SINGLE DISTRAUGHT MALE AFTER an AFFAIR .

[MsJayne]

I just realised I misnamed one of the YouTubers, it's Paula D'Arcy, not Helen, sorry  

[Nowherenear]

The question I have is, why would a man 41 years old compromise with staying for 15 years of his life with a woman who he can't have completely and has to see once in a while? Does this mean that you maybe liked the situation of living alone and having a fling somewhere to have your fun as well? Didn't you want kids? Didn't you want a woman in your bed, in your house, in your life every day? I don't really care that this was an affair rather than a single woman . I think you should try and understand why you made these choices in your life and what your needs truly were and are from now on. Maybe a therapist can help.

[JUSTME1]

You cant help who you fall in love with and yes i have had normal relationships before and lived with someone some years ago. Id rather have a relationship with who i deemed the person i fell in love with and not necessarily something that was easier or more convenient ie the person mattered more than situation.

Theres obviously some skilled and professional psychiatrists commenting on these posts and i welcome everyone's help and opinions in terms of helping my heeling and understanding of whats happened to me  and i started reading up and looking at Youtube last night  re narcissism  and the behaviors / traits of such people to try and rationale what ive been through and its quite easy to pigeon hole different  behavioral elements under one banner of narcissism and whilst i might not be able to recognize these as its too close to home i think my relationship was much more stable than the type of relationships associated with narcissists and it was only the last couple of months in 15 years where i saw a  slight change before the end of the relationship from the abrupt email.

Its hard to accept may of been a toy for 15 years and nothing more than that, especially when i look at the time , effort ,love , stability we had during all that time without an issue and i never had a single demand placed on me, so do think it was the stress and  changing dynamics in her life that caused an abrupt realization  she needed to change her life and maybe she knew it had to be hard stop no contact ending else we'd of both carried on and she'd of weakened her resolve...i just dont know but she has a massively demanding job ( CEO of 500 employee business) and is in the top 10 people in the country in her field and advises governments on policy , her husband has an immensely stressful job too so during the last 3 months where she had both parents seriously ill in two different hospitals requiring visits everyday with one being moved to 7 different hospitals in 2 months before passing away taking all her time then maybe i was simply the most expendable element of her life and reluctantly  she may of felt she had to end it reluctantly for her own sanity with all the stress...i just dont know. I could of meant everything or equally i could of meant nothing i will never know. Even the during the small changes i noticed in the last months there were plans been made by us both whether these were future faking from her part i dont know but shs was still buying things for the house she had planned to buy and had already spent thousands on legal fees for the house purchase , cashed her pension and changed her will  so all extreme things for it to of just been a game at my expense and something solely for her ego after 15 years ?  Would you bother playing a 15 year game that involved such a lot of effort , stress  and inconvenience  just to massage your own ego ? I know narcissists like risk and excitement but she took massive risks to see for my birthdays , over xmas  and even three overseas holidays together.

I will never know and whilst its irrelevant now i still cant help wanting to know whats happened and switch minds with her for an hr to understand what i meant / or didnt but know my priority must be my own recovery , albeit a closure would help.

Does anyone think it worthwhile writing and asking why she has done this  or would i get a bunch of lies ??/ 

 

 

[MsJayne]

29 minutes ago, JUSTME1 said:

Does anyone think it worthwhile writing and asking why she has done this  or would i get a bunch of lies ??/ 

Depends on how you'd feel if you got no response, or if you were met with a negative response. How would that make you feel? Would it help, or would it make it worse? What would you want her response to be, would you want her to reply and say she'll love you forever but it's an ill-fated union? As it stands now you're in confusion because nothing makes sense, you're experiencing cognitive dissonance.  How can someone invest so much time and energy, tell you how much they love you, make such grand promises, and then just switch it off?  Do you think she would feel sorry or guilty for doing this to you? Did she express those sentiments when she ended it? Her reasons, re; her parents illness and the death of one of them, don't make any sense because if she's wealthy she can easily afford to have someone care for the surviving parent, it's not like the illness or death of a parent has to change her life so radically.  I wouldn't put too much stock by her filling your spare bedroom with household items, if we both had the time I could tell you some bizarre stories about the lengths and expense I've known personality-disordered folks to go to in the name of upholding a fantasy, (if, of course, she is that personality type). I encountered one individual who was engaged to three different women at the same time, bought expensive rings for all of them on his credit card while he was living in a caravan, and had told them all that he was a high-flying banking exec when in fact he was bank teller, and he managed to keep this charade going for about four years. Out of interest, may I ask how much of her life away from you did you see first-hand, so that you knew everything she told you about herself was true? 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, JUSTME1 said:

You cant help who you fall in love with and yes i have had normal relationships before and lived with someone some years ago. Id rather have a relationship with who i deemed the person i fell in love with and not necessarily something that was easier or more convenient ie the person mattered more than situation.

