Male coworker keep mentioning his wife out of the blue

[strawburrry]

 

Does anyone have any insight on why my married male coworker would start talking about his wife consistently? 

For context, this coworker and I have know each other for almost 2 years now. We started out as coworkers who would mostly say hi in passing, and have small chats about the weather etc.  I developed a crush on him and our conversations always seemed to have a flirtatious nature to them. We talked about a lot of stuff but he never once mentioned that he was married. 

 

Over the last 6 months or so, we’ve started talking a lot more. This is mostly due to us sharing the same shift at the moment. Most weeks, we walk in and out of work together and talk about a lot of random, yet very casual and platonic things. Some days,  he’ll vent to me about frustration with his coworkers/issues at work, and he’s started randomly telling me about a few health problems, issues with his house etc. I’m mentioning this to highlight how  innocent and basic our chats are.

 

The point of this post is the fact that he keeps mentioning his wife. Now I have nothing against this at all and I absolutely expect married people to talk about their spouses often, but what strikes me as odd is that he went from nearly omitting the fact that he was married at all (he even went as far as HIDING behind her when we saw each other  in public one day, which was very unusual and never discussed) to mentioning her constantly. The part about this that really annoys me is that it’s NEVER in context with what we’re talking about at the time. It’s never something that flows into the conversation naturally. We could be talking about a movie and he’ll tell me what his wife is doing on her day off or tells me about her seasonal allergies. I know so many random things about her that I feel like I know her this point lol. It’s almost though he’s doing it intentionally, to name drop his wife, who he always refers to as “the wife” or “the missus”  I have no idea what her name is, but now I know she allergic to pollen..?

 

I initially thought he was saying it because he thought I was flirting with him, and now I go out of my way to make sure that I’m not. I’m not interested in being the “other woman” or anything like that and have since lost interest in him, but we still talk at work a lot. I think we’ve established a good rapport, we share a lot of laughs and have become work buddies imo, but I don’t flirt with him or give any indication that I’m pursuing him as more than that. 

It’s bothering me mostly because it’s making me feel like he’s “reminding” me that he’s married, hence rejecting me in a sense. It’s a blow to my ego to feel rejected by a dude I don’t even want. I’d like to remain friends with this guy, but I don’t want him to have the impression that it’s anything more than platonic and the constant mentions of her are getting kind of weird at this point  

 

Sorry for all the ramblings, but it’s been bothering me a bit and I thought some background information would help. Any idea on the purpose of bringing  his wife into conversations so out of context?

Edited May 5 by strawburrry

[basil67]

The obvious conclusion for me is that he adores her.  He thinks about her a lot and says what he's thinking out loud.

[strawburrry]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The obvious conclusion for me is that he adores her.  He thinks about her a lot and says what he's thinking out loud.

I’d think that too, but he never felt the need to mention her at all before, and now it’s suddenly constant and so unusually forced. He’s never mentioned her in an adoring way, it’s always just random stuff about her. 

[Acacia98]

Maybe he feels attracted to you, and mentioning his wife repeatedly is a way of setting boundaries to protect his relationship. 

If his actions make you uncomfortable, keep things strictly professional. There's no need to have friendly chats, even if it's clear they're platonic.

[strawburrry]

36 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Maybe he feels attracted to you, and mentioning his wife repeatedly is a way of setting boundaries to protect his relationship. 

If his actions make you uncomfortable, keep things strictly professional. There's no need to have friendly chats, even if it's clear they're platonic.

That’s the part that is bothering me because I’ve considered this as well. He doesn’t need to protect his relationship because I’m not trying to interfere with it. If he needs to set boundaries for himself, then that’s that, but I personally don’t need the reminders and find them almost insulting. Aside from that, I  enjoy his personality and it’s not making me uncomfortable, I just question his urge to mention her when we’re talking about the weather or something else that’s casual and platonic. I appreciate your feedback, thank you!!

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, strawburrry said:

...He doesn’t need to protect his relationship because I’m not trying to interfere with it. If he needs to set boundaries for himself, then that’s that, but I personally don’t need the reminders and find them almost insulting.

