do you stay in a relationship if one is not sure about love?

[maddieloo]

My partner (42M) and myself (44F) have been together almost two years. We never really had a dating period. We are from different cultures and he told me that in France there is no dating, that a relationship is assumed to be exclusive after a few dates and a kiss (please confirm if anyone can knows first hand), so we didn't get to know each other well first. We had been exchanging messages for a few months and I liked him, so I was okay with being exclusive. At first he really rushed things. Everything from sex to asking me to meet his daughter. He was wanting me to meet all of his friends and told me that he was really excited about me. I said I wanted to know him longer first before meeting his daughter (she is 18). I have never dated anyone with kids and have none myself, and I did not want to date anyone that had drama with their ex etc. I made this clear before we met and he told me they were amicable and there was none. We had also discussed topics like marriage etc which he was not sure on but did say he wanted a life partner and that it was an option if his partner really wanted it.

Two months in, we were at my families Christmas and his child went to the hospital because she had taken a few pills and the school was worried about her mental health/suicide safety. We live long distance and I offered to pay for the uber to get there since it was a 2 hour trip and I wasn't comfortable attending. He showed his dissatisfaction and my people pleasing self drove him all the way and sat in the hospital parking lot while him and the mother fought in the hospital and we found out she was fine but was upset her boyfriend broke up with her. I was not happy with myself for missing my family Christmas and at this point I didn't feel like I knew what I was getting into. That was when I found out there was a lot of drama and that they did not get along at all. Apparently these types of things were a common occurrence. It was a lot for me and I wasn't sure I wanted to commit to a relationship that had these issues. I panicked and broke up with him after this. I then regretted it and apologized profusely and he said he would see a counsellor to deal with some of the issues that were going on since it was really affecting him. There are some drug/alcohol issues as well with the teen. He never did see a counsellor and similar issues kept arising and he kept asking me to support. When I did give advice he would say I don't have children so I don't understand, but then be unhappy if I didn't want to participate.

Since we are long distance he only sees me a few days a month. He didn't want me going to his place since his child was uncomfortable with him having a girlfriend and similar issues like this (it would take too many words to explain all of the issues), but he was only coming to see me every 4-6 weeks. He missed my birthday as well (which I moved to accommodate the days off with his kid twice) since they were having more issues at home. I felt like he wasn't listening or doing the things he said he promised and I broke up with him and have been ambivalent about the relationship as a result. I told him I wanted to get to know his daughter better at this point so that I would know if we got along etc. since he told me she made his last relationship difficult.

He did finally agree after these arguments to let me know her a bit more and come to his home to see him. He said he forgave the fights we had before and wanted to continue in the relationship. I felt better once I got to know her a little and felt I could finally commit to the relationship. I was hot and cold and wanted to take it slower. In the beginning he asked me about moving in together and was talking about things way into the future. I told him that I didn't want to rush things and to me living together should be taken as seriously as being married as we both have assets, homes etc. He said that he felt I shot him down and I explained it was just too soon (two months into a relationship).

After getting to know his 18 year old a bit better and things seemed to settle down there, things were smooth for about 6 months and I was feeling more comfortable with things. I have to resign my mortgage soon. I was thinking of selling and I thought, well since we are long distance I would make the move for the better of the relationship to be closer to where he is. Since he had asked many times (even a few weeks ago), I thought he would be excited about this. I have other reasons for wanting to move as well, not just him. When I told him, his response was "well that is a lot of pressure for me..."

I was very upset and said this is what you have been pushing for since we met. He said that he was really in love with me in the beginning and I broke it when I had cold feet and broke up with him those times. He said he put up walls to protect himself and is not sure if he is in love. He also told me he wasn't too serious about the stuff he said about moving in etc, and that is a lie. If it was a joke then he was lying before. This was something that came up many times for him. Basically he is acting like everything that happened in the beginning didn't happen, right down to him pressuring me to meet his daughter.

