He told his wife but won't leave her

[undeuxtrois]

This is my first time posting anything on an online forum.

I'm not too sure what to expect from this but by reading some of the stories and the advice given on here  it seems like this could be a safe and productive space where I can share my story. This story is a complicated, international, age gap story. It might be a bit long, I do apologize. I'm open to any input, particularly from people who have been in similar situations even though I believe I've made up my mind about where to go with this now.

Setting : I am 25, and the married man (MM) in question is double my age. We met through work, both working in a similar field but not in the same company/institution. I knew he was married from the get-go even though he did not talk about his wife much, I still saw the ring on his finger. I didn't give it much more thought as it was simply professional at first and I didn't really see him that often, given that we both work and live in different countries. We would see each other at some work events and would soon start having coffee or lunch together when we were in the same city - it always remained professional, but overall still quite friendly. I liked being around him, but I honestly never thought anything would come out of it. One night, something changed. On one of my business trips to the country where he lives, he offered to go for dinner and drinks instead of our usual coffee or lunch. I was with a (female) colleague and friend of mine on this trip and was happy for the three of us to go out for drinks together. We went to a few bars and then ended up at a kind of shitty club and I had a few drinks, enough to blur my judgement and start dancing with him. When the night was over he walked me and my friend back to our hotel and I kissed him briefly on the lips and went back to my room. I still don't know what came over me, I felt very attracted to him at the time and I was not used to being this drunk.

This was about a year ago. Fast forward to today and we've gone on many holidays together around the world, he came 4 times to my city to see me, and i see him when I travel to his country. But when I do come to his country, I stay at the hotel and not at his house, because he still lives with his wife.

His wife knows about us. They have no children together, have been together 10 years, and she is his second wife. She doesn't work and is completely dependent on him atm. She had left her previous job to come stay with him where he works now. When he told her, initially she was very upset but understood, according to him. Apparently they had some issue even prior to him meeting me. It drove them appart, and made them stop being intimate with each other for many months. He still loves her, but tells me it feels more like living with a roommate than a wife. I have met her once, but I don't know this woman so I understand that any update I have about their situation may not be truthful as it all depends on him telling me all of this. So I take all this with a grain of salt. He told her about us a few months after we started seeing each other, he told her about the trips together and later he told her about his feelings for me. She then told him she would like to try something with "the three of us" in some sort of menage a trois way. She is an attractive 50 year old woman, but when he brought this up I immediately realized that it was not something I would like.

I was fine with things staying casual, as I initially did not want us to get involved emotionally in any way. I liked it light and fun, I enjoyed seeing him from time to time, going on trips and dinners and talking to him but I wanted to protect my feelings and told him numerous times that I didn't think we were anything at all, that I wanted to keep it fun and future less. I threatened to stop seeing him when I noticed he was getting a little attached and starting to talk about feelings. I was 100% clear with him. He took it upon himself to go tell his wife about our affair without discussing it with me beforehand in any way. He said he wanted a "real relationship" with me. I told him I would not talk about anything relationship related with someone who still goes home to his wife at the end of the day and has to hide in his own house to take my phone calls. He confessed his love to me, and claimed to start the separation process with his wife.

After he admitted the affair, his wife returned to her home country to start looking for a job. At this time, I was still seeing other people on the side from time to time. I was honest with him about this without rubbing it in his face either because he did tell me it made him uncomfortable and that he would rather have me see no one else but him. I honestly scoffed at this and told him that as long as he remained married to another woman, he had no say in how and with who I chose to spend my evenings. This would drive him crazy and make him very sad, and I felt sorry for him, and eventually gradually stopped seeing other men without explicitly telling him so. I didn't want him to think I was rewarding him without his situation changing.  During the time his wife was gone, we went on a few trips and got even closer. I eventually confessed my feeling for him, and told him I stopped seeing other people. 