No need to be insulted if you consider the reminders as checking himself, not you.

[Mrin]

2 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

No need to be insulted if you consider the reminders as checking himself, not you.

This is it. 💯. It isn't about you OP and how you are conducting yourself. It is about him checking himself. Inviting his wife figuratively into the conversation. 

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, strawburrry said:

That’s the part that is bothering me because I’ve considered this as well. He doesn’t need to protect his relationship because I’m not trying to interfere with it. If he needs to set boundaries for himself, then that’s that, but I personally don’t need the reminders and find them almost insulting. Aside from that, I  enjoy his personality and it’s not making me uncomfortable, I just question his urge to mention her when we’re talking about the weather or something else that’s casual and platonic. I appreciate your feedback, thank you!!

I think it is about reminding himself. But I also think at some level, he may think you're interested in him. It probably makes him feel good about himself. So if that's true, he's likely to hang on to the idea as a way of boosting his ego. You shouldn't be insulted about it because it says nothing about you and a lot about him.

[MsJayne]

It's possible he thinks you're attracted to him. Some people misinterpret friendliness as romantic interest, particularly if you're a person who's naturally pre-disposed to warmth towards other people. On the other hand, he may consider you as someone he'd be friends with outside of work and so he's just telling you the ins and outs of his life and you're misreading it as some sort of hidden message. He's a nice guy who loves his wife and talks about her because she's part of who he is. It's meaningless unless he's intending to hit on you at some stage and priming you so that you'd have no big expectations. 

[strawburrry]

8 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

No need to be insulted if you consider the reminders as checking himself, not you.

Very true, I should keep this in mind. Thank you. 

[strawburrry]

5 hours ago, Mrin said:

This is it. 💯. It isn't about you OP and how you are conducting yourself. It is about him checking himself. Inviting his wife figuratively into the conversation. 

That makes me feel better, honestly. It just feels really unusual. So you think he may feel tempted for something more with me and talking about his wife is his way to keep himself in line?? Or am I misunderstanding? 

[strawburrry]

4 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I think it is about reminding himself. But I also think at some level, he may think you're interested in him. It probably makes him feel good about himself. So if that's true, he's likely to hang on to the idea as a way of boosting his ego. You shouldn't be insulted about it because it says nothing about you and a lot about him.

That’s what I was hoping to avoid. I was interested at one point, but that was over a year ago. I don’t think I give him any signals that I’m interested now, aside from laughing at the things he says, but I do that with a lot of people haha. 

Thank you for your input!! 

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, strawburrry said:

t’s bothering me mostly because it’s making me feel like he’s “reminding” me that he’s married, hence rejecting me in a sense. It’s a blow to my ego to feel rejected by a dude I don’t even want. I’d like to remain friends with this guy, but I don’t want him to have the impression that it’s anything more than platonic and the constant mentions of her are getting kind of weird at this point  

You say you're over him but then say it's a blow to your ego to feel rejected.  Why would a married man who talks about his wife make you feel rejected?  Sounds like you're not over him yet.  I think he now feels comfortable around you and views you as a friend so naturally he will talk about his wife to you.  He didn't at first because it's strange to talk about your spouse to someone you don't know. You should tell him that one day you hope to meet her.

[strawburrry]

7 hours ago, MsJayne said:

It's possible he thinks you're attracted to him. Some people misinterpret friendliness as romantic interest, particularly if you're a person who's naturally pre-disposed to warmth towards other people. On the other hand, he may consider you as someone he'd be friends with outside of work and so he's just telling you the ins and outs of his life and you're misreading it as some sort of hidden message. He's a nice guy who loves his wife and talks about her because she's part of who he is. It's meaningless unless he's intending to hit on you at some stage and priming you so that you'd have no big expectations. 

This sounds like it could be the case because I do have a warm disposition for the most part, but that’s with everyone, not just him and he’s definitely observed me talking with others. Regarding your last sentence, that’s how it seems to me. He is occasionally a bit more flirtatious than he ought to be, and while I don’t want to immediately assume he’s up to anything nefarious, that assumption has entered my mind quite a few times. 