I asked why he continued in a relationship for 6 more months if he was not in love. He said that he feels happy when he is with me, he is happy in the relationship, he is very attracted to me, he feels more comfortable having sex with me than anyone before, he misses me when I am gone, cares very much about me, feels very connected to me and I am his best friend. I am confused because to me that is love. He said it is different for everyone and in France they do not say that easily. If anyone knows that, please chime in. Well he has said it to me many times... he also said he is worried if we break up it will be a mistake and he thinks the relationship has potential. He also doesn't want us to see other people or be friends with benefits etc., just dating him is off the table.

He also told me that he wants a long term relationship (common law etc) but has fears about marriage because of his parents relationship. In Canada where we are, common law is essentially the same. He still wants to continue a relationship with me and even move in together but says he needs to take his time to let his walls down again and see if it is love. I don't know how I feel about this, since I think we should know how we feel about each other by now. I also think feelings ebb and flow, but you should probably have a good idea of how you feel in general. I told him we need to go and think about this. I really don't like how he pushed in the beginning and now is acting like it never happened and he is the one that wants to take it slow. I feel like this is a deception, it feels disingenuous to me but I also feel like he is justified in feeling unsure about the relationship as I was unsure in the beginning. When we are together we have an amazing time, he is very caring and good to me except for this. He always wants to know what I am up to, how I am, what I am doing. He seems genuinely interested in me and takes good care of me when we are together. It seems like we only fight when we are apart and I am upset and overthinking the long distance, but him saying he doesn't know if it is love is really a shock to me. Is this a guy with commitment issues or just someone that doesn't love me? Am I right for feeling so deceived? I was very difficult and I did hurt him a lot when we broke up those times, so maybe it was my fault and I just need to lie in the bed I made. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not continue the relationship. 

Too much drama and uncertainty, and it is very clear you are no longer on the same page. This would be my cue that relationship is simply no longer viable. For what it's worth, I think you correctly identified red flags early on  - but you should have stayed broken up. This is not the right man for you and your gut has been trying to tell you this for a while. 

[ShyViolet]

Why on earth would you even consider staying with someone who is telling you they don't know if they love you?  This sounds like a bad relationship that has run its course.  You absolutely should not make any life changes like moving for this guy.  This relationship sounds like it needs to end.

[Sanch62]

The problem with people who rush a relationship in the beginning is that they are fickle and their spark dies quickly--whether they get what they wanted, or not. 

Instant love means infatuation with an illusion 'about' someone rather than intimate knowledge and love for who they really are. Once reality pops that fantasy bubble, they are self-righteously victimized and disappointed.

I'd skip this guy. He may have believed that he was sincere, but he has since proven that he's full of bunk. Don't you deserve better?

[MsJayne]

 

On 5/8/2025 at 6:00 AM, maddieloo said:

He said he forgave the fights we had before and wanted to continue in the relationship.

How magnanimous of him to forgive you for the fights that his self-absorption caused. If you look at the relationships a person has with their previous partners and their children it will tell you a lot about the person. I think the incident that happened over Christmas is very telling, he's got a daughter self-harming for attention at one of the most important times for family gatherings, an ex-spouse who he obviously doesn't have an amicable relationship with, and his new partner sitting in the car park pandering to his selfishness. The situation you're in right now is him punishing you for not letting him dictate the terms and progress of your relationship, you scuppered his plans with your cautious and sensible approach, and now you must pay. He sounds extremely manipulative, and I think you made the right call about ending it after the Christmas scene. As for his ridiculous statements about love being different in France, (really? That must be why Paris is known as 'The City Of Love" 🙄), and using his parents marriage as an excuse for his attitudes, I'm surprised you haven't choked on all the bulls**t he's feeding you. 

On 5/8/2025 at 6:00 AM, maddieloo said:

He still wants to continue a relationship with me and even move in together but says he needs to take his time to let his walls down again and see if it is love.

It's just all about him, him, him. My advice is to give him a few bricks to help keep his walls up because the only person who he loves is himself. He's emotionally abusive, and there's no prizes for guessing why his daughter has mental health problems. 