This led us to another phase, where I had to start thinking about an eventual future with him and under what conditions I could reasonably and seriously consider starting an actual relationship with a man twice my age, living in another country, and currently still married to a wife that is financially dependent on him. I did not want to have to think about this, but now I had to. I had to think about what I wanted and so I laid my ground rules and shared the pre requisites I had to even consider a serious relationship with him. There were two main ones:

• I want to get married eventually, so he will have to divorce. The faster the better. Me living with someone without being married to them was not an option.
• I also told him that I eventually wanted children, so he had to be ok with having them at some point even at his age.

He agreed to both these rules. He said he wanted to have children with me, that it would give him purpose once he retires. I started thinking that it would be a good setup: I would not have to stress so much about my children while I pursue my career as I would be able to rely on an experienced father at home with plenty of time to spend with them. It started to look like a reasonable setup. I started opening up to him a little bit more. We would speak on the phone for hours, we would see each other at the slightest occasion. I started to introduce him to my friends when he would come over to my city and we would all party together. I brought him along on a holiday with some of my friends. I started telling my mother and sister about him, bit by bit, just testing the waters to see if it was something they could accept. It was not easy, but I was starting the process of normalizing our "relationship" as it felt important to me to do so at the time.

He never really naturally updated me about what his wife was doing unless I asked him. I only knew she had to return at some point to at least pick her things up. He was telling me the separation process had started but that out of respect for the 10 years of marriage he could not reasonably "kick her out" while she had no job, no property, nothing. I understood that as it seemed reasonable. After all, this all started less than a year ago at the time so I didn't feel I needed to rush anything. I thought I would let him deal with his wife how he sees fit, as it was not my place to decide for him what he wants to do with his marriage. I preferred to go about it by being transparent about how I felt and what I needed in order to be happy and in a relationship with him. That very clearly included him divorcing. He once mentioned their separation could be official by the end of the year, but we did not speak about this much more as I felt it was not my place to press him on this issue. 

One day I asked for an update about when his wife would be returning, and he abruptly announced she would return in a couple days after over a month of absence. It was a shock, I was not ready for her to return so soon. It meant no more long phone calls on weekends, no more calling him before I go to bed and falling asleep with him on the phone, no more contacting him regularly on weekends, and maybe no more trips. We went on a last trip together before she returned, where I broke down and told him that we needed to take a bit of distance from each other. I admitted how unhappy this "relationship" with him was making me, and how the lack of visibility on his current marital status was making it impossible for me to seriously see myself with him. I cried a lot. I had never cried in front of him before and it made me feel very very vulnerable. He cried too. I told him I would prefer us going back to not imagining a future together as it seemed more and more impossibly complicated and painful. He told me I would need to wait at least 2 years for us to be really be together, due to our jobs, his marriage and a bunch of other things. I lashed out. I realized I was trapped in a position I had wanted to avoid at all costs, and it made me very upset. 

When his wife returned, not having found a job, as expected our contact naturally became less and I could no longer tolerate it. Knowing that he was living with his wife and not having access to the man I loved when I needed him made me very upset. I fully understood then that he was not mine, despite me opening up to him and my feelings getting involved. I understood that all that was left now was pain, and that most of my weekends would be spent waiting for him to send me a text or call me. I cannot accept this. I told him I believe I deserve better, I deserve someone full time as I've mentioned many times and he cannot give it to me so it must end. He is getting frustrated. Telling me that I'm leaving him now that he is separating with his wife and that he will end up alone. 

He still talks to me everyday, or at least he tries to. I try to keep it light but I am very tired and confused. I am trying to kill my feelings for him and it is painful. I regret doing this to myself.

I wanted to write this to give a testimony. even if these men are honest with their wives, you will always lose as the other woman. Even when it doesn't feel like it at first. That man is not yours until there is no wife. His wife's feelings and needs will always trump your own when push comes to shove. You will feel much pain if you decide to continue engaging. 

Thank you for reading my story. I hope it can be of some use. 

 

[basil67]

What gives you the moral high ground to talk about "these men" when you threw yourself headlong into the situation knowing that he was married?   Let's be clear - you chose to be one of 'those women".  

