of the recent trauma we would of made it over the line.

The isolation from her and the secrecy as others have said is the total killer now as i have no one i can talk to who i can unravel 15 years of relationship to , nor who would understand everything thats gone on and i cant burden my parents. Im at a total loss mentally and cant function and think of anything but her replying everything which adds to the pain. Its a sad state but as much as i dont like work its the only thing keeping me half sane and offers some distraction as everything i see , hear  , think about is now a distant but very painful memory of what is now a stranger in my life.

 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, JUSTME1 said:

The isolation from her and the secrecy as others have said is the total killer now as i have no one i can talk to who i can unravel 15 years of relationship to , nor who would understand everything thats gone on and i cant burden my parents.

If you have the ability to find a therapist or counsellor, that would be a very wise thing to do.

[JUSTME1]

I will do some study over the weekend via Youtube in the hope i can get a better understanding and then try and seek a counsellor as i cant go on like this as it feels like im being eaten inside out and my soul ripped from my body and i feel so empty. Its hard to think that for all the 15 years ive just been someone who has merely been an instrument to feed an ego and can be disguarded so quickly and easily . How can i feel destroyed yet the and the same time  she can simply end this like we have known one another for 5 minutes and not have any pain ? The letter she sent was very abrupt and wanted no contact , albeit apologized later for the bluntness but the sentiment remained ie its over. During the month before she had even been buying things for the house to the point where my own spare bedroom is half full of stuff she had purchased...its just crazy.

I know what i need to do mentally but its like im frozen and cant let go to start that process.

Is there a worse feeling in life than this after committing and investing so much time , love and emotion and getting dis-guarded for no reason whatsoever and the not even knowing why ? Im a deep thinker anyway so my mind is going wild looking for any little text / conversation or event that may of caused this breakup but maybe there isnt a reason and if im afforded the opportunity to speak to her then im never going to know whatever she gives is the reason is the truth  anyway, i suppose not having any closure makes it so much worse and i guess how a lot of affairs finish ie no long chat like in couple relationships , or rows , failed counselling etc that happened over time as thing breakdown and the signs have been there for a while. I simply had to open a mail and my life changed without and dialogue about why.

thanks  again all....i need to try and heel myself slowly but i cant see any light in any tunnel yet and wont for a long time which is hard to face. Even not related things seem different now and my perception of life generally and just feel totally lost.

 

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, JUSTME1 said:

I will do some study over the weekend via Youtube

in the hope i can get a better understanding and then try and seek a counsellor as i cant go on like this as it feels like im being eaten inside out and my soul ripped from my body and i feel so empty. Its hard to think that for all the 15 years ive just been someone who has merely been an instrument to feed an ego and can be disguarded so quickly and easily . How can i feel destroyed yet the and the same time  she can simply end this like we have known one another for 5 minutes and not have any pain ? The letter she sent was very abrupt and wanted no contact , albeit apologized later for the bluntness but the sentiment remained ie its over. During the month before she had even been buying things for the house to the point where my own spare bedroom is half full of stuff she had purchased...its just crazy.

I know what i need to do mentally but its like im frozen and cant let go to start that process.

Is there a worse feeling in life than this after committing and investing so much time , love and emotion and getting dis-guarded for no reason whatsoever and the not even knowing why ? Im a deep thinker anyway so my mind is going wild looking for any little text / conversation or event that may of caused this breakup but maybe there isnt a reason and if im afforded the opportunity to speak to her then im never going to know whatever she gives is the reason is the truth  anyway, i suppose not having any closure makes it so much worse and i guess how a lot of affairs finish ie no long chat like in couple relationships , or rows , failed counselling etc that happened over time as thing breakdown and the signs have been there for a while. I simply had to open a mail and my life changed without and dialogue about why.

thanks  again all....i need to try and heel myself slowly but i cant see any light in any tunnel yet and wont for a long time which is hard to face. Even not related things seem different now and my perception of life generally and just feel totally lost.

 

Some of the best YouTube series are Dr Ramani Durvasula, she's a brilliant mind and will make everything start to make sense, Helen D'Arcy, a lovely Irish woman with amazing insight, and Dr Les Carter.  Helen D'Arcy also has an online support community. The turmoil you're experiencing is a normal response and it will be some time before your equilibrium returns, you can expect a bumpy emotional ride, the worst part of which is the anger you'll feel when you finally accept that you've been conned. When you get to that part, whatever you do, don't reach out to her, you'd just be feeding her ego. If she contacts you, re-engage at your peril. Here's the good news, when a narcissist picks you it's because you're a fine specimen of humanity, you're a genuinely nice guy, you're everything the narcissist wishes they could be. Another good bit of news is that you got out of it with your assets, many don't. I wish you peace and the strength to find your way through this. 

[KentuckyEsq]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

Some of the best YouTube series are Dr Ramani Durvasula, she's a brilliant mind and will make everything start to make sense, Helen D'Arcy, a lovely Irish woman with amazing insight, and Dr Les Carter.  Helen D'Arcy also has an online support community. The turmoil you're experiencing is a normal response and it will be some time before your equilibrium returns, you can expect a bumpy emotional ride, the worst part of which is the anger you'll feel when you finally accept that you've been conned. When you get to that part, whatever you do, don't reach out to her, you'd just be feeding her ego. If she contacts you, re-engage at your peril. Here's the good news, when a narcissist picks you it's because you're a fine specimen of humanity, you're a genuinely nice guy, you're everything the narcissist wishes they could be. Another good bit of news is that you got out of it with your assets, many don't. I wish you peace and the strength to find your way through this. 

Yes! I vacillate between anger and heartbreak. I've been tempted to reach out to her current spouse to share with him all of the texts and photos because I know she threw me under the bus. All that is to say, DON'T...like you say, it feeds their need for fuel/supply

[MsJayne]

4 minutes ago, KentuckyEsq said:

Yes! I vacillate between anger and heartbreak. I've been tempted to reach out to her current spouse to share with him all of the texts and photos because I know she threw me under the bus. All that is to say, DON'T...like you say, it feeds their need for fuel/supply

Yes, wanting to expose them is perfectly normal because it's enraging to know they're going around unscathed. It's enough to make you reach for the sick bucket. But take some comfort from the fact that they live in their own special Hell. Imagine going through life being so unhappy and full of self-loathing that you have to go around stealing the 'good' from other people. That's their punishment