[Acacia98]

On 5/7/2025 at 11:00 PM, maddieloo said:

At first he really rushed things. Everything from sex to asking me to meet his daughter. He was wanting me to meet all of his friends and told me that he was really excited about me. I said I wanted to know him longer first before meeting his daughter (she is 18). I have never dated anyone with kids and have none myself, and I did not want to date anyone that had drama with their ex etc. I made this clear before we met and he told me they were amicable and there was none.

(...)

Two months in, we were at my families Christmas and his child went to the hospital because she had taken a few pills and the school was worried about her mental health/suicide safety. We live long distance and I offered to pay for the uber to get there since it was a 2 hour trip and I wasn't comfortable attending. He showed his dissatisfaction and my people pleasing self drove him all the way and sat in the hospital parking lot while him and the mother fought in the hospital and we found out she was fine but was upset her boyfriend broke up with her. I was not happy with myself for missing my family Christmas and at this point I didn't feel like I knew what I was getting into. That was when I found out there was a lot of drama and that they did not get along at all.

(...)

He never did see a counsellor and similar issues kept arising and he kept asking me to support. When I did give advice he would say I don't have children so I don't understand, but then be unhappy if I didn't want to participate.

Since we are long distance he only sees me a few days a month. He didn't want me going to his place since his child was uncomfortable with him having a girlfriend and similar issues like this (it would take too many words to explain all of the issues), but he was only coming to see me every 4-6 weeks.

 (...)

In the beginning he asked me about moving in together and was talking about things way into the future. I told him that I didn't want to rush things and to me living together should be taken as seriously as being married as we both have assets, homes etc. He said that he felt I shot him down and I explained it was just too soon (two months into a relationship).

(...)

I have to resign my mortgage soon. I was thinking of selling and I thought, well since we are long distance I would make the move for the better of the relationship to be closer to where he is. Since he had asked many times (even a few weeks ago), I thought he would be excited about this. I have other reasons for wanting to move as well, not just him. When I told him, his response was "well that is a lot of pressure for me..."

I was very upset and said this is what you have been pushing for since we met. He said that he was really in love with me in the beginning and I broke it when I had cold feet and broke up with him those times. He said he put up walls to protect himself and is not sure if he is in love. He also told me he wasn't too serious about the stuff he said about moving in etc, and that is a lie. If it was a joke then he was lying before. This was something that came up many times for him. Basically he is acting like everything that happened in the beginning didn't happen, right down to him pressuring me to meet his daughter.

He said it is different andfor everyone and in France they do not say that easily. If anyone knows that, please chime in. Well he has said it to me many times... he also said he is worried if we break up it will be a mistake and he thinks the relationship has potential. He also doesn't want us to see other people or be friends with benefits etc., just dating him is off the table.

I found it rather exhausting reading about this guy and his unrealistic expectations and timeline and how he keeps going on about what they do in France. So OP, why are you okay being with a guy who is all over the place about what he wants, lies about basic things, and seems to lack common sense about how to parent?

I feel like you should have dumped this guy permanently a long time ago.

Don't you get tired of being told about what obtains in France every time he wants to justify something that doesn't make sense to you? He may very well be French, but you are not French and the two of you are not living in France. So why should what he claims to be the French way be the default for everything you do? Why don't you feel your upbringing and experiences are just as important as his and, therefore, should also shape the course of your relationship? If you really had to date this guy, you should have insisted on doing things the way they were generally done in your country or Canada because, quite frankly, your suggestions make way more sense to me than his "French" way.

My sense is that, at the very beginning of your relationship, when you had concerns that he was rushing things, you were right. You were right to worry about meeting the kid too soon. You were right to be concerned about ex drama. You were right about moving in together soon being a bad idea. Goodness knows what else you were right about (I'm sure there are details you've left out of the post). The fact that he was wrong about these issues and even lied about some of them shows you that this man has not learned whatever lessons he needs to learn in order to make better choices about his life and be a better parent. Mind you, he doesn't seem to be interested in learning the lessons and making better choices. Even his love for his daughter (I mean, surely he loves her?) has not motivated him to take that direction. So why are you so optimistic about this relationship that you would consider moving closer to him? It's also worth asking yourself why you were not confident enough to stand firm in your decision not to rush things. And why didn't he stay dumped once you dumped him?