No, you can’t help who you are attracted to or who you develop feelings for but you made the decision to be in a relationship. It is a decision to stay for 15 years.

It goes without saying - when you make a poor decision, you get a poor result. 

You are still struggling to understand and accept the fact that this was a poor decision. Choosing someone who is single and available vs. choosing to be in a relationship with someone who is married and unavailable is not a question of whether the situation is easy or difficult, convenient or not. That is what you tell yourself when you try to justify or explain what has proven to be a very poor decision. To say that it is a massive oversimplification is an understatement. 

On a very basic level, choosing to be in a relationship with someone who is married to another person is not simple or uncomplicated. The decision to be in a relationship with a married woman is never going to be easy or painless (given, that is exactly how it feels when one first engages in the affair and stays within the fantasy or the bubble of the secretive affair - that is not the reality of the situation). 

The fact that she is a powerful woman with many responsibilities and lots of stress may have led her to want an escape - a fantasy - from the demands of her daily life. It is in keeping with what Jayne is describing - what she has done speaks to some very narcissistic personality traits, add to the she had the means, motive, and opportunity to pursue a parallel relationship… 

Edited May 17 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

^^ That said, it was your decision to be in this relationship. And as with everything in life, there are consequences to every decision. One could say that this was a poor decision, the negative consequences that you are dealing with now are expected. But, if you feel that it was worth the pain, it was worth the time spent without the person that you love in your daily life and sleeping in your bed, that is your decision.

The sadness here is that you, like so many, stayed in this relationship believing that it was eventually going to pan out - that you would eventually be together in a legitimate and open relationship. That justified everything. And that’s the challenge - it is always the hope and seldom the result of an extramarital affair. It takes time to truly understand and accept that this could be true. 

[Sanch62]

3 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

...when i look at the time , effort ,love , stability we had during all that time without an issue

Didn't you say that there were continual issues over the 15-year span that prevented her from leaving her marriage? These may not have been issues you shared, although I don't know how you were happy with the stuff that kept her married the whole time, but these issues were her burden.

Quote

and i never had a single demand placed on me,

Other than continually waiting for her to jump ship and legitimize your relationship. That was weight on her, too. Maybe a need to spring on you yet one more ditch of her efforts to leave her husband became more weight than she could carry.

3 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

Does anyone think it worthwhile writing and asking why she has done this  or would i get a bunch of lies ??/ 

I would not. If she were willing to explain herself, she would have. If she ever decides she wants to contact you to speak of it, she will. Otherwise, it makes no sense to kick a dead horse.

For my own closure, I would assume that her husband found out about her affair, or something else prompted a recognition that she wasn't fully as positioned to leave him as she may have believed. After15 years of explaining such delays to you, she opted to call it done.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/15/2025 at 6:22 PM, JUSTME1 said:

Just to add against the earlier comment about not being able to buy a house in full without her husbands knowledge.

You completely misunderstood what I meant, but doing so tells me that you're still not thinking realistically snce you are missing the more obvious problem with this grand fantasy. 

I was not speaking about the financial aspects, but the practical ones. I was not referring to her financial ability to buy her own house. I was referring to it being very unlikely to have kept the entire thing a secret. There's too much back-and-forth with various third parties when purchasing a home. Phone calls and appointments and various things to approve and sign. There was way too much risk of discovery there. I think you both had your head in the clouds believing absolutely none of that be inadvertently leaked and exposed to her husband. 

23 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

During the month before she had even been buying things for the house to the point where my own spare bedroom is half full of stuff she had purchased...its just crazy.

For the house....that hadn't even been purchased? The hypotherical, potential house? Do you see what I mean about feeding the fantasy? There was no house to buy things for, unless I am missing something. 

That's the crazy part. Some serious escapism going on with this woman and hefty doses of denial from you both. 

 

[JUSTME1]

She had looked at approx 20 ish houses over the last 6 months and i had viewed 6 with her jointly culminating in offers actually being made  on two. One of the offers was accepted but the chain broke after one month when the selling partys house purchase fell through. I saw her proof of funds ( as is required by the banks upon offer).