[Sanch62]

5 hours ago, strawburrry said:

... So you think he may feel tempted for something more with me and talking about his wife is his way to keep himself in line?? Or am I misunderstanding? 

Possibly. Or it may have occurred to him at some point that never speaking of his wife can be interpreted by others at work as poor form and possibly coming onto you, so in trying to correct that, he's overcompensating.

Not a big deal, and nothing to be insulted about.

[strawburrry]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

You say you're over him but then say it's a blow to your ego to feel rejected.  Why would a married man who talks about his wife make you feel rejected?  Sounds like you're not over him yet.  I think he now feels comfortable around you and views you as a friend so naturally he will talk about his wife to you.  He didn't at first because it's strange to talk about your spouse to someone you don't know. You should tell him that one day you hope to meet her.

I can see why you would say that with how I worded things, my bad. I’m trying to say that him constantly mentioning her almost seems like a way of saying “I’m married, so while I’ll flirt with you, you need to know you can’t have me.” The thing is, I don’t want him, so every time he “reminds” me or himself, or is just more comfortable with me & talks about her, it sounds like he’s telling me he’s off limits and idc hahaha. Again, it’s not that he does talk about her, he should! it’s the way he forces her into conversations. 

For example, we were talking about taking our time in the morning and not wanting to be at work for the day. We ended that topic and started talking about something else & were laughing together. Then he randomly says his wife gets out of bed and is ready to go every morning. It’s just unusual. 

[strawburrry]

42 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Possibly. Or it may have occurred to him at some point that never speaking of his wife can be interpreted by others at work as poor form and possibly coming onto you, so in trying to correct that, he's overcompensating.

Not a big deal, and nothing to be insulted about.

Yeah, that’s how it appeared to me for a long time. Even after knowing he was married, he’d never talk about her. It’s a more recent thing. I definitely think he’s overcompensating, but I’ll try not to take it personally. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, strawburrry said:

It’s a more recent thing. I definitely think he’s overcompensating, but I’ll try not to take it personally. 

Yeah it sounds like he's trying to make it clear he loves his wife.  If it's making you feel some type of way by him mentioning her maybe distance yourself from him.  I worked with a man who talked about his wife non stop but it never bothered me.  I ended up meeting her at a company dinner and after I met her, I could see why he talked about her so much.   She was awesome.

[ShyViolet]

If you were truly not interested in him on some level, it wouldn't be a "blow to your ego" or make you feel "rejected" that he brings up his wife a lot.  You wouldn't care one way or the other.  You say that you had a crush on him in the past and your interactions with him used to be flirtatious.  So those feelings have been there.  You clearly don't view him as just a platonic co-worker if this is getting such a rise out of you.  You sound like you're trying to convince yourself that you no longer have interest in him, more than anything else.

If you don't like the way he talks or interacts, you don't have to talk to him so much.   You can distance yourself.

[strawburrry]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Yeah it sounds like he's trying to make it clear he loves his wife.  If it's making you feel some type of way by him mentioning her maybe distance yourself from him.  I worked with a man who talked about his wife non stop but it never bothered me.  I ended up meeting her at a company dinner and after I met her, I could see why he talked about her so much.   She was awesome.

Yeah, well he could just say that then and not repeatedly telling me random bits of info about her or about her personal health issues. If he was like “yeah, my wife’s a bad ass, she does this this and this”, I’d totally respect it, but it seems like he’s doing it just to use the words “my wife” and it’s starting to get annoying. 

[stillafool]

50 minutes ago, strawburrry said:

Yeah, well he could just say that then and not repeatedly telling me random bits of info about her or about her personal health issues. If he was like “yeah, my wife’s a bad ass, she does this this and this”, I’d totally respect it, but it seems like he’s doing it just to use the words “my wife” and it’s starting to get annoying. 

If it still bothers you that he says "My wife" then you're not over him yet and that is why you're hurt.  It's probably time for you to back away  and not try to converse with him until you've healed.  I don't see anything wrong with what he's saying.  Plus I've had male coworkers tell me and the group about health problems with their wives and we try to give helpful information for them to use to make her better.  Then we'd follow by asking if she's better and how she's doing.

Edited May 6 by stillafool