Look, I don't think this man is given to much self-reflection. He certainly isn't self-aware. And he doesn't seem to understand what a healthy relationship looks like let alone how to build and sustain one. You are wasting your time with him. If you continue this relationship, you will eventually feel bitter about it and have many more regrets than you already do. You're best off dumping him. If you must be in a relationship, aim to be in a relationship with someone who is at the same level of emotional development as you and wants to be better.

[stillafool]

On 5/7/2025 at 4:00 PM, maddieloo said:

I did not want to date anyone that had drama with their ex etc. I made this clear before we met and he told me they were amicable and there was none.

 

On 5/7/2025 at 4:00 PM, maddieloo said:

That was when I found out there was a lot of drama and that they did not get along at all.

When  this happened you should have followed your first mind and stayed broken up.  He lied to you.  He also sounds wishy washy and someone you can't trust.  He is not going to change and be what you want him to be.

[maddieloo]

Thank you for all of the replies, it has helped me a lot to stay tough. I really haven't been sure if I was the one that created the issues here. I was tough yesterday and basically told him I don't see why I would continue in a relationship where not only was he unsure if he loved me, especially since he had said it many times. The part that is so crazy to me is that he pushed it all in the first place, had me meet his family, friends, talked about moving in together and even said he was SO in love with me until I broke up with him so it was my fault he put walls up and since we have had a few breakups. I can understand when people have a change of heart but he is acting like this never happened...and it did!! These are only some of the details as well. The bizarre thing is that I had offered a casual relationship a few times since he didn't seem to want to commit to anything and he has said no, that it has to be a committed, exclusive relationship which I don't understand. His reply to me last night was:

"I think it is too bad that you don't want to give me more time... it is unfortunate that you have put me on the spot so much lately... love is different for everyone and is built through time. I don't really believe in love at first sight. It can happen but it is rare. Real love takes time and is built through life experience and hardship. I understand you can't take the long distance thing and unfortunately we don't see each other often. As you said you feel you deserve better and don't have time to waste. Maybe one day we will reconnect." I did reply and tell him I felt that this was gaslighting and it went back and forth a little more and I told him that he has told me many times he loved me.

Two years? Really? I am lost for words at this point. I am not sure if I should just tell him off or be the bigger person and he can be the one with regrets instead of giving him another reason to blame me for being the problem...

[flitzanu]

the simple answer is that he's saying he doesn't know if he even likes you enough, and doesn't love you.

 

that should be plenty for you to know you should leave this guy and find someone who wants to be with you.

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, maddieloo said:

Two years? Really? I am lost for words at this point. I am not sure if I should just tell him off or be the bigger person and he can be the one with regrets instead of giving him another reason to blame me for being the problem...

I'm glad to hear you made the smart call, well done. No point telling him what you think, it would go in one ear and out the other, and then he'd do a bit more gas-lighting. Best way to deal with him would be to block him so he can't weasel and fake his way back in. Stay strong  . 

[Sanch62]

Why bother telling off someone who doesn't hear you in the first place?

Save your energy and redirect it toward the kind of future you want to build.

[Acacia98]

On 5/9/2025 at 7:56 PM, maddieloo said:

Thank you for all of the replies, it has helped me a lot to stay tough. I really haven't been sure if I was the one that created the issues here.

(...)

Two years? Really? I am lost for words at this point. I am not sure if I should just tell him off or be the bigger person and he can be the one with regrets instead of giving him another reason to blame me for being the problem...

You're welcome,  maddieloo. You definitely are not fabricating issues. You've done well to end things. His words don't really mean anything. He just wants to keep you arguing so that you continue engaging with him and ultimately reconcile with him. So the best thing to do would be to ignore him.

It would be perfectly reasonable for you to choose to block him.

Edited Saturday at 05:42 PM by Acacia98