Mz. Pixie Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 I have a friend, married a long time. Her husband has been faithful but there was something icky with a old girlfriend a years ago when she miscarried their first child. He was calling this girl and she was calling him but it didn't go further than that. I think he wanted to cheat, was thinking about it but didn't. They never communicated about it though so there is underlying distrust there. He worked for a beer company and every year they had a party. Wives were not allowed to go but many of the higher ups took their mistresses. He didn't want her to go. I would have trusted my husband but because of their issue and the not communicating about it she didn't trust him to go. She told him she was going or he wasn't going. He said he'd pack and be gone when she got home- for good. So, that told me he was up to something or it was a power play. He didn't end up going but he was willing to leave her over it. Hmmmmmm. This is a similar thing. He's lied so many times/made up so many excuses about why you can't go and now he can't go because of you. Do you need actual pictures to prove that something is going on?? You are in denial and for some reason want to put up with this. Is this cultural to you as well to put up with his bull? Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted January 13, 2006 Author Share Posted January 13, 2006 Mz. Pixie; Well, its like this: Because I have been burned in the past and pretty badly, A lot of the times I let my inner voice really do a number on me. I do a real good job on screwing up good things with my distrustfulness. I tend to carry my baggage with me and haven’t done a good job coming to terms with past hurts so……being that this guy is viewed by all as a good man with a good heart (there is not one person I run into that doesn’t have a good thing to say about him) I refuse to let go until I find proof, yes. I have always been a tactile learner. I want proof, I want him to admit that he doesn’t want me to go with him. So that when he does go without me, I know then that I never meant much to him. It could be that he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings but like listen2u4sure said, that all couples need space away….and doesn’t want to admit it to me……. But I guess the question is.....how will I really know anyway??? and does this consitute bad intentions or not? Should I bail now? Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 The issue should not be that he wants to go without you, the issue is that he's lying and manipulating you into not going and then is going to have people watch you while he is gone. Cheaters usually never come out and tell the truth until they are busted point blank with proof, even then they will try and get out of it. Everyone has baggage but truly do you not think you deserve more from someone who says they love you you than this? My mother was mentally ill with a personality disorder yet she had everyone except those closest to her fooled. She was a brilliant actress. No one would have believed her to be what she was- an abuser. So, the fact that everyone says he's a good guy doesn't mean much to me. Actions speak louder than words. How long have you been with him? Two years? Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 The issue should not be that he wants to go without you, the issue is that he's lying and manipulating you into not going and then is going to have people watch you while he is gone. Cheaters usually never come out and tell the truth until they are busted point blank with proof, even then they will try and get out of it. Everyone has baggage but truly do you not think you deserve more from someone who says they love you you than this? My mother was mentally ill with a personality disorder yet she had everyone except those closest to her fooled. She was a brilliant actress. No one would have believed her to be what she was- an abuser. So, the fact that everyone says he's a good guy doesn't mean much to me. Actions speak louder than words. Exactly Mz Pixie ,this man has some issues and is trying to say it is all her fault he isn't going now!!!Your right that actions speaks louder than words that is my famous saying to my h... How long have you been with him? Two years? Exactly Mz Pixie ,this man has some issues and is trying to say it is all her fault he isn't going now!!!Your right that actions speaks louder than words that is my famous saying to my h... Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 This just MO, but I say let him go on this trip without you. Do not mention it again, and when he gets home you be gone. Out of the relationship all together. Not because you don't know why he is wanting to go without you, but because of the lying, and manipulation tactics he is pulling. Its a control thing. You said before he has lied about other things as well. I would think you deserve someone who is not into control and mind games. No one can tell you for sure what you need to do, and this was merly a suggestion. So when it comes right down too it, only you can make that call. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted January 13, 2006 Author Share Posted January 13, 2006 JadeStar, I think your right....I was planning just to shut my trap instead of digging a deeper ditch because it seems pretty apparent that talking doesnt resolve ANYTHING with him...not a thing.....I guess I will just lay low, and withdraw quietly and let him do what he wants...its funny because yesterday I was just saying to myself "self, you live alone. remember that" Even though he lives with me, it is like I live alone......I think if I keep repeating it, I might be okay, or delude myself while trying anyway Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted January 13, 2006 Author Share Posted January 13, 2006 Because, quite honestly, all I hear when he talks about going without me is that he is abandoning me…….The world is filled with many people, and a lot can happen to two people who are separated for a week, hell even in a day……and I am not worried he is going to fall in love, I am worried that he is going to have sex and come back and act as if everything is fine between us and possibly give me something….nasty and contagious…. What bothers me is that he could contemplate going without me as if it is a normal thing for 2 committed people in a relationship to just up and go off without each other….like it is okay for him to go out and party and spend money and be on vacation and have fun but not for me, right??? I have to sit and rot and stare at the walls….dont think so…. I guess the true test is whether he will actually go without me……and if he does, I don’t think I could wait around…..I really don’t…..For starters, there is no way I could EVER determine if he was unfaithful, and to what extent, and I know that half of his friends are cheaters anyway….i just don’t know….guess its me myself and I…….How do I pull away gradually? Need some advice to take with me over the weekend, support, anything about how to pull away from him....without making it obvious so he cant draw me back in (i hate that) Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 Honey, in a normal relationship one should not feel abandoned when one's partner goes to visit family. The fact that you feel he is abandoning you because he's visiting his parents is not the right way to feel in a good relationship. EVERYONE needs different things to do and they cannot be with their so all the time. Is this about his lies or him going on a trip without you? Because you seem way more focused on him going on the trip than what's actually going on here. Who pays the rent on the place where you live- him or you? If it's your place, then he needs to pack up. Link to post Share on other sites
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