And when it comes to what you deserve, you got exactly what you deserved.   A bit less judgement and far more introspection would do you well.   Thankfully, you're still young and can learn from your mistakes.   If you want a better relationship for the future, quit thinking about what you think you deserve and simply make better choices.  Successful relationships are equal measure good choices and good luck.  

Edited May 3 by basil67

[undeuxtrois]

@basil67 I understand your point, and I thank you for sharing your opinion. I don't feel like I am judging anyone in this post, on the contrary. In my culture, affairs are (unfortunately) quite normalized so we tend to not have this more "puritan" reaction like the one you had which is typically anglo saxon. We try to understand and then move on. 

I shared this story for this purpose, I wanted to highlight that even when all are honest about their intentions and the truth comes out quickly, this married man/affair setup will never bring joy to anyone involved. I believe it may help some people struggling with this.

I also believe you cannot hold a 50 yr old married man who lies to his wife and a 25 yr old single woman to the same standard. I did not lie to anyone.  If I don't think about what I deserve now, then when? It's the perfect learning opportunity to figure it out. I cannot change my actions, but I can learn from them. 

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, undeuxtrois said:

@basil67 I understand your point, and I thank you for sharing your opinion. I don't feel like I am judging anyone in this post, on the contrary. In my culture, affairs are (unfortunately) quite normalized so we tend to not have this more "puritan" reaction like the one you had which is typically anglo saxon. We try to understand and then move on. 

I shared this story for this purpose, I wanted to highlight that even when all are honest about their intentions and the truth comes out quickly, this married man/affair setup will never bring joy to anyone involved. I believe it may help some people struggling with this.

I also believe you cannot hold a 50 yr old married man who lies to his wife and a 25 yr old single woman to the same standard. I did not lie to anyone.  If I don't think about what I deserve now, then when? It's the perfect learning opportunity to figure it out. I cannot change my actions, but I can learn from them. 

Far from being a 'puritan', I'm an very progressive atheist who believes that when we make a decision with full knowledge of the situation, we get what we deserve.   If you think you deserve more, then yes, good decisions are to be made. 

And no, you did not overly lie to his wife, but you were complicit in the deception.  Had you not agreed to be part of the situation, then you would be blameless.  And don't pull the age difference excuse.  At 25 you're an adult and expected to know right from wrong

Edited May 3 by basil67

[undeuxtrois]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Far from being a 'puritan', I'm an very progressive atheist who believes that when we make a decision with full knowledge of the situation, we get what we deserve.   If you think you deserve more, then yes, good decisions are to be made. 

And no, you did not overly lie to his wife, but you were complicit in the deception.  Had you not agreed to be part of the situation, then you would be blameless.

I say puritan because it's a bit naive to think that people always "get what they deserve." Some people do horrible things and get away with it. Some very good people see terrible things happen to them for no apparent reason. The very concept of good and bad is puritan, but that is another topic.

Also, sometimes, we are lied to and think we are acting with full intelligence on a situation but we are actually being deceived. A lot of people posting here were deceived in such a way. Maybe I was deceived in ways I don't understand yet. This is quite likely too. 

Reality and human emotions are equally complex, and as an atheist I know you understand this. The point was not to assign blame or claim blamelessness as those are not very productive directions in which to take this sort of discussion, according to me. 

[basil67]

If you will allow me to retract, I think that 'deserve' is a fairytale.  A good person may make good decisions and get scammed out of their life savings.  A bad person may never get their due consequences.  And yes, good people can make good decisions and end up with a good life, and bad person can live with all their shitty consequences.

All in all, the best one can do is choose the life we want and make the best decisions we can to help that happen.  I am glad to hear you are making better decisions and hope that you find a fabulous young man who will treasure you

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, undeuxtrois said:

. even if these men are honest with their wives, you will always lose as the other woman

Oh, honey. 

You don't really believe he's been honest with her, do you? If so, I have wonderful oceanfront property in Kazakhstan to seel you. 

[undeuxtrois]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Oh, honey. 

You don't really believe he's been honest with her, do you? If so, I have wonderful oceanfront property in Kazakhstan to seel you. 

Thank you for this wonderful proposition dear.  I've always wanted to visit Kazakhstan. 