This is one of the strange sliding door moments ie if the house would of gone through rightly or wrongly theyd of been no turning back and 100% it was her intention to go through with the purchase. She is now at home in her relationship still with a changed will and a large sum of money in her own account without any knowledge of her partner from cashing 25% of her pension.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

This is one of the strange sliding door moments ie if the house would of gone through rightly or wrongly theyd of been no turning back

She would have always had the opportunity to turn back. As I said above, there was someone on this board who bought a home, moved in with his affair partner, got a dog - and he still went back to his marriage. 

Given, she went far down the road making this fantasy appear that it may become reality… but, at the end of the day, it didn’t happen and you need to stop the hopium of “if only, her parent hadn’t become sick. If only, the house sale had gone through…”

My friend, the possibility that she would have untangled from her marriage to live happily ever after with you was always slim to none. Affairs work in large part because of the fantasy - in the light of day, reality sets in and most relationships that begin as affairs fail. 

This woman lied and deceived two men. Ignore that fact at your own peril. She was always only pursing her own best interest… you just didn’t notice that fact because you thought your best interest aligned with her best interest - until suddenly it didn’t.

Edited May 17 by BaileyB

[Sanch62]

9 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

She is now at home in her relationship still with a changed will and a large sum of money in her own account without any knowledge of her partner from cashing 25% of her pension.

You don't know about the accuracy of any of this being without her husband's knowledge any longer. Something about any of these transactions may have alerted him to any part of this deception, and a confrontation may have prompted ex's exit.

If you're going to play the "what if" game, it might be helpful to factor in some very real possibilities about husband being less stupid than you've assumed. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

I saw her proof of funds

So? That was not the point I was making. I very clearly said it's not just about the funding. 

11 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

She is now at home in her relationship still with a changed will and a large sum of money in her own account without any knowledge of her partner

You have no clue if this is true. You aren't behind closed doors with him and would be wise to realize your assumptions may not be accurate. Maybe he found out and that's why she suddently cut this off with you. You are not as fully-informed as think you are. WIthout knowing him and talking to him, there is no way you could  be. 

11 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

100% it was her intention to go through with the purchase

But...she didn't do it. Intention means little when the actions don't back it up. She was still buying stuff for imaginary house that she didn't have. That is next-level loony. 

I think part of the reason this has gone on for 15 years is because you also live in a lot of denial. The chances of this plan having come to fruition the way you two fantasized about were always slim. You don't see it yet, but in time, you will. You're very deep in the fog at present but Happily Ever After with this woman, who is a long-standing liar and cheat, were mostly a pipe-dream. 

Even if she had actually left her husband and bought a house and you two finally had a real relationship, it would be naive to think it would be without serious issues. She has shown you for years that she is unethical, self-serving, and dishonest. Please don't make the mistake of assuming that would only have affected her husband. There is something wrong with a woman who can keep an affair going this long and behave the way she has behind her husband's back. Red flags all over her, man.  It was downright to foolish to ignore them. 

 

 

[Will am I]

On 5/17/2025 at 8:06 PM, JUSTME1 said:

She had looked at approx 20 ish houses over the last 6 months (...)

I know this is hard to swallow but the behavior on her side seems erratic to me.

There are a few posts in this topic about the house search. It seems she was looking to buy a place to go to when she would leave her marriage. Since you're also involved in the home search, there's the suggestion that this home would potentially become your home as a new couple.

 

I read she's been looking at a large number houses. Of course, looking is the start of any real estate transaction. So these moments could be the real deal from someone who was genuinely interested in buying. But it could also be her acting out a fantasy of leaving the marriage without making any real steps. That kind of behavior is unfortunately consistent with extramarital affairs. There's always a strong component of "the future that could be". Which is essentially a shared fantasy until the two affair partners would do the the actual work to build that future.

 

Then I read she was actually bidding on some properties. This is what I call erratic. Because the moment you go down that path, there will be lots of phone calls, e-mails and eventually paper mail coming in from real estate agents, mortgage agents and banks. IT would be practically impossible to hide from a spouse. So instead of talking to her husband and bringing the D-word on the table, she chooses to engage in hehavior that's likely to cause her husband to find out about her plans. There's a sense of ambivalence, like she wants out of the marriage but then she doesn't want to make that move so she's hoping for her husband to snap and make the first move in dissolving the marriage?

 

The ambivalence should worry you. Because this was never a full hearted decision to be with you.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Will am I said:

Because the moment you go down that path, there will be lots of phone calls, e-mails and eventually paper mail coming in from real estate agents, mortgage agents and banks. IT would be practically impossible to hide from a spouse.

Yes, this was my point too. To believe all of this could have happened without her husband ever cluing in is being willfully naive. 

