Joanna3 Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 (edited) Hi all, first time poster. Please no judgement! Im 43 and have been in a fwb situation with a 39 year old guy since start of February 2025. We've met up 4 times. Initially before we met he said he liked me more than fwb, (unsure how he could have known this) but was thinking about an open relationship with others with me. And the fact that he wanted a 3 way. We met up the first time got on, had great you know what, then he now said he wanted a 3 way with a friend of his and didnt need to see me on our own again to have it (but did say wasnt that he didnt want to). So we had this 3 way, I tried to meet up with again over next 4 weeks but he said he was busy at work (has mentioned this a few times). One night I had a hotel booked and he said he was keen but wanted to bring a woman friend - then he said he was working and was too tired, then it turns out he wasnt at home but was drinking and asked me to drive to him. So at the hotel he said I should go out and sleep with another guy - the next thing I know hes telling me he. hopes I dont as he's jealous - when I ask why he says obviously he wants to sleep with me again and if I do find someone then I might not want him! Then we got into the whole more than friends conversation. Back story is he's been hurt before badly by his ex who he has a son with, he told me that he had slept with another girl and apologised to me, but then said he wouldnt see her again as she wants a relationship - he doesnt. I also asked him if he was keen on dating - his answer no not really but he was keen to hang out with me have more sex and see if there is anything else there. He said he thought there might be more there for us as we get on well and have good you know what. But if we did get into a relationship he would most likely want an open one. Fast forward a few weeks and I told him that as we are both so busy maybe we should stop the FWB thing (I started thinking about him more us cuddling after sex and guessed I was catching feelings for him) The minute I do that he ends up ringing me asking if I want to come and stay a night. He very rarely texts after we meet up (hes done that twice_) and normally the usual pattern is I'll text him he reads my messages but rarely replies. We met up this thursday had amazing you know what and he told me he'd do anything for me he just wanted me (this is whilst we were sleeping together) but the minute I text him after we meet he goes awol or only answers if he thinks he might be getting another 3 way. Im always the one to initiate the texting and as I said 90 percent of the time he reads it but doesnt reply, the minute he wants me to go to his for a night he wont leave me alone. I do like him and as much as the sex is great when we are together I always dont feel great after - and Im guessing thats because I want more Im guessing from the above he doesnt? Edited April 18 by Joanna3 amendment Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 (edited) It’s sounds to me like he can’t even keep his commitments to have a casual relationship. Add to that, he’s clearly having sex with others if he’s talking about a threesome and an open relationship. If this is what you are looking for, that’s fine. If it’s not, I would let this go… Personally, I would be out because of the safety risk if he is having sex with other people. Edited April 18 by BaileyB 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 18 Author Share Posted April 18 38 minutes ago, BaileyB said: It’s sounds to me like he can’t even keep his commitments to have a casual relationship. Add to that, he’s clearly having sex with others if he’s talking about a threesome and an open relationship. If this is what you are looking for, that’s fine. If it’s not, I would let this go… Personally, I would be out because of the safety risk if he is having sex with other people. 39 minutes ago, BaileyB said: It’s sounds to me like he can’t even keep his commitments to have a casual relationship. Add to that, he’s clearly having sex with others if he’s talking about a threesome and an open relationship. If this is what you are looking for, that’s fine. If it’s not, I would let this go… Personally, I would be out because of the safety risk if he is having sex with other people. Its the fact that every time after we get together I want to text him or see him - it’s hard to just walk away text him and nothing back unless it involves another hookup Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Joanna3 said: Its the fact that every time after we get together I want to text him or see him - it’s hard to just walk away text him and nothing back unless it involves another hookup It sounds like a casual relationship does not suit you. As FWB arrangements go, this guy is on the “more casual” and “less interested in any kind of commitment” end of the spectrum. I wonder if that is in large part because he is also exploring other relationships - as he has told you he is interested to do. 1 hour ago, Joanna3 said: he told me that he had slept with another girl and then said he wouldn't see her again as she wants a relationship - he doesn't. I also asked him if he was keen on dating - his answer no not really If you are looking for some kind of commitment/connection in addition to the actual hookup with the man with whom you are having sex, this is not your guy… He has said it, by way of his words and actions. Edited April 18 by BaileyB 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 (edited) Unless you enjoy having threesomes I wouldn't bother with this guy. He clearly is more interested in this particular fantasy than he is in you. And yes based on your comments it doesn't sound like hookups and casual sex is for you. Edited April 18 by Sony12 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 18 Author Share Posted