I have reasonable evidence to know that he told her about the affair. He even wanted his wife and I to meet at some point, when she suggested the "throuple" configuration. I declined this proposition because I did not want to have this awkward discussion. I mentioned "honesty" because in this situation, he is not trying to hide the affair from her like a lot of MM seem to try to do, sometimes for years. I understand it might not be an appropriate term. 

I am well aware that he might not have told her everything but I don't really think this matters. There is objectively no way for me to know. I have told him to try and patch things up with his wife, and he said he does not want to. Maybe their relationship will get over this or maybe not, that is entirely up to them now. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, undeuxtrois said:

He even wanted his wife and I to meet at some point, when she suggested the "throuple" configuration.

How do you know she suggested this? 

3 minutes ago, undeuxtrois said:

he is not trying to hide the affair from her

No? Then why is he doing this: 

4 hours ago, undeuxtrois said:

It meant no more long phone calls on weekends, no more calling him before I go to bed and falling asleep with him on the phone, no more contacting him regularly on weekends

What's the problem if he isn't hiding the affair? Me think 

Look, my point is that he's played you like a fiddle. But more importantly? You had fooled yourself into thinking any kind of future with this man was ever possible. It was always mostly a fantasy. I hope you move on from this clown completely. 

[undeuxtrois]

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How do you know she suggested this? 

No? Then why is he doing this: 

What's the problem if he isn't hiding the affair? Me think 

Look, my point is that he's played you like a fiddle. But more importantly? You had fooled yourself into thinking any kind of future with this man was ever possible. It was always mostly a fantasy. I hope you move on from this clown completely. 

You are right - All the information I have about what was said between them is from him, so there is considerable leeway for him to lie to the both of us, which he most probably did.

He lied about a lot if things but I don't think that he lied about telling her about the affair, or about her suggesting the throuple, because had I said yes to the meeting it would have put him in a really weird situation. And I could have said yes, quite reasonably. 

When he told me he told her, I got very angry. Nothing was serious between us at the time, he didn't need to tell her anything, this could have kept going for a while and I never would have complained or asked him to say anything. I felt like this added a whole lot of pressure all of a sudden and that it was not what I wanted. So hard to see what he thought he would gain from telling me he told her. These seem like very risky gambles, and he is quite a risk adverse person. 

She returned home last week end. This was after I told him that I couldn't continue.

I understand that out what is left of respect for her, he wouldn't want to call me and have her hear the entire conversation. They also sleep in the same bed. I know they still have some form of care towards each other and that he doesn't want to hurt her any more than he has. They are still friends after all, and there is a difference between telling your wife you had an affair and calling the mistress right in front of her.

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, undeuxtrois said:

He is getting frustrated. Telling me that I'm leaving him now that he is separating with his wife and that he will end up alone. 

Well, that's a conceivable outcome of getting involved with someone new when you are still married.

Next time (if there is a next time), he should get separated and then get a divorce before he starts sleeping with other women and falling in love with them.

I recognize his goal here is to guilt-trip you into staying. He's being immature. He needs to take responsibility for his choices and actions (as should you, of course).

[BaileyB]

Let’s just say, it sounds like all’s well that ends well. He’s made his decision and you need to move on. Best to avoid the married men in the future… even when everyone is “honest” about their intentions, the other woman is still usually left brokenhearted and alone…

 

[undeuxtrois]

35 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Let’s just say, it sounds like all’s well that ends well. He’s made his decision and you need to move on. Best to avoid the married men in the future… even when everyone is “honest” about their intentions, the other woman is still usually left brokenhearted and alone…

 

Thank you Bailey. I also came to this conclusion. Let's also just say that I was the one that made a decision, and that he is the one that needs to move on : ) 

[BaileyB]

He made the decision to stay with his wife, which prompted you to make the decision to end the affair. A good decision for you, no doubt. But, you would have happily stayed with the man if he had actually bounced his wife as you planned…

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, undeuxtrois said:

Apparently they had some issue even prior to him meeting me. It drove them apart, and made them stop being intimate with each other for many months.

