smackie9 Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 (edited) He's the one that wants full control of when and how, and whatever. So whatever you do means nothing to him as long as he gets what he wants and when. This is how he is. If you struggle with his behaviour about this then block/delete/move on. Don't need to make this any more complicated. Edited April 18 by smackie9 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 3 hours ago, Joanna3 said: I get that but when he has said yes he's keen on hanging out more having more sex and seeing if there’s anything there then at times he’ll text and go “is it because I’m not there” then say only joking t This behavior of his is pretty obviously confusing and maddening. You're taking his words way too seriously. He is just his confusion on you. Say thank you and goodbye! If someone's behavior is reasonable, you won't have to think so hard about it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 19 minutes ago, Joanna3 said: I get why as she hurt him a lot they have a son together and she has done all sorts to him which has messed him up, Fair enough, but if you want to date soneone, don't you see this as a major red flag? I would be running a mile. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 18 Author Share Posted April 18 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Fair enough, but if you want to date soneone, don't you see this as a major red flag? I would be running a mile. No I can see what you are saying. I know he has a lot of baggage Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 18 Author Share Posted April 18 5 hours ago, enterthevoid said: He's honest about who he is and what he wants. He wants multiple partners. He wants you as a FWB. He sees you as an option. And his actions are clear. He wants to meet sometimes but doesn't enjoy communication. He may say a lot of nice things about you when he is sleeping with you, but for the most part he just views it casually. If you want casual, that's fine. But from what you wrote, it seems like you're developing some feelings for him, which could make things very confusing for you. I wouldn't expect him to change. You're either happy with the current arrangement or you're not. He's only ever said nice things whilst we are sleeping together once which was the last time I saw him Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 26 minutes ago, Joanna3 said: He's only ever said nice things whilst we are sleeping together once which was the last time I saw him Well yes....if he's rude to you when you're together, you may up and leave. I strongly suggest reading the book "He's Just Not That Into You" so that you can better recognise when you're wasting your time 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 He’s hot and cold: Pulls you in when you try to step away, then disappears when you’re available. Typical push-pull dynamic that keeps you hooked but unsatisfied. His jealousy isn’t about you—it’s about him losing a source of attention/sex. The second he senses you might move on, he love-bombs ("Come stay the night!") to reel you back in. You’re in a cycle of intermittent reinforcement (like a slot machine). The rare highs (great sex, occasional attention) train you to tolerate the lows (AWOL texts, feeling used). Would you ever consider cutting him off completely? Or do you feel like you need to try one more time to "figure him out"? (Hint: You already have.) 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 9 hours ago, Joanna3 said: No I can see what you are saying. I know he has a lot of baggage So what is the reason you are attracted to this? A sincere question: have you been quite lonely in love? I am wondering why you have chosen to stick around with this guy. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 Hon this isn't really friends with benefits because he is clearly not a friend to you. He's a selfish jerk, and you desperately want him to really like you. It seems like you've never even been on a date with him, just chatting talking messaging and meeting up. ime usually when a woman is agreeable to something like this, there's a lot of other stuff wrong too. Have you considered focusing on a personal goal, something career or fitness related, something achievement-based, so you can raise your self-esteem? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 19 Author Share Posted April 19 2 hours ago, Alpacalia said: He’s hot and cold: Pulls you in when you try to step away, then disappears when you’re available. Typical push-pull dynamic that keeps you hooked but unsatisfied. His jealousy isn’t about you—it’s about him losing a source of attention/sex. The second he senses you might move on, he love-bombs ("Come stay the night!") to reel you back in. You’re in a cycle of intermittent reinforcement (like a slot machine). The rare highs (great sex, occasional attention) train you to tolerate the lows (AWOL texts, feeling used). Would you ever consider cutting him off completely? Or do you feel like you need to try one more time to "figure him out"? (Hint: You already have.) I get this. He’ll never initiate us meeting up himself - it would only be after a text from me to him then I’d get 4 missed calls saying now tonight mine. I think out of the 3 and a bit months we’ve been fwb he’s asked me if I’m ok once. Another thing he did at the start was lie about sleeping with someone else - told me he he had then joke he’d lied to see my reaction. When I called him on it his response was at least I told you I lied straight away Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 19 Author Share Posted April 19 3 hours ago, Alpacalia said: He’s hot and cold: Pulls you in when you try to step away, then disappears when you’re available. Typical push-pull dynamic that keeps you hooked but unsatisfied. His jealousy isn’t about you—it’s about him losing a source of attention/sex. The second he senses you might move on, he love-bombs ("Come stay the night!") to reel you back in. You’re in a cycle of intermittent reinforcement (like a slot machine). The rare highs (great sex, occasional attention) train you to tolerate the lows (AWOL texts, feeling used). Would you ever consider cutting him off completely? Or do you feel like you need to try one more time to "figure him out"? (Hint: You already have.) He normally will text me back the day or the day after we met - but 9/10 after I’ve text him first and he’ll say sorry been busy or I’ve been asleep, then that’s it it’s back to reading texts and not replying. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 19 Author Share Posted April 19 3 hours ago, Alpacalia said: He’s hot and cold: Pulls you in when you try to step away, then disappears when you’re available. Typical push-pull dynamic that keeps you hooked but unsatisfied. His jealousy isn’t about you—it’s about him losing a source of attention/sex. The second he senses you might move on, he love-bombs ("Come stay the night!") to reel you back in. You’re in a cycle of intermittent reinforcement (like a slot machine). The rare highs (great sex, occasional attention) train you to tolerate the lows (AWOL texts, feeling used). Would you ever consider cutting him off completely? Or do you feel like you need to try one more time to "figure him out"? (Hint: You already have.) Yes it’s already the one more time thing to figure him out. He’ll say things like oh I thought about what we did the other week like a thousand times (phsyically) or I’ve watched that video you sent me 50 times and then of course I’m like ooh maybe he does like me. The whole jealousy thing the other week threw me but then after he said oh I get like that sometimes but you should have slept with him I wanted you to sleep with him more. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 19 Author Share Posted April 19 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: So what is the reason you are attracted to this? A sincere question: have you been quite lonely in love? I am wondering why you have chosen to stick around with this guy. I’ve been single for about 4 years now with a difficult ex. Had one or two dates that came to nothing and then this guy. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 19 Author Share Posted April 19 3 hours ago, IrinaM said: Hon this isn't really friends with benefits because he is clearly not a friend to you. He's a selfish jerk, and you desperately want him to really like you. It seems like you've never even been on a date with him, just chatting talking messaging and meeting up. ime usually when a woman is agreeable to something like this, there's a lot of other stuff wrong too. Have you considered focusing on a personal goal, something career or fitness related, something achievement-based, so you can raise your self-esteem? Last time we were meant to meet up - Tues I thought I had somebody to come with me which is what he wanted, he was like I’m tired I’ve got loads of s*** to sort etc I’ll only do this and that if she’s coming, then it turned out she couldn’t so I suggested I come over and we have some fun instead, he said he didn’t know what to do and didn’t believe me that I had someone. Eventually agreed to meet me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 3 hours ago, Joanna3 said: I’ve been single for about 4 years now with a difficult ex. Had one or two dates that came to nothing and then this guy. I see. Please don't settle for less than what you want. If casual sex with a guy who doesn't care much about you feels good, well, carry on. But know that this isnt going to amount to more. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 19 Author Share Posted April 19 14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I see. Please don't settle for less than what you want. If casual sex with a guy who doesn't care much about you feels good, well, carry on. But know that this isnt going to amount to more. I know and that's the thing. Is it ever gonna be anything else Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 45 minutes ago, Joanna3 said: I know and that's the thing. Is it ever gonna be anything else No. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 19 Author Share Posted April 19 1 hour ago, Sony12 said: No. It's just really frustrating as it was about 5 weeks ago we had this more then fwb conversation, his thing was if we did get into a relationship he wasn't sure he would want one for us unless it was an open one, so in his words Id have to be ok with him you know what with other women Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 25 minutes ago, Joanna3 said: It's just really frustrating as it was about 5 weeks ago we had this more then fwb conversation, his thing was if we did get into a relationship he wasn't sure he would want one for us unless it was an open one, so in his words Id have to be ok with him you know what with other women All he's doing is telling you what he needs to in order to keep you giving him what he wants. Actions always speak much louder than words in situations like this. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 19 Author Share Posted April 19 (edited) 1 hour ago, Sony12 said: All he's doing is telling you what he needs to in order to keep you giving him what he wants. Actions always speak much louder than words in situations like this. I know I must sound naive but when you are in the situation not so easy! What I don't get is why he's always checking such as oh I want to invite this girl over that ok and oh I've slept with this girl did this are you mad with me. makes no sense at all to me asking me things like did you want me to sleep with her Edited April 19 by Joanna3 Amendment Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 20 Share Posted April 20 (edited) He certainly doesn't like you romantically, and I doubt he even respects you. And honestly, how can he respect you if you're not even respecting yourself. Edited April 20 by basil67 1 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 20 Share Posted April 20 17 hours ago, Joanna3 said: Is it ever gonna be anything else No, it's not. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted April 20 Share Posted April 20 If you were unbothered about him and happy with his current, quite shocking behaviour I would say carry on .. but if you are bothered, starting to get attached etc I would just leave it there. Personally I can’t see the attraction… the ignoring the texts would be enough for me to say 👋✌️see you later … he’s hardly a catch Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 20 Author Share Posted April 20 2 hours ago, Georgia46 said: If you were unbothered about him and happy with his current, quite shocking behaviour I would say carry on .. but if you are bothered, starting to get attached etc I would just leave it there. Personally I can’t see the attraction… the ignoring the texts would be enough for me to say 👋✌️see you later … he’s hardly a catch I do see where you are coming from,can I ask why you think it's shocking? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted April 20 Share Posted April 20 1 hour ago, Joanna3 said: I do see where you are coming from,can I ask why you think it's shocking Just the reading messages and not replying, and it just seemed so abrupt *he wanted a 3 way with his friend* - how were you ok with doing that??? Seems wild to me but maybe I’m old 🫣 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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