April 18 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Sony12 said: Unless you enjoy having threesomes I wouldn't bother with this guy. He clearly is more interested in this particular fantasy than he is in you. So this is what I'm wondering. I thought I had found someone to do that with us last tuesday and told him that, she never got back to me, so I suggested that I come over anyway and we. have some fun, his reply "I wanted a threesome though" eventually he said yes and I went over. Before we first met his question was do you want to have a threesome, the minute I said I wasnt sure he said leave it then. When I agreed - his reply was good because you seem naughty Edited April 18 by Joanna3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 7 minutes ago, Joanna3 said: So this is what I'm wondering. I thought I had found someone to do that with us last tuesday and told him that, she never got back to me, so I suggested that I come over anyway and we. have some fun, his reply "I wanted a threesome though" eventually he said yes and I went over. Yeah this definitely isn't the guy for you. Unless you don't mind having sex while another naked woman is in the bed at the same time don't do it. You should only have sex when it is a situation that you are comfortable with. Don't go to a level you aren't comfortable with just because you may enjoy giving a particular guy a blowjob. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 22 minutes ago, Joanna3 said: I thought I had found someone to do that with us last tuesday and told him that, she never got back to me, so I suggested that I come over anyway and we. have some fun, his reply "I wanted a threesome though" eventually he said yes and I went over. In other words, he expects you to find the woman to fulfill his sexual fantasy? I don’t judge your decision to have casual sex. I’m concerned about your chosen partner - he sounds like a real jerk. As a woman of a similar age, why are you tolerating this kind of behavior from a man? With kindness and no judgment, I ask - where is your self respect? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: In other words, he expects you to find the woman to fulfill his sexual fantasy? I don’t judge your decision to have casual sex. I’m concerned about your chosen partner - he sounds like a real jerk. As a woman of a similar age, why are you tolerating this kind of behavior from a man? With kindness and no judgment, I ask - where is your self respect? I imagine she is really attracted to him. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 18 Author Share Posted April 18 33 minutes ago, BaileyB said: In other words, he expects you to find the woman to fulfill his sexual fantasy? I don’t judge your decision to have casual sex. I’m concerned about your chosen partner - he sounds like a real jerk. As a woman of a similar age, why are you tolerating this kind of behavior from a man? With kindness and no judgment, I ask - where is your self respect? I do understand where you are coming from. We do sit and talk for about 4 hour (mainly about his ex) before sex etc but yeah. I get it. It’s hard when you are in that situation and you like somebody Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 18 Author Share Posted April 18 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: It sounds like a casual relationship does not suit you. As FWB arrangements go, this guy is on the “more casual” and “less interested in any kind of commitment” end of the spectrum. I wonder if that is in large part because he is also exploring other relationships - as he has told you he is interested to do. If you are looking for some kind of commitment/connection in addition to the actual hookup with the man with whom you are having sex, this is not your guy… He has said it, by way of his words and actions. Well that’s the thing. He’ll text and go I’m going to invite a girl round for this is that ok and then he’s like cool thanks. Or other times he’ll sleep with another girl tell me after says sorry and then asked me if I minded as he thought I might Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 (edited) 35 minutes ago, Joanna3 said: We do sit and talk for about 4 hour (mainly about his ex) before sex Just speaking for myself, there is nothing that inspires me to have sex with a man who is preoccupied with his ex-wife in our conversations. This is just me - I think there is room for you to raise your standards. That’s the last I will say… best wishes. Edited April 18 by BaileyB 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
enterthevoid Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 He's honest about who he is and what he wants. He wants multiple partners. He wants you as a FWB. He sees you as an option. And his actions are clear. He wants to meet sometimes but doesn't enjoy communication. He may say a lot of nice things about you when he is sleeping with you, but for the most part he just views it casually. If you want casual, that's fine. But from what you wrote, it seems like you're developing some feelings for him, which could make things very confusing for you. I wouldn't expect him to change. You're either happy with the current arrangement or you're not. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 (edited) You are giving him too much power. Your writing to set up the situation is the writing of a servant describing the preferences of the king they’re serving. HE SAYS this and HE SAYS that ... and HE WANTS ... and then HE THINKS ... AND HE ... What do YOU want? Forget him ... a good relationship, from FWB to marriage requires both people to express their desires and then for the couple to come to some compromise. YOU trying to work with him isn't the way to ANY kind of successful relationship, down to totally platonic friendship. Ask for what you want! Ask! See what happens. If you don't feel great afterwards, then end things. It's that simple. Edited April 18 by Lotsgoingon Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 18 Author Share Posted April 18 43 minutes ago, enterthevoid said: He's honest about who he is and what he wants. He wants multiple partners. He wants you as a FWB. He sees you as an option. And his actions are clear. He wants to meet sometimes but doesn't enjoy communication. He may say a lot of nice things about you when he is sleeping with you, but for the most part he just views it casually. If you want casual, that's fine. But from what you wrote, it seems like you're developing some feelings for him, which could make things very confusing for you. I wouldn't expect him to change. You're either happy with the current arrangement or you're not. I get that but when he has said yes he's keen on hanging out more having more sex and seeing if there’s anything there then at times he’ll text and go “is it because I’m not there” then say only joking t Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 5 minutes ago, Joanna3 said: I get that but when he has said yes he's keen on hanging out more having more sex and seeing if there’s anything there then at times he’ll text and go “is it because I’m not there” then say only joking t He is telling you what he needs to tell you in order for you to continue to give him what he wants. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
enterthevoid Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 (edited) He's saying those kind words at the moment because of his hormones and sex drive. But once he gets his nut, he goes back to barely responding to your texts until he's horny again and wants to be your friend. Edited April 18 by enterthevoid 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 18 Author Share Posted April 18 9 minutes ago, enterthevoid said: He's saying those kind words at the moment because of his hormones and sex drive. But once he gets his nut, he goes back to barely responding to your texts until he's horny again and wants to be your friend. I know. Last week he did text and ask if I got home okay and said the night was good but this Tuesday gone when we met back to normal nothing apart from a one word answer nice, back to reading but not replying? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
enterthevoid Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 Honestly, I would try to end things with him. If it were possible to be completely casual and expect nothing, sure go for it. But it seems like you are expecting more, you are getting feelings and this is weighing on you emotionally, so I would get out sooner rather than later before you become heartbroken. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 18 Author Share Posted April 18 2 minutes ago, enterthevoid said: Honestly, I would try to end things with him. If it were possible to be completely casual and expect nothing, sure go for it. But it seems like you are expecting more, you are getting feelings and this is weighing on you emotionally, so I would get out sooner rather than later before you become heartbroken. Thankyou for the advice. I have tried twice now to end it and as soon as I do he goes from reading messages not replying to all of a sudden all over me asking me if I want to come and stay the night Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 7 minutes ago, Joanna3 said: Thankyou for the advice. I have tried twice now to end it and as soon as I do he goes from reading messages not replying to all of a sudden all over me asking me if I want to come and stay the night Honestly you probably need to just block his number so he can't tempt you like that. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 18 Author Share Posted April 18 (edited) I know. I guess I keep hoping he does like me more than just sex. He's even said to me before I think you want more from me, a few weeks ago when we had this whole conversation about being more than fb. When I've invited him to hotels the once he said to go and enjoy myself and go hook up with somebody in case he didn't make it. Edited April 18 by Joanna3 Amendment Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 18 Author Share Posted April 18 He has said things before like I know we're not together I just want someone normal that I can have good sex with and then said I think I need a girlfriend - when I asked why he said only so I can have sex every day! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 4 hours ago, Joanna3 said: We do sit and talk for about 4 hour (mainly about his ex) before sex I mean, that's some pretty unusual foreplay. There is no way I would feel like having sex with a man who drones about his ex like this. There is also no way I would sit and listen to that for hours on end. May I ask why you do? It's very clear you two want different things from this. He wants sex. You want more. This is never going to become a relationship. I woudl urge you to extract yourself from this before you get even more hurt. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joanna3 Posted April 18 Author Share Posted April 18 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: I mean, that's some pretty unusual foreplay. There is no way I would feel like having sex with a man who drones about his ex like this. There is also no way I would sit and listen to that for hours on end. May I ask why you do? It's very clear you two want different things from this. He wants sex. You want more. This is never going to become a relationship. I woudl urge you to extract yourself from this before you get even more hurt. I understand that, he did it the first time we met and has done every time since. I get why as she hurt him a lot they have a son together and she has done all sorts to him which has messed him up, Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.