Is it possible that the “issue” was another affair? 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, undeuxtrois said:

I don't think that he lied about telling her about the affair, or about her suggesting the throuple, because had I said yes to the meeting it would have put him in a really weird situation

Not really. He likely would have just come up with some reason for you why a meeting wouldn't be possible after all. I think he knew perfectly well you would never have agreed to it anyway, so he fed you some stupid garbage about his wife wanting to meet you and have a relationship with you too. It worked, as far as getting you to believe he actually told her anything. 

2 hours ago, undeuxtrois said:

and he is quite a risk adverse person.

The same man who's been carrying on a secret affair for how long? He isn't that afraid of risk. A person who is truly "quite risk-adverse" wouldn't be having an affair to begin with. What would he gain from lying to you about confessing to her? Well, time. If he had you believing she knew about it and accepted it, you would have played along a bit more. And that's exactly what you did. 

3 hours ago, undeuxtrois said:

there is a difference between telling your wife you had an affair and calling the mistress right in front of her.

Especially if he's been lying to you about what she knows. I think you have been hood-winked in ways you don't even realize yet. 

Anyway, the future you dreamt of with him likely would never have happened anyway, if he'd left her. Why? There is almost no chance you two would have had a healthy, thriving relationship. This is a man who is a very experienced liar and manipulator. He doesn't have a moral compass and thinks of himself, first and foremost. Do you honestly believe he would have been a quality partner, and these serious character defects existed in the vacuum of his marriage? It would be a pipe dream to think you wouldn't be dealing with all the same problems if this had ever become a real relationship. You know he is capable of extreme deception and betrayal This is the type of man to run fast and far from. 

I am rather surprised your family and friends didn't warn you about this. Or did they not know he's married? 

[ExpatInItaly]

36 minutes ago, undeuxtrois said:

Let's also just say that I was the one that made a decision

Nah, not really. I get why you want to think that, but it's not exactly true. This is your lack of perspective speaking. 

He beat you to the punch, since he decided to stay with his wife.  You based your decision on that, not the other way around. Regardless, it's best that you put this whole chapter behind you. Hopefully you take some valuable lessons with you, and raise the bar for yourself. You set it too low with this person. 

Edited May 3 by ExpatInItaly

[undeuxtrois]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not really. He likely would have just come up with some reason for you why a meeting wouldn't be possible after all. I think he knew perfectly well you would never have agreed to it anyway, so he fed you some stupid garbage about his wife wanting to meet you and have a relationship with you too. It worked, as far as getting you to believe he actually told her anything. 

The same man who's been carrying on a secret affair for how long? He isn't that afraid of risk. A person who is truly "quite risk-adverse" wouldn't be having an affair to begin with. What would he gain from lying to you about confessing to her? Well, time. If he had you believing she knew about it and accepted it, you would have played along a bit more. And that's exactly what you did. 

Especially if he's been lying to you about what she knows. I think you have been hood-winked in ways you don't even realize yet. 

Anyway, the future you dreamt of with him likely would never have happened anyway, if he'd left her. Why? There is almost no chance you two would have had a healthy, thriving relationship. This is a man who is a very experienced liar and manipulator. He doesn't have a moral compass and thinks of himself, first and foremost. Do you honestly believe he would have been a quality partner, and these serious character defects existed in the vacuum of his marriage? It would be a pipe dream to think you wouldn't be dealing with all the same problems if this had ever become a real relationship. You know he is capable of extreme deception and betrayal This is the type of man to run fast and far from. 

I am rather surprised your family and friends didn't warn you about this. Or did they not know he's married? 

Maybe he came up with all these lies, it's a possibility I have yet to cross out, but I don't think he is smart enough to come up with all of this to be honest. He is a cowardly man who gets mixed up in his lies quite often. 

What I think most likely happened is that he got involved a little bit too fast too soon and confessed partly to his wife because she was noticing his changed attitude. The affair lasted a few months before he told her, I think he panicked and got way ahead of himself. I don't think he disclosed everything to her, and he most likely backtracked after that without really informing me, while I on the other hand was starting to actually look into the possibility of a potential relationship with him. This led to me being led on, and taking into account things that were actually way off the table.