 

[JUSTME1]

re the above last two comments , at work she has totally autonomy and all the correspondence from banks and estate agents was conducted in work hrs from her office and house viewing within the working day. I know 100% the funds she had released and changes to her will etc so whilst there may of been problems ahead and a messy separation for her the intent to buy a house was real because i had actually seen some of the paperwork from an offer that was accepted on one that fell down due to the chain involved and this had already cost £000's in legal fees and conveyance fees etc.The situation remains as it though regardless.

[BaileyB]

Even if she was the most deceptive and cunning woman who could purchase a home without the knowledge and consent of her husband…

She is still the most deceptive and cunning woman… do you see what I’m saying? This is a massive betrayal - why would you choose to be with someone who would plan and execute such a massive betrayal?? A betrayal of the man with whom she has promised to be a trusted life partner.

You continue to post - defending her ability to deceptively betray her spouse. “Oh no, should could do it! Believe me - for all these reasons, she has the ability to deceive and betray the trust of her spouse in this way…” Do you not see this for the HUGE red flag that it is??

Edited May 19 by BaileyB

[Whaatamidoing]

This is sad to read, in many ways. Pretty much everyone reading this has been there on some level. You do need to educate yourself on people, how they deceive and even if she isn't clinically a narcissist she is showing a lot of signs in her behaviour, maybe Google how many CEO's display this type of behaviour. Seeing someone two or three times a week means you didn't know her. Experience tells me you can see someone 45 hours a week and still not really know them, coverts are the most difficult because they are coverts. 

Please don't look or hope for closure, you reaching out and looking for it is something that she is hoping for if everyone else above is correct. The confusion you feel from it being so intense to nothing, is also something she is hoping for, so you question your reality.

If she is, she will reach out to you, not sure when or how but she will, she will want to see the effects her silence has had on you. Its will be like feeding time for her.

It is so so hard when you have invested so much time into something, you remind me so much of me, your innocence, the idea that if you treat someone with love and respect then they should do the same. That if you cannot fathom treating someone that way, then how could she? I refer you back to educating yourself on people and deception.

Part of me feels you are lucky to only have experienced this at your age, you have had many years without expecting the worse in everyone.

I am also an over thinker and many years and counselling in, my mind still wonders back to what I could have done differently, rational brain tells me NOTHING and emotional brain tells me I could have loved hard. Honestly, its not you, the 15 year thing was a convenience and I wouldn't look into it to hard if you don't want to discover others like you who she was also playing the game with, there are 7 days in a week, you were only taking up 2 or 3.

Knowing what I know now, I would close the door and move on if you can. Easier said than done but a lot less hurtful in the long run. 

[Will am I]

I need to agree with BaileyB above. 

The correct behaviour when someone is tired of their marriage is for them to end the marriage first and only start seeking out new partners after the divorce is finalized and they had sufficient time to heal.

Now you met during her marriage, which isn't the ideal situation. But even from that situation there are ways to move forward. if your AP were committed to the objective of starting a new relatonship with you, she would have still ended the marriage first. The way she has been navigating the situation do not show any real commitment to anyone.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

The way she has been navigating the situation do not show any real commitment to anyone.

It shows a commitment to herself, and herself alone.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/19/2025 at 2:30 PM, BaileyB said:

You continue to post - defending her ability to deceptively betray her spouse.

It boggles the mind. 

There is something seriously wrong with this woman, OP. 15 years of lies and cheating, the extent she would go to in betraying her husband...I am astonished you don't seem to register how 

I am also concerned that you don't seem to consider how much she has probably lied to you over the years. According to you, she has managed to hide something as huge as (almost) buying a house from the man she spends every day with. Imagine what she has hidden from you, who's a lot easier to deceieve since you are not around her all the time. 

Or do you really believe she just couldn't bear to do that to you? I am going to venture that, yes, you do think that somehow she is not this deeply problematic person when she is with you. You have convinced yourself to stick around for 15 years, after all. Most would have had enough of this long before now. Something kept you stuck and I am going to guess it's as much the stories she tells you as it is the stories you tell yourself about this woman. 

[Will am I]

17 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

15 years of lies and cheating, the extent she would go to in betraying her husband

An old Dr. Phil quote springs to mind:

"If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you".

[JUSTME1]

Ive spent the whole weekend reading various threads on this forum and its definitely opened my mind to other persons agendas / behavioral  motivations but its still so hard to understand what after 15 years has been a lie and what is the truth . After all why would someone carry on with an affair for 15 years if there really wasnt some special connection ? especially when the distance between us was 100 miles yet we both made the effort to see one another every 2-3 week for all this time and would both use so much of our holiday entitlement seeing one another as much as we could which was obviously easier for me..