Affairs are unfortunately not so taboo in my culture. Everyone from my father to the president has had affairs and been caught. I believe people (including wives) have grown a certain tolerance for it. My friends and family knew he was married, but they were mostly more concerned about the age gap than the marriage. 

Like you said, it would never have been a healthy relationship and all in all I don't think I want to be involved with someone who acts this way.

[undeuxtrois]

13 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Is it possible that the “issue” was another affair? 

I think it could be the case, but he did not mention it. He mentioned lack of intimacy, lack of shared interests & hobbies and an erosion of the romantic and erotic side of their relationship over time. Boredom seems to be a pretty regular reason people cheat. 

[Nowherenear]

The real question is, what is a 25 years old flower looking for in a 50 years old old man?

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, undeuxtrois said:

Affairs are unfortunately not so taboo in my culture. Everyone from my father to the president has had affairs and been caught. I believe people (including wives) have grown a certain tolerance for it. My friends and family knew he was married, but they were mostly more concerned about the age gap than the marriage. 

That isn't what I was getting at. 

Knowing how these things go, I am even more surprised that they would have supported you in playing second fiddle to his wife. Surley they would want more for you than to be the second-place person in a man's life. I doubt all these men who have cheated on their wives left their wives for their affair partners. I have a hard time imagining what they thought your future would look like, unless everyone here deluded themselevs into believing that this time, the married man would run off into the sunset with his mistress.  Is that really what they thought?  If so, why? It seems they should know better than anyone that this rarely happens. And they were okay with that for you? Jeepers. I would hope my friends and family would help me wake up and at least encourage me to find a man who is single, rather than accept an inferior role in a marred man's life. His age is beside the point when he can't even have a real relationship with you, which you're seeing now. 

3 hours ago, undeuxtrois said:

I don't think I want to be involved with someone who acts this way.

As you get older and gain more life experience, you will be able to change your mindset here accordingly. 

These sorts of men are to be avoided. He was waving red flags right in your face from the outset. With more confidence in yourself and clearer boundaries for yourself, you will have an easier time in the future weeding out the bad apples. 

[undeuxtrois]

31 minutes ago, Nowherenear said:

The real question is, what is a 25 years old flower looking for in a 50 years old old man?

I never really asked myself this question when it started with him.

I met him through work and enjoyed having his insight on certain things that were important to me intellectually. He made me feel like he cared about my opinion, and like he valued me as a person. Good discussion over coffee and lunch led to drinks and a kiss at some point. Pretty classic I would say. 

With time, I started seeing his flaws and his quirks, and instead of them pushing me away and annoying me I found them quite charming. I started to think that I might be in love with him. 

There might of course be deeper reasons that are harder to admit. Maybe what really contributed to the attraction was the apparent stability he seemed to be able to provide. The masculine safety and security that men in my generation don't seem to be able to offer as they seem quite soft. In these troubling times, finding someone that is seemingly an experienced, safe, protective (almost fatherly) figure might make dating older men appear reasonable.

I understand now that none of these qualities are appropriate to attribute to cheater who betrayed his wife of 10 years, but then again nearly all the men I know have cheated.  I face a choice:  either I accept that all men behave like this at some point and try to find the lesser evil one who can at least give me some stability, who I at least enjoy talking to and is too old to really do a whole lot more damage if we ever get in a relationship, or I can bet on. a younger man who will probably disappoint me the same way but for longer and without the security. 

Maybe it has nothing to do with that, maybe it's a mixture of all these. 

[undeuxtrois]

23 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That isn't what I was getting at. 

Knowing how these things go, I am even more surprised that they would have supported you in playing second fiddle to his wife. Surley they would want more for you than to be the second-place person in a man's life. I doubt all these men who have cheated on their wives left their wives for their affair partners. I have a hard time imagining what they thought your future would look like, unless everyone here deluded themselevs into believing that this time, the married man would run off into the sunset with his mistress.  Is that really what they thought?  If so, why? It seems they should know better than anyone that this rarely happens. And they were okay with that for you? Jeepers. I would hope my friends and family would help me wake up and at least encourage me to find a man who is single, rather than accept an inferior role in a marred man's life. His age is beside the point when he can't even have a real relationship with you, which you're seeing now. 

As you get older and gain more life experience, you will be able to change your mindset here accordingly. 

These sorts of men are to be avoided. He was waving red flags right in your face from the outset. With more confidence in yourself and clearer boundaries for yourself, you will have an easier time in the future weeding out the bad apples. 

For my entourage specifically, my father left with his mistress a few years ago, at the ripe age of 62 years old. Several of my aunts also saw their husbands leave them for other women. In their eyes, a woman is are either the mistress or the betrayed wife, and my mother was very clear that the mistress definitely has more fun. I'm not saying it's a good outlook on life and relationships, it's just the environment I grew up in. 

My friends were the ones who warned me about potentially getting really hurt, but most of them are single and struggling to find suitable decent partners their own age so just the fact that I was seeing someone and seemed excited about him made them happy for me. 

Edited May 4 by undeuxtrois
spelling

[ExpatInItaly]

37 minutes ago, undeuxtrois said:

my father left with his mistress a few years ago, at the ripe age of 62 years old. Several of my aunts also saw their husbands leave them for other women.

Also my point - your mom and aunts want you to be like the women their husbands ditched them for?  

37 minutes ago, undeuxtrois said:

my mother was very clear that the mistress definitely has more fun

Mom's full of BS: I am sure you see that now, given how much "fun" this has turned out to be for you.

37 minutes ago, undeuxtrois said:

My friends were the ones who warned me about potentially getting really hurt, but most of them are single and struggling to find suitable decent partners their own age so just the fact that I was seeing someone and seemed excited about him made them happy for me. 

Word to the wise: be careful about taking the advice or encouragement of people who are this desperate. When one is very thirsty, even puddle water can seem refreshing. 

37 minutes ago, undeuxtrois said:

it's just the environment I grew up in. 

Yet somehow you know that your own behaviour here was poor. You knew it wasn't right to enable a married man's affair. You wanted more than he was going to give you, so this isn't just about how you were raised. Here is where you need to work on your self-worth and not let flattery and a need for validation or attention from a  man override your common sense, girl. 

You are still quite young and have a lot of life to learn. But I can tell you this man played you as hard as he plays his wife. That much is obvious. You've been fed so much BS from him, it's almost astonishing that you stayed involved as long as you did. 

Hopefully you don't entangle yourself in something like this again. 

Edited May 4 by ExpatInItaly

[undeuxtrois]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Also my point - your mom and aunts want you to be like the women their husbands ditched them for?  

Mom's full of BS: I am sure you see that now, given how much "fun" this has turned out to be for you.

Word to the wise: be careful about taking the advice or encouragement of people who are this desperate. When one is very thirsty, even puddle water can seem refreshing. 

Yet somehow you know that your own behaviour here was poor. You knew it wasn't right to enable a married man's affair. You wanted more than he was going to give you, so this isn't just about how you were raised. Here is where you need to work on your self-worth and not let flattery and a need for validation or attention from a  man override your common sense, girl. 

You are still quite young and have a lot of life to learn. But I can tell you this man played you as hard as he plays his wife. That much is obvious. You've been fed so much BS from him, it's almost astonishing that you stayed involved as long as you did. 

Hopefully you don't entangle yourself in something like this again. 

thank you for your input.

I am happy that this situation did not last for longer and that I came to my senses after some time. I agree it was far from an ideal situation. While trying to rationalize it, feelings got involved and clouded my judgement. The best thing to come out of this is that I will never be this man's wife. I don't really like a lot of men, so when one of them appears even a little special to me it can take me a while to get over it. 

He sent me a very long text last night describing his feelings for me and the future he saw for us, apologizing for the situation with his wife. He probably wrote this in bed next to his wife. I responded that I didn't understand why he was telling me all this, and that it didn't matter anymore as it was not the truth. I thanked him for the ride, and told him I needed to get off.