I dont know now what i was blind to or what was real as i cant help look back at everything retrospectively ( inevitable i guess). The lady in question has a masters degree in Psychology so im sure was able to know how to pull all the triggers , albeit in most situations where people on here  have mentioned mirroring , triangulation , future faking etc as tools to portray any given image to suit their agenda i still think what we had was genuine , albeit when its comes to the crunch she couldnt make the jump and leave her partner and maybe she realized  difficulties we'd have even if we did embark on a life together.

Theres some detail i wont share on here regarding the certain aspects that people have disputed ie her being able to purchase a house etc without her partner knowing etc but i can assure you this was indeed the case as are other aspects that may seem unlikely but i know categorically took place.

 

None of the above helps and im as sad as i was at the point of my first post i just dont know whether im really sad about something that was real and indeed real love ( accepting the deceit from her with her partner) or whether i have been naive in believing her intentions for us however difficult  all these year. We just seemed so consistent , relaxed and aligned together and i cant think ive not seen much of her true self over these years in terms of her genuine love towards me.

 

  

 

 

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, JUSTME1 said:

The lady in question has a masters degree in Psychology so im sure was able to know how to pull all the triggers , albeit in most situations where people on here  have mentioned mirroring , triangulation , future faking etc as tools to portray any given image to suit their agenda i still think what we had was genuine , albeit when its comes to the crunch she couldnt make the jump and leave her partner and maybe she realized  difficulties we'd have even if we did embark on a life together.

It's not necessary to believe that the woman wasn't at least emotionally sincere in her feelings for you. Not every deception is conscious, even to the deceiver.

I think people have just been trying to point out that anyone who owns a 15-year capacity to betray someone as close as a spouse also owns the same capacity to deceive anyone else at any given time. It may come as easily to them as breathing, so they may not even think of themselves as being devious or trying to inflict harm. It's all about getting their own needs met, regardless of who else is ultimately harmed in the process. Not all of those needs must be conscious to effectively drive their behaviors.

That said, it might be helpful in your focus on healing to put a check on whether any of the misery you feel has become a habitual default. If so, you may want to challenge that to avoid losing the best aspects of yourself. Some people adopt a grieving disposition as an all day and every day habit that makes it harder to find any joy outside of their grief, rather than visiting with their grief at certain times, but putting it on a back burner while they move their focus onto building a desirable future. Or even having some better days.

Holding onto pain is not the same thing as holding onto memories or holding onto hope. Your ability to bounce back from pain does not reflect on the depth of your love for another. It's just a choice to adopt resilience.

[JUSTME1]

im just finding it so hard to get beyond the pain, disappointment and hurt. Not only have 15 years passed albeit we had amazing times together  which if the love was genuine i have no regret of but the future i hoped and for us has just been ripped away ripped . Im a deep thinker and cant help replaying every good memory and every conversation trying to think could there of been a different ending in an alternative sliding door moment but then i think if there was something wrong then she'd of said rather than seemingly just bottling it , if indeed she was ever going to make a go of it with me.

 

i really dont know what to do with myself and as much as ive not been able to focus work has been a welcome distraction as the minute i stop and think or wake up in the morning i have that awful feeling in my gut as my heart sinks. I know i have to try and be positive so thats a start but im finding it very hard and dont know whether to feel angry its over  as it good of potentially been amazing or as some will state had a lucky escape but mentally i cant see that as i maybe have rose tints on still.

 

Before the 15 years id of said maybe people dont leave their partners  for affairs but if someone had said they saw someone for 15 years id say wow that was serious but then others would say it cant be serious else something would of happened sooner so both a contradiction. I guess most affairs last 6-12 months ????

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, JUSTME1 said:

I guess most affairs last 6-12 months ????

I think it would be an oversimplification to try and out any kind of timeline on an extramarital affair. 

The prevailing wisdom is that if someone is truly unhappy in their marriage and serious about their affair partner, they tend to make the move and end their marriage to be with their affair partner sooner than later.

I think after 15 years, it’s time to get honest with yourself and accept that it’s not going to happen the way you had hoped. If she hasn’t made the decision to make a change, it’s because she has things set up exactly the way that she wants it…

You are very hung up on the length of the affair, and I can understand why - that’s a long time to be in a relationship with anyone. But, I would urge you to challenge the thought when it comes to you. The fact that this affair lasted for 15 years does not demonstrate how serious or committed she was to your relationship… It proves that she is a very skilled liar, capable of deceiving not one but two men for a very long time…

Edited May 28 by BaileyB